Sceenplay Time

Alright. If you plan on critiquing this, please be gentle as it took me countless hours to write (even such a small amount). I wrote this about a year ago all by myself. I have another sample of a part of a screenplay I wrote with my boyfriend, but I will post that sample later. Well, on with the crap...the only thing I'm proud of about this one is that I wrote with absolutely no help from him whatsoever. 🙂

FADE IN:

INT. HOME OF RYAN COFFEY, BUENA VISTA, CALIFORNIA -- EVENING

The bedroom is nearly pitch-black, save for a sliver of blue moonlight piercing into the bedroom through the space between two dingy curtains, illuminating the sillhouette of RYAN COFFEY, 34; an unkempt mess of a bachelor. He is staring blankly at his reflection in a dirty mirror, one of the few adornments on the peeling gray-green bedroom walls. There is a half-bathroom connected to his bedroom; its door is slightly ajar.

The camera pans the bedroom floor. We see two mice scurry across the room, then under the bed. There is a chest-high mountain of dirty laundry that's taken permanent residence in one corner of the room. The stench of mold and mustiness almost seep through the screen.

The camera rises and we see the face of RYAN up close. Underneath his untidy goatee, there is an average-looking, albeit dirty face with no remarkeable features. Not the sort of face that would stand out in a crowd. RYAN has blue eyes -- not clear, icy blue but a gray, cloudy blue.

We see a YOUNG WOMAN, quite obviously a prostitute, standing in the threshold of the bedroom. She is wearing a short strawberry-blonde wig and a knee-length gray trenchcoat. This allows us to take note of her shredded black fishnet stockings and red stiletto heels.

PROSTITUTE

Gonna be seventy-five in cash.

Wordlessly, RYAN visually scans his surroundings for his wallet. Upon finding it, he opens it and makes the transaction. He resumes his seat on the bed and continues studying his reflection in the mirror. The PROSTITUTE counts it twice, thoroughly.

RYAN
(flatly)

You said fifty.

PROSTITUTE

Hey, you're a decent guy, but this place is a butterhole. You think I had a good treetrunking time? treetrunking rats and butter, give me a goddamn break --

RYAN
(interrupting)

-- leave, already.

At this, the PROSTITUTE takes a seat on RYAN's bed and helps herself to one of his cigarettes. This is the last straw for RYAN. He turns only his head to face the young woman. There is a beat, and then --

RYAN
(screaming, hysterically)

Get the treetrunk out!! Get out!!

PROSTITUTE

Christ, alright, I'm leavin' ass hole!

The PROSTITUE flings her lit cigarette at RYAN, then shuffles hurriedly out of the bedroom into the hallway, at the same time trying unsuccessfully to put her other high heel on. RYAN jumps up from the chair upon which he's been sitting and slams the bedroom door closed, causing the mirror to fall from the wall and shatter on the hardwood bedroom floor.

FADE TO:

INT. CAR, INTERSTATE HIGHWAY -- EARLY AFTERNOON

IAN SOLLIS, 36 and LOU UNDERWOOD, 38. IAN is a smooth character; a man who moves with a purpose and charms everyone he meets with his good looks as well as his personality.

LOU is a man of few words, but more ethics than IAN. He is very muscular with a deep voice and a serious demeanor.

IAN
(talking on cellular phone)
Of course we will. This mothertreetrunker drives like a bat out of hell on heroin. Belive me, we'll get there, dead or alive.(Pause) Why worry? Way I see it, if this moron is so stupid he can't see how doing it could only help him, the chickensucker needs to exit my treetru

(it's obviously not finished. lol)

p.s., did anyone notice I said "sceenplay"? Oh you didn't? Oh I'm glad. 🙂

Ok, here's my HONEST opinion...

I like the first part about the prostitute and Ryan Coffey. The descriptions of the room, atmosphere and Ryan are vivid, which is good. I'm not sure whether you need to go into as much detail for a screenplay though (I'm really not sure, this is why im voicing it; just to draw your attention to it). Perhaps speak to someone who has completed a script to find this out. Anyway, regardless, it creates a good picture, one which is easy to imagine, especially the "save for a sliver of blue moonlight piercing into the bedroom through the space" bit.

The dialogue between the Prostitute and Ryan is accurate (in other words, i would expect this in real life) and goes with the scene. The swearing is ok, but be careful not to overload.

It then jumps to a road trip scene with Lou and Ian. I'm not sure what the significance of this is yet, but i don't know the entire story, so i won't really go into this...

Now, i just have to say something about 'swearing' in a film. I don't like too much swearing in a film as i find it is the 'easy' way out or it could come across as trite (it has been done too many times before) or creates benign stereotypes. You're trying to create 'tough' characters but after a while, the swearing will lose it's effect and the audience will become immune to it. I also lose 'respect' for what the author is trying to do when i hear too much swearing. I find, unless it's REALLY relevant, it comes across as untidy and 'cheap'.

Sometimes what a character says or DOESN'T SAY is equally important. For example, the exchange between Ryan and the Prostitute ("You said fifty") is good because it SHOWS they are both TOUGH... - they both drive a hard bargain and are willing to stand up to each other. This may also suggest they are from the same social class or have a simliar socio-economic standing in their current lives.

There is a really good Australian Film called Kiss or Kill (I think) and it's got so much potential, but became ruined by all the swearing. Unless it has extreme relevance, I feel it UNDERMINES a script.

The thing with Ian and Lou is that you need to create more of a background for them. Where do they come from? What is their life story? Why is Ian 'smooth'? Did he grow up with a single parent? Is he emotionally void or cold because he missed out on having a father? Did he grow up in a slum and, as a result, decree that he would become 'smooth' and get what he wants out of life, like the wealthier classes? Why is he on a road trip?

All these things add depth to a character and even if he's only 'swearing', there must be a REASON for it. It is called idea of 'cause and effect'. A character ACTS a certain way BECAUSE.... For example, a character swears because he hasn't had an education, because he is frustrated, because he is contemptious, because he has no respect for society or maybe even because it makes him seem more a 'man' (and then you would have to make it clear why he feels he has to prove his 'manhood'). If you don't give the characters a history or background, then WHAT THEY SAY, and THEIR ACTIONS exist in a vacumn and the audience are left wondering why the hell they are behaving the way they are, which in turn, will make your script and story look thin.

Look, i really hope you understand what i mean. I wanted to use the swearing as a way of driving home my point about characters, their backgrounds, their histories, their current motivations and what DRIVES them.

One thing that strikes me is that you seem to have a knack at writing vivid and imaginative descriptions. I am wondering, have you ever considered writing novels first and then adapting them to the screen?

Anyhow, i just wanted to draw you attention to a few minor details.

All I can think of is my friend Ryan hiring a prostitute... And I can see it happening.

Phoenix, you did good picking names.

wow, pretty damn good there.

vision.

you really are good. kind of a pulpfiction language. but i could totally imagine it happening.

BTW what is your plot... obviously the play is not done.

lol morgon. ditto.

I'd be creaful about posting my ideas on the internet as you never know who's reading. Anyway, enough of the mum stuff.

PS. Goodluck and good on you for doing it on your own. Dialogue is not easy to write 😉

There are some sites that you can apply for a membership to, like e-groups and whatnot, and you can post your writings on those and be rest assured that nobody but a hacker could get a hold of your writing.

Personally, I'm taking the safe way out and having an editor from the publishing company I'm sending my book to do his thing for a buck-fifty a page. If you're anything like me, you're going to need the reminder that perfection is not what the first copy ("sloppy" copy) is all about.

I wonder how much editors make. I really wanted to be an editor, until I heard they make in a year about enough to pay for half a semester in college.

And that's just taking the salary straight without taxes and with out using it to pay for necessities, like food and shelter.

So Josh, what's your book about?

Hey, I'd really like to thank everyone for their comments -- Libragirl, I'm going to be printing out this page so that I can refer to it all of your questions. I understood exactly what you were trying to say and I thank you very much for helping me out! Very good points and observations you made. I was particularly impressed with how you picked up on the whole equal social classes thing. And to answer your question about whether I've considered doing a novel or something like that first, I definitely have. It's just that I'm not sure I could buckle down enough to work on it every single day for two years or however long it takes to write a novel. I've always wanted to, though. Hey, I guess I could morph what was going to be a script into a book! That might work...it is difficult to keep those imaginative juices flowing whilst being stifled and regimented by the conventions and practicalities of writing in proper script format. At least, it's difficult in my opinion. I would probably enjoy writing a book a whole lot more actually.

Morgan -- that's weird and funny. lol.

Josh -- thank you also for your two cents (meant figuratively of course!) 🙂

M_Ayson -- thank you for the compliment, that was really nice. 🙂 As far as my plot, in a teensy tiny nutshell so I don't bore everybody: basically Ryan is a disillusioned former over-achiever, a lawyer who wouldn't defend people he knew were guilty of the crimes for which he was expected to defend them for in court, and so as a result of his attempted moral purity, he couldn't make a living doing the one thing he'd devoted his whole life to learning how to do -- be a lawyer. Lou and Ian are cohorts who once were charged with all kinds of crimes (not sure which ones yet) and Ryan was supposed to defend them. Ryan was the best lawyer in Buena Vista. But he backed out of their case, leaving them no option but to be defended by a not so good lawyer, who ended up losing them the case. So the two men served roughly seven years in prison for their crimes. They are now on a mission to destroy Ryan's life from afar, and then force him to do their dirty work for them (killing some people, robbing some places, that sort of stuff). I haven't decided how they will ruin his life yet. There is another character, the fiance of Ian, the chick he was talking to on the phone. But I haven't developed her role or character at all yet. There will be other characters, too.

Oh, and there's a whole theme I want to convey about the difference between good and bad, and how bad people are unfairly rewarded in life with riches and power while good people have to suffer in a world that seldom rewards goodness. And Ryan is supposed to be realizing this, sinking into a deep depression and figuratively falling from grace for the first twenty five minutes of the movie, until he has an epiphany and also a run-in with Lou and Ian.

I think it would make a great movie- or novel! I would say writing a book is much much easier than writing a screenplay, so whatever you do, stick with it because your story seems to have just the theme people are eating up nowadays. And if you do decide to write a book, it only takes a few months for an average sized one. A few months at the longest. =)

LOl, a few months to a few years, depending on what you want to communicate and how well you like your own writing. If you're like me, you write, then tare it up, then rewrite, than tare it up again, and it becomes a long process whith no light at the end of a dark shadowy tunnel of ambiguous words and intangeble themes from which you can try and try to organize within your cluttered mind while staring intently into a buzing yet blank computer screen, and wind up still saying absolutely nothing.

And at some point where you once embraced your mission, you find that you have long forgotten your goal. What was it that you were originally going to say anyway? It's all forgotten, lost in the abyss of unsatisfactory phrasing of a jealous and prideful mind that sees nothing which can please it. It creates worlds and characters simply to hold for ransom, incase at some later time their debts may be needed and called upon to try and rebuild the drestuction wich years full of empty pages has wrought on such a fragile mind... The words... The words that were once your friend, that were once your joy and the suckling pig of your mental feist, they are now your enimy. Their blackened mummified fingers claw at you like cold thin sticks of bitter resentment for all those wants you could never attain... They hunt you now, through the all the passages of your head which were better to have kept locked, but which they have pried open. You have named them a passion and sold your soul for their cause, but now you have found that they have betrayed you, and will stop at nothing until they see you in the ruined poverty of a madman, still unable to break your principles and sell out to those who would buy your very being for some shallow profit.

Straight from the mind of a Capricorn: don't sweat the small stuff. Here's lookin' at you kid.

Would you like to know the secret to writing a novel? I'll tell you. My novel may or may not be a successful novel, one that others like, but it's written nonetheless. I've discovered in the process that writing a novel is a lot like writing bull for a report due in thirty minutes. Just keep this mindset and don't allow a single grain of emotion until you've done all you can stand for a day. Oh, and I handwrite and then type because I figure I'd rather remain "just" nearsighted rather than blind. The secret to writing really is simple, though. Keep your seat on the seat, and don't leave until your bladder alarm says you should. It is a painful process, and if you have friends you like to be with, I wouldn't advise it. In that case, wait until you're thirty-five to start writing when all of your friends have children anyway.

...Should I mention the main character of my novel suffers from advanced paranoid schizophrenia? Mabye I shouldn't, and maybe I should mention instead that there were a lot of 3 or 4 o'clock mornings in getting my words written.

lol, I'v got quite a few charactes with schizophrenia as well...

My problem is that a lot of times I just don't feel qualified enough to write what it is I want to write. I feel that I don't have enough worldly experience, and that my plot and my characters won't seem real enough. And I know what you mean about the 3 and 4 o'clock mornings. Sometimes when the words want to come out, they must come out, and a lot of times I find they come out the easiest at night, probably because I'm so tired, my mind doesn't have energy to wander... Oh well... I'm never ever satisfied with what I write, I always redo it, or stop midway and start something else. I've got about 135634574572345474534537456246 ideas though, so someday when I finally do perfect my writing style I'll have plenty to write about. But when it comes to not letting out emotion until your done, I don't think I could do that. I write best when I'm emotional. I write best when I'm expressing emotions and when I'm trying to evoke certain emotions from the audience. Most of my stories are about the emotional responces of the characters to certain events in the plot. I like emotion, it's my freind. Oh well, I also like writing around certain philosophies as the centalized theme in the plot. I like writing the "what was the meaning of that?" type stories where it almost makes no sense. Ugh! I could go on for a very long time about what I value in literature, but I fear that I'd be taking too much space up on pheonix's post. I suppose I'll have to start a new thread.

Phoenix,

I'm so glad you're printing out the page. I wrote my response and then i saw on another board that you were going through relationship problems and i thought, "oh no, i hope she doesn't think i was criticising her" blah blah blah etc...! And then i read Mayson's thoughts about how he thought your script was Pulp Fiction style and i thought, "maybe i got it all wrong, in which case, swearing and senseless violence doesn't have to be justified"... blah blah and then thought, "well, Pulp Fiction style s are 'out' now anyway, if you ask me, and it's far better to write a script with a message"... So, now i know my first impressions were right! In a round about way...

Today i read an article today about 'Slasher' films and how they try to portray serial killers as 'Mythical' heros. It was really interesting, saying how these films actually 'shape' our perception of what a serial killer is, when in actual fact, in real life, they share very few of the typified features shown in films. Another interesting point the article made is how serial killers in films are always linked to some sort of divine 'evil' or possess 'superhuman powers' blah blah blah, which we all know isn't true.

Anyhow, im glad to be of assistance. Post any time if you want to toss around a few ideas. Be careful not to give too much away on the internet as you never know who's reading, and there are plenty of script-ripper offer's out there (did i get that right?).

Good luck and i hope the relationship stuff is sorting itself out. Don't worry, you get over it when you get older. The only reason you want someone around in the later years is LIFE style . Yes, LIFE style baby...

Seeya,
🙂