Priorities...

I know most of you guys who post are in college so your outlook maybe a little limited at the momemt (your input is still requested) But to some of the older more experienced DXPers do you feel as though your priorities are in order?

I respect your outlook EG and I do get the picture. However I guess my thoughts were a little more complex...Us Scorps sometimes always have to make things difficult.

I'm in a weird place right now at the moment. I would like to have a child but then again I am afraid...It's like I feel like I am getting older now. What's next?

You know?

I'm afraid NOT to have a child. But I'm not in a relationship...my issues are almost consuming me at the moment. Which is why I decided to seek therapy. I mean I'm not depressed I just have lots of issues floating around in my head at the moment and it's just not good.

I love someone but he has a child. Said he doesn't want another one but then told me if I wanted one we could go ahead but he's scared of a relationship! Like I said "Lots of Issues" at the moment 🙂

How old are you Karima,

I had my son at 25, and I hope people don't take what I am about to say the wrong way but if I had to do it again I would not. But at the same time I am glad/gratefull and blessed that I have a child, because I know I done what GOD intended me to do as a women, he came out very healthy and cute. The night his father said let's have a baby, I got pregnant. I was in love did not know what I was getting into my Mother said it was not easy, but I was IN LOVE....

I never married his father, we seperated a year after he was born, and I never had another child never wanted another one. It is really hard to raise a child alone, and it it very expensive, that was in 1986, I think to raise a child it was roughly about 18,000 it is know 2007, I think the cost went up bit.

My on suggestion to you is to make sure your finances are in order, because you have to put out for: Baby sitter, Daycare, Clothes, healthcare, fun, misc.


So once I had my son, my priorities were all base around him, he came frist, I came last. He is 20 and he still thinks I am supposed to put him first. (LOL)

"I love someone but he has a child. Said he doesn't want another one but then told me if I wanted one we could go ahead but he's scared of a relationship! Like I said "Lots of Issues" at the moment "

I only date men who have children and don't want anymore....so I can feel that comment.

For me, I look at like my son is 20, I am 45, it is time for me to live my life.

Raising a child is like an Institution, you are in it for 18 years whether you like it or not and even when the child it grown they still are there. It is a lifelong attachment.

I tell my son all the time I am cutting the cord completely off. I want him to move out so he can experience life.

My priorities at this moment in time is to get my finances in order..I have been pretty slack of late and they have spiralled out of control...

My own doing..I could slap myself for being so complacent..

SL: I am 28...I don't know what the hell is going on with me. Maybe it's because my friends are all married with children and even some aren't married have children. I feel like if i wait to long time may run out. I know it is damn hard work but I figure if the father is supportive and around it wouldn't be so hard. I figure for me to say. I never want a child is selfish...

My finances are not great. Let me tell you-but I am motivated. I work two jobs to support myself. I don't ask anybody for anything. I try and handle everythig on my own. I do want to go back to school but am scared of more debt. Plus I have to work full-time. I can't go back home with my mother. I moved out when I was...21 and haven't looked back. Plus she is about to get married. That wouldn't be fair to her.

Your taking on too much too soon...you need to relax...your stressing yourself out by giving yourself limitations...been there before and it does nothing for your sanity...

You can't just meet someone and have a child..A lady in our office had a kid two years ago and she's 42!...so its never too late...Take your time about meeting the right person and everything else will fall into place..

You'll never find what your looking if you search in desperation...(I am not saying your desperate or anything)..people can detect this a mile off and will run in the opposite direction..

If your friends are having children, let them..if they have boyfriends, so what!..stop comparing yourself to others..the only person your hurting is yourself...If I was to start looking at all my friends around me, I would've killed myself ages ago...Even ones younger than me are married and well settled..I came out of a very long relationship, I could've been married..but why just do it for the sake of doing it...Not me..not how I work..

I too moved out when I was 21 and built my life according to my own set of beliefs etc...and if that means being single by the age of 35..so be it..you can't force these things to happen..they usually do in their own sweet ass time!..

Peace out..

MM 🙂 I know what you are saying. Definitely-and I am not trying to rush. I just think maybe I am missing something since everyone else is moving forward. Maybe not huh?

Desperate? Nah...It is too many diseases out her nowadays! Hell No! I'm talking about my Cancer Honey...nobody new and I'm not looking for anybody new. Although my therapist suggested that I should maybe start. Since she said "You're too mature" too look for guys on the corner. I don't know where the hell she got I was looking for guys on the corner and I said as much but some professional guys are worse than the guys I do like. They have their skeletons like everyone else.

Oh I didn't know you had cancer babes..sorry to hear that...

lmao...I meant the cancer guy..not the cancer disease...sheesh what is with me today!!!!

I am busy thats what it is...lol..

"You'll never find what your looking if you search in desperation...(I am not saying your desperate or anything)..people can detect this a mile off and will run in the opposite direction.."

So true.

Karima,

You are 28, your finances are not that great, you have a man that don't want any children and you are stressing. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. And your thinking about having a baby. Sweetie having a baby really takes a lot of strength, courage, and most of all a clear head. Being stress and having a baby can put the baby in jeopardy

Sweetie your priorities are not in order right know. A child should be the last thing on your mind. Don't be afriad to go to school...I went back to school, 2 years ago, to become a phlebotomist, and I realized my mind is not as sharp and I found it hard to remember some things, that class was very hard for me but I made it through and I am know certified, I am not finish yet. So it is never to late and don't let the debt scare you...that is where you start prioritizing.

Tanya

"Why don't you go to a sperm donor..and age does matter.. the older you are and you plan pregnancy at a later stage of your life. it's not good for the baby, because it increases the chances of the baby being born abnormal"

Chances of a baby being abnormal, can happen to anyone, beit young, old, very healthy etc. When I was in labor, I had to have a c-section because if I went natural, one of us was not going to make it, and I was 25 and healthy. I opt for the c-section, and my son came out only with his feet pointed inward because he was so long, and there was not enought room in my body for him.

MM
You see a Therapyist, Why?

SL: "MM
You see a Therapyist, Why?"

Me see a therapist...that will be the day I die!!!...noooooooo way honey..I don't do shit like that..I AM THERAPY!

you got the wrong lady my dearest...how are u anyway

What? *shakes head*

SL: I see a therapist! I have a lot of things going on and I needed to talk them out. Also when are your finances ever where you need them to be? Never... He said he didn't want anymore but he also told me he was willing to go ahead and try with me. I'm not pushing the issue because I am not 100% sure yet.

MM 🙂 I am a therapist for my friends that is why they couldn't understand why I needed one-LOL

Also-Cancer? Um...that is one diagnosis I have not received...Good Grief 😉

MM

LMAO.

I am good working my ass off right know....Decided to take little breaks and come on DXP for entertainment purposes only so that I don't stress myself out getting ready for an Audit next month. LOL

Karima

All my friends are married, or have a man, I am the only one that don't have what they have. But what I have that they don't have or limited to is my FREEDOM to come and go, do as I please without question or ridicule.

Ditch the cancer babes..all your problems will be solved....whiny little turds that they are...

😛

Yes I am too a therapist for my people Karima..but I am not that sympathetic with peoples problems as I tend to tell them to buckle up and sort their freakin lives out..LOL..doesn't go down too well but at least I tell the truth..And I treat myself the same!..lol

Ok, me off to beautify myself at the salons..

Mmmwah mmwah..

Ciao bellas

Oh and 😉 @ Scorpionlady

Karima, do you know how many of us would love to change places with you? I have 2 beautiful healthy children and a good job. But I secretly fantasize about what it would be like to be "free". Not that I don't love my children. But THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE! They don't go away. Believe me, I've tried! They stick to me like glue! Do you want to adopt mine? I guarantee, after you spend a day with my kids you won't want children of your own. They ARE birth control!

Seriously honey, you have plenty of time to prioritize. PLENTY! Once you have a baby you can't go back. Enjoy being young and having the freedoms you do. Family will come eventually. Being a mother is not a fad you should follow. It's a gift. And when it does happen you will treasure it that much more because you waited so long. So kick back and enjoy life as it comes at you girl! Keep growing as a strong independent woman. That's a gift in it's self!

Juwanapla-send them on over! I love kids...My friends tell me that all the time! "Come adopt mine"

Maybe I am being silly-I know I am that is why I brought it here to get some more objective opinions. Because my friends I love them but sometime they are no help at all!

I do like my freedom. Very much so. But sometimes I just wish I could add something more. I don't feel like I am contributing much to society...

Thanks for the advice ladies 🙂 I really appreciate it ✨

"I do like my freedom. Very much so. But sometimes I just wish I could add something more..."

Get a cat!

Hey JP what gonna on.

2 childrens, that is nice. how old?

I am not a therapist to my friends, I always ask them do they need to lay on a couch and they look at me strange.

Hi SL! My girl is 13. She is a gorgeous scorpio! And my little ankle biter is 7. He is my pisces prince. I try to over look this handicap! LOL

I wouldn't call myself a therapist to my friends, but the great thing is they can tell me anything (and they do!) because I don't judge. I am the LAST person to judge or ridicule. I am just a big ole' open ear.....gab away!

Karima

Why don't you volunteer somewhere where there are children a daycare or something on the weekends so to that you can see what it is like...A hopsital in the paternity ward that should give you a lot of insight.

"Hi SL! My girl is 13. She is a gorgeous scorpio! And my little ankle biter is 7. He is my pisces prince. I try to over look this handicap! LOL"

ahhhhhh ankle biter have not heard that in years. Oh I remember when my son was those ages....and then they grow up.

That is a handicap that will be with us for the rest of our lives....

emeraldgem

"My decision was to NOT have children. So much so that I decided to have my tubes tied at 30. That's how long I had to wait - no doctor would do it sooner."

I could not get my tied until I was like 35. The doctor keept telling me that I might want more. So I got tired of waiting when to the Doctor and was ademant about not having or wanting another child. I told the doctor I wanted my tubes tied and brunt.

I don't regret getting mines done, because I knew when I was in labor that I did not want to do this EVER again. I choose that because I had a miserable preganancy...my sons father was getting out on me. My sex drive was down to none. and I had to go from Janauary to Sept, winter spring and summer being pregnant.

Hey Roxi how are you doing?

Karima,

You do not need to be having children, atleast not at this point. Your posts seem to show a lack of maturity, in regard to the level of responsiblity, burden, and magnitude of this issue, that signifies that you are NOT in the right place for an undertaking of this level of importance. Merely the fact that you are here is indicative of the fact that, somewhere inside you, you are aware of this fact but do not want to admit it...

You are 28 years old, and that is not that old. You have much life ahead of you, and much time for realizing dreams like this. I, too, am 28, and perhaps can sympathize with your situation. I came to a realization that this point in life can be a precipice for some women... With the coming of 30 can come a great deal of reflection on your life, where you want to be, and what you want out of it. When I was 10, I gave my mother an over-the-hill party when she hit 30 (I thought I was being comically sweet, not so much anymore, haha!). The closer I come to 30, the more I realized it is not that old, but it does signify something very important. That you are no longer "young". That your life is no longer that vague concept that lies before you with a myriad of cool possiblities, but in fact, your life is now... A realization of this, whether conscious or subconscious, can be a driving force for many to live life now, and to want to realize their dreams. But, merely because your life is now, does not mean that there is nothing for later...

Having children is not something that can be a mild interest or desire. It is nothing something you can change your mind about. It is not something that can be done and later left when it is more of an undertaking than you realized. It is a 18+ year commitment of your life and your priorities. There would probably be no time for going back to school. There will be little time for your priorities or desires. If you want to "live life" at any point in the near future (go back to school, travel, find a career, find a true love, anything), then it would probably be prudent to do it before having children...

...continued...

"I never want a child is selfish..."

With the fact that you are not in an appropriate place to think about having children, then the issue of wanting a child begins to look very selfish (which is why I mentioned the lack of maturity). As many have stated, you should be thinking about your child, not yourself...

"My finances are not great."
"I work two jobs to support myself."

How exactly do you forsee being able to support yourself and the added burden of a child if you are currently working two jobs to support just yourself. And, how do you forsee being able to work two jobs with an infant, baby, or toddler? A child is going to be a drain on your energy, making it physically hard to raise it and work a full-time job, much less two jobs. It is a drain on your time making it extremely hard to both raise your child and support it. Though, you could resort to childcare, but then you have added financial strain. And, if you are not going to raise your own child, then what is the point? And, lastly, a child is a huge financial "burden" (for lack of a better word, no offense to the beautiful sweeties).

"I do want to go back to school but am scared of more debt. Plus I have to work full-time."

If you are scared of going back to school because of the potential debt and the fact you have to work fulltime, ummmm, how is it that you see yourself capable of raising a child? In the scheme of things, raising a child would be a far greater task in both cases than going back to school ever could be. Try a little perspective here...

Also, if you do want to go back to school, is it something you are prepared to wait 5 to 10, maybe 15, years to do? Make your choices, choose your priorities... You can go to school now, get your life together, be in a good place to have a child in a few years, or you can have a child right now, and put your life and everything you want on hold for the next 15 years...

"I can't go back home with my mother."

Do you have a support network to depend on when you would need it? If you cannot go back to your mother, who would you have to help you with any unforseen issues that could arise?

...continued...

"I know it is damn hard work but I figure if the father is supportive and around it wouldn't be so hard."

True, but that is a big "if" to count on. The man you are with originally did not want anymore more children, but is willing to change his mind if you do really want them... How do you know he will not change his mind again? Even people in loving, commited, long-term marriages where both individuals are desiring children cannot necessarily count on that fact. Things happen, especially with something as stressful as having a child. Were the two of you intending on getting married prior to your desire to have children? What indications do you have that you could truly count on this man to be there long-term? And, what desire do you have for him to be?

Do not count on someone else to help you raise your child because, as I said, things happen. If you are not capable of raising the child on your own, perhaps you should not have on right now.

I know many people have children without being in the right place. Many women raise children be themselves. Many women work many jobs to support their children and themselves while raising their children. My mother did it, and it is possible. BUT, it is not logical to purposefully choose that life. These are people that have to make due and the do. Not people that consciously, knowingly undertook that burden. I fail to see that anyone wanting the best for their child, would endeavor to have one knowing the risks and burdens of this situation...

"Let me tell you-but I am motivated."

You want a child? Your are motivated? Then motivate yourself to get your life in the place it needs to be to have a child, then have one. Not the other way around...

That is good....I will send you a PM about your treatment affect.

Hooray someone is here...

Aww EG..message I received last night from Scorp..obviously I had gone to bed by this time:

Night and Sweetest of dreams
Wishing you much love, peace and prosperity
XX

::melt::

Right am going for a quick shower..be back in a bit

Karima,

i was in a long term relationship (10 years). we were both young when we got together and never talked about children; we both were unsure about having any. after about 7 years (when my first niece was born) we talked about it, and he wanted to shelve the issue for 2 years and decide then.

at that point i still wasn't sure if i absolutely wanted children so i agreed. i brought it up after about 2 1/2 years and he wanted to defer the issue again. i pushed for clarification and he finally told me that he doesn't want them. i wasn't sure if i wanted them either, but i definitely didn't want the door closed on it.

we didn't break up just over that one issue, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. i have since met someone, who i feel i would love to give a family to. so now i know that i do want children, i just didn't want them with my ex.

i guess what i want to share out of my experience is not to give in to external pressures, or 'deadlines'...i want to find the right person and make sure we are on the same page, working for the same goals and building a life we both want. for me, that is more important than anything. i don't want to get into just any relationship just for the sake of having children.

if i don't end up having the right relationship, i would definitely consider adopting an older child if find myself still single, financially and emotionally able to raise and nurture a child.

First off Let me say Good Morning...

Secondly...I see some people took my words and picked them apart and dissected and psychoanalyzed the hell out of what I was saying.

I work two jobs BY CHOICE! Not because if I don't I'll be out in the street. I make more than enough money on my first job to support me but because of some of my spending habits I believe a second job is much better for me.

My support with my family is fine. For me not to go back home to my mother is a sign of independence NOT that she would not support me in any decisions I have made. We get along just fine and she is a wonderful enough support system.

I can't even be angry at some of the things that were said because bottom line. People are gonna be people. And You don't know me.

I know what caring for a child entails I am not a moron! I understand people change their minds about wanting children also. I haven't set a timeline on myself. I just don't want it to become to late for me to ever have children. People kill me...

Bottom Line is when and if I do decide to have a child it will be my decision and my decision only...

EG-I did get a lot of good input and I thank everyone who gave me their honest opinion and insight. But I don't appreciate some implications I've read.

I'm trying not to be angry because honestly it is just a message board and I don't like my feathers to be ruffled by strangers.

But I don't like my words picked apart either. I didn't ask for a person to pick apart what the hell I said I asked for thoughts on priorities in people's lives.

People love to take what they want out of what you say and "Go Left" I didn't ask for some of these judgmental ass responses. That shows lack of maturity coming from other people.

If time runs out and I can't have kids..I am gonna do an Angelie Jolie

Thank You EG for your compliment it is much appreciated ✨ you are a star in my eyes mama 🙂 But since I am sharing I might as well share this.

After I posed this question yesterday I had a doctor's appt with my neurologist and there was a young woman in the office and she was handicapped. I mean-really handicapped. She had two family members looking after her she was in a wheel chair and she was shaking really badly and it scared me. Because it showed me one side of what bearing a child into this world could be like. Then came some other children came into the office and some were babies and some of the kids were 8, 9, 10 and they were all healthy, quiet and/or doing their homework. It just really shocked me. I mean-I've thought about motherhood consistently for about two years now and my greatest fear was that I could never have children because I have never once in my life been pregnant-No blips on the radar of a missed "monthly" or anything. So it concerned me...

Honestly I have been nauseous/vomiting these last couple of days and I'm a little scared because for the first time in my life...it just may be a little something.

I'm just waiting for the one main signal...

So really that is why the question was brought about.

Yeah there are many orphans I would love to help out..but only want one or two..not going around to each country to adopt a child..muppets!..

Angelina Jolie is really doing her thing. I wonder where she gets the idea to adopt these children in these countries? I mean it is so admirable of her but...Wow! Brad Pitt got sucked right into the madness-LOL

NO EG 🙂 I am not peeing on a stick...I'm waiting...I'm not even gonna work myself into another paranoia...I have enough mess dancing around in my head.

EG-You know what's wild? My senior year we had to have a baby. It wasn't high tech though. We had to boil a egg and put it inside a stuffed animal and if you were seen without your child or your child was caught just "laying" around. Teachers could take them and hide them from you, throw them around, kick them-anything to break that egg.


I held tight to my bear. But somehow...it still got a little crack...I think that came from when I cooked it though but i held tight like a good little fake mama. I passed 🙂

I was a little disappointed to see Angelina Jolie was a Gemini...but really she acts like one 🙂 I think she is drop dead gorgeous and weird BUT with a heart of gold.

She kissed her brother on the mouth! EWW...I love my brothers but I hate when they try to even touch me. A lip lock is out of the question!

I really don't have a problem with Gemini's only my ex...now him...I don't like.

Hahahah

Tanya-Hon...I meant absolutely no harm. Please forgive me if you took it that way. That was not my intention. I was just making a statement.

Not all Gem's are the same...Especially the ones with water influence 😉

Please accept my apologies though if I have offended you. Definitely not my intentions.

Three Things Rule huh?

Where I live is cool-I hate my neighbors though! They probably think I'm a damn snob but who cares? They play their music entirely too loud! Don't nobody want to hear that sh*t! I left a polite little note on their door telling them as much when I just could have called the police-Butt Holes...

What I do is cool...I would like to do something different though. I should have went to school for psychology like I wanted.

Who I love? Hmmm I love everybody 🙂 Mostly...In love...Who knows anymore.

Tanya are you alright?

Girlie I don't like all water signs. I can't stand some Scorpio's! Are you kidding. My mom is an Aquarius love...

I don't discriminate. It was just an observation. I know a couple of Gemini's not just one or two.

Tanya-Are you kidding? You're taking it way to personally.

I'm sorry you are feelings as though I attacked you.

I'm just gonna leave it at that because apparently this is a bigger issue than me or what I've said.

Feel Better Love...

Oh God! I would love to buy too! I hate paying rent! They rip us off!

As bling isn't here, I will do the honours:

::clears throat::

Fffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!