so i got hit by the frying pan but i needed to..

So regardless of eveyrone on here's advice i met up with virguy yesterday and it wasnt pretty to say the least but at least now i truely believe it is over and he was honest with me which is what i needed. What is more is i was so dismissive of this whole committment phobe theory but i really think he is a sufferer.

So id sent him an email telling him that he needed to let me know how he was feeling so i could move on. We met up yesterday and he said to me that these past two months we havent been in tocuh he has some really big news. I was like oh what is it. He's only moving to bahrain isnt he!! I cant believe it from a guy who only moved to london in january to be with his friends is now randomly moving to bahrain when he doesnt even like hot climates and knows no one... i mean how far can a guy run!

He spoke to me about the email and he said that when he received it it made him feel really sad because i blamed myself for this. He said it's not you, he said that he really did love me but when i went down for the interview he just had a bad gut feeling. He said that he realised that if i moved to london his life would change and maybe he was selfish but he didnt want it to change. He said he knew that even more now he was moving to bahrain because he said "if we were together i would have felt guilty like i couldnt have gone so i know ive made the right decision". So i said to him well where do you get off telling me im the one, you cant do that to a girl, you had me livign a fairytale that wasnt true? He said im sorry, he said i did feel that when i said it but maybe i dont think ahead.

He clearly has all the signs of a committment phobe, he has major relationship issues with his parents that he never dealt with. Before we met he moved from one relationship to the next to the next. The only reason our relationship worked for 10 months was because it was long distance and he could cope with that. Our relationship was full of highs and lows it was not consistent. I know i should have listened to everyone on here all along but soemtimes you have to live things to learn them, but im not ashamed to admit you were all right all along.

Ive cut him off for good now, i deleted him off a social networking site and i deletd every contact detail i have for him and i told him i cant be friends. Its the only way i can move on and stop myself hurting. Im glad he was honest with me in the end though.

annoyingly i am still worried about the stupid guy though because i know he will never deal with these issues he has, it hurts me to think he will carry on through life doing this to himself and others. To run as far as bahrain is not normal, he's cutting everyone out, it's not healthy and i just pray he is ok.

Well that's it from me i hope it wont take me long to deal with this and get over it, at least now i can. I hope next time i will meet a guy who truely is there for me and doesnt mess with my head. It's really been the hardest time of my life but ive lived and learnt.

Thank you high seas drifter, it's been hard but i have to move on now 🙂

Remember Chandler, from friends?

He was in a semi-relationship with Janice, to whom he never really wanted anything serious from her, but, he kept her on the thread for a back-up date, when all else failed.

Then, when she decided that his attention he gave her meant "love" .. she pressured him for a commitment.

Anyway .. I'll never forget the episode where he was trying to get away from her, and told her he was moving to Yemen, for work ..... and she followed him, and he HAD to get on the plane to Yemen.

Funny as hell, it was .... because he never was going there, really .. it was just an exit route that he told her, so he could ditch her without hurting her feelings. AND she believed him !!!!!!!


I miss Friends .. I wish it was still in syndication.

Its funny you should say that because i said to my girlfriends i really would love to message him and say im moving to bahrain, i would never actually do that but i would love to see his reaction, where would he run to next!!

Saw it coming, Rescueme and tried to tell you.


:::: sighs ::::


Please stop with the ...

"annoyingly i am still worried about the stupid guy though because i know he will never deal with these issues he has, it hurts me to think he will carry on through life doing this to himself and others."


.. because so long as you are putting energy into feeling sorry, or worried, or concerned about him in any ..... you will still be holding onto him, regardless of how much you don't want to.

If you know now that this is the end of the road .. then do NOT worry yourself about him .. because if you do, then you will never be able to put a period behind it and move on.


Your reality is molded by what you think about, where you put your energy ... and the more you think about it, the stronger it gets.


Think of it like a Big Mac .. you know it's full of cholesterol, you know it's fattening, you know your arteries will clog up ... you can "think" about all the bad parts of the Big Mac and why you shouldn't eat it. And you know what? You are still going to crave wanting it BECAUSE you are thinking about it.


Laws of Attraction does not hear want or does not want .. it only hears the subject = Big Mac

If you say to yourself .. I don't want a loser-man .. it will only hear the subject = loser-man, and has no clue that you said don't want.

If you put energy into thinking about this man, in any terms ... LOA will only hear you asking for this man, Rescueme >>>> and so you will never be able to purge him from you.

lol, Strings, yet again you show your stupidity .. for if you had any clue about this situation, you'd know .... this woman chased a man to another town, after he ended the relationship with her.

Which reeks of issues involving self-esteem, and emotional dependency.


However, please carry on being a dumb ass .... you do it so well.

leo kitten, he is not running to bahrain to avoid a relationship you're right. He does have an opportunity with work there, i just think it's interesting how it coincides with his personal life at the moment (and i dont necessarily mean me). He's jsut moved into a house with some really good friends and he is not happy there, he has ended up bailing out the other 3 guys he lives with (who are all close friends of his) as they cant afford the rent and they mis-calculated before they moved in. One of these friends in particular is very dependant on virguy, cant seem to do anything on his own and virguy has always been like a father figure to him. So part of the commitment issues lie there. Thirdly his mum is disabled and her condition has worsened over the past few months (she lives close to where i do) when he also lived up here he had to do many things for her which i think he resented. Since he has moved away he has hardly visited her and when he does she always crictices him. So i think he is running away from a lot more than just me, i think i am the least of his issues. Men like virguy are control freaks ive come to realise, when they cant control anything else in their lives and it becomes too much they focus on the one thing they can control and throw themselves into that. After speaking to him on friday it sounds like that is just what he is doing. Since we split he says he has hardly been out because his housemates cant afford it, he said their new house doesnt have a tv so he's been stayingn at work till 11 each night, to me that screams someone who is throwing themselves into the one situation they can control. Hence throwing himself into this opportunity in bahrain. I dont disagree with the fact it is a good opportunity and most normal people would take up such an opportunity it's just that it doesnt sit with his views on working abroad that he had when we were together, it just feels a little like he is running.

p-Angel i hardly think it's fair to saying i am chasing him to london. Wouldnt any person in a loving relationship agree to moving to london if they were under the illusion that they were with the person they were going to spend the rest of their lives with. Ill admit i have become emotionally dependant on him which i will be sure never to do again int he future. I have to say though this seems to be a particular skill of CPs they pull and push to make you become addicted to the highs. Before i met virguy i was very emotionally independant and is it any surprise i fell so easily when he created all these fairytales for me to believe. I think that this is something many women would do because we all like to believe in a happy ending. It's very ironic though because i was soo independant before we met, i hadnt dated for two years and my freidns used to laugh that i was an ice queen and no guy could break down my barriers... then along came virguy (who i wasnt even attracted to at first). It was a time in my life where i was meant to be going travelling, i wasnt even looking for a relationship. This sounds awful but virguy asked me on a date (he had been pursuing me for a while) and i was a little bored that week so i thought hey why not. I went on a date and afterwards thought well that was a mistake (still no attraction for me).. he went on holiday for two weeks.. id forgotten about him and when he came back he asked me on another date but i was resistant. I used the excuse that no i dont think this is a good idea, you're moving to london and im going travelling we should just stay friends. He was like ok then... Then a week later i was a little bored again so i said hey why not hook up.. so we did and it spiralled out of control after that and before i knew it i had fallen for him hook line and sinker. How are you not supposed to when a guy treats you like you are a princess, says all the right things and makes you feel like you are the only girl on the planet. So it is probably my own fault but looking back the way he treated me made me become emotionally dependent, i wont be doing it again. If i had kept my independance i would be in australia right now but i cancelled that becuase i thought how can i go to the other side of the world from the guy im in love with. So i probably only have myself to blame for my misery, now i have to focus on getting myself out of it.

Rescueme, I already know everything that happened between you two, the whole fairy tale web he spun and I understand why your heart felt like it should follow him to another town. My whole point was to express that this man broke up with you BEFORE you moved to his town, and you followed him ... so that he runs away again isn't an indication that he has CP.

But, none of that really matters now .. it's done.


My thoughts to you weren't referencing who was at fault, who did what, when and why .... my thoughts are revolved around being able to "let go" of him now, and if you feel sorry for him because you think he's ill with CP, or you worry about him because his life is fucked up, or any kind of consuming thoughts about him .... then you won't be able to let go, and move on.

Pity, worry, concern .... are all very intense feelings, for the energy that is exerted in these kinds of feelings are probably as strong as hatred, just on a different level.

Certainly, it's understood that your heart is broken ... but, is your mind broken? Are you broken? Did he break your will?

What you think about is what your reality will be.

If you are focused around Blame, Fault .. it's his fault because he has CP .... only gives you a reason to put blame on him, so you can keep relishing in the misery of how this makes you feel.

It's just an excuse .... so what? Ok, so maybe there is a reason why he did this, maybe he is CP .. but, so what?

It's finished ... put a period behind it, and move on for real. Don't be one of those women who come in here and say over and over and over, that they are finished with a man ... and then keep talking about him.

That's not done .... to continue giving him your precious energy to keep taking about him is NOT moving on.

So, my whole point to you was to STOP worrying about him .. to worry about him is to keep hanging onto him because that is where your thoughts are, so him is what you will continue to crave, and pine for.

Of course, you're going to still be hurt for a while, and it will be hard to overcome .... but, please help yourself in doing so by attempting to force him out of your reality .. and not allow the thought of him to continue in your reality through your thoughts about him ... like all the rest of the women do in here .. don't wear it like and energy shroud around you to darken your light.

If it's over, then rip him from your thoughts >> is the only way to heal.

::: nods head in agreement :::



And to place this blame so adamantly, is actually an ignorance enabler.



For certain, if by my actions, I played a part in ruining something I thought precious or valued .. then I would WANT to know where I went wrong, so I don't fail like this again.

To remove myself from accountibility for my participation within the role I played, to hold myself harmless of any errors, and putting all blame on him ...... is a blind-fold, so I won't see myself when I jump off the same cliff.


How can a person actually GROW, and learn for themselves, what errors took place on their part ..... if they close their eyes to the truth of their mistakes, and just blame the other person for the failing.


Success can only be obtained when a person recognizes failure ....

Yep, I have a couple of those also ..... I was dating a Leo man, to whom I really liked a lot. In fact, we are still friends. Anyway, we dated for a while, had a good time, fun .. he's a really good man. Before he started dating me, he had been with a lady (sign unknown) for like 4 years, or something. And she tried desperately to get him to the alter. When him and I were dating, she would cause scenes, make dramatic phone calls to him, attempt to confront me to piss me off and accuse me of taking her man away from her, she tried to tell him lies about me to turn him against me. Alls kinds of things she did, and said .... to get this man to commit to her.

We continued to date because we liked each other.

Anyway, one day, he met my best friend .. her and I have been best friends since 1966 ... their eyes locked onto each other, and that was all she wrote .. the fat lady sang.

They are still married, and have 4 lovely daughters .. and both remain my very good friends. I didn't do anything to him, he didn't do anything to me ... he just wasn't suppose to be a life-partner for me, and I to him.

He doesn't have any commitment issues, eventhough this other woman from the past couldn't trap him, no matter what she did or said. I'm sure that if she had been asked, at the time, she would have said he had commitment phobia.


He didn't, he doesn't .... he's been loyally commited to his Taurus wife since 1980.

The fact is ... not every person is suppose to be a life-partner to you just you like this person, or want this person .... and if this other person is not meant to be your partner in a commited relationship .. then this does NOT mean they have an issue.

It means you aren't the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with ... and I don't understand why that is so difficult for women to come to terms with.

"I think this will definitely help rescume. Afterall she wants to reach happy partnership. not neccessarily with him. and she will get over her obsession. for sure."


I hope so, Brad, for her sake and sense of emotional well-being.

I'm a firm believer of this ....

Love doesn't make happiness, rather, happiness makes love.

Harboring resentment is a soul-killer.


"you don't know it all unless you experience it."


That is quite true, fs .. we have experienced finding the ability in ourselves to let go of feelings that are unhealthy, as it pertains to heartaches from love-lost ... rather than holding onto them, to let it fester, and destroy us.

that is what we know because that is what we have experienced as a correct course for our life-force's energy.

You don't know that because you haven't experienced it yet ..... as of yet, you have only experienced holding onto this negative energy, by means of projecting fault onto the man, so you don't have to face that you participated in it's ending >>>>>> to a bitter and resentful ending.

That is your experience .. that is what you know how to do.

We know how to let go .. so we can grow.

well im glad ive caused you all so much entertainment. Im sorry im not so perfect as you all seem to be. Gees what would you people do without people like me posting our worthless heartbroken souls on here so you can rip them to peaces i hope some other poor mug comes along to fill my shoes. Just glad i have been able to make you all feel so much better and smugger about yourselves.

Uncanny how you all seem to know so much more about my life than i do when ive never met you, i think i must be missing some fly on the wall or something.

You all seem to be totally ignoring what I am ACTUALLY saying. I AM moving on and letting go of negative feelings, writing on here is part of the process for me. Saying that, i shall not be disclosing any more details on here you'll have to find some new poor person to rip to pieces.

I don't get it either.

People would hear how there is something they don't have, for means of causing them harm, rather than hear something they could have, for means of benefit to them.

Again, Brad, this loops around to your thread.

Things don't happen to people ... people do them to theirselves.

Why is it that when people ask for aid ... that they get upset when they realize that this is something they did not know?

If they knew, then they wouldn't have to ask.


One of my mottos .... if you don't want to hear the answer, then don't ask the question.

its not sympathy and agreement i want, i appreciate everyone's opinions. Maybe my post was a little ott im sorry for that. I do however think some people's posts get a little personal, that's what i meant. It is possible to give constructive criticism without gettting personal. Im quite willing to admit my faults and i have been perfectly open and honest in my posts but some people seem to have been writing to make it sound like i am afflicted with some condition and incapable. It's one thing to say "listen honey you need to move on" and another to say "it's no wonder people like rescueme are the way they are".

i dont want just sympathy and (if you refer to my first post on this thread) i was the first one to admit that many people on here were right all along.

Yeah, you got it straight, LK. He told her months ago, he didn't love her and then still kept her around so long as the clothes were falling off .. and in her mind she thought it was love, eventhough he told her it wasn't, and was respecting Ram.

This makes him CP 😢 ... eventhough he told her months ago that this was going nowhere.

What I think this all boils down to, and is my personal assessment .. he respected his Ram, he feels bound my his feeling to her, such as we saw happen in early summer ... and fs got jealous of this, she felt for him and so would demand that he respected her, if she was to be The Woman in his life. And this seems normal, what woman wouldn't feel like they deserve this?

She went into contest to try and lure him away from regarding the Ram higher than her, to bring him to her on a higher level than the Ram and it didn't happen ... he broke up with her instead.

So, instead of facing this reality for what it actaully is ..... he has commitment phobia, because it's easier to face a lie than it is the truth, especially when it involves yourself.

Because this is what is wanted.


It doesn't matter what characteristics the other actually possesses to make them quality to you ... only wants.

If it's wanted, then it's the only measurement for value.

fs, you miss the only point people try to tell you .. no matter how they attempt to say it to you. Nice, mean, blunt, compassionately, beating around the bush .. doesn't matter how it is said ... it flies over your head.

How does a person have to say it, so that you comprehend?

I understand where she is, Brad .... it's her who doesn't understand.

The message is being sent out by her that she is helpless in this man. What he does, what he thinks, what he says ..


It's like ... look how he treats me, isn't it aweful?

Yes, it is .. but, what is more aweful is that you are still standing there, defending him by saying he's just ill, or making excuses for him to be an asshole.

I fully "get" what she is saying ... she is saying that she has no options, no choice .. if he approaches her with his desires, wants, thoughts, decisions ... then her only choice is to believe him, and hope like hell he is sincere THIS time.

And the only thing she really needs to know, to understand .. is that she ALLOWS him to treat her this way, because she is still regarding him with any value.

Thank you, you finally "get" what I've been trying to say all along.


If ... if ... he isn't worth it, then why put any worth into him?

That was to HSD.

No, Brad .. my virgo husband cannot use gas-lighting against me because I won't allow it of myself.

That is my whole point >>>> a person allows their life to happen .. life doesn't just happen and we are helpless, and at life's mercy.

We make it ..

"You can say no... maybe they are really different types of personality."



To be sure, everybody has different types of personalities. It is understood and obvious that you are trying to defend fs, and what a remarkable quality to have. The problem that is present is that nobody is saying anything to her with intentions of harm to even protect, or defend.

The intentions are for the light to go off in her head that ..... she makes her own choices in life.

It has nothing to do with HIS personality, or HIS desires.

It's about HER, her owning her own choices in life to make her life happen for her with value and integrity, and NOT to leave her fate in the hands of a person who doesn't give a shit.

And still .... your energy goes to him.


You are obssessed, fs ... plain and simple.

Brad, you always have the option to close the door on the salesman. If he gives you mis-information .. then who's is telling you that you HAVE to stand there and keep listening to him?

I don't get it, at all.


I don't get why someone would give up their rights to make their own choices and think the only information worth embracing are the ones of the salesman, who led you astray.

And THEN defend the lying salesman, to infer his word is valueable?

About virgo man, forgiveness is not an option anymore.

*cappy flips for joy*

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!! Lady, I am so happy for you 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄

Yes, she does.


It's apparant to me, Brad, that you also only want to hear what you want because your mission is to defend fs.

Not much different really.

And I'm not going to attempt to convince you of something you have your mind closed to hearing, because this isn't about ONE sentence she said .. this is about her owning of herself, in the whole scheme of things.

The whole forest, from the eye of an Eagle.

Once, she went to him and said she did it with intentions of ending it with him, then he was nice, so she went car shopping, and coffee with him, and was sullen because he never approached the topic of closure to the relationship, and even said that she had no desires in ending it .. though she said it was whole reason why she approached him in the first place.

That ^^^^^ is passive/aggressive. She wanted it to end, at that time, and instead of doing so, she bent to him, and then became angered that he didn't bring closure to the relationship for her.


Just now .. she would imply ... she had ended it by sending an email and telling him that he fucked up in the way he treated her, he got mean back to her .. so she went for coffee with him on her birthday, which turned ugly.


If you are over somebody, and you send a closure email .. what the fuck are you going to coffee with him for?

Again, I'm so happy for you FS, really I am 🙂 You seem really cool and to have a guy like that just doesn't allow you to show your true coooolness, if you know what I mean 😄

Actually, an ex of mine just texted me last night out of the blue :O He kept texting me so I answered him so I could go to sleep. I'm not quite sure what all this is about really but I will see what the heck he wants -- this is not a virgo by the way, this is a Gemini/Cancer cusp man ...

"What she did enjoy with him is a treasur. Do not take her this good memories."


It wasn't treasured, and it wasn't good memories ... for she then came in here and ripped, very loudly how unhappy she was about this outing because he NEVER approached the subject of closure with her when she wanted it happen.

She was actually resentful about this outing, because it left her feeling confused, upset, and angered that he would do this to her.


Read the passage, Brad ... this wasn't a treasure to her.


Your intentions are to defend her, and this is honorable ... however, it is also an ignorance enabler when what she actually needs is to see the light.

Yep, virgos can be very sweet, so when they turn cold its like WHOA, where the hell did he come from? lol. Then when they turn back again, then expect you to be receptive I suppose .... I haven't learned how to do that yet 😛 If you are cold to me I think it should be return to some degree just so the guy knows that theres a problem here.

Well, I hope like hell, for your sake, that when you return from your holiday that you've cleared out your head, and have finally realized that the addiction to this man is by your own doing, and not anything he has done to MAKE you.

I hope like hell you realize that you make yourself.

We'll see ... if you come back and post about him some more >>> putting more of your energy into a man who you claim isn't even worth your effort. Because this back and forth with you has been going on for a couple months now, where you've been painting a picture to infer that you have been helpless this whole time, and at his mercy to decide to want you and treat you better because you have no power to own yourself.


Have fun on your trip, and actually put forth effort in purging him out, instead of continueing to obssess over him .. for a change.