Ramblings,,,

DICLAIMER - Ramblings....none of this may ever make sense....

Coming bk to DXP after a long time...but it had to happen sometime or the other as my patience with myself has reached a tipping low as i write this(it keeps fluctuating like a roller coaster one moment absolute low and then the resurrection starts only to hit rock bottom again) and i have come bk for food for thought.

Just struck me ....The Saggi forum has the fewest threads, cud be because we seek answers instead of giving em most of the time!

Before i wander off to some other direction in my mind...i am not sure if its a zodiac thing(no two ppl are alike)...but are u guys goin thru a tough time as well?
Now i know everyone has bad days, but how long does it have to be for bad to be really bad?Which brings me to another thought...are saggis really optimist all the time?

My confidence is at the lowest ebb, i have questions more Q's but no answers...i have a 'expected/perceived' image of myself(of perfect ideals) and then there is the me which is weak and mortal and makes the same mistakes everytime.

I have a lack of emotion to 99% of beings and things (nothing can hold my attention for too long) but yet that 1% holds on to ppl(that spcl one)... for dear life...think its compulsive obsessed behavior!
Why?

One one hand i avoid too many ppl(someone said saggis independent?)...on the other i have a feeling that deep down we are all alone and hence the need to hold on.
I have zero patience, i worry a lot, get anxious to prove a point quickly so much so that i screw my own chances by overtrying...

Where is the balance? and What is this phenomenon of inner peace that eludes me all the time? I am too restless to sit at one place and meditate(i m still adamant that its the soln for all my probs)...yet i am at peace when i have given up completely (which rarely happens for too long)...wud i ever get peace with myself?

I have realized one thing...if i stay in the present without thinking of the future(very rarely does that happen)...i am so involved in what i do that its pure bliss...but as i said rarely! 🙂

Whats this obsesion with the future and theorizing every possible thing philosophically abt the future?
Its a great skill...but sometimes it stops me from doing things without a care and think about every step i take zillions of times.

One more thing...

When i dun care for something to 'work' in my favour...it usually works, coming as a pleasant surprise...

however when i 'want' something to work, or 'care' for something to work...it slips like an eel...

Arent the two mutually exclusive then?....its hard not to expect that 1% !

and the scary part....
Deep down i know whats right...or have a vague idea of it...but i dun have the courage to follow it...
And when i have gone against my intuition/instinct/logic...and tried my hardest and still failed...the realization comes...but the acceptance doesnt...

Just came to my mind...

I can talk on anything as long as that thing doesnt mean a thing to me....the words never come out when its abt something or someone close...

does it happen with u guys as well?

not with me as i care deeply for the person I like/loce....

chicane... the gipsy music might be in your bloos but move on... to next level that is...down by river deep.... when love just waits for you and you seem to miss it's pulses..... aimed


it never is easy!

No...not really.
For a few reasons:
-Fear of being open emotionally and afraid of ppl not understanding it

-i like to believe i can sort my problems or issues on my own...even if i am doing a shoddy job of it!...maybe an ego thing then

-It also a question of trust....again there are two levels of trust here..
When it comes to trusting ppl on day to day tasks...i do it blindly and acc. to ppl naively!
But when it comes trusting someone with my emotions...very rarely...

i listen to ppl talk abt their issues, sometimes if my gut says so i also provoke them to share things out just to make them feel lighter...they might hate me for it but i guess it helps...
But not the other way round! not till now atleast...

When was the last time u tried on something abs whacky and crazy and not hold urself bk?

When was the last time u faced one of ur fears head on?