Our generations delayed adulthood

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_generation_y_needs_from_parents

The above article talks about one of the topics I've had on my mind for some time. Having reached my mid twenties in the last year I was faced with the reality that I was not where I wanted to be in adulthood. I have taken the steps to get to that point by moving to another country (with minimal help) to make money and grow in my independence. It's helped a lot, but I am moving back soon and I can already feel the overbearing weight of my parents as I plan my return back to live with them. I have had two offers for others to live with. One is a friend and the other is my boyfriend. But I do not have a job lined up and would like to take some time to get my bearings before starting back up in a job. Just don't want to get comfortable.

What are you guys take on all this.... do you believe that those of us in our mid twenties should already be living on our own and independent?

How did you finally make that push to get out there and survive real life?

Posted by happykitsune
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_generation_y_needs_from_parents

What are you guys take on all this.... do you believe that those of us in our mid twenties should already be living on our own and independent?

How did you finally make that push to get out there and survive real life?

Yes. In your mid 20s you should be self supportive and all grown up, not relying on your parents.

Actually, what I don't understand is why don't kids in this generation WANT to still be living with their parents. My generation couldn't wait to get out on our own, enjoying life under our own rules and doing what we wanted without anyone telling us what to do. Oh, but you'd have to do your own cooking, pay your own bills, do your own laundry...maybe that's the attractiveness. Could be the economy....but there was nothing better than 2-4 young people sharing an apartment, struggling together. Living poor has its merits.

Eh, well....no judgement....another generational gap, I suppose. lol!

And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.

Posted by Arielle83
So you've been living as an expat and now are returning home and have to stay with family? If that's the case, I understand your anxiety.

Before I met my husband overseas, I was constantly thinking of moving home. Only my pride and stubbornness didn't let me. I felt I failed if I had to start back over in the city I lived in with my rents. However, now I see it as just a temporary break from the independent live I created at the age of 17. You probably need a bit of time to re-engage with family and centre yourself and figure out your next step.

There's nothing wrong with living with family as long as you aren't needy of them and consistently financially dependent on them. You've already proved your independence by making a life for yourself as an expat. Welcome the limbo state.

Thanks. Yeah this is pretty much it. And yes I am worried about becoming financially needy on them and becoming comfortable in this lull of not doing anything. I guess I just need to make sure I'm keeping on top of getting out there. I've asked my boyfriend to keep on me about that so here's to hoping I take off for good this time.

Posted by truecap
And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.

No offense taken.

Part of the reason why I wanted to get out there in the first place was to get away from the overbearing rules. My scorpio dad tends to be a pain with that. Both him and my taurus mom were very against me leaving the country to work and live on my own...almost to the point of delaying my trip. Finally they gave in and let me go. It was really hard on them. I could see that in the way they changed after I had left. I have other younger sisters, but I am the oldest so I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

Being a sag I feel that overbearing-ness from them pretty strongly. Made me even more ready to go.

Posted by djbuck1
I do agree with TC. I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. And I always managed to find some kind of work to support myself. There were some pretty lean years in there that I would not care to re-live. But the thought of going back to my parents never crossed my mind.

Were your parents overbearing in any way?

What sign are you, if you don't mind me asking, ?

That's the thing. I don't have a job lined up. Still looking but the goal is to find something by the end of March. Going to see about getting rehired at my old job because I enjoyed working there before I left, but not holding my breath.

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by truecap
And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.

No offense taken.

Part of the reason why I wanted to get out there in the first place was to get away from the overbearing rules. My scorpio dad tends to be a pain with that. Both him and my taurus mom were very against me leaving the country to work and live on my own...almost to the point of delaying my trip. Finally they gave in and let me go. It was really hard on them. I could see that in the way they changed after I had left. I have other younger sisters, but I am the oldest so I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

Being a sag I feel that overbearing-ness from them pretty strongly. Made me even more ready to go.

click to expand

I was just thinking about this. I think the parents of my generation were more controlling and had more rules than my generation as parents. We're cooler and more accepting, like we are more friends with our kids and perhaps the incentive isn't there for kids to move out on their own. We make it too easy on them to be at home. Perhaps we are doing a disserve to them by being more carefree?

Posted by tiziani
Either way no matter which route you take, your twenties really are the time to screw it all up

I so miss this era of my life! 🙂

The only responsibility was to go to work and pay whatever bills I had. So, if you're going to screw up do it before you have a spouse and kids and a mortgage. The 20s are a true learning experience. It's when you find yourself and discover things you've never been exposed to before.

Posted by djbuck1
Overbearing. Hmm. I prefer, "highly dysfunctional," especially Mommy Dearest. By the time I was 18 they couldn't be overbearing because even if they had tried, it would have been received by me in icy silence.

Pisces.

I suppose since you were already out of the house it made this a lot easier.

Having been financially dependent when I was living there I couldn't afford to just ignore or do it my own way unless I wanted to become completely independent and pay all of my bills on my own with minimal to no help. That really scared me, and still does. The main scare being car payments. While I've been living in another country I haven't needed a car so I've manage to dodge learning how to do that. That is the main thing I will be working towards being okay with doing...

Just find a good USED car with cheap payments.

Posted by truecap

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by truecap
And that wasn't directed at anyone in particular or you, OP. Your situation is a little different.

No offense taken.

Part of the reason why I wanted to get out there in the first place was to get away from the overbearing rules. My scorpio dad tends to be a pain with that. Both him and my taurus mom were very against me leaving the country to work and live on my own...almost to the point of delaying my trip. Finally they gave in and let me go. It was really hard on them. I could see that in the way they changed after I had left. I have other younger sisters, but I am the oldest so I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

Being a sag I feel that overbearing-ness from them pretty strongly. Made me even more ready to go.

I was just thinking about this. I think the parents of my generation were more controlling and had more rules than my generation as parents. We're cooler and more accepting, like we are more friends with our kids and perhaps the incentive isn't there for kids to move out on their own. We make it too easy on them to be at home. Perhaps we are doing a disserve to them by being more carefree?

click to expand

I think the disservice would be in not helping them make the next steps to become an independent adult. Like the article talked about, I think it's healthy when parents encourage children to want to get out there and grow up. Even if it means providing them with some financial stability until they can be completely independent.

In my opinion living with the family is normal. We don't put our older members into homes when they get old. They continue living in their own house until death, and the rest of the family takes care of them.

It's really hard when my parents let me live for free, cook meals, and do all the laundry at once. It's like they do everything so I don't leave.

I could continue living in the grace of the rest of my family, or venture out on my own with nothing. I fear the idea of nothing.

I have no mate, nor do I really know how to obtain the right woman at this point in my life and I'm 25.

I'll probably just take care of my folks until death and probably die alone, which isn't a big deal.

Posted by tiziani
Nothing wrong with it as long as you have a plan and it's the path to TRUE emotional independence from everyone.

Some people I know who moved out too early, yeah they have all the appearances of being an independent person but truthfully they lack how to build fully formed relationships and end up hopelessly clinging onto strangers.

Either way no matter which route you take, your twenties really are the time to screw it all up

Yes, definitely this. Was thinking about this today. I'd like to receive help from people, but not become dependent. Like a teach a man to fish type deal.

Posted by truecap
Just find a good USED car with cheap payments.

Yeah I think a used car would be best. I'll have to ask about how to make payments. I am very VERY green about this :/ My boyfriend said he'd help guide me through it tho. He does this sort of thing for a living so he loves that I'm asking him.

Posted by Soul
In my opinion living with the family is normal. We don't put our older members into homes when they get old. They continue living in their own house until death, and the rest of the family takes care of them.

It's really hard when my parents let me live for free, cook meals, and do all the laundry at once. It's like they do everything so I don't leave.

I could continue living in the grace of the rest of my family, or venture out on my own with nothing. I fear the idea of nothing.

I have no mate, nor do I really know how to obtain the right woman at this point in my life and I'm 25.

I'll probably just take care of my folks until death and probably die alone, which isn't a big deal.

I've heard of certain cultures being accustomed to this idea.

And yes it's hard getting out there when you have your family giving you all you need....makes you just want to stay put.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by tiziani
Nothing wrong with it as long as you have a plan and it's the path to TRUE emotional independence from everyone.

Yes, definitely this. Was thinking about this today. I'd like to receive help from people, but not become dependent. Like a teach a man to fish type deal.

I hear that, definitely. For me it was definitely the best choice (at the time) to go back home and find that

click to expand

Yeah...my parents just don't feel the need to teach so I'm having to learn elsewhere. My father has allowed my mom to become dependent on him to the point where I don't think she could survive if he died. So he seems to think he can do the same with us and just keep us in the dark about practical stuff.

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by Soul
In my opinion living with the family is normal. We don't put our older members into homes when they get old. They continue living in their own house until death, and the rest of the family takes care of them.

It's really hard when my parents let me live for free, cook meals, and do all the laundry at once. It's like they do everything so I don't leave.

I could continue living in the grace of the rest of my family, or venture out on my own with nothing. I fear the idea of nothing.

I have no mate, nor do I really know how to obtain the right woman at this point in my life and I'm 25.

I'll probably just take care of my folks until death and probably die alone, which isn't a big deal.

I've heard of certain cultures being accustomed to this idea.

And yes it's hard getting out there when you have your family giving you all you need....makes you just want to stay put.

click to expand

Exactly. I could move out, but I feel they've done a lot for me, and I feel the need to give them care as their lives come to an end.

I do have a job, so I should be fine on my own if and when the time comes.

I think, for the most part, that if you're done with schooling then you should at least be taking steps to move out. By mid 20's, most are done with school. However, it's really hard to get a job anymore and if you're struggling, then I would not fault anyone for living with their parents as long as they're attempting to find a solution. I know a few people who never went to college and are not working towards moving out. At that point, I think parents should step up and force their child to become independent. I have no doubt that a good portion of those I know who aren't planning ahead will live with their parents as long as they can.

@Soul- At least you have a job so you can take care of yourself when the times comes.

@Scenic- Funny I think most of us at college all had this idea in our heads that we would be working our dream careers or at least working towards it after college. I think the ones that were ready were the ones who's parents helped guide them in the right direction so they could clearly see next step.

Then you have people like me who has virtually no one giving guidance. I sort of just fell into the job I've been working in for the past year. Now who knows what I'll be doing..

I keep getting images of the movie Failure to Launch. 🙂

Posted by happykitsune
@Soul- At least you have a job so you can take care of yourself when the times comes.

@Scenic- Funny I think most of us at college all had this idea in our heads that we would be working our dream careers or at least working towards it after college. I think the ones that were ready were the ones who's parents helped guide them in the right direction so they could clearly see next step.

Then you have people like me who has virtually no one giving guidance. I sort of just fell into the job I've been working in for the past year. Now who knows what I'll be doing..

Is there another adult out there who can mentor you? Seems like you're really wanting that.

@truecap- possibly. Guess I will have to do some searching