
INTJ emotionally conflicted virgo
@coldwateryvirgo
8 Years500+ PostsVirgo
Comments: 132 · Posts: 837 · Topics: 85




Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
Posted by coldwateryvirgoas long as you keep your husband happy, you would have no worries of abandonment.
I do have fear of abandonment which contribute
Posted by MyStarsShinePosted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
The reason I ask is, there were two couples in my family where there was infidelity, one half of one of the couple had three affairs but I was the only one that knew. The rest of the family blabbed on about what wonderful couples they were lol
Hypocrisyclick to expand

Posted by lisabethur8Yes, Lisa....it's bullshitPosted by MyStarsShinePosted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
The reason I ask is, there were two couples in my family where there was infidelity, one half of one of the couple had three affairs but I was the only one that knew. The rest of the family blabbed on about what wonderful couples they were lol
Hypocrisy
keeping up appearances.
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Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
click to expand
Posted by magma2
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
Posted by FantumPosted by tizianiPeople freak out and claim they would NEVER EVER allow the things they hope won't happen to them in an effort to make those things unacceptable to everyone. They won't actually know until they live it.
Mostly I think it best for myself to listen to how relationships fail and accept that more than likely those will be things my relationship will go through, too. That way we've got the license to treat each other as human beings and friends even though failure and disappointment together.
I feel there's another approach that just winds up feeling like unnecessary pressure and expectation: it's the "promise perfection" / "all those other couples have failed where we won't" approach that just sets up a mountain of expectation.
It's fine to be idealistic really, I am, but I remember I used to be so idealistic about my parents and yet so unforgiving of any mistakes they made. once I saw them as human and got to know them a little more as friends, it was a much more rewarding relationship both ways, for me and them.click to expand
Posted by tizianiPosted by FantumI agree.Posted by tizianiPeople freak out and claim they would NEVER EVER allow the things they hope won't happen to them in an effort to make those things unacceptable to everyone. They won't actually know until they live it.
Mostly I think it best for myself to listen to how relationships fail and accept that more than likely those will be things my relationship will go through, too. That way we've got the license to treat each other as human beings and friends even though failure and disappointment together.
I feel there's another approach that just winds up feeling like unnecessary pressure and expectation: it's the "promise perfection" / "all those other couples have failed where we won't" approach that just sets up a mountain of expectation.
It's fine to be idealistic really, I am, but I remember I used to be so idealistic about my parents and yet so unforgiving of any mistakes they made. once I saw them as human and got to know them a little more as friends, it was a much more rewarding relationship both ways, for me and them.
"You never know until you've been tested"
Plus the fear of it happening will just increase the odds of it anyway.
click to expand

Posted by magma2I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow morePosted by MyStarsShineThat's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
click to expand

Posted by FantumNoPosted by MyStarsShineSo, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?Posted by magma2I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow morePosted by MyStarsShineThat's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.click to expand

Posted by FantumI was in onePosted by MyStarsShineSo, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.Posted by FantumNoPosted by MyStarsShineSo, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?Posted by magma2I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow morePosted by MyStarsShineThat's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
click to expand

Posted by magma2Foresaking all othersPosted by RaakacThank you.Posted by magma2Well that's one kind person then 🙂 Best of luck for these 2!Posted by RaakacYes, actually it became public knowledge in that little town.Posted by magma2Does the husband know tho?Posted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
click to expand

Posted by FantumThank you. I'm not sorry now, it's all good and meant to be....the three of us are amazing friends and have so much in common . I've learned so much from those two men ❤️❤️Posted by MyStarsShineI understand. I'm sorry it didn't work out (if you are), but glad you've made decisions you feel good about.Posted by FantumI was in onePosted by MyStarsShineSo, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.Posted by FantumNoPosted by MyStarsShineSo, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?Posted by magma2I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow morePosted by MyStarsShineThat's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
We are still best friends and have a lovely son....we are a happy family not living together ... I would not choose to live with anyone again, when we lived together it was not good
click to expand

Posted by FantumIt's goodPosted by MyStarsShineI wonder what to call that. I mean the marriage failed, so it's a "failed marriage" technically, but you're in a good place now and wouldn't have the son without the father.Posted by FantumThank you. I'm not sorry now, it's all good and meant to be....the three of us are amazing friends and have so much in common . I've learned so much from those two men ❤️❤️Posted by MyStarsShineI understand. I'm sorry it didn't work out (if you are), but glad you've made decisions you feel good about.Posted by FantumI was in onePosted by MyStarsShineSo, you prefer to not get married. That's fine. Some of us still want to be in marriages.Posted by FantumNoPosted by MyStarsShineSo, you are cynical that a marriage could be Walton-like, but you are looking for a marriage that is "true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement"?Posted by magma2I was ribbing you, call me a cynic but I just see so much unhapppiness caused whereby people feel trapped for various reasons in r.ships that no longer make them happy. It's not so simplistic as just being selfish...people grow and grow away from each other and move on in order to grow morePosted by MyStarsShineThat's unfortunate because I don't know of any marriage including my own that is accurately represented by the Waltons program, like Camelot, sounds good on paper though.Posted by magma2Ok thanks...it's just your portrayal of marriage reminded me of the WaltonsPosted by MyStarsShineFrom what I understand, one of my sisters had an affair that lasted for some amount of time, but she and her husband are still together. That's all I know of.Posted by magma2And have ye all been faithful to each other ?
I'm one of 8 siblings, all of us so far have been in lifelong marriages except one. His first marriage lasted 17 years, and his current one is right around 25 years and counting. There is very little divorce in my family for the last few generations and not very much divorce in the majority of the families we married into. The advantage to that is that we were raised in homes where we got to understand realistically what a forever relationship was.
Any of us will tell you that we started out like everyone else who had a good relationship: attraction, courtship, then marriage. Once any of us find the right person it takes on a life of its own and everyone says wow, what a great couple.
Every single one of us will also tell you that in a nutshell, it's selfishness that destroys relationships, even the best ones, and potentially, our own. That means that many marriages could have been forever if one or both partners hadn't gotten too selfish. I know, it's too simple, but it's true, we all say the same thing.
I've have quite a bit of age and experience but even now there will be a situation where I'm not quite sure what the best approach would be with someone in a certain situation, until I put myself in their shoes. Then I know because I know what would work for me. If I treat them the same as I would want to be treated, the failure rate is extremely low and even on the rare occasions when it has failed, I get to walk away with a clear conscience. It's amazing how well that one simple kindergarten "Golden Rule" works when it is consistently practiced. I hope this helps even one person.
I do though admire people that find true happiness in a forever and ever arrangement. 'Tis a rare thing !
No one is happy all the time. No relationship is happy all the time. That's not cynicism. It's reality.
I'm not looking for anything outside of myself....I've no need
We are still best friends and have a lovely son....we are a happy family not living together ... I would not choose to live with anyone again, when we lived together it was not good
click to expand

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It seems like all marriage fail and divorcees preach exactly that. On top of that I grew up with .... unconventional background so parents weren’t marriage example either nor does any married people I’ve known throughout my life happy .
I want to get married but sometimes the thoughts of all the ways it can go wrong ... well makes you wonder why even bother