Trust monster! Can I beat it?

So, just breakin' it down for yall-

Two year relationship, surface is happy and united.
But, the Boyfriend had been living the single life for ten years or so prior to us meeting and in the first two months of our dating he cheated to a small degree on a long weekend away.
I was devastated but forgave him quite readily since at that stage I felt we were still adjusting to everything.

Be that as it may, I felt very much that one chance and one only is the go, however, I want to describe to you some of his ongoing behavior that I feel warrants caution on my side.

First incident he was working as night manager in a hotel, and excepted the offer of drinks with a woman in her hotel room. Apparently this was nothing to be concerned about. It was approx. 6months in to the relationship, very much officially together etc.

Second, we went for dinner at a popular beachside bar/ restaurant and ended up sharing a table with an older couple and their rather loose random girlfriend who had brought an eight ball of coke to the meal.
She offered some to my boyfriend and he arranged to meet her in the toilets and do a line, then looked at me for permission which I was so insulted and appalled I told him to do what he wanted but he would be making his own way home if he chose to.

Third, he spent the weekend with his cousin renovating a house and spent the evening at the pub, his cousin (single guy) picked up a girl who was there with another side kick gal pal and they took them both back to the cousins house to sit in a jacuzzi til three in the morning together. He claims he was just wing manning for his cousin and he and the spare girl just chilled and talked in the hot tub while the other two got it on! Puh-lease.

By now, I have basically made it clear to him that his behavior is not doing him any favors in terms of maintaining trust in this relationship and when he went away for another week long writers conference I explained to him, calmly, that I expected him to contact me at least once a day while away. That if he was drunk his calls would be unwelcome and considered disrespectful so to just text or call for five minutes once a day would be fine.
He did no such thing.

He looks at me like I'm some kind of moron when I reiterated that to build trust that was eroded I felt it was the least he could do to mend bridges.

Now the fourth and final straw. The other night he reactivated his Facebook account.

Cont-
No biggy, he really isnt the social media type.
However, a girl from overseas he has only met once more than ten years ago immediatley jumped on chat to talk to him. She was gorgeous! Absolutely beautiful, and jokingly he said to me she must be the type who is either paid to or just sits online waiting to chat up men...

Okay, I'm glad he was open about that. No problem right? Wrong. After stating that to me, he continued to flirt and chat with her with me right behind him in bed reading a book..
I said as far as I was concerned that was inappropriate and I was at the end of my tether...
he once again looked at me like I was crazy, and said if you cant trust me what is the point of trying to stay together.
i said- good question, have been wondering that ever since.

Any thoughts? Please help me straighten this out. I need objective opinions...

No excuses...He should never have taken you on if he enjoyed being single and living the bachelor/playboy life.

In the first 2 months he cheated...6 months in he cheated, attempt to do coke with a random woman, hangs with random girl in hot tub, long weekend away, no calls, no text messages, no contact, activates Facebook.

He is not interested in building truth with you, he's only interested in continuing on with his playboy fun time partying ways whilst having you on the side. Narcissist love Facebook by the way, breeding ground for new targets.

Where is your self respect and dignity? Dump him already...What are you waiting for? How much more assclownery do you have to endure before leaving his cokehead sexually high risk ass alone?

He's in your face flirting? HELLO!

Do you need someone to air right it to you...He is not that into you, not enough to respect you, show respect for you in front of others.

The only way I can see you staying in such a crumby half ass no love situation with a man is your desperate and have zero self esteem. You can do better, believe that.

Straighten it out by hitting the door. I mean what is keep your there? Don't say love because there is no love coming from his side.

" if you cant trust me what is the point of trying to stay together."

THIS is ALL you need to know! You can't trust him and given all of the incidents you've explained you'd be a fool to trust him. The real question is WHY are you even still with him? I'd be an emotional lunatic at this point with all of the trust issues I'd have with this guy.

Add to that that you're attempting to control/mother him and soon you won't have to leave him because he'll leave you OR CHEAT. I understand why you would want him to check in; but the need to require him to check in like some 5 year old just further confirms that this is NOT a healthy relationship for you. Furthermore what if he did actually check in? This would not stop his potential to cheat while away. You either trust him not to cheat or you don't... and you clearly don't (and with good reason)! Really ask yourself are you really happy constantly wondering if everytime he's out of sight, he's cheating. And to add insult to injury he actually carried on a flirtatious FB conversation in front of you! I would have thrown him and that computer out the window. Seriously though; you're answering your own question in your post. You know what you have here. The question is are you strong enough to leave it for something better? Good luck!

I'm curious what's his sun sign or chart?

I agree, thanks Tiki.
I just need to navigate this carefully since we live together and may have to for a little longer while we make new arrangements. I don't want an emotionally fraught environment... it's too easy to point the finger and guilt trip him when it's been my decision this whole time to put up with it.

neurotic, thanks for the honest input there, I agree with you I just have immense self control I think ! Haha!
I know I answered my own question I just needed some objective back up...
I do have the strength Thank God.

He is a Capricorn, aqua venus, scorp moon, mars virgo, sag rising.

Posted by wagtail
neurotic, thanks for the honest input there, I agree with you I just have immense self control I think ! Haha!
I know I answered my own question I just needed some objective back up...
I do have the strength Thank God.

He is a Capricorn, aqua venus, scorp moon, mars virgo, sag rising.

Ha! Dump him now! The best thing on earth is knowing what you are dealing with and wagtail its clear as day. He is all in your face with it, so its your choice. He is NOT going to change.

Sweet Libra, I am thinking and relating to very much what you wrote here, thank you.
Thank you for the wise words too.(courtesy of Bohemian lol).
Yes, I don't feel that he has cheated as such, I feel less than respected in the relationship we are in.
I can say that these things are all being told to me by him to my face or he rings me the second after it happens and confesses his actions etc.

Anyway, Inana, hell yezz better the Devil you know amIright? Hahaha cheers. He is unchangeable I beleive this and accept it.
It is my choice to move on with this, I will not allow his mistakes and immaturity to bring me down...

Everyone, I am feeling very sad and low about this but a little support goes a long way~!
I am at work with ants in my pants! We had a double wedding this weekend too which now, I dont know how we will handle this.
I just spoke to him on the phone and he is so upset its going to be a long one 😢 I just outlined what I basically wrote here and repeated to him that he was right about the trust thing and that I was acting on that conversation and we would talk more in person when I get home... oh dear.

Posted by SweetLibra
What exactly is his idea of trust? I don't think he would like or appreciate it if you were doing the things he's doing. If the shoe was on the other foot he'd probably be gone by now. He really needs to look at this objectively and adjust accordingly. If within his heart of hearts he feels like nothing needs to change or he can't change, then I say tell him bye. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs to you lady 🙂.

I have told him that, I have asked him to define it for me... he just throws it back all - well, you are friends with your ex, and I put up with it...
I'm all - I don't drink with, hang out with or talk to my ex unless it's work related, and this coming from a boyfriend who is taking me to his First Loves wedding this weekend!

he just gets defensive basically, how dare I question him!
Hahaha, I do love him a Million though, but the truth is the truth- no escaping it.
Gotta bite the bullet unfortunately. If he carries on when we break up tonight I will just say I cant apologize for how I feel, when this is the direct consequence of his Actions.

Heaven Above I do need a hug, Thanks so much =) x

Awww @wagtail, I'm sending you buckets and buckets of e-hugs! I know this is hard and about to get much harder but your peace of mind lies behind this difficult action. I hope that this is the wake up call he needs to get his shyt together and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If not just take this time to heal, a better one is out there for you and now you have 1 more item to add you your list of shyt you will not stand for in a relationship. Good luck and more buckets of e-hugs!

ah Neurotic, thank you for the wishes... I do appreciate it really xo

Well he just rang me after thinking on it for an hour or so...
He asked me to sort of repeat an djustify my decision here, I just said - look, do you really want to be in a relationship with a girl who cannot trust you? I dont think that is what you want, and sadly I dont see myself being able to just let these things slide again.
So, he acquiesced.
He thinks we should go to the weddings because obviously people are relying on us for driving there and it would be too late notice to drop out.
So I am glad he is taking a logical approach to this and we both agreed he will sleep on the spare sofa bed and we will tackle the big changes etc after the weekend is over.

I hope he is thinking to himself how he will get through this, I hope it can be amicable however we go.
He has a very calm, low voice when talking about it so I know he is internalizing and processing it seriously.

Yes, I don't feel that he has cheated as such"

Yeah you're just telling yourself that because you chose the wrong guy, you're telling yourself he doesn't cheat because you're in denial especially since he hasn't hidden the fact that he's chasing tail in your face. I mean you really have to be in denial to come up with the conclusion that he's not cheating when everything he's done points to cheating.

I'm not sure what your back story is but I imagine this isn't the first douchebag you've loved, your self esteem is taking a beating and your belly up.

When are you going to love yourself enough? This really isn't about him, this is about you..He is who he is. But who are you? Who are you being in relationship to him? What kind of woman are you?

tizani thanks for your view, yes I see what you mean, it's not all that dramatic indeed but the sores have festered and its really much healthier to deal with it and move on...
The lack of fireworks- well I don't know, they may very well come later- you never know how these things are going to work out really...

Tiki yeh that's awesome feedback,, I know my self esteem is at an all time low here, of course it's about me. This has nothing to do with his decisions but how I am going to respond to those decisions hehe and yea he may very well be a full on cheating Cookie Monster but I don't mind that so much. (That's what I meant and I just mean also maybe I don't think he has but if he has then good on him).
It's more what an idiot I was for putting up with it for so long! That's whatiI feel down about, I'm not usually that emotionally needy! Believe me =D

So yeah, thanks again everyone or the input. Gona leave it at that for now... Gotta go handle this in person ( and by handle I mean ice cream) (and by in person I mean zoned out in bed watching telly lol)
He gets home in a few hours I set up the sofa bed next to the front door haha! God I feel like I'm in a movie,
Pretty crap.

Hey clueless, great to read you here. Ah I really dig the cautious optimism, it's true he has never had a long term relationship... Most clueless guy ever lol no pun intended
I have the patience of a saint, so I came on here to get some great advice and I got it.
This is why I love dxp...

He has some growing up to do or what ever, I can't sit around any longer and wait for him to figure his life out.
It's not my place to change a man.

Life hasn't ended yet. I hope.

Can you believe he is 33?

DAMN that is a scary chart!!

Venus/ Aqua with Scorp moon omg ahhhhh

Hahaha sag89! Is it? I heard rumours bout the old Aqua Venus but I don't know if that's really the deal breaker it's made out to be...
I admit the Scorp Moon made me wary though...

Posted by wagtail
Hahaha sag89! Is it? I heard rumours bout the old Aqua Venus but I don't know if that's really the deal breaker it's made out to be...
I admit the Scorp Moon made me wary though...

Well I mean I have a venus in aqua and a mars in scorpio and it's like the two most opposite signs to try and make something together you know?

Like and than same with him and that moon.

He must battle between wanting to show emotions/ not show emotions/ wanting freedom /not wanting freedom all the time lol Than he's a cap sun on top with a sag rising it's like a bunch of contradictions for a chart lol

That is interesting tho. I bet he's interesting.

Ohhhh he is interesting, for sure... Yes I would hate to have his chart to be honest.
It would be like walking on a razors edge... In your mind.

And out of interest Scorpio Mars- can you tell me about that? I'm intrigued.

Posted by wagtail
And out of interest Scorpio Mars- can you tell me about that? I'm intrigued.

"You've got the classic smoldering intensity, and look a little dangerous, too. You've got great stores of emotional power and sexual energy stirring within. You come across as observant, self-controlled, and yet ready to pounce on an opportunity. You are passionate, and crave activities that take you deep into a subject. You're skilled at reading the essence of a situation, and appear to make strategic moves at the right time.

You're prone to acting obsessively, and likely find it hard to forgive and forget. A competitive spirit keeps you from giving up easily, and this propels you on the path of success."

Lol sorry I don't mean to copy and paste but i figure it's easy to do for an over all. Whats ur mars?

Wow that sounds awesome. I don't mind copy/paste, what ever answers the question. Mine is Sag Mars, pretty volatile when we get going...
Just saw your chart breakdown, you must be fire cracker... In a good way... Although I wouldn't want to cross you =p

Thanks Clueless, I know you do.

Posted by wagtail
Wow that sounds awesome. I don't mind copy/paste, what ever answers the question. Mine is Sag Mars, pretty volatile when we get going...
Just saw your chart breakdown, you must be fire cracker... In a good way... Although I wouldn't want to cross you =p

Hahah! Yea mars in sag is cool

Well in case anyone is still keeping tabs on my thread, I thought I would do a quick update-

He came home very late from work, texted that he was going to go see a movie which I didn't respond to, then texted again sorry he had been such a failure as a boyfriend.
Which I also did not respond to.
Figured why would I we are living together for now we can talk things out in the morning...

I slept like baby, we haven't spoken all morning I went out got myself coffee so he could use the bedroom/ bathroom etc.
Then he had a casting, and as he was leaving he suggested that if I liked we could try couples counselling.
He had researched it at some point between bedtime and now, found that defacto couples are covered for the first ten sessions...

I said I really appreciated the idea, and would think about it.

What do you think? Worth a shot?

Sweet libra, tizani- that's what I think also... I am not big on guilt tripping people, like I said before I don't believe in changing others.
Since this is something he suggested which indicates a desire to learn and grow together on this I will agree to go.
But, yes, still separate beds/ lives etc until I really feel we have gotten some pro help...

I am not a soft touch by any stretch of the imagination but I think it's only fair to try options and not burn bridges too rashly.

We are broken up, but, if anything maybe the counselling will help us get through the break up at least.
If it gets us back to a better place so be it also.
Couples therapy is win-win I guess...

Being a Virgo (the masters of self criticism) I already have the answer to that question...
It's not nice, and it's not easy to face. I'm needy, controlling, paranoid, and I have trust issues.
There's the list - I need help working through this issues, it's not up to my partner to fix things, it's up to me...

It would be lovely to think that he wants to address, support and work on those things with me.
No denying some of his actions have helped fan the flames of negativity so if he wants to try I will.
No quick fix but I am just going to stay open,
Thanks tizani.

Yes it is! =)
I don't know about your belief system, but for me I do feel we have karmic lessons...
I know for a fact he and I were meant to meet in this lifetime.

Gotta stay positive, and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn. I say meant to meet, but I don't mean to dictate how long for... Just that I feel okay with
however it will work out.
Thanks Sweet.

Posted by xygeneration
You both shape your relationship.

You have to be specific with what you want and what you don't want. If you're not comfortable with him doing something and you have the opportunity to sort of put your foot down, don't hesitate. For example, when you guys went to dinner you could have said hell no. If your gut is screaming out OMG THIS FUCKING GUY IS DEFINITELY CHEATING AND YOU HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE, then listen to what your gut is telling you. If you are against what he is doing, then don't wait around to make yourself the victim. Go over what you two want in the relationship. If you decide to stay with him, it may be good for you to reevaluate the relationship in a few months or so. Sure people are not perfect, but there are just some things that are harmful and unacceptable in a relationship. Avoid the he/she did or didn't do, it creates a friction and causes a lot of fights.

Although, why date someone who does cocahina? I'm sorry, but I have known some people that did it in my late teens to my early 20s and they had some major issues that they had to resolve. Cocaine can fuck with people's head and withdrawal symptoms can last for a year or so. Sorry I don't mean to sound really judgmental here, but don't trap yourself in such a sticky situation that you might not be able to pull yourself out of.

Hi xyg, thanks for stopping by to contribute. Awesome.

Yes, all of the above is true, of course putting these things into action, there's the rub.
I have to say, my gut doesn't scream he is cheating. I think tiki seemed pretty definite about it and I took that on board but my gut was he hasn't acted on it- yet.
That's where my trust issues come in.
I can't control what he does in the future but sitting here worrying about it is doing the relationship no favours!

Cocaine is a hard one... The drug scene is complex. My work place is riddled with it, at all levels- management to butter kickers it's considered the norm to indulge any and all occasions.
My boss, who is the most upstanding guys I know, my role model, big brother status, beautiful wife and kids does it at his desk.
All forms, alcohol, weed, cocaine even horse tranquillisers I have witnessed them all in use.
From wealthy high profile homes to seedy back alley pub meets.

I am not going to judge drug users or addicts, no way, I think drug and drink abuse are signs of physical

And mental dis-ease.
I said it before I will say again I will not change a man or woman.

They can jump off a bridge I just make it clear I won't stick around if butter gets self destructive.
And that's where I am now.

I didn't make it clear before- but I don't care if he cheated I don't care if he cares I don't care if he is a user or abuser.

I care about what that makes me- a paranoid, needy, jealous, green eyed, insecure woman.
I have the power to change myself I surrender to the Universe everything else.
If breaking up and going to counselling is what takes I will do that.

Posted by SweetLibra
Horse tranquilizers—!!!!! Wow, that is the first I have heard of that. I tell you, when people want to get high they will try anything. Smh.

Haaaarhg yep, it blows my mind what people can rationalise putting in their systems...

I do not consider my partner to be a user of anything...
The coke incident was a one off but I just like to point out it is everywhere and he has tried it.

I mentioned it in reference to work colleagues, a few years ago a guy at work started using it at house parties.
I don't know how or where he got hold of it.
You must have to be a corrupt vet lol to give that mess to people for 'fun'.
Horse tranquilliser is in no way or form anything to do with the guy I am with...want that to be clear.

Ok tizani I'm busted... Of course I love him...
Loving and trusting coming from two different angles though.

And I would defend anyone really if they can't defend themselves.
Here I am discussing not just my side of a story but the private life of someone I know...online with people who don't know him.
I am mindful of their absence, put it that way.

He just got home... He just called and booked our first counselling appointment.
I asked him if he was really up for it and he said he thought it was better than just breaking up with unresolved issues.
He also said- "i am not using this as an excuse, but these things are a result of my drinking and immature behaviour and it would not be fair to you if I don't tackle these things head on.which I intend to do"

So with that said he announced he quit his job yesterday afternoon and produced a certificate fom his GP he has booked himself in for 9 weeks rehab/ detox... The couples therapy will be worked in with that.
I am a little shocked he is going in to action so fast.

I can't spend time sitting around here! Thank goodness I have to go out ths arvo for a couple of hours lee way.

Posted by xygeneration
wagtail- oh yeah sorry, I meant your boss. Yeah you can get it at hospitals too, if a patient is in excruciating pain or something.

No worries, just clarifying... Okay I didn't know or was actually prescribed for people!?woah

Hey clueless, haha yep I am going to try it.
If only for the novelty/ learning opportunity...
And you are right, I assumed men would generally not be the ones to push for something like this, but hey I am grateful he did.

I love warm fuzzy's lol enjoy

And it's early days... I started this thread last night so things seemed to have moved along but we are still broken up.
The ensuing stuff is one path we can take out of many...

So hopefully we are making the right decisions.
Any professional help has to be a good thing right?

Last update before bed.
He said to me- I'm not going to let you get away this easily, I am going to work through this... I am going to make it happen again.

So if he can prove this over time and walking the walk I will be willing to talk about a new beginning.
I have a time frame of about 6month turn around...?

Hey leoliza, I so agree with you... He has been a first class dirt wad...
I am going to be mindful of what people here have told me.

Definitely keeping distance, I have reached that point you know? I was ready to walk, and I can still do that if its all just a ruse to keep me
around.

Thanks for the strong words.