... because people CHANGE.

........................................................................



A friend said this to me yesterday, when

discussing a (major) issue she is having

in her relationship:


"That is why I'll never get married again...

because people change."


Do you agree?

Or do you think they are the same-- the

potential was there all along?

I think it's more of an awakening or clarity of what was already there. When you're young, you have certain priorities, and after years of pursuing those priorities, sometimes you realized that you neglected some important aspect of your soul and that your priorities need to change.

This happened to me recently, and it's been a major bitch to deal with. I'm normally a really grounded person, was always very rational and had really focused ambitions. Something happened a couple years ago that seems to hav changed all that, and I and my SO are now trying to adjust to the changes. I still have no idea what the final picture will look like, but I'm getting more comfortable with the ambiguity.

Posted by Ssupes
Why do people change?

I see it as happening for 2 reasons in a relationship.

1. They were always that way. Until the mask drops and the euphoria of love wears off. Then true colors show.

2. They became that way from other things that changed. Environmental, situation, or financial.

Everyone changes in a relationship. it's inevitable. They change with age and life.

Agree with 2.

As far as 1 goes, get to know them first, and then become euphoric. In average, it take 4 months to fall in love. Extend it to 7 and you're much better of.

Some people are more family and career oriented. From my observations they seem to be more loyal, stable partners. My older sister is like this. She is 35 years old and has a good job, a kid, a good husband. (She is a sagittarius)

Me on the other hand(scorpio), I was very successful at high school, struggled through uni because I hated my major, fell in love a few times, then just when I thought I found the guy I would marry and the job I wanted, I changed again.

At 30, I feel quite immature. Like, I'm not sure what love is and I don't know where my life is headed. When I was younger I thought 2 people fell in love with each other and stopped fancying other people and treated each other perfectly ever after but long lasting 'love' is actually a companionship full of trust and maybe some benefits for both sides.

As a kid I hated change. Changing schools, friends, or your friends and family changing, going to other countries.. I wanted everything to stay the same ! Just as I knew and loved it.

Now I'm the opposite. I'm addicted to change. I can't stand the thought of predictability.

Maybe I'll change back again, who knows 😛

we all change, it's called maturing.

if you have a child, you watch them grow, they change but you love them all the same. through the pains and heartaches and growing pains.

if your parents or grandparents are still alive you watch them grow old, you watch the changes in their bodies, the toll it takes on their health, you watch them deteriorate. That's the most painful sight to see, cause you know they've got little time in their hands. But you love them all the same, to the end.

Posted by Ssupes
Why do people change?

I see it as happening for 2 reasons in a relationship.

1. They were always that way. Until the mask drops and the euphoria of love wears off. Then true colors show.

2. They became that way from other things that changed. Environmental, situation, or financial.

Everyone changes in a relationship. it's inevitable. They change with age and life.

if this is a love relationship, people never really change. No way. their natures will Always be the same.

there is no mask. it's just that when they go through hardships (crisis, the bubble wears off, and they just don't know how to deal with it.)

if you were all to go through a great depression, what would you all do? people's natures become desperate, and even steal and lie to get the goods (it's no better than if you were living in the middle ages and you have to feed your family. you steal bread, and you're a criminal, but your intentions were to feed your starving family)

a crisis (that is, death, disease(cancer), everything that is going to takea toll is going to make or break you)

Posted by sultrykitty
I think it's more of an awakening or clarity of what was already there. When you're young, you have certain priorities, and after years of pursuing those priorities, sometimes you realized that you neglected some important aspect of your soul and that your priorities need to change.

This happened to me recently, and it's been a major bitch to deal with. I'm normally a really grounded person, was always very rational and had really focused ambitions. Something happened a couple years ago that seems to hav changed all that, and I and my SO are now trying to adjust to the changes. I still have no idea what the final picture will look like, but I'm getting more comfortable with the ambiguity.

I agree with this, I would call it evolving though.

I'm the same person at my core that I always have been. Loyal, honest empathetic and always willing to help someone in need.

In my teens and early 20's I was far too firey, sensitive, easily led into temptation and to a degree selfish. I let things get to me and distract me from what's important. Allowing drama in my life etc.

Now in my 30's the way I deal with things is different.

Since having kids and life in general just kicking my arse. I've become more laid back and let a lot of things go rather than letting them anger and consume me. I Consider the consequences of temptation and I'm much more diplomatic and considerate of others feelings.

Life brings you many things to learn and grow from. It's up to you how you allow them to effect you, if at all.

Posted by Ssupes

Posted by LillyBlossom
Not all changes are for the better.

I agree but we should try to help each other grow and become better people. Giving up just means never growing into something better and wonderful. All relationships have hard times.

click to expand

I totally agree.
Unfortunately there are far too many selfish people around these days. 😢

Posted by LillyBlossom
Then I'm selfish.

How do you mean?

I'm not sure that changing careers or homes, or even ambitions is really what the OP meant. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's about what the other partner in a relationship perceives as a fundamental shift in character or personality is what's being asked about.

I know that in my case, that has happened, only in the sense that who I was outwardly did change. And recently, what my values are changed quite dramatically in terms of what I expect from my relationship and how I want to live the rest of my life is.shifting almost 180 degrees. Being in a really long-term relationship, this shift is definitely creating challenges within the relationship as well as in me.

As an example, as long as I can remember, I never wanted to be dependent in a relationship as far as finances go. I was happy to be the breadwinner, and if my partner wasn't as ambitious or successful as I was, that was OK. Being a straight woman, I felt empowered if I knew I could take care of myself. This is always the way it's been with me. I've been with a man for 20 years give or take a few, and while he works hard and has his own business, he doesn't make much money at all and only contributes a fraction of our living expenses. It never bothered me before, but when my income took a hit and he didn't appear to step up, I began to resent his lack of drive.

After things got back to normal financially, and now that I'm in my mid forties and looking at the possibility of never being able to retire or enjoy the fruits of my labor, I'm beginning to feel like I need something different in my life. Someone who will plan for the future and who wants to take care of ME for once. I don't think I've changed so much as that now I'm seeing that I neglected to understand myself well enough to know that down deep, that's probably what I always wanted. Now the man that I invested all this time in, and who I love on a fundamentally deep level, can't provide that most basic thing that intuitively I shoud have paid attention to.

So did I really change, or was that reality just buried too deeply until now? I never deceived my man, I'm just in a different head space now. I'm sure he thinks I've changed, since this was never a discussion we had. It was just assumed by both of us that the way it was would be the way it always would be, and that we would both be happy with that arrangement.

^^^^^totally identify with this.

Yep people definitely change

Life happens and people react all types of ways

Do I think it's a reason not to marry? No...because i see relationships as partnerships...you should grow with that person

Posted by sultrykitty
I'm not sure that changing careers or homes, or even ambitions is really what the OP meant. Correct me if I'm wrong,
but I think it's about what the other partner in a relationship perceives as a fundamental shift in character or personality is what's being asked about.

That's exactly what I meant. 🙂


When your significant other does something(s) that you never

anticipated, or thought they were even capable of doing.


For example:


-- Picks up gambling

-- Acquires a drug habit, after the kids are grown

-- Loses their religion and/or finds a new one

-- Goes from serious corporate ladder ambitions to beachcombing

-- Criminal behavior with no precedent... etc, etc.


Things like that happen all the time, and I'm inclined

to think that the potential was always there... most of

the time, anyway.


Obviously, they aren't all bad (religion/beachcombing), but

I think those may be a result of a bona fide psychic change.

The rest... maybe they were just lying dormant.

Idk.

Posted by LillyBlossom
Not all changes are for the better.

Exactly.


And what to do

when it happens... to you?

Posted by LillyBlossom
...
I wonder if Tim Burton and Helena Carter have it right? They live in separate accommodations. I don't think that's a bad idea. We can always visit each other and sleepover whenever we want.

click to expand

How can I miss you, if you won't go away?

lol


If it works, I think it's a great idea.

Always happy to see each other.

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by LillyBlossom
Not all changes are for the better.

Exactly.


And what to do

when it happens... to you?

Posted by LillyBlossom
...
I wonder if Tim Burton and Helena Carter have it right? They live in separate accommodations. I don't think that's a bad idea. We can always visit each other and sleepover whenever we want.

How can I miss you, if you won't go away?

lol


If it works, I think it's a great idea.

Always happy to see each other.

click to expand

i read on Wikipedia, they are no longer together since last year. So much for being apart. They are apart for GOOD! (unless they decide to go back together)

Potential for anything is always there...but I don't think that thise kind of drastic departures from "normal" are particularly common in the sense that no one ever saw it coming. Unless you're dealing with an intensely private person, or if they are somehow ashamed of their inner thought process to the extent that no one really knows them.

Usually SOMEONE knows, and isn't telling the significant other, or the SO is in denial about it.

That being said I don't think that the average person should pre-empt a relationship because something "might" happen. If everything else is right about the relationship, then to not move forward for fear of things changing stunts growth. For both people in the relationship.

If something unacceptable happens in either person's life to where it becomes untenable to live together, then that will have to be dealt with when it comes. It doesn't negate the joy/happiness that came before.

Posted by sultrykitty
Potential for anything is always there...but I don't think that thise kind of drastic departures from "normal" are particularly common in the sense that no one ever saw it coming. Unless you're dealing with an intensely private person, or if they are somehow ashamed of their inner thought process to the extent that no one really knows them.

Usually SOMEONE knows, and isn't telling the significant other, or the SO is in denial about it.

I disagree.

There are a wealth of self-help/group help efforts

that say otherwise-- that is, it happens all the time.


Other than that, it seems you agree with me, that the

potential was always there.

Posted by sultrykitty
That being said I don't think that the average person should pre-empt a relationship because something "might" happen. If everything else is right about the relationship, then to not move forward for fear of things changing stunts growth. For both people in the relationship.

If something unacceptable happens in either person's life to where it becomes untenable to live together, then that will have to be dealt with when it comes. It doesn't negate the joy/happiness that came before.

click to expand

Enjoying a new relationship and drawing up a contract

are two entirely different things.


After spending 20 years in a relationship that ended

in abject misery, it is no surprise that one would be

wary of legally binding themselves to another.


Thanks for your input.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by LillyBlossom
Not all changes are for the better.

Exactly.


And what to do

when it happens... to you?

Posted by LillyBlossom
...
I wonder if Tim Burton and Helena Carter have it right? They live in separate accommodations. I don't think that's a bad idea. We can always visit each other and sleepover whenever we want.

How can I miss you, if you won't go away?

lol


If it works, I think it's a great idea.

Always happy to see each other.

i read on Wikipedia, they are no longer together since last year. So much for being apart. They are apart for GOOD! (unless they decide to go back together)

click to expand

LoL

Let's hope they decide to go back then, lisabeth.


🙂

Posted by Montgomery
........................................................................



A friend said this to me yesterday, when

discussing a (major) issue she is having

in her relationship:


"That is why I'll never get married again...

because people change."


Do you agree?

Or do you think they are the same-- the

potential was there all along?

Sometimes people jump into marriage during the infatuation stage and without really knowing the other. Then when the complete personality and the true colors begin to show, they claim they changed.

On the other hand, some people pretend to be one way to get the guy/girl, then when they can't keep the persona any longer, they become their true selves and actually do change.

And sometimes, life experiences change us and it is the natural evolution of personality. For instance, we have so much life and energy, then we have kids and we're tired and our priorities change. Or the death of a parent changes us. Or we hit that mid life crisis and realize we haven't lived life the way we wanted to, so we start doing the things we've always wanted.

I don't think changes need to be a determent from getting married. Really getting to know someone inside and out would be helpful as well as being aware that people evolve and being prepared to accept that would be beneficial.

Posted by Montgomery
........................................................................



A friend said this to me yesterday, when

discussing a (major) issue she is having

in her relationship:


"That is why I'll never get married again...

because people change."


Do you agree?

Or do you think they are the same-- the

potential was there all along?

I do agree. Some divorce for that reason, some choose to ride the wave. One thing is for sure though, once you go through a divorce, I don't care who you are...it changes you forever, and the thought of marrying again is NOT something you think about for a very long time. Even if the divorce was amicable. I always quiz people who are ready to file for divorce or a break up...
Have you exhausted ALL efforts to save this relationship? Are there any doubts? If there is hesitation, or any type of justification in their response other than "YES"...they have doubts because they didn't exhaust all efforts. Some people cannot handle abrupt changes in their partner where those changes also change their personality. Esp in long term relationships. They married the person for a reason in the beginning, when you take that off the table after so many years, it alters everything for obvious reasons. If the partner can't adjust to those changes, is it right to force them to accept it?

Posted by beautifuldiaster
people are so quick to give up these days..

I respect dedication and I exhibit it as much as I demand it.

+1

Posted by truecap

I don't think changes need to be a determent from getting married. Really getting to know someone inside and out would be helpful as well as being aware that people evolve and being prepared to accept that would be beneficial.

Truth^^ normally, if a couple have been married a long time or in a relationship for a very long time, when a change ocurs it's typically outside influences and the couple endure the change together. However if it's one partner as the op points out who makes an abrupt change in themselves and lifestyle, that's another whole ballgame that must be addressed and determined if the partner who witnesses this change are able to ride that wave with the partner who made the change.