How do you break a pattern of toxic relationships

So i recently broke up with this guy i had been seeing for past six months. He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work. Anyhow, I've to now move on and my previous ex (before this one) has moved to my office and is happily married. I try to be happy around him. I realize I've a pattern of attracting toxic relationships where in I only give and then get dumped. Can you help without further beating my self esteem down. i already feel shit that i let these people in my life. They seemed so harmless. I'm trying hard to move on and keep busy with things but i don't want to end up alone and feel low again.

Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

click to expand

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

click to expand

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

click to expand

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

click to expand

“He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work”

This 👆 tell me everything. She needs to work on her self

Don’t put up with the bullshit

Posted by tiziani
Only thing I can say is making mistakes worked for me.

Working on yourself sounds good but for me it was too cerebral.

Screwing things up first hand and just learning the hard way turned out to be more effective.

Do what you gotta do imo.

Making mistakes and learning from them is the perfect way to grow, but to stop the pattern you need to change.

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

“He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work”

This 👆 tell me everything. She needs to work on her self

click to expand

agreed. we dont really know what she ment by "tried to hard to make it work". what did she do to make it work?

what does it mean he never cared for her much?

without specifics I am torn, what to think about it

its not enough for me, if the OP tells, she tried hard to make it work..... what does it mean in real life? and what does it mean he never cared for her much? perception of an opening poster is not the absolute truth, without examples

posting about toxic relationships... not giving details... = generic answers

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

“He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work”

This 👆 tell me everything. She needs to work on her self

agreed. we dont really know what she ment by "tried to hard to make it work". what did she do to make it work?

what does it mean he never cared for her much?

without specifics I am torn, what to think about it

its not enough for me, if the OP tells, she tried hard to make it work..... what does it mean in real life? and what does it mean he never cared for her much? perception of an opening poster is not the absolute truth, without examples

posting about toxic relationships... not giving details... = generic answers

click to expand

😄 I get your point, but for me the words she use in the op it’s plenty to get a clear picture of the situation. Don’t ask me why 😄

It may be my Neptune Mercury dominant planets

Posted by pinkbird03
Don’t put up with the bullshit

see, that is what I mean by generic answers..... you put up with your Aqua´s shyte for too long and advising others to dont put up with the bullshit

PS. sorry to drag it into, but .... you know

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03
Don’t put up with the bullshit

see, that is what I mean by generic answers..... you put up with your Aqua´s shyte for too long and advising others to dont put up with the bullshit

PS. sorry to drag it into, but .... you know

click to expand

I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness.

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

“He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work”

This 👆 tell me everything. She needs to work on her self

agreed. we dont really know what she ment by "tried to hard to make it work". what did she do to make it work?

what does it mean he never cared for her much?

without specifics I am torn, what to think about it

its not enough for me, if the OP tells, she tried hard to make it work..... what does it mean in real life? and what does it mean he never cared for her much? perception of an opening poster is not the absolute truth, without examples

posting about toxic relationships... not giving details... = generic answers

😄 I get your point, but for me the words she use in the op it’s plenty to get a clear picture of the situation. Don’t ask me why 😄

It may be my Neptune Mercury dominant planets

click to expand

"😄 I get your point, but for me the words she use in the op it’s plenty to get a clear picture of the situation. Don’t ask me why 😄

It may be my Neptune Mercury dominant planets"



I dont ask you why, water placements just know 😄 (myself included)

but there are others, who read the topic, altough not chiming in, just lurking, and they may misconstruct some ideas....

altough the "work on yourself" is always the best advice 🙂 no doubt

but what exactly, how to do it in that specific situation? and we dont know what the specific situation is.... just feel, that its not good



its different for different people, what they think is "working on themselves" is... I hope the OP will come back and chime in

Posted by pinkbird03

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03
Don’t put up with the bullshit

see, that is what I mean by generic answers..... you put up with your Aqua´s shyte for too long and advising others to dont put up with the bullshit

PS. sorry to drag it into, but .... you know

I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness.

click to expand

"I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness."

I understand, and I was rooting for you 2, and I still think its not over. Its never over between aqua and cancer.

What I didnt like, was the "Don’t put up with the bullshit" answer.... how you can believe other posters, if they comment on your situation, if they give generic advice on other threads? know, what I mean?

If you said: I was in a somewhat same situation, when I felt unloved. Maybe he loved/loves me, maybe no, but I finally decided to not put up with the bullshit. - I would not reacted to this statement (just with a like)

Edit: we should create an environment, where everybody is okey with posting anything... but for the sake of other people, who read it and unfortunately believing every single word the OP is saying... its not going to make it a real helpful discussion...

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

I agree that if you are strong you can help the ones in trouble but then you wouldn’t feel used.

The feeling of giving to much and that you were in a toxic relationship it’s because you are not strong enough to handle it.

It’s always goes back to concertanting in your self to became stronger.

yes

but there are different life situations and approches:

1. you help others, who dont have self-reflection - you cant understand why and try to be there for them and its useless - you feel used - but believing in people and believing in what you are doing - good

2. you are a doormat and everybody is wiping the floor with you - not only your romantic interests, but everybody - bad

3. you are a moaner and always a victim, posting about toxic relationships without self-reflection - bad

4. you post about toxic relationships because you see your pattern and want to change it, but really change it - and all you get is a generic answer

5. other

hard to tell on the internet, who is meaning what

“He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work”

This 👆 tell me everything. She needs to work on her self

agreed. we dont really know what she ment by "tried to hard to make it work". what did she do to make it work?

what does it mean he never cared for her much?

without specifics I am torn, what to think about it

its not enough for me, if the OP tells, she tried hard to make it work..... what does it mean in real life? and what does it mean he never cared for her much? perception of an opening poster is not the absolute truth, without examples

posting about toxic relationships... not giving details... = generic answers

😄 I get your point, but for me the words she use in the op it’s plenty to get a clear picture of the situation. Don’t ask me why 😄

It may be my Neptune Mercury dominant planets

"😄 I get your point, but for me the words she use in the op it’s plenty to get a clear picture of the situation. Don’t ask me why 😄

It may be my Neptune Mercury dominant planets"



I dont ask you why, water placements just know 😄 (myself included)

but there are others, who read the topic, altough not chiming in, just lurking, and they may misconstruct some ideas....

altough the "work on yourself" is always the best advice 🙂 no doubt

but what exactly, how to do it in that specific situation? and we dont know what the specific situation is.... just feel, that its not good



its different for different people, what they think is "working on themselves" is... I hope the OP will come back and chime in

click to expand

Let’s wait until she comes back and give us a better understanding of her individual situation 😉

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03
Don’t put up with the bullshit

see, that is what I mean by generic answers..... you put up with your Aqua´s shyte for too long and advising others to dont put up with the bullshit

PS. sorry to drag it into, but .... you know

I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness.

"I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness."

I understand, and I was rooting for you 2, and I still think its not over. Its never over between aqua and cancer.

What I didnt like, was the "Don’t put up with the bullshit" answer.... how you can believe other posters, if they comment on your situation, if they give generic advice on other threads? know, what I mean?

If you said: I was in a somewhat same situation, when I felt unloved. Maybe he loved/loves me, maybe no, but I finally decided to not put up with the bullshit. - I would not reacted to this statement

click to expand

Maybe I just didn’t feel like talking about him right now. Clearly I don’t. But now that you’ve made me sad, here I go. A lot has happened recently and it’s a lot for me. Hes very manipulative and controlling. Basically I’m tired of his bs and I deleted all of his contact info and deleted him off Snapchat so no more games. Something I should have done a long time. He can’t be passive aggressive with me anymore. If he wants my attention, he’s going to have to directly reach out to me- something I’m not sure his ego will let him do.

I found myself easier to move on out of toxic relationship than the good one but not meant to be...

everything is in your mind, how you see things.

if its toxic, then it's not your fault.

if it feels like you are attracting toxic people to you, maybe there's something about yourself that you need to fix.

maybe first step is to determine what kind of toxic it is?

to me, I kept attracting NPD people, and I find out that it's because I'm easily to trust people. Then I fix that side of mine and be more cautious.

Sometimes it was good relationship turned toxic, because I couldn't let go even tho she said it was over. about that, I should learn how to move on and learn how to let go.

overall, never blame yourself for relationship failures.

it's just not meant to be, not anyone's fault.

best of luck

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by pinkbird03

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by pinkbird03
Don’t put up with the bullshit

see, that is what I mean by generic answers..... you put up with your Aqua´s shyte for too long and advising others to dont put up with the bullshit

PS. sorry to drag it into, but .... you know

I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness.

"I deleted him FYI. And trust me I know that. I’m not good with detaching myself. Always takes me awhile. Please don’t be a bitch. No need for your crispness."

I understand, and I was rooting for you 2, and I still think its not over. Its never over between aqua and cancer.

What I didnt like, was the "Don’t put up with the bullshit" answer.... how you can believe other posters, if they comment on your situation, if they give generic advice on other threads? know, what I mean?

If you said: I was in a somewhat same situation, when I felt unloved. Maybe he loved/loves me, maybe no, but I finally decided to not put up with the bullshit. - I would not reacted to this statement

Maybe I just didn’t feel like talking about him right now. Clearly I don’t. But now that you’ve made me sad, here I go. A lot has happened recently and it’s a lot for me. Hes very manipulative and controlling. Basically I’m tired of his bs and I deleted all of his contact info and deleted him off Snapchat so no more games. Something I should have done a long time. He can’t be passive aggressive with me anymore. If he wants my attention, he’s going to have to directly reach out to me- something I’m not sure his ego will let him do.

Is this still the Aqua you’re on about. I told you it’s gonna be a rough ride trying to replace him.

You said you were dating?

I think you’re finding it difficult to disconnect from his Venus Pisces.

They love like no other.

click to expand

We dated in September and October. Since then it’s been nonstop stalking, in each other’s life daily, both playing so many games I didn’t even know they existed (for attention) talking at least a few times a month if I initiate. But he does things to get me to initiate if it’s been about a week. Yet we haven’t hung out since end of October. He obviously doesn’t want to. I’m finding it difficult to disconnect with him because he’s still in my life. Or was. Deleting him forced him out. I’m sure that’s not settling well with him. Especially Snapchat. He acted out in a big way right after I turned my location off the other day so he couldn’t see what I’m up to anymore. I think he’s got issues. Don’t know what they are, but yea.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by pisceswoman123

Posted by tiziani
Only thing I can say is making mistakes worked for me.

Working on yourself sounds good but for me it was too cerebral.

Screwing things up first hand and just learning the hard way turned out to be more effective.

Do what you gotta do imo.

Making mistakes and learning from them is the perfect way to grow, but to stop the pattern you need to change.

These are truisms that can apply to any situation.

I'm just saying what turned out to work for me.

Thing is with the "work on yourself" rhetoric in general, not just in this thread, it goes in circles without every really getting into specifics.

I never really put my heart into the rhetoric and just paid it lip service for years until I truly screwed things up for myself and saw it's not so bad.

End result of that for me was = it was "work" on myself when I saw not everything has to be a reflection on me. Then I was more of a self-starter, not stopping to sit back and overanalyse every setback.

click to expand

I think we are agreeing on this but put it in differently.

I am a doer too. I am not scared of making mistakes because you learn from them. But that for me is working on my self too 😄

I think the op should just think a bit more about what it’s good for her and what she wants.

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

Exactly. They have their own issues to work on, just like you. You're not their mother nor a psychatrist.

click to expand

"Exactly. They have their own issues to work on, just like you. You're not their mother nor a psychatrist. "

yes 🙂

the only thing I want to make sure is that the opening post not to be so self-serving, or the responses not so generic, buying into the self-serving opening posts (like: is he a jerk, if he does this and that?.... is she a biatch to do this and that? I am getting married and I met my fiance once! and forgetting to revail details) 🙂

Edit: I mean, forgetting to revail details about their own insane or obsessive or inconsistent or deluded behaviour, and details about being virtual or ......... anything, what may lead to it

You take a good an honest look on yourself, your standards and your decisions and when you are happy with that you stick up to it.

Better single than in toxic relationships...

Write down everything you are looking for in a good partner. Use the negative experiences to create the positive list for yourself. For example, I dated a guy for years who would never smile when he saw me, and that bothered me( but he treated me like a queen) see, I was confused but in my heart I knew something was missing. So what did I do? I wrote down “find a man who is happy every time he sees me. And guess what, I finally found that and then some. Point is, you can’t find what you need until you find out what you want. Start that list 😉

Find this book called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Thank me later. I promise after you read it you'll feel better.

Posted by Moonbutter
Write down everything you are looking for in a good partner. Use the negative experiences to create the positive list for yourself. For example, I dated a guy for years who would never smile when he saw me, and that bothered me( but he treated me like a queen) see, I was confused but in my heart I knew something was missing. So what did I do? I wrote down “find a man who is happy every time he sees me. And guess what, I finally found that and then some. Point is, you can’t find what you need until you find out what you want. Start that list 😉

Definitely write down & focus your energy on what you want & who you want. This is perfect advice as well.

Posted by Freebirdd17
So i recently broke up with this guy i had been seeing for past six months. He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work. Anyhow, I've to now move on and my previous ex (before this one) has moved to my office and is happily married. I try to be happy around him. I realize I've a pattern of attracting toxic relationships where in I only give and then get dumped. Can you help without further beating my self esteem down. i already feel shit that i let these people in my life. They seemed so harmless. I'm trying hard to move on and keep busy with things but i don't want to end up alone and feel low again.

You wait for the guy who asks not what you can do for him, but what he can do for you. Find the guy who wants to make you happy, who you both want to make eachother happy. Keep it moving until you find that.

When you do you and do what you think is right for you and your health and well-being.

That's when things starts to turn

Thanks for the responses. I'll try to give in some details here. I met this guy at work and we started talking much after he left. He chased me for some time before i consented to date. Although it was long distance right from start, he was in a city close by. Things weresmoith between us but he was not as invested as i was i could feel. So before he moved to a farther city i asked if we should break up if this is headed no where and i don't want casual fling. He said he feels positive for me and wanted to continue. But after that it was quite weird. He wouldn't talk that much (which I'm OK with and i believe in giving space) and he told me within a month that we are headed no where. This came up when there was some pressure from my family on me for marriage.(although i told him he can take his time and i wil face this) I was ok to call it off and he met me and wished to give it another shot. It lasted four months but all along only i would put efforts for staying in touch, planning meet ups or even bearing his mood swings. His behavious did troble me a bit but i was very patient with him and didn't wanna nag him. Again when marriage talks were on at my place (I'm from India and wet have concept of arranged marriage too) he flipped out. I was pissed and we broke up. I told him to connect with me only if he is serious and wants to make changes. He met me and was normal as if nothing happened. Later he told me we are off still. I know i sound very stupid when i say all this but i thought this weirdness was due to long distance. I feel like an idiot dragging on for so long now.

Anyhow, prior to this one i had a guy at work who liked me and asked me to marry him. He pursued me and we dated for 4 months and since he couldn't work it out with his family, wet split up. He ghosted me completely and treated me very rudely when we were breaking up. I was shocked as we had a very good relationship and i really fell for him back then. He is now back at my work and although we dont talk much he kinda is a reminder of my mistake again.

I want to change things and i know it has to be me but i can't figure out what exactly. I take my time before i start dating too know the person, i don't nag much and stay loyal. May be i am too available that's the reason . I do try to move on and have my life and do all things i like but i do miss being with someone. Is that a bad thing?

He's aries and I'm Scorpio if that helps

Posted by Moonbutter

Posted by Freebirdd17
So i recently broke up with this guy i had been seeing for past six months. He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work. Anyhow, I've to now move on and my previous ex (before this one) has moved to my office and is happily married. I try to be happy around him. I realize I've a pattern of attracting toxic relationships where in I only give and then get dumped. Can you help without further beating my self esteem down. i already feel shit that i let these people in my life. They seemed so harmless. I'm trying hard to move on and keep busy with things but i don't want to end up alone and feel low again.

You wait for the guy who asks not what you can do for him, but what he can do for you. Find the guy who wants to make you happy, who you both want to make eachother happy. Keep it moving until you find that.

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Initially it's like that with most, but gradually it fades away. I try to give benefit of doubt there considering people get comfortable in relationships and arent as doting at they are initially. May b it's where I'm wrong

1) Don't be desperate. Be happy in yourself, when single. This way you won't take the first option.

2) Get your standards high. Think about 3-4 qualities in a man that would be essential for the kind of relationship you want and DO NOT compromise on them.

3) Do not fall in love easily. Avoid excessive drinking, drugs and orgasms for the first 6 months. Keep your head clear and observe everything during this time. Most "relationships" end within 6 months, and this has nothing to do with you...you are just not a good match.

4) Be an equal. Try not to give more than you take in a relationship, be it time, affection or goods.

"Initially it's like that with most, but gradually it fades away."



Don't burn the candle at both ends then!

Establish sustainable habits from the beginning. Never neglect your job, friends and hobbies just because you start seeing a guy.

Posted by Undine
1) Don't be desperate. Be happy in yourself, when single. This way you won't take the first option.

2) Get your standards high. Think about 3-4 qualities in a man that would be essential for the kind of relationship you want and DO NOT compromise on them.

3) Do not fall in love easily. Avoid excessive drinking, drugs and orgasms for the first 6 months. Keep your head clear and observe everything during this time. Most "relationships" end within 6 months, and this has nothing to do with you...you are just not a good match.

4) Be an equal. Try not to give more than you take in a relationship, be it time, affection or goods.

Thanks. I will keep these in mind

Learn to love your own company

If you don't, the chances are you will fall into the wrong arms

People date for all fhe wrong reasons at times

Posted by Undine
"Initially it's like that with most, but gradually it fades away."



Don't burn the candle at both ends then!

Establish sustainable habits from the beginning. Never neglect your job, friends and hobbies just because you start seeing a guy.

This is where i might have a conflict. I was in a long distance in both cases so i had my life as usual before and during the relationship. Somehow whatever i did was not enough according to him. Like he would say i was too social if i met my friends frequently. Suddenly i was tagged anti social cuz i was not able to hang out much due to my work. I anyways continued doing what i felt right. But tell me, how do you decide how much time to give a relationship. I called him once in two days cuz he didn't like talking on phone much. It died eventually but i always feel a relationship shouldn't break because of me. So i do whatever i can to save it. May be that's not good

Posted by Freebirdd17

Posted by Undine
"Initially it's like that with most, but gradually it fades away."



Don't burn the candle at both ends then!

Establish sustainable habits from the beginning. Never neglect your job, friends and hobbies just because you start seeing a guy.

This is where i might have a conflict. I was in a long distance in both cases so i had my life as usual before and during the relationship. Somehow whatever i did was not enough according to him. Like he would say i was too social if i met my friends frequently. Suddenly i was tagged anti social cuz i was not able to hang out much due to my work. I anyways continued doing what i felt right. But tell me, how do you decide how much time to give a relationship. I called him once in two days cuz he didn't like talking on phone much. It died eventually but i always feel a relationship shouldn't break because of me. So i do whatever i can to save it. May be that's not good

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Do not start a long distance relationship, unless your separation is going to be short (1-12 months) and it would not take much effort to relocate and find a job.

You did nothing wrong, it's just 99% of LDR are a waste of time. The 1% that work is because both of them had something priceless that was impossible to find in their own village.

Find someone closer to you, that you could meet at least once a week.

Posted by Freebirdd17

Posted by Undine
"Initially it's like that with most, but gradually it fades away."



Don't burn the candle at both ends then!

Establish sustainable habits from the beginning. Never neglect your job, friends and hobbies just because you start seeing a guy.

This is where i might have a conflict. I was in a long distance in both cases so i had my life as usual before and during the relationship. Somehow whatever i did was not enough according to him. Like he would say i was too social if i met my friends frequently. Suddenly i was tagged anti social cuz i was not able to hang out much due to my work. I anyways continued doing what i felt right. But tell me, how do you decide how much time to give a relationship. I called him once in two days cuz he didn't like talking on phone much. It died eventually but i always feel a relationship shouldn't break because of me. So i do whatever i can to save it. May be that's not good

click to expand

Interesting that your handle is “freebirdd” when really you are more like a caged bird when it comes to these LDR. Time to be you and follow your truth and heart. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. We as women,especially have insight to help us find a good mate and that means if you have to make a relationship work, then it’s not working. Please stop with the LDRs, they mostly don’t work.

Posted by Caramel_Princess
The time I let others treat me less than I deserve were times where I didn’t FEEL like I deserved better. Do you feel like you struggle with accepting and loving yourself? Knowing your value? Knowing you deserve better?

Self love is a long and hard journey but when you think about it it’s absolutely necessary, you spend more time with yourself than with anybody else.

Stop putting others first, and you’re not selfish for putting yourself first cause that’s what everyone else is going to do with you. They’ll put their needs and wants before you. Sometimes you keep giving and think that it surely will pay off eventually and they’ll be able to see that and they’ll be able to love you, but you’ll realize that people aren’t as englightened as that. They won’t see it.

They’ll think that because they treated you so poorly and you stuck with it, that they’re so strong and great and that you’re beneath them so they think they can do even better than you!

You're very right! I do think this way that is they will eventually see the goodness and may be they'll reciprocate but it goes in US other direction. I wonder though, do these guys ever regret losing girls like us. Or life goes smooth for them and only we feel the occasional pangs

Also, I've always had this conflict of whether you should let ego dictate your behavior when in love. May be these guys didn't see, but the right one may appreciate and acknowledge that we put them above petty stuff?

Posted by Caramel_Princess

Posted by Freebirdd17

Posted by Caramel_Princess
The time I let others treat me less than I deserve were times where I didn’t FEEL like I deserved better. Do you feel like you struggle with accepting and loving yourself? Knowing your value? Knowing you deserve better?

Self love is a long and hard journey but when you think about it it’s absolutely necessary, you spend more time with yourself than with anybody else.

Stop putting others first, and you’re not selfish for putting yourself first cause that’s what everyone else is going to do with you. They’ll put their needs and wants before you. Sometimes you keep giving and think that it surely will pay off eventually and they’ll be able to see that and they’ll be able to love you, but you’ll realize that people aren’t as englightened as that. They won’t see it.

They’ll think that because they treated you so poorly and you stuck with it, that they’re so strong and great and that you’re beneath them so they think they can do even better than you!

You're very right! I do think this way that is they will eventually see the goodness and may be they'll reciprocate but it goes in US other direction. I wonder though, do these guys ever regret losing girls like us. Or life goes smooth for them and only we feel the occasional pangs

Also, I've always had this conflict of whether you should let ego dictate your behavior when in love. May be these guys didn't see, but the right one may appreciate and acknowledge that we put them above petty stuff?

I think it’s even easier to feel rejected in a setting like arranged marriages in India or even just the pressure to get married can complicate things cause men go into it very on edge and alert.. instead of just going with the flow if the marriage talk wasn’t present yet. They overthink things and try to get every little aspect right which BACKFIRES! They’re so scared of making a mistake.

Yes they will regret it, men are humans too and even if they don’t say it to your face, they’ll know when they’ve fucked up... he may never come back to you and get on his knees and admit it, but if you’ve set the bar high enough how can he not have doubts? He can’t be lucky enough to just move on unharmed. Just read posts online about heartbroken men. They’re MORE than ones by women... I had no idea until I saw it myself.

But even when people have doubts and regrets, what’s the most common advice they get? It’s ok man.. learn from your mistakes, do better next time.

Loyalty and persistence is rare. And Scorpios are a super high level of loyal. Next time hold your cards closer to your chest.

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This is so accurate! I'm so pleasantly surprised to see that someone has such a good understanding of this dumb concept we have in india. The pressure of marriage is still high on me and i think all the 3/4 times we came close to breaking up was when this thing came into picture. Even though i kept telling him that he can take his time, I think he overthought a lot of things and it only distanced me from him. Like a dumb woman i was even hoping for sometime that he would come back. Anyhow, i can't fool myself to think this might be the only reason why he flipped out. I must have done something to drive him away and i think i should seriously consider the inputs given here by others to work on myself. I'm just really scared to marry a total stranger. I wanted to marry for love but may be that's not on cards for me 🙂

Posted by Freebirdd17
Anyhow, I've to now move on and my previous ex (before this one) has moved to my office and is happily married.

You don't know that tho. Every relationship has its issues...

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by Pandora101

Posted by Nevamore

Posted by pisceswoman123
Working on your self esteem and concentrating in your self.

That is the other way.

When you are strong you wouldn’t be attracted to this people.

It’s me time for you 😊

This.

I am not sure.... if you are strong, you want to rescue the week and troubled people.... there is just no instant or romantic or any other validation of your good work and sacrifices

most people want to be understood by people, who dont understand them and dont care.... the challange of make them understand your intentions and your inner thoughts is what keep you doing it over and over again.... because you dont really belive others are so out of touch with themselves, they dont even give af

OP, dont try to save them

Exactly. They have their own issues to work on, just like you. You're not their mother nor a psychatrist.

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This 😉

Posted by Freebirdd17
So i recently broke up with this guy i had been seeing for past six months. He never cared for me much although i tried hard To make it work. Anyhow, I've to now move on and my previous ex (before this one) has moved to my office and is happily married. I try to be happy around him. I realize I've a pattern of attracting toxic relationships where in I only give and then get dumped. Can you help without further beating my self esteem down. i already feel shit that i let these people in my life. They seemed so harmless. I'm trying hard to move on and keep busy with things but i don't want to end up alone and feel low again.

It’s easier said than done, but then for me

Love doesn’t have to be unconditional, ok?

Love gives. and you give what you get

Love is a verb, its an action of give and take realistically.

Just have that in mind, you cannot give to someone that’s not giving back to you , that person would literally think you’re stupid for doing that trust me. (When someone you don’t like does stuff to please you , yeah that type of thing)

You deserve to feel loved too.

Write down how you think you deserve to feel with people and then go through the list with the people around you, if they’re not matching up take some space from them. You matter too.

You have to always remember that you deserve to feel the way you make others feel, anything less shouldn’t be acceptable.

Toxic relationships develop because of different reasons start from codependency, insecurity, lack of boundaries and respect others, involving npd, bdp etc

It's no one job to fix others. The point is, if a relationship doesn't contain peace and compassion, and you re the one compromise, there is no point to be in it at all. If you not happy with the relationship, find another one suit your standards and don't accept less than you aiming for. You can analyse whys for 20pages but its a waste of time

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Freebirdd17
He's aries and I'm Scorpio if that helps

Steamy but convoluted.

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You mean i shouldn't have bothered? I read up some other threads on aries which says they leave if they don't feel excited enough. I did try to plan meet ups n stuff but i am not sure if it's worth staging excitement, adventure and extroverted social life when i don't really feel like it. He always complained on me staying home on my own. It's not that i don't like going out. I crave for fun times but sometimes I kinda prefer my own company rather than fake ones. really don't know what drove him away but has it got anything to do with our signs? Should i be careful about it in future?