Narcissist......I had to leave him or I would have.....

Narcissist......I had to leave him or I would have lost myself. Im hurt to the core, how do you heal?? I love him with all of who I am and who he was turning me to be and it still was never enough.

I'd like to change my response: it will be alright.

Read up on narcissism and get some validation --

And like the other poster said... give it time. ♡

If he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), to help with your healing process this site may help, and there's a good free support forum attached. 🙂


http://www.outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html

Posted by Nemilicious
I posted this in your thread on the scorp board: go to youtube and search these two dudes: sam vaknin and the spartanlifecoach

Vaknin breaks down what a narcissist is and does in such minute detail in all situations of life.

Thespartanlifecoach gives advice on how to heal from this and has really great input.

Understanding is the first step to recovery.

Sam Vaknin's videos are excellent. Quite something to watch because he reminds me of someone who had NPD that I knew. The condescending tone both with voice and writing style (I read one of Vaknin's books) is similar.

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove

Posted by Nemilicious
I posted this in your thread on the scorp board: go to youtube and search these two dudes: sam vaknin and the spartanlifecoach

Vaknin breaks down what a narcissist is and does in such minute detail in all situations of life.

Thespartanlifecoach gives advice on how to heal from this and has really great input.

Understanding is the first step to recovery.

Sam Vaknin's videos are excellent. Quite something to watch because he reminds me of someone who had NPD that I knew. The condescending tone both with voice and writing style (I read one of Vaknin's books) is similar.

If i remember correctly, vaknin has twice been diagnosed with npd and had also done time in jail. He states this in a documentary, maybe i can find it and post it. I agree with you about his tone. And he knows he his accurate. A friend of mine bought the complete manual, he said it was dry and monotone sometimes but the info he gathered was worth the read. Did you find it enlightning? I have only watched his videos so far.

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Yes, Vaknin has the disorder, and has worked on it so he isn't as destructive to himself and others now, but he still has it, he says. Most people with NPD don't work on it, apparently, and therapists hate working with them because if the NPD person agrees to therapy, they usually aren't serious about it and use it as an opportunity to smugly ridicule the therapist.

I agree with what your friend said about the manual. Lots of useful info, and even the dry monotone quality in parts is helpful because people with NPD can be very much like that, so when reading the book you both learn about the condition and also how a person might come across when they have it. NPD people have an off-the-charts level of self importance so they can be rather long winded with how they express things. I was both amused and disturbed when reading the book. It was like being in the same room with the person I knew, at times, only the person I knew had other areas of interest so they would talk a lot about those things, not psychology like Vaknin does.

Posted by Nemilicious
I had no idea how dangerous narcs can be and how deep the damage is done.

It can be really bad, yes. The higher their intelligence is, the more so. They can be quite ingenious with how they undermine people close to them.

Posted by Nemilicious
It is mindboggling at times, but eye opening at the same time when you realize you are not the only person dealing with something you cannot find words for. The eureka moments were plentiful! This is why i enjoy the spartanlifecoach. His approach might be out there, but in true spartan manner you stare your opponent (situation) in the eye and tackle.

Off I go to look him up. 🙂. I wonder if it's like what Vaknin advises that I, inadvertently, discovered worked with the NDP person I knew. I didn't want to have to continue to deal with him, but at least for short periods he would be agreeable when I did what I later found out was the best way to handle them, according to Vaknin.

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove

Posted by Nemilicious
I had no idea how dangerous narcs can be and how deep the damage is done.

It can be really bad, yes. The higher their intelligence is, the more so. They can be quite ingenious with how they undermine people close to them.

Yes. Quite devastating. The covert narc even more so. Isolating their partners to gain full control seems to be a common theme with them in general.

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Yes. The person I knew didn't go the full way with that, but it came close.

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove

Posted by Nemilicious
I had no idea how dangerous narcs can be and how deep the damage is done.

It can be really bad, yes. The higher their intelligence is, the more so. They can be quite ingenious with how they undermine people close to them.

Yes. Quite devastating. The covert narc even more so. Isolating their partners to gain full control seems to be a common theme with them in general.

Yes. The person I knew didn't go the full way with that, but it came close.

Wish i was not on my phone, i would write a bit more otherwise. Interested to hear your thoughts on the spartan if you would like to catch up. I have not experienced this at work as you have but i can imagine it being a nasty situation . they like to abuse power.

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No problem! I am watching his videos now and really like them so far. He describes things so well. I'd also be fine with PMing about this, if you want to. Whatever you prefer.

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove

Posted by Nemilicious
I had no idea how dangerous narcs can be and how deep the damage is done.

It can be really bad, yes. The higher their intelligence is, the more so. They can be quite ingenious with how they undermine people close to them.

Yes. Quite devastating. The covert narc even more so. Isolating their partners to gain full control seems to be a common theme with them in general.

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+1 Covert Narc is the worst!

For the poster you've been given a lot of good help here, take it, and do yourself a huge favor, take the help/advice.

The more you know about the disorder the better you can begin to heal and protect your mind and heart from the Narcs invasive intrusive emotional mental mindf*ck that goes on and on and on.

@Nemilicious Great! Good to know about Monday.

Cool, the video you just posted about how he overcame narcisstic abuse is the one I had started to watch about a minute before you posted. Excellent stuff! I'll be watching lots of his videos I'm sure. 🙂

Posted by Nemilicious

Posted by CopperDove
@Nemilicious Great! Good to know about Monday.

Cool, the video you just posted about how he overcame narcisstic abuse is the one I had started to watch about a minute before you posted. Excellent stuff! I'll be watching lots of his videos I'm sure. 🙂

I might follow suit and watch some of his latest vids! Have a great weekend!

🙂

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Great. 🙂 I like his movie references - they help to illustrate his points so well. I hope that you have a great weekend too. 🙂

Posted by backtokemet
interesting stuff ..

one thing I'll say is I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of someone with NPD or BPD

there was this girl in college that I -suspected- of being BPD with 'avoidant tendencies'
(or in layman terms, a shy drama queen .. I actually prefer this over DSM labels created by so-called mental health experts)

one time, I was sitting next to her and picked up on how she felt inside .. it was like a bottomless pit of despair
her vibe made me so uncomfy I feigned taking a nap to hide my discomfort lol

what I'd like to know is:
what really separates someone with a personality disorder (or cluster of them) from a normal person ?

I would pick up things about the person I knew with NPD. I know what you mean about not wanting to be them! There's a lot of pain and emptiness and awful stuff going on.

For people who have closer relationships with people with these kinds of conditions (including relatives) there can often be confusion because it's natural to feel compassion for them thanks to empathy. They are indeed hurting.

The difference, and big problem, seems to be that things that might be helpful to most people who have been hurt in their past (if they are shown compassion, and constructive ways to deal with their issues), don't usually work well with people with these conditions. Or they only do temporarily. Their response to trauma was to create a persona. In the case of someone with NPD, the persona is someone who is vastly superior to others. That helps to disassociate them from the trauma. It's a very dramatic form of denial. They're like method actors who refuse to come out of character. They will fight hard to maintain the false persona because they someone feel/think it's all that they have.

@backtokemet

I won't quote you so you can hide the post if you need to. I understand as a person with many Scorpio things running in me. 🙂

Yes, the DSM-IV is really flawed and wants to make so many things separate conditions and diseases when it's a lot more complex than that, and also, IMO, it's a way to classify things so drug companies can come up with many new ways to market their drugs.

I agree with what is said about certain persona-adopting strategies, like NPD, from what I've observed that later was put into words well by the descriptions I've read, but even when I type NPD in a post here, I feel a bit uncomfortable because I know that it's feeding into the DSM-IV view of the world.

Very good for sure that you didn't have trauma starting really young. That seems to make a big difference with coping strategies - how ingrained they can get.

By strategies, I mean coping mechanisms. With people that do persona-adopting (my description, as far as I know) enough to be labelled something like NPD, they will increasingly believe they are the persona they created. It's a very strange thing to be around. The person can sound so convinced that they are just as they describe themselves to be, so it isn't like they're lying consciously like you'd expect.

@Nemilicious Hi, since it's Monday and you might have computer access now, perhaps you'd like to continue the discussion? I can PM you, of course.