Aquarian love & losses & craziness...

Ok, not sure if anyone remembers, but back around March this year, me & a long missing love got together and he (the aqua) said stuff like having my move to where he is & get married & that he will wait but that he wants that. We fell into bed that night. The next day he went back home, several provinces over with plans of my flying to visit him 2 months later,...well a month later I was pregnant. Ok, I am not very proud this, because me & him talked about having kids, but we decided to get rid of the baby.

So 2 days after the loss he called to see how it went. That was in April, a week after my birthday. I have not heard from him since, no returned calls, nothing. This was a true nightmare, because not only did I lose this soul inside of me, but my own spirit & this love that I believed was the one I would be with.

...5 months later, he returns an email:
If you miss me more than you hate me and acept you were the crazy one ... I would like to maybe take you out for lunch maybe if you think you would want to ..... Im in town

I had written first:
A million words unsaid and I think you understand. Maybe because you're crazy like me.
I love this poem, the author is unknown. I thought I would share it with you.


Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.

My thing is, I really don't know what to do. My heart tells me this is who I want to be with, but I have no clue what he wants & he literally tore my heart & soul in half.

To you aquarians, wtffffffffff does this mean?

Ya, well I sent him that poem because he said one time, you don't want me, I'm too crazy, I think crazy things. He also said when we first hooked up years ago that that was what he liked about ME. So I don't know. Us 2 together it's like nothing else matters, it's us in our world so amazing, and apart we think about each other. Even if he never kept in touch, I know he did.

Right now I'm dealing with this cancerboy which I don't think is going anywhere valueable, anyways. Bottom line, I've always thought this aqua was my guy, even all summer, I thought he was, but I viewed it more as a forever lost love. I don't know. Maybe I should keep it as a forever lost one, but truth is, it will always feel incomplete.

Why would you ask if he does drugs?

(((TaurusGoddess)))) hugs to you

He doesn't sound like a good person. Having a termination is an emotional thing to go through. If he can walk away just when you are needing some kind of support, whats to say he won't do it again?
I fear that if you take him back you are sending him a message that he can bail out on you when he likes.
His actions spell selfish.

Good luck to you

Alice x

No there really isn't much else to the story, he is just confusing that way. He has done drugs, well we have even done them together, but it's not like he does it lots. I wouldn't base the confusion on that, he's always kinda talked funny that way. I've normally been able to understand him when most can't. I think that's one thing he liked about me.

Either way, he's in town now, I'm guessing just to visit. So I wouldn't be saying "come back in my life!" or anything, I'd be saying, "yes, we can talk". I am curious to what he would say about what happened & I can't hide the curiousity for what he wants from me now. I'm not sure if I'd be friends with him, I question a future any other way, but I don't know. There, you have it, I'm confused.

I wouldn't wish that loss I had this year on anyone, and CL, if you're reading this, I'm proud of you for being strong even in times of desertion, a true woman.

Awwww....

TG THANKS! You would be surprised how NOT strong I was yesterday/this morning when all the chips fell with Mr. Pisces. I was a blubbering fool! I'll tell you that story later if you want to hear it.

But in general...I agree with Alice. He seems really selfish and uncaring of what YOU are feeling. I mean WTF...If you miss me more than you hate me and acept you were the crazy one —?

ANYONE who blames ONLY the other person for a breakup I think has serious problems, especially with what you guys went through and how he left you to deal with it all alone...What a JERK!

I say don't do it, but if you DO...I hope it turns out well for you!
CL/Cm2

PS. Your choice was made about the termination...you shouldn't be ashamed, I know there might be some regret, but you were only doing what you thought was right at the time. I was only two steps away from it myself, so I have an idea what you might have been feeling at the time. What's done is done, it can't be changed and you SHOULD NOT beat yourself up for it...K?

Primegen,

Curiosity IS huge right now, I've had emotionally painful tears & thoughts over this guy, & if I don't even allow myself to ask him a thing, then I might never put closure on this. I think now I am stronger than I might of been awhile ago, enough to walk away not completely shattered. I don't know, when I first told him about me being pregnant he was like "We're having a baby!" all excited and as days went by we both started freaking & then it seemed as if he couldn't really be there for me & it went from bad to worse. I don't know what went on in his head, but he had once talked about big plans for us & this kinda was sooner than he thought, he freaked out. Not saying it's acceptable, but I am wondering what the hell he has to say to me. Good or bad I gotta know.

I emailed him this response:

So if I am the crazy one, then what are you?

Lunch? If you are up for it. Do I miss you enough to see you again? I don't know. But I don't hate you. Just make sure there's a bottle of red around, I'll need it. Sweet & relaxed.

If you accept that you were crazy too, then call me.

I'll keep you guys posted. Maybe I'll back out last minute, I don't know. It wouldn't hurt for him to be left hanging or anything. We'll see.

How do you do the stars?!! I wanna know! 🙂

sooooooooo aquaex called. I am going for dinner with him after work. The anxiety is outrageous. I hardly know what I'm going to do. I don't think I will have any control, it will be completely what I naturally would do, planning is not an option. I always imagined myself beating him to death & crying at the same time, but now it's here. OK, maybe I'm alone in this but I dunno, what do you say to an aqua that left you like that. He was very awkward on the phone actually. I wasn't about to question his motives on the phone, but he's gotta know, that I'm gonna be freakin. Why would he want to face me right now?

I think I need a shot of zambucca right now. Holy F!

Thanks guys, I think I might have a heartattack before he picks me up. I'm at work and I haven't thought straight since I talked to him. I think I might have to get drunk too in order to talk, walk, and think straight with him. lol

thank you, thank you, even just for saying something.

That turned out interesting. I don't knnow what to think of this man anymore. He said he had tried calling me for like a month after the sh-it(never saw any calls on my cell from him) and that he was so excited to fly me out to visit & he had looked at places that we could live in, and even that evetually we could have kids & do things the right way. He gave up & just assumed he got played.

I was just in shock, I didn't know how to respond. I am more confused for seeing him. Would he just totally lie to me like that? What is the point of this. Nothing makes sense. Seriously, I can only conclude that he has a chemical inbalance. Like he seemed sooooo sincere, but then him trying to get a hold of me was impossible. We kinda left things off weird. Nothing really to work with.
I hate this. I was maybe expecting a I'm sorry or lets try again, but THIS?!! The way he talked about future was crazy, and he didn't leave off what he wanted now. But why would he call me up, this just stirs up so much. I don't know whether to call him or leave it or forget as much as I can. I have no clue.

TG....I'm with YOU sweetie, this is most definately WEIRD. Your instincts are telling you something...you do KNOW the truth. Personally, I don't buy his story -not one word of it. I also would have been shocked but...that is what Aqua's are good at doing, "shocking." I am not saying all of them are like this..please, don't take this personally Aqua gang..I love you all! Me thinks that he just wanted to find a way for his own peace of mind to correct his mistake from the past...to go out looking like the "good" guy.

TG - there is absolutley no point in attempting to figure him out...it is wasting your energy, keeping you from moving on, and keeping you involved in "his" game. This is about YOU>......honestly, if he truly, truly, truly cared...you would not be where you are at this moment with him. It is time for you to look after yourself, you can only be played if you stay in the game. He will continue to "stir up" if you let him. This is YOUR call sweetie.

I am glad that you two met...you are as confused if not more so than you were before, is this emotional rollercoaster what you want in a relationship (friend/lover?) You deserve better.

I will share with you that an Aqua man played a few of his games with me...didn't take long for me to figure him out before I gave him the big send off! Yes, he still tries to contact me but there is no way he deserves my friendship. Set your standards hon and keep them. "I don't know whether to call him or leave it or forget as much as I can. I have no clue." Not sure if you are asking for advice if so, I say - leave him be, move on - DO NOT call him. I also feel that in time you will know what to do and that sweetie is the advice you must take, yours.

I am truly sorry for all that you are going through and I hope that you soon will have clarity and emotional peace. Thanks for sharing your story TG- I know through this you have helped others.

Thanks Freebird, this is definately the strangest of all situations. The crazy part is I'm not crushed, I'm like what the h-?!! He called today & wants to see me tommorow before he flies back. You know, I think he sincerely wants to be with me in the future but doesn't know how or is scared that he will screw up. He said the first time we never gave it enough because we were BOTH too scared of being hurt. Which is true. We both know we want to be together, or so maybe "wanted" to. I mean HE's the one who brought us all this stuff about future and I had always felt that way about him, but never said anything is fear of pushing him away. I know you aquas hate that.

BUT, even if he is sincere and slighty imbalanced doesn't make it a good idea for me. You're right, do I want this? I do feel better though, the more I think about it, I won't cry about it anymore, there are just some things in life that are just the way life is. You can't take it or leave it. You can accept it.

You my Lady are one very smart woman! I know you will make the right choice for your happiness. Keep asking yourself those very important questions and listening to your honest answers..if you need to, write it all down so that you can "SEE" it.

🙂 for YOU!

This is surely interesting.

Very interesting indeed. He called me when I was out in the evening yesterday & said he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me, but is scared to see me again. I asked him if he would regret it if he didn't, he said he would regret it if he wouldn't see me before he left. This morning I check my phone & he called at night & left a message that he didn't want me to doubt him & that he would call tommorow.

You know, this is my chance to really make him think about what he wants. God knows, he is already. But I can't just allow him to do whatever he wants. I will let him talk, I will let him come by, but this time, he's going to have to be the one being very real & very open.

It's such a fragile situation I hardly know what to say or do because one wrong thing & he will be too scared again. Am I just supposed to silently see what will happen?

He never called the next day (yesterday). Well if he doesn't call today that's it I guess. Funny how his fears can change a life. He's said so much to tell me that I'm what he wants & he wants no one else but me, and his future dreams involve me...but then this. How can 2 people want to be together & it never works because of fear. I want to stab fear right between the eyes right now. I want to slaughter it, I want to - f this. I want to forget this.

TG....I can sense your pain, hurt and frustration but maybe this is a "wake-up" call for you. I am seeing this situation from a completely different perspective (a bird's view) I think it is so much harder to see objectively when in the middle and experiencing the variety of emotions. I just gotta ask you some questions if you don't mind and they are not too personal -

Why do you feel the need to justify his actions? He said he was going to call you and you believed him - he didn't. Plain and simple he did not keep his word to you. Why do you even want to give him another chance? If you do, do you realize that you are giving him the msg. to mistreat you? you are saying it is okay to not keep your word and I will still take your calls when you call because you are important to me and I care about you....unfortunately, he does not feel the same about you Missy. Fear? you really buy that? Yep, sounds good - I used that same thing one time - yeah, it works but it isn't the truth. When love is present, there is NO FEAR. Fear and love cannot exist at the same time. "How can 2 people want to be together and it never works because of fear." It is not because of the fear...it is not working because it is not working. I don't mean to sound harsh but I see this happening to so many woman and they do not see what is happening to them until it is too late. TG, look at his actions, those speak volumes compared to his words...anyone can say anything, it happens all the time. Is this truly the type of relationship you desire? to feel this way? believe it or not, this is how it will be and can get worse.

My best to you sweetie

I could not have said it better myself Mr. P!

A person's character is always being shown whether we pick up on it or not is another story. Truth, if a person says he/she is going to call they ought to unless they do not care or are playing games. If one cannot keep their word, what good is their word? How does one learn to trust? For me, this is VERY important in a relationship. I am hoping that nothing serious has happened to this Aquar. man. Problems? if he has that many problems and those problems keep him from keeping his word why get involved with him? We cannot fix someone else. I suppose I too have learned many a lesson about men - I know what I want and I shall never settle nor do I expect to change a man - he is who he is.

I also agree that many of us have issues but one can justify all day long the issues of someone else....the bottom line is, do you feel good with that person? do they encourage you? support you? are they there for you? Do ya just know that it is right without a doubt?

TG will make her decision and she sure does need to walk thru it to experience what lessons are there for her.

Just thinking....what if there were no computers, books, tv, radio....how would one get through this thing called "relationships?" Maybe we truly do need to completely trust our own inner guidence system - maybe that is where the truth lies.

Primegen - "this could be a growth issue for both people...it taught me that looks are not everything, that I should not judge a book by its cover...intuition to tell her and if she can calm her emotions enough, it will tell her."

So very much a growth issue between us both. The reason I have been patient is because I am a person who have left people in fear even if I love them. I KNOW what it feels like to be scared; being inlove is so very vulnerable. I do need to reflect & I think that's how I will leave off with him. Just let him know that I care but that he can't walk in & out of my life. That he should think about what he wants & only contact me if he won't be playing with my mind. Because considering our past & our loss, it's crazy to think that my emotions won't be affected by him.

Freebird - "Maybe we truly do need to completely trust our own inner guidence system - maybe that is where the truth lies."

Very true. I appeciate your support. Yet without computers I wouldn't have gotton your advise. 😉 But really, thank you.

thanks guys but i think i ended it, although i feel like i killed myself doing it.

i emailed him:


Storms Lyrics
Fleetwood Mac

Every night that goes between
I feel a little less
As you slowly go away from me
This is only another test

Every night you do not come
Your softness fades away
Did I ever really care that much
Is there anything left to say

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

I haven't felt this way I feel
Since many a year ago
But in those years and the lifetimes past
I did not deal with the road

And I did not deal with you I know
Tho the love has always been
So I search to find an answer there
So I can truly win

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

So I try to say
Goodbye my friend
I'd like to leave you with something warm
But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm

I have always been a storm
ooh I have always been a storm
I have always been a storm

We were frail

She said
"Everynight he will break your heart"
I should have known from the first
I'd be the broken hearted

But I loved you from the start
Save us...
And not all the prayers in the world -- could save us



Reg, please leave me alone. I love you.