Texts and Ex's

My relationship of 1 and a half years ended 3 months ago. Been dealing with it, no contact for most of it, it was hard had ups and down times but managed to process a lot in my own head and finally deleted all contact numbers and all texts on Saturday as I felt strong enough that I had processed most of the demise.

Saturday night while trying to sync my mobile into my Apple Mac so I could transfer the music and movies that were stored onto my phone I ended syncing my ex's phone to mine and the result was that I received all his texts from a 6 month period.

I scrolled through and read any female texts, never thought he had cheated, didn't think that was a problem in our relationship but found he had kept in contact with a few girls or rather from what I could see they would text him every now and then to keep in contact with him and check whether he was single or not. He also met up with an ex one Sunday, he had texted her if she was home and when she replied he went straight over. Now I don't really care anymore what went on there...nothing I can do about it now but it does pose some questions with the way everything is these days and how easy it is to cheat if that is the type of person you are.

It just seems to be common for people to keep in touch with exs and old flings while still in a relationship with someone else and when that relationship is not as rosy as in the beginning it's easy to fall on someone else. It scares me for the next person I meet. It never occurred to me this guy was anything but faithful and now seeing it with my own eyes, there is doubt. He had a lock on his phone but I don't want to go into the next relationship with suspicious eyes.

How do you get past this now insecure feeling. It just seems so common!

The erosion of trust is not easy to deal with, I really hope you find some peace of mind soon...
It eats away, and eats away, the most awful feeling.
It is very possible it will affect you in future relationships...
Perhaps some counselling? I don't know, coming to terms with it is essential to move on, but how? Best of luck x

I know! I'm dis-heartened now and don't want to have this over me when I next meet someone. I'm also a very Jealous person but I never felt like this with this guy because I just simple never thought he would entertain it. I do the "have you cheated before" question when first meeting a guy and before getting involved but you don't know them very well so it's gut instinct or trusting a stranger..

Ugh, I really understand how you feel.
I hope you work it out.
It's always a little bit of a gamble, a little risk... But getting burned, even in hindsight, tends to take the joy out of the adventure.
That is what I resent the most, not the cheating or the past behaviour. But the fact that my outlook on the future is ruined!
It's a simple choice in the end. Do we allow that negativity to dictate our lives or make a truly conscious effort to put it behind us... SO difficult.

Posted by CluelessCancer
wow, i can't even help you there, i'm so paranoid and distrustful, virgo tells me he's at the store and i immediately think whose he fucking..

exactly technology has made it way too easy and not only that but people just don't care about the sacredness of relationships anymore.

I love your cynisicms, they always make me smile for the day.
But you know, you do have an awful lot of faith in relationships, I know you do! =)
If you believe they are sacred, then you can manifest that! You just gotta have a bit more faith in yourself.
You come across as an awfully strong person on here, I can't imagine you will be waiting too much longer for your Prince!
You know, I've always waited for my knight in shining armour to come along.... Turns out he was just some dick head wrapped in tin foil on a bmx the whole time.

Just to clarify, I thought this was a relationship that had ended?
She is referring to trust issues that have arisen based on behaviour he exhibited prior to but she has only just found out about.
She has moved on but now needs to tackle the residual feelings these discoveries have brought up...?
I didn't get the impression she was trying to reestablish or create new ground rules in an existing partnership.
Or am I off here? I'm confused now =\

Unless, I have children with the ex...I don't maintain contact. Each person is different and some people can maintain contact and that's all it is...birthdays possibly, FB these days but I have to be completely comfortable with trusting that person. If they have cheated on previous relationships...I won't risk my heart there...

Really got to take each person that comes along and weigh it all up then...

I'm just scared that my intuition and alarm bells weren't on cue with this one...maybe with his ex cheating on him...I should have questioned. Was she the only one that cheated?

Posted by tiziani
I think djbuck was more referring to her question about how to prevent it from impacting on future relationships.

Even though I don't want to speak on his behalf, especially not mistakenly, but I understood it in terms of learning from the past to set new precedent for the present/future with any new relationship.

Cheers Tiz.

Well sweet, doubting yourself is a horrible place to be.
I've been there, it can be a long healing process...

@ Wagtail, Tiz explaination is correct.

@DJB, in hindsight...not having full closure was easier but I'm glad it happened when it happened because I was already over it and it only took me out again for another day. I'm keeping it moving as I was before this came to light.

I intend to be a lot more cautious next time around and take things very slowly AND listen to my gut instinct...especially this...OH and MY DOG, he always growled at him when he came over and he never ever growls at anyone!!!!

No, my boy licks everyone but this guy he growled all the time, even sometimes when he was living with us he was growled at when he came home!

I think I'm past the worst now 🙂 Done and dusted with that one and ready to move forward!

Sweethearts, I think you need to just hold your breath and hope for the best. We all go in hoping for the best, we never expect someone who is supposed to care for us to go down that path. You say it doesn't matter now and there is nothing you can do about it which is true. The same goes for if you are in a relationship - you cannot control others behaviors, only your own. I've been through some doozies, and really putting your insecurities aside based on past experiences (and knowledge) is the only thing you can do. If you don't, you can never love again...

I understand that, it just took me so long to allow myself to be loved again after my marriage split. 5 Years, and I totally thought this one was trustworthy. I totally trusted him with my everything, my kids were blown away that I bought a man into our home and then defended him and the boundaries when he moved in. Being in a house of girls, trust me there were some issues.

I'm glad though that it unfolded once I had already processed the demise of the relationship.

I think I'll be ok next time around, but I am also naturally suspicious that will be the problem!

Posted by Metoo
I have a burning question...you know...for basic research...how were u able to able to sync your phone with his? Never ever knew that was possible...LOL 😉

+1 😄

In November my daughter sync his iPhone to my apple mac to get the music to play at a dinner we were having. The other night I was trying to sync my htc to my computer, not through iTunes but through another I had downloaded. Apple's are brilliant but they aren't compatible with a lot of programs etc. And I've been trying for a while to get the music from my phone onto my computer. Anyway, question came up sync to and there were 3 options...his phone, my daughters phone and a friends. Thought I'd give it a go to see if it worked and I choose his. Didn't think much of it, it froze at 40% so I unplugged. Couldn't understand for 3 days why above my messages it said 99+ because I didn't have unread messages. It wasn't until I scrolled past all off my messages that I found all his. Everything in date order and it had registered his texts from July to November last year.

So don't sync your iPhone's to anyone else's computer. Nothing appears on my computer at all but it's held in the memory probably in iTunes, not sure still don't really understand it..

Posted by Nicrobliz

Posted by sweethearts
I do the "have you cheated before" question when first meeting a guy and before getting involved but you don't know them very well so it's gut instinct or trusting a stranger..

And what good is that?!

There are some who have cheated and then learnt their lesson, while there are others who haven't. There are also some who have never cheated but may have the potential to do so, given the ideal circumstances. And then there are those who find lying and deceiving relatively easy.

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your ex but many women fail to use simple reasoning and logic to avoid such pitfalls. No, there's nothing 100% foolproof but it's a lot better than the short-sighted strategy you mentioned above.

click to expand

Quite simply, if they have in previous relationships there is a higher chance that they will again. I'd ask for further information about it, before making any decision on it but it would factor in whether I proceed with this relationship. I do believe that 90% of cheaters remain that way. And tbh, I'm not

willing to risk my heart to one. It's too precious!

Posted by djbuck1

...people often spend so much time dissecting the relationship that has ended (dwelling on and trying to understand the hurt) that they do not commit to what they will do differently in the future.

Too often, I see people asking "Why, why, why?"

Um, I think you know "why." Now. What can we do...

+1

If he had his phone locked, then how could you retrieve his messages? I'm not technically savy enough to figure this one out on my own, but, I do get that to be locked means it can't be opened without a password. So, how can a person just randomly, accidently get into this phone?

You scrolling through the messages was a deliberate action, and I would almost be inclined to believe that you were looking for something.

A person who seeks can find, because the mind can trick you into believing you are seeing exactly what you are expecting to see ... because the facts are provided inside of this paranoia. He visited an ex, and that doesn't mean he cheated.

this thread is about your fear of the future when it comes to deciding a man is loyal, because if you missed it with this guy, then how accurate is your detection in men ... I get what is the issue here ... what I believe you aren't getting is that you have no FACTS to base this on and you are relying solely on suspicion.

That's very un-Libra-like .... people talk to their exes all the time, for him to do that isn't conclusive.

I get the problem here you are having .... but, I believe you have twisted your own mind. I'm not sure why though. You stated that you've gotten over this guy, that you participated with your own reasoning, to purge this guy from you ... and then you turn around and make an assumption based on paranoia?

That seems so unlike you, sweethearts ..... what is REALLY the matter?

Posted by Nicrobliz

Posted by sweethearts

Posted by Nicrobliz

Posted by sweethearts
I do the "have you cheated before" question when first meeting a guy and before getting involved but you don't know them very well so it's gut instinct or trusting a stranger..

And what good is that?!

There are some who have cheated and then learnt their lesson, while there are others who haven't. There are also some who have never cheated but may have the potential to do so, given the ideal circumstances. And then there are those who find lying and deceiving relatively easy.

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your ex but many women fail to use simple reasoning and logic to avoid such pitfalls. No, there's nothing 100% foolproof but it's a lot better than the short-sighted strategy you mentioned above.

Quite simply, if they have in previous relationships there is a higher chance that they will again. I'd ask for further information about it, before making any decision on it but it would factor in whether I proceed with this relationship. I do believe that 90% of cheaters remain that way. And tbh, I'm not

willing to risk my heart to one. It's too precious!

And you're deluding yourself...

click to expand

how am I deluding myself, It's my heart and too precious to risk it to people that have fucked up previous relationships because they have no boundaries!!

Do you know for a FACT that he did that?

or, are you speculating it happened?

the problem I see here is that people tend to find a reason, to find a culprit ... so that they are able to justify. And it looks alittle like you are wanting to find justification, rather than truth.

There could be a number of reasons why a person would interact with an ex, other than to have sex. I interact with ex-people all the time ... the only thing it means is that some people are better friends than lovers.