How Do You Know When You Love Someone?

(just something i read - thought someone might find it interesting)

I used to believe that love was like a light switch: Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks—or a strong arrow. It's when you know that you've found the one, right?

Not so much.

After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore. I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love, in reality, is a series of choices. The first choice is based on many factors, including chemistry, principles, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want or need, etc. The list is endless and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual. Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments: The way he looks at you. How hard she makes you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything.

But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. Fights. Disagreements. The little things that bother you: His socks, her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. And once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice: to continue to fly with this person or parachute out of the plane. This choice is based on a many other factors, but again depend on the individual and where they are in their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). Yet sooner or later you find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. And then you hit turbulence again—or maybe, this time, there is no turbulence. Or maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination. Either way, you have to make another choice: Jump, or continue to fly?

Love is making a choice every day, either to love or not to love. That’s it. You either continue the process or you don't. We fall in and out of love. Even in relationships—especially in relationships. This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person; it means we are left with a choice.

There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person) and loving someone (choosing to love that person). You may have love for someone forever. But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever. The choice to love is not a feeling; it is an action. That is why it's so difficult. Love requires you to do something—and I’m not just talking about buying flowers. It might mean putting your wants aside. Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant; it is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you are in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love; sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.

Although love varies, it also deepens. The longer you stay on that flight and share a journey together, the more fruit the process will bear. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy—which means that both of you are doing the work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in your life that you could never hit alone. That's what makes your choice worth it.

So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question to ask is this: Do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow, but today. Make a choice: Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got—that is, your capacity right now at this point in your life. If the answer is no, promise me one thing: Let the fall make you stronger.

Damn... thats it.. i just didnt know to describe it.. i always wondered why i dont see love the way others do, like something that just happens.. i build it.. and the more i build the more i love..

this is very nicely said 🙂

you put their happiness before yours

Posted by Tirano24

Posted by Ophiuchus
you put their happiness before yours

People that do this obviously don't place great value on the self. Sad.

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Sometimes you do that because you are happy when you make them happy. when another opportunity comes along, they will return the favour. Loves means sometimes having to compromise and thats ok because ultimately the relationship brings you more happiness than the thing you compromised on.

Posted by JustJules
@jeane This is beautiful, but it is sad when the choice to love ends between two people. And it's sad when you have nobody in your life to give your love to...there's always your family, friends or yourself. But not having someone to give your romantic love to creates a big empty hole when you are a loving soul...

Yes, very true. It's the human curse isn't it? Although now I think about there are probably a few other animals that feel that way too when they lose their partner.

Posted by Infinite8


This was beautifully written, but I do not agree with the bolded part. To me, love is ALWAYS a feeling. The feeling is always there and it is that feeling that allows me to be passionate and continue on even when things are ugly and difficult. Love = hate sometimes. It's not always a bed of roses... But through it all, I am still feeling.

It is not something I have to think about. The action is not what makes me feel.

Once the feeling is there it stays at that level but just transforms into different "colors" of emotions (hate, annoyance, irritation, endearment, etc).

Maybe this is just a different way of functionality with thinkers (air and earth) vs. feelers (water and fire).

Yes you could be right about the difference between thinkers and feelers. For me, it is a choice. To be otherwise for me, it would mean being a slave to my emotions and I have to admit, my reason rules. If my partner cheats on me, hits me, mistreats me, regardless of my feeling of care and affection for him, I will stop loving him. Not stop feeling love but stop loving.

I have known earth signs that have been abused and stayed in the relationship because they couldn't stop loving. I can't imagine it. It seems unfathomable. Id rather be broken hearted than broken boned.

Beautiful post ❤️️

Love is a beautiful thing thanks for sharing this.

Here's a song for this lol

Posted by Solitude
Although I disagree with your meaning of love, this thread is the best I've read on DXP. Thank you. I like how you don't have unrealistic expectations of love and how you put a lot of rational thought into the opening post.

I'm cozy with the knowledge that I will die never understanding the nature of this universe and that there is no such thing as love. Pondering the meaning of it, is philosophical masturbation.. because love is just a neurochemical response and like everything else, it has an eventual annihilation. It doesn't mean there's no point in having relationships though, it's all we have in this world.. yet, when you gaze into the abyss, love doesn't matter.

I just feel lucky to be alive and be confused by it all.

As much as I would love to take credit for a well considered, temperate look at love, I can't. Not my words but something I read earlier today. I know these boards are often occupied with threads of the cardiac nature, I figured you lot might take something away from it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it 🙂

Posted by Infinite8

Posted by jeane

Posted by Infinite8


This was beautifully written, but I do not agree with the bolded part. To me, love is ALWAYS a feeling. The feeling is always there and it is that feeling that allows me to be passionate and continue on even when things are ugly and difficult. Love = hate sometimes. It's not always a bed of roses... But through it all, I am still feeling.

It is not something I have to think about. The action is not what makes me feel.

Once the feeling is there it stays at that level but just transforms into different "colors" of emotions (hate, annoyance, irritation, endearment, etc).

Maybe this is just a different way of functionality with thinkers (air and earth) vs. feelers (water and fire).

Yes you could be right about the difference between thinkers and feelers. For me, it is a choice. To be otherwise for me, it would mean being a slave to my emotions and I have to admit, my reason rules. If my partner cheats on me, hits me, mistreats me, regardless of my feeling of care and affection for him, I will stop loving him. Not stop feeling love but stop loving.

I have known earth signs that have been abused and stayed in the relationship because they couldn't stop loving. I can't imagine it. It seems unfathomable. Id rather be broken hearted than broken boned.

Hmmm... From this response, I am now getting the impression that you are the same as me as far as how you react 😕

To me, I cannot choose who I love BUT I can choose what I do about it. It seems like you said the same thing, too.

I am not a slave to love... But it is a feeling I cannot control. It is either there or it is not.

What I do about it is a totally different subject to me though...

If someone I truly love treats me badly in any way, shape or form, I think I would be more forgiving than if there was no love but it would also hurt deeper than anything.

But I also love myself. So, I can see myself forgiving once... But I will not forgive twice.

Leaving a relationship has nothing to do with how I feel for that person.... Because even though I might be feeling HATE while I leave, I have not even once stopped feeling. In that sense, I always remain a "feeler" and behave based on how I feel.

Being cheated on or treated badly affects how I FEEL in a deep way. So deep, it is difficult to forgive. It's not about me thinking that it is unacceptable. It's about never wanting to feel that again!

So... It sounds like we hav the same results, just coming from a different core.

With Taurus - my Taurus mother left my dad once we all grew up. But she took a lot from him. I asked her recently if it was because of us that she stayed and she said "no, it was because I loved him". She STILL loves him, but in a different way. They are best friends now... (Dad is Aqua).

For Taurus men - I've never seen them leave. They just go back to a harem and get wandering eyes... Inviting other women to fulfill the missing pieces.

I think for the men it is more to do with laziness than love...lol. And just staying in a level of comfort.

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I think she explains the difference as I understand it here

"There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person) and loving someone (choosing to love that person). You may have love for someone forever. But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever. The choice to love is not a feeling; it is an action. That is why it's so difficult. Love requires you to do something—and I’m not just talking about buying flowers. It might mean putting your wants aside."

In those instances where you choose not to feel the same way again, it is you choosing not to put your wants aside.

For me there is a choice, head or heart? Where the heart leads, it's because the head allows it to, allows it to get its way but like children, there is always a line where the head can and should put a stop to it all if need be.

Maybe it feels like no choice but that is only because there is a silent agreement from the head.

beautiful thread and I want to come back and read more when I return on Monday - wanted to share this poem on this thread because it speaks the same language ...

Kahlil Gibran

on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.