Attachment styles/love avoidant/love addict

Attachment style s/love avoidant/love addict

The Love Avoidant partner may send just enough mixed messages to keep the fantasy alive—just enough to give you some hint of what “might be possible,” “could be possible,” or “would be possible.”

Yet the reality is that what is possible will never actually be. Any sporadic “crumbs” of connection you get are as much as you will ever get with an avoidant, with the caveat that if they are willing to work on coming closer and perhaps seek counseling individually or as a couple, it's possible to form a healthier, more satisfying connection.

Avoiding physical closeness—avoiding sex or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; walking ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered.

Refusal to commit—makes assorted statements to shun commitment to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships,” all while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years.

Avoids verbalizing “I love you”—avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."

Sabotages when things are going well—when a relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way (e.g., starts arguments, suddenly acts angry, becomes passive-aggressive, doesn't keep agreements, becomes controlling or reactive, creates unnecessary drama).

Cheats or has affairs — Establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates a relationship with unavailable people (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).

Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicates — Refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve or negotiate conflicts; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs; rebuffs sharing internal or external stressors.

Criticizes or devalues — Partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on flaws; belittles or mocks (e.g., how the partner talks, dresses, eats, etc.); blames partner for issues; shows resentment and negative attitude, even toward traits once appreciated.

Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend) — Talks or thinks about a past partner with craving or nostalgia; idealizes the ex while ignoring imperfections. May dream of a "perfect partner" somewhere out there.

* This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidant's mind, it justifies: “I’m okay, my current partner is the problem.” It’s a way to emotionally distance while appearing capable of love — don’t fall for it. Dreaming about an ex or an ideal partner doesn’t equal emotional availability.

Flirting with others — Leads on, flirts, teases, or entertains others with little concern for their partner’s feelings. This sends a message: “I’m always looking for someone better.” It’s emotionally abusive and creates insecurity. As the saying goes, “Flirting is the art of keeping distance at a safe distance.”

Emotionally “checks out” of relationship — Spends excessive time away; shows disinterest in partner’s life or feelings; rarely initiates or sustains conversations; ignores caring gestures; gives the impression of indifference or emotional neglect.

Keeps secrets — Withholds information (e.g., finances, whereabouts, relationships); communicates in unclear or vague ways; avoids openness with partner or even close friends/family. This stems from an ingrained desire for independence.

* Healthy relationships require inter-dependency — a balance of autonomy and closeness. Too much independence can destroy intimacy.

Focus is outside/away from the relationship — Regularly diverts time and energy elsewhere (e.g., work, hobbies, other relationships); may engage in addictions (e.g., porn, drugs, gambling). This is a tactic to avoid intimacy and connection within the relationship.

“Prove it” tests

They want reassurance without giving you commitment.

-I need consistency

-I need to feel chosen

-prove you’re serious

You act like a spouse, provide emotional labor, availability, sacrifices all while they avoid putting a label on it, shared plans or legal/financial entanglements.

If you ask for clarity you’re told you’re pressuring them. Passing the test would require them to tolerate intimacy. They can’t. So the test will never end.

Self sacrifice test

You’re expected to

Change your schedule around them

Limit friendships that make them uncomfortable

Delay your goals

Absorb inconveniences

They would never do the same for you. If you hesitate to sacrifice it’s framed as lack of love rather than self respect.

They demand compliance.

Emotional endurance test

They withdraw, ghost, create ambiguity

You’re expected to chase them. Yes even when they ghost you, they want you to chase.

If you protest the ambiguity by not chasing you failed. If you silently endure it, they still won’t feel safe.

The improvement test

They point out flaws

You’re too sensitive, you don’t listen to me, you need to grow

You read books, go to therapy, take accountability, change your behaviors. They don’t change. When you improve, they find something new and harder to define

Loyalty under disrespect test (ride or die)

If ride or die ever comes out of someone’s mouth, run the opposite direction immediately. They have plans to put you through hell.

They say or do something hurtful or unfair then watch and wait on your reaction. Do you forgive easily?

Staying is framed as love. Leaving is betrayal.

The crisis test (mutya I hope you see this)

During stress, grief or uncertainty they pull away or become demanding

You’re expected to be strong on your own and not need their support. Their withdrawal will be framed as “that’s just how I cope with things”

The vague standard test

They say things like

-I need more time

-I just don’t feel it yet

-you haven’t shown me enough

Don’t be fooled, there is no finish line. No measurable criteria. It’s all hinging on the vibes from their unregulated nervous system.

You won’t pass a test with an ever changing rubric.

Passing their tests does not make them more willing to commit. The tests are not evaluation, they are avoidance.

Never chase an avoidant. Have respectful boundaries. Don’t take their distancing behaviors personally. They have nothing to do with you.

Does it say what causes these?

That's the other piece of the puzzle imo.

Posted by FuelAirPropellant
Does it say what causes these?

That's the other piece of the puzzle imo.

usually formed ages 0-5 by your primary caregivers.

I’ll do anxious attachment next but I don’t really see very many people complaining about their anxiously attached partner. Not on this forum at least. If anything it’s the anxiously attached people seeking clarity on the avoidants.

There was a test where you place somewhere on a graph to show you exactly which attachment style you are.

If they allow me to put up a picture, this is where I stand:

The quiz:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment- style -quiz/