Sex and Dating...

I have been browsing some online dating site recently and am seeing a similar sentence in sooooo many profiles that I have to ask the folks here on dxp what this sentence means to them.

"Not looking for sex so please do not contact me if that is all you are looking for."

I have run across this comment before. The reason given for this line is that apparently lots of people (guys) seem to think that dating sites are for trolling for sex.

Of course, there are some people who really don't want a physical relationship, but it was my take on the matter that my first comment was the real reason.

I don't know why people bother specifying, because surely if someone is going to predate you on an online site for sex a) they aren't going to be honest about it and b) people will tell you what they think you want to hear to get ya pants off! lol

I have a friend who does online dating on a prominent site. She said that not only did she get a bunch of guys who just wanted sex, but one actually said that he wanted to meet over his lunch break to have sex and he wasn't joking...and that's what his first words to her were when he responded to her profile. Sad.

They don't want to be a pump and dump statistic.

Wow, okay.

I was wondering if that many people were just anti sex or something. When I read it I always have thoughts like "well of course sex isn't ALL I want, I don't even know you". I didn't realize it was so bad. Of course, I am coming out of a relationship in which physical touch was virtually off limits and sex was a lot less frequent than I would like. I am an affectionate person and this relationship made me feel like I am a sex fiend or something. Then I started thinking back to past relationships and felt better cause no other woman has had issue with how I am and I have actually had trouble matching someone else's sex drive. Just seeing this comment over and over made me wonder again.

I have put that in my profiles, before. It seems pretty much useless, because a lot of the people who seem to want something shallow, or sex, don't even bother looking at your profile. They go from looking at your icon/picture straight to messaging. It makes sense, because I doubt someone looking for a hook up even cares about your likes, dislikes, etc, but I still have a habit of doing it. Well, not anymore, considering I've stopped online stuff. I really didn't take it very seriously to begin with. Anyway, the whole sex thing is definitely cause for concern, considering so many people on dating sites are only interested in such, which could possibly lead to (usually temporary) harrassment or going on a date with someone who tries to take advantage of you, whether forcefully or just in a 'well, this ruined my day' kind of way. Also, it's just plain annoying. Trying to weed out the people who actually want a relationship v. those who don't. This should be obvious, but I'd like to point out that this happens with guys, too, not just girls. Girls messaging them only interested in sex, etc, I mean

Posted by ninjafish
I don't understand. Aren't there sex hookup sites that the rabidly horny weirdos who *solely* want sex can go to? Why do they troll the relationship ones?

Really? Where? 😛

You know what I would really like is a site for friends or activities. I know meetup.com exists but there iwnt a lot of activity around here. I guess there is a downside to leaving the big cities for the country. I am going to see a band Friday with a lady I been talking to.

Sort of along the lines of this thread... A friend of mine likes to go out to the bar and she is a very attractive woman. When she does her make up and gets dressed to go out she is down right gorgeous. Then she will complain that guys hit on her and "want more" than to sit at the bar and talk. Not all of them are asking to take her to their car in the parking lot but I'm sure some are that crude. I guess the part that I find ironic is that she says she dresses that way because it makes her feel good and that she does it for herself not them. I call bullshit on that line of thinking because the reason it makes her feel good is because other peole take notice, male and female. If she got dressed up the same way and instead of compliments and jealous looks she got negative reactions and responses I bet there would be a change.

Posted by ninjafish
Aren't there? Lol. I've never investigated tbh but surely there must be? Or are all the members just men? There are women out there into that kind of no strings stuff too.

I'm sure there are sites like that, it is probably all men though. I'd imagine they are just taking money from horny lonely guys. If a woman wants an nsa quickie all she gotta do is go outside, walk up to a guy, gently grab his crotch and rub a little and say "give this to me now"... she don't need the internet.

I used to be on one of those sites. The pictures I posted were of conservative dress (read capricorn, lol!) and I didn't have my girls all hanging out or anything like that. I would still get messages like "nice tits". I'm thinking, Really?!?! Like I'm going to respond to that! Then again, I was curious to how many women actually responded to that! I should have messaged back and asked him - but I didn't want to encourage him. lol! Wish I would have paid attention to what his sign was.

I had pretty decent luck though. Talked to one really nice Taurus via e-mail and phone, but we never met up. I also met my Aqua on that site. Well, we kinda already knew who each other was. I don't think neither of us were on that site very long before we started dating and took our profiles down.

Here's one concern though:
I read lots of profiles with statements like that and actually, it made me where I didn't want to contact the person. To me it read "I've been on this site a long time and I still haven't found anyone". And, it made me feel like they were bitter, skeptical, pessimistic and had bad attitudes. Like the fun and freshness was just depleted from them (from the losers and users). I understand why they put it on there, but it made me feel bad for them.

If you guys want a man's perspective on this, one guy said to me 'Yeah, you girls get perverts trying to talk to you while the men get older women who are looking to for me to help pay for child support', or something along those lines.

I've never been on any social networking site, not even facebook, that didn't have perverted guys looking for sex. On dating sites, though, it's especially bad. But once again, as I've said, it's not just men who do this. Women do it, too.

The women are looking for someone to pay the bills. You're right, guys have it bad too.

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by ninjafish
I don't understand. Aren't there sex hookup sites that the rabidly horny weirdos who *solely* want sex can go to? Why do they troll the relationship ones?

Really? Where? 😛

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Grindr

It's an app, that detects nearby people who want sex at that moment.

Posted by msmarilynmanson
now dont get me wrong, i am not dissing hookers or ladies of the night. do your thing girl. but, if you are a man and you want an hour long lunch session with a stanger, then man up and pay for it.

LOL yesss

I think because people are always propositioning others on line for sex and it get tiring....but i dont think id put it on my profile, it just seems a bit defensive.

You make a good point Nicro. It is a double edged sword.

I got approached by men much older than me and some that were too young for me, but I always did respond and tell them that I appreciated their interest, and I didn't want to offend them, but I was really looking for someone in my own age bracket.

I did respond to people that appeared sincere and would be honest if I thought we didn't have enough in common.

But I don't see anything wrong of checking someones profile and not initiating contact. Just because you look at profiles you're not obligated to contact them. I didn't contact because I didn't fit what they were looking for or they didn't fit what I was looking for.

Again, I got very, very lucky and found someone I vaguely knew from my hometown, so maybe my experience is different.

I completely agree with you but when you hardly hear anything from the first 100 women who checked out your profile, there's seriously something wrong (and remember that these sites allow you to view the main profile photo before clicking). And I'm not the only man to have experienced this.

In an ideal world, some of these women would send a PM - if not out of curiosity then to ask a question or to clarify something about the man's profile. I mean, what's the risk? Furthermore, there are blocking options to rely on if need be. But, no, nothing. Such experiences give further weight to the fact that women are very quick to judge and condemn a man for whatever reason they choose.

When I was actively perusing the online site I was using, I was constantly checking out profiles.
But the site I was using only had a thumbnail pic on search results, so I guess that doesn't compare to your site.
In only a handful of cases did I contact someone (I kept my profile hidden).
The profiles are there to look at.
It's sort of like people-watching.
One day you'll learn to not take this thing personally, or seriously.

What's the risk of contacting someone you aren't interested in?
Is that a serious question?

having ethnic preferences but refusing to admit that it equates to racism

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Dating is not like riding a bus.
All comers are not welcome.
You can't force an attraction that isn't there.

Okay, let me get this straight.
If a woman looks at your profile, but doesn't contact you, she is being rude?
Or is this after contact has been made?
I don't know how long you've been on the online "dating", but this is par for the course.
It's the way it goes.
You have way more expectations of people than they are willing to fulfill for you.
Therefore disappointment is the result.

You are only looking for select women anyway, but you'll have to sift through hundreds of others to get to those few select women.
(If they are even putting themselves online anyway.)
When you find the ones who are not rude, you can rejoice, you've got a potentiality going.

I said why not contact someone whose profile looks promising but you are a little unsure about.
How do you know what going on in that person's mind?
If they are not interested enough to make contact . . .
Don't you know how many others are available at the next click . . .

A lot of people end up getting disgusted at online "dating" after awhile.

I said why not contact someone whose profile looks promising but you are a little unsure about.

Do you have an invitation in your profile such as:

"If there is something here in my profile you are unsure about, or curious about, do not be afraid to contact me.
I would love to start a conversation with you!"

Oh they will have sex. Not without title. Not looking for the walk of shame or a fling.

As to dating sites I am pretty well clueless. Never felt the urge to sign up. But hey, I have heard of lasting things coming from them. Though it is like spotting a unicorn. Good luck to you sir.

Posted by LibraSid
Wow, okay.

I was wondering if that many people were just anti sex or something. When I read it I always have thoughts like "well of course sex isn't ALL I want, I don't even know you". I didn't realize it was so bad. Of course, I am coming out of a relationship in which physical touch was virtually off limits and sex was a lot less frequent than I would like. I am an affectionate person and this relationship made me feel like I am a sex fiend or something. Then I started thinking back to past relationships and felt better cause no other woman has had issue with how I am and I have actually had trouble matching someone else's sex drive. Just seeing this comment over and over made me wonder again.

*pets LS*

Aw, so naive. :p

But yes, it is that craptastic out there. The dating pool is in some serious need of chlorine.

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by ninjafish
I don't understand. Aren't there sex hookup sites that the rabidly horny weirdos who *solely* want sex can go to? Why do they troll the relationship ones?

Really? Where? 😛

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Dunno if it still exists, but ashley madison was a site I kept hearing about for hook ups only. Some radio station kept playing the ad and it was kinda funny how they tried to sell it. Basically openly admitted to those in serious relationships that this site was a go to for cheating and casual encounters.

Nico, are you on a paying site or a free one?

My daughter worked for an agency that you had to pay to be on it. The cliental that were attracted to this site were genuinely interested in finding a suitable partner of both sexes. Not so many time wasters or predators looking for sex...obviously some with more money could be likely to use these sites but fees were quite high.

There are free sites out there and then there are sites in which the male pays and the females are free so that the male come in because there are plenty of gorgeous woman there. I have personally been on free sites just browsing at what is available and looked up profiles. Some of them you can send winks to and if they respond, for you to have further contact you then have to dig out the credit card...Never done it.

All in all most of these sites are cons...and they are preying on a lot of lonely people for monetary gain. Yes you will experience a lot of time wasters, observers and people that don't have the same values as you looking into it...but wouldn't you expect that?? Just like in the real world everyone has their own set of values and not all will be considerate of others.

A woman on one of these sites will get easily up to 100 winks, kisses or messages depending on how she looks and from my own experience it looks like most of these guys will send this without viewing her profile and finding out ie: are you what she has stated she is looking for?

Posted by Nicrobliz

Posted by truecap

But I don't see anything wrong of checking someones profile and not initiating contact. Just because you look at profiles you're not obligated to contact them. I didn't contact because I didn't fit what they were looking for or they didn't fit what I was looking for.

I completely agree with you but when you hardly hear anything from the first 100 women who checked out your profile, there's seriously something wrong (and remember that these sites allow you to view the main profile photo before clicking). And I'm not the only man to have experienced this.

In an ideal world, some of these women would send a PM - if not out of curiosity then to ask a question or to clarify something about the man's profile. I mean, what's the risk? Furthermore, there are blocking options to rely on if need be. But, no, nothing. Such experiences give further weight to the fact that women are very quick to judge and condemn a man for whatever reason they choose.

Also, it's very convenient for people (especially women) to take the answered profile options, of certain sections, on face value when not everything's black and white. For example, I could choose 'looking for a serious relationship' instead of 'I just want to date' when, in fact I want to do both (as it really depends on the person I meet). However choosing either option usually 'puts off' a certain percentage of potential female candidates desiring the other option! Once again, with the right mindset, this could be overcome but I believe men are more likely to resolve such grey areas than women.

Lastly, men still have to initiate contact MOST of the time (99% of which is usually fruitless), even though (theoretically) such sites provide a level playing field for both genders...

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Well, in the real world, most women let the man make first contact. Why should it be so different in the on-line world? Of course, I may be of a different generation with a more traditional attitude....

One thing I did notice was on some sites, you can sign up for free, create your profile, but you couldn't read or send messages unless you pay. And if you didn't pay, quit paying or didn't come back and didn't delete your profile, they just kept these "inactive profiles" up for view because it looked like there were more people (options) using the site. Then there are "fake" profiles to look like lots of good looking people were using the site. Thus, that could be the reason for no response on a lot of contact initiations - because the person wasn't active.

^^^ This is true, it was with the site my daughter worked on. Fake woman profiles to attract more paying customers. You would seriously be shocked at what someone is willing to pay. Some easily spent $ 3000 and then there were others that paid $ 6000 up front!!!

^^^ Dang!! You'd have to be serious about it to pay that kind of money. Or want to find someone with a lot of wealth or of equal wealth to you.

There are business men that work a lot and don't get out much, men that work in the mines over here in Auss. They work 3 weeks on 1 week off and are stuck in the outback. But surprisingly there are younger guys too...and guys that are very quiet and too shy to go out.

It surprised me how much people paid to be on these sites, of course there were monthly payments instead of paying all up but they also got for their money hand picked introductions and profile matching. They couldn't go online and just browse like most dating sites.

Posted by Nicrobliz

Posted by truecap
One thing I did notice was on some sites, you can sign up for free, create your profile, but you couldn't read or send messages unless you pay. And if you didn't pay, quit paying or didn't come back and didn't delete your profile, they just kept these "inactive profiles" up for view because it looked like there were more people (options) using the site. Then there are "fake" profiles to look like lots of good looking people were using the site. Thus, that could be the reason for no response on a lot of contact initiations - because the person wasn't active.

And that conveniently ties everything up, right? It's not women who are rude. Oh no, we can't have that! They're all just fake accounts... Pfff!

I think you forget to realise that some people do have common sense and can detect such bullshit from a mile away (i.e. rouge websites). For your information, one of the sites I joined was the dating site for Time Out and I did actually meet a couple of the women on there.

Women telling each other what they want to hear. Typical...

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That goes for men and women on the inactive profiles! There truly are a LOT of inactive profiles still up. I apologize if you think I didn't support or hear your opinions. I'm absolutely sure there are lots of rude women out there who are shallow or looking for a meal ticket. I get that. I know it's not just me, so I didn't take it personal. Just because I didn't mention them, doesn't mean I wasn't interested in them. And for the record, I didn't stay on the site for very long. I paid my three months and was out of there.

^^ oh, I meant just because I didn't mention your opinions, doesn't mean I didn't understand them. I only wanted to offer up another possibility, of which I know is true (on the inactive profiles).