Sorry I've been away but I was honest with him... (Page 2)

He seems to follow by example so if I continue to focus on me and my life and my things, and not babysit him so much (I have this subconscious way of nurturing/taking care of people). I've stopped that...I've been letting him deal with his situations himself and not backing him up as much as I used to not in what he'd think is a spiteful way but just in a "I have better things to do sorta way". Though I am aware of everything, but I wait for him to ask me for help instead of automatically helping him before he asks.

Bottom line is...I reward his good behavior with my good behavior...and if I get the bad/neglectful behavior I move on to other things at the time so in time he'll learn how he needs to be around me 100% of the time.

THat sounds bad but its true LOL.

"But I think the problem lies like she said on the video...because he doesn't focus on any one person 100% of the time, that makes scorpios jealous and feel neglected which it did LOL. Part of why its so tough now is because he's not great at reading people so when you act a certain way he assumes its because of something so he alters his actions to fit yours instead of ever wondering why he/she is acting that way..."

The part of not being able to read people right away is probably his lack of patience. If he calmed his mind, and thought it over, maybe he can read them better. But I dont know if that even helps.

Absolutely get you on not focusing on someone 100% . I'll tell you something, if I'm focusing on a project or working on something and if my husband needs me. He gets very very upset if I don't give him some time for us. Thankfully that is NOT often and the attention is usually NOT to other people though, which is good. I can't imagine otherwise; I'm very people phobic to be honest, and very much a hermit. But my focus on something will be with horse blinders and if I dont snap out of it, I'll forget the time. So i dont know if this is something similar to an aquarian detachment thing.

Posted by ScorpioFemale79
He seems to follow by example so if I continue to focus on me and my life and my things, and not babysit him so much (I have this subconscious way of nurturing/taking care of people). I've stopped that...I've been letting him deal with his situations himself and not backing him up as much as I used to not in what he'd think is a spiteful way but just in a "I have better things to do sorta way". Though I am aware of everything, but I wait for him to ask me for help instead of automatically helping him before he asks.

Bottom line is...I reward his good behavior with my good behavior...and if I get the bad/neglectful behavior I move on to other things at the time so in time he'll learn how he needs to be around me 100% of the time.

THat sounds bad but its true LOL.

LOL actually it isn't bad. That's very smart really. He sounds like he admires you alot.

That's what people keep saying... "Oh he cares about you alot" "He compliments you to me" "He seems protective of you" "Oh he's always hovering around you"

I hear that alot but he never does it in a way where I notice it. He doesn't tell me/show me he cares, he doesn't compliment me to my face, he doesn't act protective of me when I'm around...sure he's hovering around me but he doesn't talk to me. In fact if i keep hearing that I'm going to get pissed off becuase ppl are always saying things like you said about the admiration but I don't see him doing it when I'm in the room.

When things were what I consider great...he would pass by my desk at least 1-5x a day, sometimes would stop and hover and watch me work...sometimes would playfully kick me, or toss something at me, or touch my arm/shoulder, he would invite me to lunch occasionally, ask me questions, do weird things like hide behind plants to get my attention...and he'd ask me questions about my life and would be attentive and would have this smile on my face when I'd come back from a 2 week vacation. That's what I loved about him...he SHOWED me he cared, he went out of his way to make me laugh and etc.

Where's that these days? If we do have a conversation its stupid things like...where's this, what's the clients name? What do you think about project A B or C (which is rare...its like 1-2 questions a day and that's it if you compare it to how much he talks to everyone else) and that's about it. No invites to lunch, no how was your weekend, no "that's a great idea", no jokes, none of that. And all of that started when I joined the same department.

I just don't get what changed and I don't think its the because you two work in the same office anymore excuse because he's amazing with the other people in our department...I mean he says like i said before we don't talk but I have tried talking about everything under the sun and he either just sits there or doesn't pay attention or gets distracted and walks away and its like he doesn't do that to everyone else, he's grounded with everyone and I even pointed that out and I never get a reason. It's frustrating. I even told him that I miss the way he used to be...and that when I joined the same department I literally prayed and hoped every day for many months that maybe that was the day the old him would come back and one day after being disappointed that he didn't I gave up and expected nothing out of him, built up a wall that I kept guard

he's grounded with everyone and I even pointed that out and I never get a reason. It's frustrating. I even told him that I miss the way he used to be...and that when I joined the same department I literally prayed and hoped every day for many months that maybe that was the day the old him would come back and one day after being disappointed that he didn't I gave up and expected nothing out of him, built up a wall that I kept guarded because at that point I was afraid of being disappointed/sad again so whenever he'd walk into the room i'd leave...everytime he joined a conversation I was in and looked like he was gonna 3rd wheel me I walked away, if he actually asked me a question that week I barely answered and I guess doing that...that made everything get worse...

But point is i told him i missed the old him and i hoped every day for a long time that the old him would come back and that's when he said "I'm still the same guy...how have I changed?" Question...

and i told him...but he still doesn't seem to get it...

"I hear that alot but he never does it in a way where I notice it. He doesn't tell me/show me he cares, he doesn't compliment me to my face, he doesn't act protective of me when I'm around...sure he's hovering around me but he doesn't talk to me. In fact if i keep hearing that I'm going to get pissed off becuase ppl are always saying things like you said about the admiration but I don't see him doing it when I'm in the room.

When things were what I consider great...he would pass by my desk at least 1-5x a day, sometimes would stop and hover and watch me work...sometimes would playfully kick me, or toss something at me, or touch my arm/shoulder, he would invite me to lunch occasionally, ask me questions, do weird things like hide behind plants to get my attention...and he'd ask me questions about my life and would be attentive and would have this smile on my face when I'd come back from a 2 week vacation. That's what I loved about him...he SHOWED me he cared, he went out of his way to make me laugh and etc."

I'm sorry about how you feel and how it aches for you. It sounds like a "distant" love. Loving from afar. He admires you from a distance but he is fearful of being so close to you. That is excruciatingly painful for alot of people. Some aquas I guess, or just some people, since I dont really believe it is just to aquas but to people with these fearful feelings. They aren't able to express to the people they like immensely and then turn the expression into something "physical" such as playfully tossing stuff at you, like a little child who doesn't understand feelings. He hasn't been shown that kind of love perhaps at an early age.

"I just don't get what changed and I don't think its the because you two work in the same office anymore excuse because he's amazing with the other people in our department...I mean he says like i said before we don't talk but I have tried talking about everything under the sun and he either just sits there or doesn't pay attention or gets distracted and walks away and its like he doesn't do that to everyone else, he's grounded with everyone and I even pointed that out and I never get a reason. It's frustrating. I even told him that I miss the way he used to be...and that when I joined the same department I literally prayed and hoped every day for many months that maybe that was the day the old him would come back and one day after being disappointed that he didn't I gave up and expected nothing out of him, built up a wall that I kept guard"

And perhaps he is so aware of what other people think of him. You have to consider that you both work together and there is the question of "office politics" and not mixing business with pleasure. If he showed you more affection than is what is required, then it will send alarms to other people. They will gossip and form opinions of the both of you.

Have you tried to track down the root cause? Did something happen or did you confess anything to him or do something for him between the time when it was "good" and the time that things went south?

What I'm getting at is there something that could have triggered his change? If you can figure out the reason, perhaps you can address it, fix it, understand it, etc.

Forgive me if this has already been brought up and discussed.

Posted by truecap
Have you tried to track down the root cause? Did something happen or did you confess anything to him or do something for him between the time when it was "good" and the time that things went south?

What I'm getting at is there something that could have triggered his change? If you can figure out the reason, perhaps you can address it, fix it, understand it, etc.

Forgive me if this has already been brought up and discussed.

True cap...I don't know what changed, that's why I've tried asking him so many times. He says it's because "I" stopped talking to him...but I've told him many times, I stopped talking to him when he didn't give a shit that I was there starting DAY ONE. I told him he failed me the first week when he took off socializing with people in other departments leaving me to take care of everything the first week I was there when I was new to his department. He wasn't there to help me, talk to me, explain anything to me and when he was there it was like I wasn't privy to his "club" and he would talk about all this stuff going on with his projects with everyone but me. I never knew why and all that did was make me talk to him less...

If that isn't clear then I don't know what else I can do. I mean even til this day after our talk...sure he's 50% better but he still doesn't act like how he used to back in the day. He still doesn't invite me to lunch, still doesn't ask what's going on with my projects, talk about any thing knew he finds out, talk about his life take interest in my ideas/projects But he's like all of that with everyone else.

So I don't know what the issue is but I want the old him and I know deep down he's there somewhere.

@lisbeth

Love/Like from afar? I doubt it's even that...sure I adore him but I never thought it would be mutual...maybe back then when he did the subtle affection thing but even then maybe he's a touchy person even though I never saw him do that to anyone... I just don't think its like/love from afar. You don't act like a douche to someone you like/love.

And I don't care if he freaked out when he thought something happened to me when I didn't show up one morning, I don't care if he hovers around and is protective like people tell me, I don't care about any of that...none of that matters if he's acts like he doesn't care if I'm around when I'm in the same room. He can freak out when I'm "missing" all he wants...it doesn't matter. If you care about someone you show it to their face.

He needs to show it to my face then maybe I'll believe everyone.

Posted by ScorpioFemale79
@lisbeth

Love/Like from afar? I doubt it's even that...sure I adore him but I never thought it would be mutual...maybe back then when he did the subtle affection thing but even then maybe he's a touchy person even though I never saw him do that to anyone... I just don't think its like/love from afar. You don't act like a douche to someone you like/love.

And I don't care if he freaked out when he thought something happened to me when I didn't show up one morning, I don't care if he hovers around and is protective like people tell me, I don't care about any of that...none of that matters if he's acts like he doesn't care if I'm around when I'm in the same room. He can freak out when I'm "missing" all he wants...it doesn't matter. If you care about someone you show it to their face.

He needs to show it to my face then maybe I'll believe everyone.

I agree. That man, if he isn't the aggressive type and if he's afraid to show himself around other people that he likes you more....should grab your hand and take you in some dark broom closet or something. Hmmm..

anyway um yeah. Definitely get you.

well i just realise that is still aggressive. Lol.... sigh. Because that type DARES.

seriously you have to be the initiator. he seems clueless.

Posted by lisabethur8
well i just realise that is still aggressive. Lol.... sigh. Because that type DARES.

seriously you have to be the initiator. he seems clueless.

He is a secret pervert LOL but he's the shy unsure type plus add in the fact he just doesn't get women. Whatever he learned about women in the past, he assumes ALL women are like that and naturally handles all women the same way. Most of the time he's wrong...like where the hell did he learn that when someone is upset at you that you ignore them ... I am certainly not that way...I wanna talk about it or yell at someone about it lol...but no if I'm upset at him he'll just walk away and give me space that I don't want.

Plus he's a natural shy individual so he has a hard time sometimes just talking to people he doesn't know so he does his usually...throw the same old jokes out there hoping it sticks. So imagine what he must feel when someone he knows doesn't talk to him at that point he REALLY doesn't know what will stick so he doesn't try at all hoping they initiate and he'll feed off of that.

But in this case I'm not going to initiate, I tried...he knows its because he doesn't try so I won't try which means the ball is in his court. Kinda mean especially for a guy who doesn't know what to do under normal circumstances but this will prove how important I am to him...will he muster all the courage he has and do what he's uncomfortable with just to salvage some relationship with me because that's the only way its going to happen because I'm done trying...done looking out for him...done having his back...if he wants help he has to communicate it. If he wants a healthy relationship with me he has to keep up the communication and effort...and etc. if he can sustain the effort then I'll start trusting him enough to where that outweighs the bitterness.

Posted by ScorpioFemale79

Posted by lisabethur8
well i just realise that is still aggressive. Lol.... sigh. Because that type DARES.

seriously you have to be the initiator. he seems clueless.

He is a secret pervert LOL but he's the shy unsure type plus add in the fact he just doesn't get women. Whatever he learned about women in the past, he assumes ALL women are like that and naturally handles all women the same way. Most of the time he's wrong...like where the hell did he learn that when someone is upset at you that you ignore them ... I am certainly not that way...I wanna talk about it or yell at someone about it lol...but no if I'm upset at him he'll just walk away and give me space that I don't want.

Plus he's a natural shy individual so he has a hard time sometimes just talking to people he doesn't know so he does his usually...throw the same old jokes out there hoping it sticks. So imagine what he must feel when someone he knows doesn't talk to him at that point he REALLY doesn't know what will stick so he doesn't try at all hoping they initiate and he'll feed off of that.

But in this case I'm not going to initiate, I tried...he knows its because he doesn't try so I won't try which means the ball is in his court. Kinda mean especially for a guy who doesn't know what to do under normal circumstances but this will prove how important I am to him...will he muster all the courage he has and do what he's uncomfortable with just to salvage some relationship with me because that's the only way its going to happen because I'm done trying...done looking out for him...done having his back...if he wants help he has to communicate it. If he wants a healthy relationship with me he has to keep up the communication and effort...and etc. if he can sustain the effort then I'll start trusting him enough to where that outweighs the bitterness.

click to expand

most men are perverts....lol Even the holier than thou priests. Ok, we'll see how he fares with you putting the ball in his court. I hope you have a good one despite his passivity. Because if something ever happens, like an emotional crisis, I hope to god he doesn't abandon you because he can't deal with conflict. (It just sounds like he might have one of those non-conflict kind of feeling)but i could be wrong. You know him better than us.

@lisbeth

Re: the emotional crisis thing. It's not that he doesn't care its just 1) he assumes that all women wanna be left alone when upset [he's probably been with some shitty women] and 2) he doesn't know what to do under normal circumstances so he usually chooses to do nothing..that doesn't mean he doesn't care internally...he's just unsure of what the right thing to do is.

But yep the ball is in his court. So far he's been decent 50-60% of the time... he just doesn't realize how he comes across the remaining 40% of the time when I'm trying to be silly, I guess he's the type that has to be trained where you reward good behavior with your good behavior and if he's being douche you ignore him lol. Ignoring him or acting like you don't notice is alot better training wise than getting mad at him.

People learn subconsciously I think. He'll realize over time that he has to be a certain way if he wants to get the best side of me.

But so far so good, he's communicating. He's learning to ask me things like the other day we were both in our offices doing our own work and he was walking out of his office to go somewhere in the building and when he walked out (since my office is 2 feet across his) he asked "Having fun?". He hasn't made conversation like that in years and I responded with "Oh yeahhhhhhhhhh (Sarcastically)"

And whenever he leaves to go somewhere he always tells me where he's going (idk why) but I always acknowledge those times as well.

The other day he wanted me to play wiffle ball with him and his work buddy in the hallway.

So he's trying. Though I do realize I may n ever get 100% of the old him back but I'll probably get 75% of the old him back and the 25% rest of his new learned personality.

"So he's trying. Though I do realize I may n ever get 100% of the old him back but I'll probably get 75% of the old him back and the 25% rest of his new learned personality"

I'm glad you understand air alot. Especially if you have air in your chart, it helps.
Air element has difficulty understanding empathy, it is usually because, from what I percieve, the mercurial aspects that give them scattered nervous energy. It is always moving, moving, not focusing and resting their minds. It is difficult and by learned behaviour, it will help, especially since he has never learned this from childhood, or growing up with women in a household perhaps. For some, taking some meditation classes helps ease the mind. There seems to be a kind of selfishness of me me me, which is the ego. Air needs to breathe, needs to continually move in a path that is higher than earth and water, and only fire can fuel it. But since you have air in your chart, you can reach that level as well to bring him down to your understanding.
But that's the astrology side of it. The psychological part of it, you have got it pretty covered; you've observed him very well.

I don't know if there's air in my chart. I don't know what my chart is but you know I didn't always know what was the right thing to do, its taken him being a difficult man and alot of disappointment for me to really wrack my brain and develop my own epiphanies in understanding him and things in life and to regain what I had lost.

I will probably always miss the way he used to be because it was a sudden transition and not a progression over time that's why it's so hard. It's kind of how like if your relatives when they are small kids move away and then they come visit you a few years later and now they are teenagers that are taller than you, and have personalities that are far different than what you experienced when they were kids. That's how it feels. It feels like all of a sudden he was a different man and I felt like where the hell did my old friend go?!!??!?!?!

But like I said he's constantly progressing and trying hard...he still has a tendency to be bleh sometimes but that comes with his lack of experience with females, him being a man, him being a logical man, him being an aqua and his perception of the same situation and how to handle it is a lot different than mine.

But its taking alot of tolerance when he's bleh and takes alot of will to stop and think about what is actually happening here rather than jumping to conclusions and getting upset and disappointed. I'm learning to not be so aware of him and stepping back and letting him figure out things himself and learn how to be there for me and to communicate like we used to. In some ways he naturally took it for granted as I always had this urge to take care of things for him as its my way of showing I care and well, he can't be proactive if I already took care of it for him.

Its tough but I suddenly have more free time now to enjoy the process.

"I will probably always miss the way he used to be because it was a sudden transition and not a progression over time that's why it's so hard. It's kind of how like if your relatives when they are small kids move away and then they come visit you a few years later and now they are teenagers that are taller than you, and have personalities that are far different than what you experienced when they were kids. That's how it feels. It feels like all of a sudden he was a different man and I felt like where the hell did my old friend go?!!??!?!?!"

Lol yeah i get you. It sounds like he's growing from a teenager to a man, kind of.

Yeah he is that's the hard part. I want the old him, that's what drew me to him friendship wise.

I dont know if I like what he's developing into. Sometimes I see parts of the old him.

Posted by ScorpioFemale79
Yeah he is that's the hard part. I want the old him, that's what drew me to him friendship wise.

I dont know if I like what he's developing into. Sometimes I see parts of the old him.

I doubt it ever goes away. He just gets a new "skin" but his old self is always there, maybe pieces of him.

It sounds like you are smothering him with expectations. Like you are throwing a whole bunch of turbulent rain drops onto his Aqua cloud. If he is your friend than stand by him and don't make it about a certain outcome. People evolve all of the time...sometimes for better or worse.