PRChick1845
@PRChick1845
11 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 32 · Topics: 1
Aries woman and Cancer man - need advice!
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The rest of your post dropped off...
WHOOPS - here is the rest: Typical crab went into hiding. Sent me a formal text the next day clarifying that he will not be attending a dinner that night to celebrate my bday with another couple - my friends. I again freaked out and called him 10 times until he picked up and was so nasty to me that I didn't even know whom I was speaking to. Again, he said he can't make me happy, can't give me what I need and want, etc. I asked if we were done and he snapped back "well I wanted more time to think about it but now that you pushed me, YES, we are done." And when I started to cry, he got frustrated and hung up on me.
I was beside myself and an hour later I texted him that his belongings would be downstairs with the doorman. I'm not putting up with that sh-t! The next day he picked up his box and that was it. It's been 3 days since then. He has posted a few things online implying that he needs to learn to love himself in order to fly and other sappy things that teenage girls would post. Lol.
Anyway, sorry this is so long but I am DYING. Crying so much, in pain, wondering if it's really over, etc. Do I chase him? Leave him alone? Advice please - help! And thank you so much 🙂
I was beside myself and an hour later I texted him that his belongings would be downstairs with the doorman. I'm not putting up with that sh-t! The next day he picked up his box and that was it. It's been 3 days since then. He has posted a few things online implying that he needs to learn to love himself in order to fly and other sappy things that teenage girls would post. Lol.
Anyway, sorry this is so long but I am DYING. Crying so much, in pain, wondering if it's really over, etc. Do I chase him? Leave him alone? Advice please - help! And thank you so much 🙂
This is not an issue of your relationship... the issue is you and YOUR NEEDS. A relationship isn't about making each other happy, you should already be that person on your own... and if you can't be happy by yourself how do you expect someone else to make you AND themselves happy if you can't even make yourself happy? It's really unfair.
That being said a relationship is suppose to add to your life not be your life. The point of it is suppose to be to share the time you have available not all of your time. At least in healthy relationships. Yeah he may be busy and you might not be spending a lot of time together but your relationship isn't about the time you don't spend together it should be about the time you do share together. You need to appreciate the little things he does for you or else how are you to ever appreciate the bigger things?
You are looking at him as an object for your own happiness and not like he's an individual human being with his own needs, feeling, and desires. If that were the case you would not expect/demand him to make you priority. Why should he when you don't?
Do you even try to consider how he feels in the whole ordeal about being your sole root to happiness? Because that's what it sounds like. As individuals we make ourselves the priority and there is nothing selfish about that. But to expect and/or demand that someone make YOU priority without consideration of that other persons livilihood (maybe he in order for him to be happy he needs to make an impact in this world and that means being great at what he does in his career) or what that other person wants. THAT is selfish if you ask me.
I mean this in the best way possible but I think you need to reconsider your priorities, work on yourself and making yourself happy first before you expect someone else to and learn to appreciate what you have or else nothing will ever be enough for you and you will always be unhappy because you look for others and things to make you happy when the best way to make yourself happy is by doing it for yourself.
That being said a relationship is suppose to add to your life not be your life. The point of it is suppose to be to share the time you have available not all of your time. At least in healthy relationships. Yeah he may be busy and you might not be spending a lot of time together but your relationship isn't about the time you don't spend together it should be about the time you do share together. You need to appreciate the little things he does for you or else how are you to ever appreciate the bigger things?
You are looking at him as an object for your own happiness and not like he's an individual human being with his own needs, feeling, and desires. If that were the case you would not expect/demand him to make you priority. Why should he when you don't?
Do you even try to consider how he feels in the whole ordeal about being your sole root to happiness? Because that's what it sounds like. As individuals we make ourselves the priority and there is nothing selfish about that. But to expect and/or demand that someone make YOU priority without consideration of that other persons livilihood (maybe he in order for him to be happy he needs to make an impact in this world and that means being great at what he does in his career) or what that other person wants. THAT is selfish if you ask me.
I mean this in the best way possible but I think you need to reconsider your priorities, work on yourself and making yourself happy first before you expect someone else to and learn to appreciate what you have or else nothing will ever be enough for you and you will always be unhappy because you look for others and things to make you happy when the best way to make yourself happy is by doing it for yourself.
Xtina - I can't say I disagree with you 100% so thank you for that... it was eye-opening. Just know that I really do have an active and happy life apart from this man (I am always busy too - that's why and how I know his work busy-ness is to the extreme) but I suppose I really do rely on him too much for my happiness overall. Thank you again for taking the time to write this out - really appreciate it.
SO Caster721, you think I should go to him? Don't you think he needs time to cool off? He broke up with ME though... why am I chasing him?
Posted by PRChick1845
Xtina - I can't say I disagree with you 100% so thank you for that... it was eye-opening. Just know that I really do have an active and happy life apart from this man (I am always busy too - that's why and how I know his work busy-ness is to the extreme) but I suppose I really do rely on him too much for my happiness overall. Thank you again for taking the time to write this out - really appreciate it.
Yes, but something must be missing from your life in order for you to expect that much from him and react in such a way when really he did nothing wrong. He seems like a good guy. It doesn't seem like he treats you badly (verbal, mental abuse). You said it yourself he's trying yet you expect him to give you a fairy tale that is not real and unrealistic.
Honestly, I think it has to do with getting to know yourself. Yeah, you have an active fulfilled life with a careeer, loving friends and family but it does not mean you love yourself or are happy with yourself. In fact, everything you've posted screams otherwise. You need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you are unhappy. IME it's because people don't know themselves well enough to know why because they never spent enough quality time with themselves i.e. alone time.
I'm only saying based from similar personal experiences.
Lastly, you are his girlfriend but that does not entitle you to his whole life.
IMO the best long lasting relationships are one where there is balance... and balance can have many definitions. But the key is that both partners are aware and considerate of the other partners feelings. He's obviously aware of yours. Are you aware of his?
IMO the best long lasting relationships are one where there is balance... and balance can have many definitions. But the key is that both partners are aware and considerate of the other partners feelings. He's obviously aware of yours. Are you aware of his?
Posted by CluelessCancer
also you nagging and annoying him to hang out with you, jesus christ, get some self esteem. ewww....
look men listen to action not words...if he's not hanging out with you...find someone else to hang out with...he'll find you.
+100
Ok this whole thing got a bit out of hand. First, CluelessCancer, don't be a d-ck. That's uncalled for and rude.
Everyone else who is being kind enough to offer advice (thank you!) I do appreciate the little things he does and trust me, all I do is dote on him and make his life very, very easy, special and filled with a lot of love. He has a good girlfriend who treats him like a king, truly feels and tells him that he is the funniest, smartest, most handsome man in the world, and cherishes the time we spend together. Perhaps I didn't explain this all to the best of my ability, but HE was the one saying he needs to work on himself and his self-esteem (he's had a tough life to say the least) and our relationship is a lot more one-sided with me doing a lot of the giving - which I don't mind as I adore this man and tend to fit into the more nurturing role. BUT that's also where resentment comes up when he starts to disappear and go back into his shell during the work week when he's stressed, souper busy, etc. We always talk about his issues and problems and not much about me (bc I am fortunate to truly not have many)and it hurts during the week when he pours his whole life into his work when we just spent all weekend talking and him complaining about it. ALL I want is for him to give me a bit more of his time during the week... and I have said this calmly and reasonably before, I really have.
Everyone else who is being kind enough to offer advice (thank you!) I do appreciate the little things he does and trust me, all I do is dote on him and make his life very, very easy, special and filled with a lot of love. He has a good girlfriend who treats him like a king, truly feels and tells him that he is the funniest, smartest, most handsome man in the world, and cherishes the time we spend together. Perhaps I didn't explain this all to the best of my ability, but HE was the one saying he needs to work on himself and his self-esteem (he's had a tough life to say the least) and our relationship is a lot more one-sided with me doing a lot of the giving - which I don't mind as I adore this man and tend to fit into the more nurturing role. BUT that's also where resentment comes up when he starts to disappear and go back into his shell during the work week when he's stressed, souper busy, etc. We always talk about his issues and problems and not much about me (bc I am fortunate to truly not have many)and it hurts during the week when he pours his whole life into his work when we just spent all weekend talking and him complaining about it. ALL I want is for him to give me a bit more of his time during the week... and I have said this calmly and reasonably before, I really have.
And also to just be a little more selfless and ask how my day was and remember the little things that come up in my life during the week that are important, as I do with his. He forgets that sometimes other people in this world have issues and concerns and things going on - and he just gets very wrapped up in his own.
Xtina is giving the best advice on your question.
Ignore Clueless. "CC" in her case stands for "Cray Cray"
Ignore Clueless. "CC" in her case stands for "Cray Cray"
Where did forgetting birthdays fall into this? Can someone explain?
Posted by xtina
Where did forgetting birthdays fall into this? Can someone explain?
I must have missed that in the OPs posts.
Sorry, my post got cut off - here is the rest: WHOOPS - here is the rest: Typical crab went into hiding. Sent me a formal text the next day clarifying that he will not be attending a dinner that night to celebrate my bday with another couple - my friends. I again freaked out and called him 10 times until he picked up and was so nasty to me that I didn't even know whom I was speaking to. Again, he said he can't make me happy, can't give me what I need and want, etc. I asked if we were done and he snapped back "well I wanted more time to think about it but now that you pushed me, YES, we are done." And when I started to cry, he got frustrated and hung up on me.
I was beside myself and an hour later I texted him that his belongings would be downstairs with the doorman. I'm not putting up with that sh-t! The next day he picked up his box and that was it. It's been 3 days since then. He has posted a few things online implying that he needs to learn to love himself in order to fly and other sappy things.
Anyway, sorry this is so long but I am DYING. Crying so much, in pain, wondering if it's really over, etc. Do I chase him? Leave him alone? Advice please - help! And thank you so much
I was beside myself and an hour later I texted him that his belongings would be downstairs with the doorman. I'm not putting up with that sh-t! The next day he picked up his box and that was it. It's been 3 days since then. He has posted a few things online implying that he needs to learn to love himself in order to fly and other sappy things.
Anyway, sorry this is so long but I am DYING. Crying so much, in pain, wondering if it's really over, etc. Do I chase him? Leave him alone? Advice please - help! And thank you so much
Thank you, Caster, this is helpful... he's divorced and has some major family issues, so I understand him needing to take it slow, and I love him inside and out. He marvels at the fact that with EVERYTHING he has shared with me (pretty early on too so he must have known he felt safe with me) that I still want to be with him and accept him for who he is. That's not the issue. It's just oneeeee small tweak that needs to be made on his end and when I tried to address it (albeit not in the best way over text) he couldn't take it. That's not fair to me either. I just want to shake him and remind him that he is not the only person in the world and that I need/want the same attention, love and support from him that I provide from my end!
@ Casrter +100
Seems like your man is really trying PRC... yes, he missed your birthday. But he's human, not some knight in shining armor. Those only exist in movies, fairytales, and in the minds of some deluded women.
Give him a break. You're life is perfect. Help him make his perfect (you already said he had problems in his life), stop being selfish and be patient.
Don't chase. Let the man be and let him sort out his life in his own way. It's his life! MUY IMPORTANTE! If you really loved him then you would want him to be happy in his life and happy in general. And it does not seem he's there yet. And you wanting him to carry the burden of fixing his life and then trying to listen to your perfect one? Sorry but that is really selfish.
If you were completely satisfied and happy with your own life I don't see why you would need someone even a s/o to listen to your problems or it being a problem doing what I said above. But if it is then you really need to reevaluate yourself and your life.
Seems like your man is really trying PRC... yes, he missed your birthday. But he's human, not some knight in shining armor. Those only exist in movies, fairytales, and in the minds of some deluded women.
Give him a break. You're life is perfect. Help him make his perfect (you already said he had problems in his life), stop being selfish and be patient.
Don't chase. Let the man be and let him sort out his life in his own way. It's his life! MUY IMPORTANTE! If you really loved him then you would want him to be happy in his life and happy in general. And it does not seem he's there yet. And you wanting him to carry the burden of fixing his life and then trying to listen to your perfect one? Sorry but that is really selfish.
If you were completely satisfied and happy with your own life I don't see why you would need someone even a s/o to listen to your problems or it being a problem doing what I said above. But if it is then you really need to reevaluate yourself and your life.
I don't need someone to call me and ask about my problems/"perfect" life (not said by me 🙂) - again, that's not what I am saying! It's the consideration of being someone's significant other to think it's pretty normal to like your man to call just because they wanted to see how your day was going, hear your voice, say they are thinking about you, etc. To be a little selfless and want to connect with the other person about THEIR life and day. Most of our convos are about him and his problems/complaints/thoughts on the day, and then he's ready to wrap it up. That's all - I just want more of his attention during the work week whereas he gets my attention all 7 days of the week consistently.
Posted by PRChick1845
Thank you, Caster, this is helpful... he's divorced and has some major family issues, so I understand him needing to take it slow, and I love him inside and out. He marvels at the fact that with EVERYTHING he has shared with me (pretty early on too so he must have known he felt safe with me) that I still want to be with him and accept him for who he is. That's not the issue. It's just oneeeee small tweak that needs to be made on his end and when I tried to address it (albeit not in the best way over text) he couldn't take it. That's not fair to me either. I just want to shake him and remind him that he is not the only person in the world and that I need/want the same attention, love and support from him that I provide from my end!
Don't give then if you're not getting in return or if you're not willing to not getting anything in return, which is obvious that you're not cause you're trying to "tweak" that one thing.
I'm just saying from personal experience. I'm with a Cancer man and you know what we're happy. And he's going through something very similar to your man he's figuring his shit out. I let him.
BUT
The key difference is I only give when I don't expect anything in return... which is everytime. Because honestly I don't need anything else in my life to make it happier right now. I am happy with or with out him, but I want him in my life.
And trust me everything I've given to him he's given 10 folds in return. And I never once had to tell him how he needs to treat me or that he needs to do this or that. I mean I've put him in his place before lol but never anything about attention and shit.
I don't need to. I don't need anything from him. He gives when he wants what he wants and he does just fine... more than, he does great. It's because I don't force or push it. I let him go at his pace and we're both the happier for it 🙂.
I get what you're saying PR I'm just saying NOBODY is perfect so why are you expecting him to be? Why are you so upset over something that is honestly not a big deal? Need attention give it to yourself. Go hang out with your friends or family.
You basically said other than that he's been perfect right? So why can't you accept him for what he is meaning and including what he gives you i.e. attention,
Just because you give doesn't mean you will get. And I know it's something you just want him to work on but I don't think it's even a big deal (unless you have severe self-esteem issues) compared to him figuring out his life. Do you know how hard that can be to juggle? Making someone else happy while trying to figure out your life?
It's not easy. And to boot you want him to be more considerate and give you a little more attention? He said it himself thats why he wants to take a break so he can figure his life out. I think that's fair. He's being honest he can't figure out his life and give you everything you want. Yet you still want him to try to juggle both? He said he can't do both. You want him to choose you over his life?
Think about it. You're being selfish.
You basically said other than that he's been perfect right? So why can't you accept him for what he is meaning and including what he gives you i.e. attention,
Just because you give doesn't mean you will get. And I know it's something you just want him to work on but I don't think it's even a big deal (unless you have severe self-esteem issues) compared to him figuring out his life. Do you know how hard that can be to juggle? Making someone else happy while trying to figure out your life?
It's not easy. And to boot you want him to be more considerate and give you a little more attention? He said it himself thats why he wants to take a break so he can figure his life out. I think that's fair. He's being honest he can't figure out his life and give you everything you want. Yet you still want him to try to juggle both? He said he can't do both. You want him to choose you over his life?
Think about it. You're being selfish.
Posted by xtina
This is not an issue of your relationship... the issue is you and YOUR NEEDS. A relationship isn't about making each other happy, you should already be that person on your own... and if you can't be happy by yourself how do you expect someone else to make you AND themselves happy if you can't even make yourself happy? It's really unfair.
That being said a relationship is suppose to add to your life not be your life. The point of it is suppose to be to share the time you have available not all of your time. At least in healthy relationships. Yeah he may be busy and you might not be spending a lot of time together but your relationship isn't about the time you don't spend together it should be about the time you do share together. You need to appreciate the little things he does for you or else how are you to ever appreciate the bigger things?
You are looking at him as an object for your own happiness and not like he's an individual human being with his own needs, feeling, and desires. If that were the case you would not expect/demand him to make you priority. Why should he when you don't?
Do you even try to consider how he feels in the whole ordeal about being your sole root to happiness? Because that's what it sounds like. As individuals we make ourselves the priority and there is nothing selfish about that. But to expect and/or demand that someone make YOU priority without consideration of that other persons livilihood (maybe he in order for him to be happy he needs to make an impact in this world and that means being great at what he does in his career) or what that other person wants. THAT is selfish if you ask me.
I mean this in the best way possible but I think you need to reconsider your priorities, work on yourself and making yourself happy first before you expect someone else to and learn to appreciate what you have or else nothing will ever be enough for you and you will always be unhappy because you look for others and things to make you happy when the best way to make yourself happy is by doing it for yourself.
+1 million...amen honey, she just went to church up in here lol
Sounds like no matter what he does, you will never be satisfied....
Posted by CancerOnTheCusp
Xtina is giving the best advice on your question.
Woot!Woot! *Does the happy dance*
Posted by tiki33
+1 million...amen honey, she just went to church up in here lolclick to expand
Hey Tiki! I don't know if you remember me but umm... I'm like your biggest fan 😄
Posted by CluelessCancer
also you nagging and annoying him to hang out with you, jesus christ, get some self esteem. ewww....
look men listen to action not words...if he's not hanging out with you...find someone else to hang out with...he'll find you.
CC can be a lil ruff around the edges with some of her posts, but I feel she was spot on with the above post...
@PRC from Aries chick to Aries chick... you know he's a good guy. I think from what I've read he seems like a good guy. But, trust me you may think you need this attention right now. Girl you don't. You give yourself the attention. Buy yourself flower. Treat yourself to a nice massage. It helps 😄.
Trust me if you are patient and just let him do what he needs to do to figure out his life he will come around. And all that loving you felt when he gave you attention will be magnified. Because... when he's ready and able.... OOOOOoowee is the Cancer man loving the best in the world. And trust me it is worth the wait 😉.
You know what I'm talking about. It will come I promise. Just be patient!
Trust me if you are patient and just let him do what he needs to do to figure out his life he will come around. And all that loving you felt when he gave you attention will be magnified. Because... when he's ready and able.... OOOOOoowee is the Cancer man loving the best in the world. And trust me it is worth the wait 😉.
You know what I'm talking about. It will come I promise. Just be patient!
Posted by CluelessCancerPosted by xtina
@CC not blaming the woman, just trying to be fair... it's her self esteem and you know it too.
She pushes him away with her clingness and neediness, but look when you have to tell a guy to spend time with you something is wrong.
You're right she's fighting a battle with herself, she shouldn't even be with this guy, she treats him like a king, gives him everything, he doesn't do anything for her, even didn't go to her birthday celebration.
whose the man in the relationship? This is a case of woman doing too much. Man doing too little. You need to ease way back. Almost to a stop to get some self respect back.
Atleast she's not like that Scorp on the Capricorn forum, asking why he didn't text me back the one day a Cappie she's FWB didn't text her back.
jesus christ the neediness is upsetting.
click to expand
Yes, but to be fair he's figuring out his life. If she doesn't want a "loser" like that she should leave him. And I don't think he's not doing enough on his end she said a couple times that he was. It was as she said that one "tweak" she wanted to fix. Which indicates to me he's trying his best and it's not enough for her.
XTina, I am just asking for advice and help - I don't KNOW what to do in this situation - that's why I've reached out. And the reason I haven't yet acted is because I am not looking to hurt him, but to come from a place of love, because he means so much to me.
I was going to send him a card with a joke on it that has special meaning to us and just keep it light-hearted. To imply I know he's going through a lot and to leave the door open for us down the roas.
But does that make me a pathetic sucker who is saying "no problem, push me away when you need to and treat me unfairly but I'll still be here when you need me - so treat me however you want!" I don't know what my next move should be, if anything.
I was going to send him a card with a joke on it that has special meaning to us and just keep it light-hearted. To imply I know he's going through a lot and to leave the door open for us down the roas.
But does that make me a pathetic sucker who is saying "no problem, push me away when you need to and treat me unfairly but I'll still be here when you need me - so treat me however you want!" I don't know what my next move should be, if anything.
XTINA, YOU ARE AN ARIES?! Jesus, why didn't you say that from the beginning? Lol.
PRChick
If he can't love himself, how in the hell can he love anybody else? He can't love you anymore than he can and it seems he's struggling with it. He's stuck in this place where he's trying to love himself so he can love you, what a miserable space to be in.
You're responsible for pulling back some if the relationship is one-sided. If it's one-sided it's because you allowed it to be that way and the neglect you feel is a direct measure of you giving too much and getting little in return.
Typically the one doing all the giving unfortunately comes across thirsty and desperate for love but realistically you're supposed to feel that way if you're doing all the relationship work and doing all the giving.
You can't force nor make a man love you. What you can do is back off and focus on your life, focus on the things that breathe life into you and GIVE BACK TO YOU and make you feel appreciated and loved.
You don't keep throwing good after the bad. You don't keep giving and giving and giving at the detriment of losing yourself and losing your sense of well being and self esteem. You don't keep giving even when you feel slighted, unappreciated and neglected.
Your biggest mistake is loving him MORE than you love yourself because any time you worship a man and continue to love him despite how he's treating you is a direct indication of you not loving yourself.
You're giving too much CREATES selfishness in a man b/c he begins to realize he's the only that matters in the relationship. The relationship ceases to exist as a partnership when you drown yourself out so he can feel appreciated and loved.
When you continue to be invisible in a relationship by making it all about him he will NEVER see you nor see your needs b/c it's all about him.
You've encouraged this Narcissism and selfishness by choosing to make it all about him and by choosing to be invisible just so he can talk about himself and talk about his problems.
You spent a whole weekend talking about months of neglect and I'm sure he's exhausted. Who really wants to spend another long marathon talk over the weekend. You basically helped him walk out the door.
You want more than he can give. Why not accept what you can receive and fulfill your needs some other kind of way without attempting to get more out of him b/c trying to get more out of a relationship will only serve to push him out and away from you.
If he can't love himself, how in the hell can he love anybody else? He can't love you anymore than he can and it seems he's struggling with it. He's stuck in this place where he's trying to love himself so he can love you, what a miserable space to be in.
You're responsible for pulling back some if the relationship is one-sided. If it's one-sided it's because you allowed it to be that way and the neglect you feel is a direct measure of you giving too much and getting little in return.
Typically the one doing all the giving unfortunately comes across thirsty and desperate for love but realistically you're supposed to feel that way if you're doing all the relationship work and doing all the giving.
You can't force nor make a man love you. What you can do is back off and focus on your life, focus on the things that breathe life into you and GIVE BACK TO YOU and make you feel appreciated and loved.
You don't keep throwing good after the bad. You don't keep giving and giving and giving at the detriment of losing yourself and losing your sense of well being and self esteem. You don't keep giving even when you feel slighted, unappreciated and neglected.
Your biggest mistake is loving him MORE than you love yourself because any time you worship a man and continue to love him despite how he's treating you is a direct indication of you not loving yourself.
You're giving too much CREATES selfishness in a man b/c he begins to realize he's the only that matters in the relationship. The relationship ceases to exist as a partnership when you drown yourself out so he can feel appreciated and loved.
When you continue to be invisible in a relationship by making it all about him he will NEVER see you nor see your needs b/c it's all about him.
You've encouraged this Narcissism and selfishness by choosing to make it all about him and by choosing to be invisible just so he can talk about himself and talk about his problems.
You spent a whole weekend talking about months of neglect and I'm sure he's exhausted. Who really wants to spend another long marathon talk over the weekend. You basically helped him walk out the door.
You want more than he can give. Why not accept what you can receive and fulfill your needs some other kind of way without attempting to get more out of him b/c trying to get more out of a relationship will only serve to push him out and away from you.
Posted by PRChick1845
XTina, I am just asking for advice and help - I don't KNOW what to do in this situation - that's why I've reached out. And the reason I haven't yet acted is because I am not looking to hurt him, but to come from a place of love, because he means so much to me.
I was going to send him a card with a joke on it that has special meaning to us and just keep it light-hearted. To imply I know he's going through a lot and to leave the door open for us down the roas.
But does that make me a pathetic sucker who is saying "no problem, push me away when you need to and treat me unfairly but I'll still be here when you need me - so treat me however you want!" I don't know what my next move should be, if anything.
Nope, nope absolutely not. That is why I said leave him be (sorry got lost in all the convoluted-ness T-T). Let him figure out his shit. You don't need to send no damn cutesy card. Wait until he comes to you.
I'm not saying the way he treated you was right. Of course not. I was pointing at the bigger picture.
Because you can make him apologize for that shit but it won't change the dynamic of your relationship.
Posted by PRChick1845
XTINA, YOU ARE AN ARIES?! Jesus, why didn't you say that from the beginning? Lol.
OPPS Sorry I just always assume people read my avi -_-... sowie
Posted by xtinaPosted by PRChick1845
XTINA, YOU ARE AN ARIES?! Jesus, why didn't you say that from the beginning? Lol.
OPPS Sorry I just always assume people read my avi -_-... sowieclick to expand
OH YEAH! So that's why I feel like I understand your situation so well... been there done that. But, with a Leo sun/ Cancer moon guy lol.
Tiki33 and XTina, can I carry you both around in my pocket? This is incredible, eye-opening advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's so ironic too - I would NEVER let my friends act the way I am acting - pining away and wishing for a guy that didn't totally love himself and most likely definitely not loving my friend.
I just really care about and love this man. I saw a future with him and I cherished him to the moon and back... and lost myself in the process.
So I just sit back now and do nothing?
I just really care about and love this man. I saw a future with him and I cherished him to the moon and back... and lost myself in the process.
So I just sit back now and do nothing?
Posted by tiki33
PRChick
If he can't love himself, how in the hell can he love anybody else? He can't love you anymore than he can and it seems he's struggling with it. He's stuck in this place where he's trying to love himself so he can love you, what a miserable space to be in.
You're responsible for pulling back some if the relationship is one-sided. If it's one-sided it's because you allowed it to be that way and the neglect you feel is a direct measure of you giving too much and getting little in return.
Typically the one doing all the giving unfortunately comes across thirsty and desperate for love but realistically you're supposed to feel that way if you're doing all the relationship work and doing all the giving.
You can't force nor make a man love you. What you can do is back off and focus on your life, focus on the things that breathe life into you and GIVE BACK TO YOU and make you feel appreciated and loved.
You don't keep throwing good after the bad. You don't keep giving and giving and giving at the detriment of losing yourself and losing your sense of well being and self esteem. You don't keep giving even when you feel slighted, unappreciated and neglected.
Your biggest mistake is loving him MORE than you love yourself because any time you worship a man and continue to love him despite how he's treating you is a direct indication of you not loving yourself.
You're giving too much CREATES selfishness in a man b/c he begins to realize he's the only that matters in the relationship. The relationship ceases to exist as a partnership when you drown yourself out so he can feel appreciated and loved.
When you continue to be invisible in a relationship by making it all about him he will NEVER see you nor see your needs b/c it's all about him.
You've encouraged this Narcissism and selfishness by choosing to make it all about him and by choosing to be invisible just so he can talk about himself and talk about his problems.
You spent a whole weekend talking about months of neglect and I'm sure he's exhausted. Who really wants to spend another long marathon talk over the weekend. You basically helped him walk out the door.
You want more than he can give. Why not accept what you can receive and fulfill your needs some other kind of way without attempting to get more out of him b/c trying to get more out of a relationship will only serve to push h
I don't believe it's over but use this time to get yourself together while he's gone. When he comes back, lean back some, stop doing all the relationship work all by yourself.
Create a safe space for yourself to feel loved in other areas of your life and be conscious and aware of having BALANCE between the both of you.
When you give a few times then it's time to ease up, lean back, stop giving and give him the opportunity to give back to you and if he doesn't give back then he may not be a good match for you which gives you an opportunity to resolve the matter for yourself.
You feel needy because you give way too much and get virtually nothing in return. Stop doing that, that kind of behavior causes problems.
Create a safe space for yourself to feel loved in other areas of your life and be conscious and aware of having BALANCE between the both of you.
When you give a few times then it's time to ease up, lean back, stop giving and give him the opportunity to give back to you and if he doesn't give back then he may not be a good match for you which gives you an opportunity to resolve the matter for yourself.
You feel needy because you give way too much and get virtually nothing in return. Stop doing that, that kind of behavior causes problems.
Holy mother of gawd... this is why I do this...
when I first started here at DXP TIKI you were a total inspiration to me thank you 😄
Posted by PRChick1845
Tiki33 and XTina, can I carry you both around in my pocket? This is incredible, eye-opening advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's so ironic too - I would NEVER let my friends act the way I am acting - pining away and wishing for a guy that didn't totally love himself and most likely definitely not loving my friend.
I just really care about and love this man. I saw a future with him and I cherished him to the moon and back... and lost myself in the process.
So I just sit back now and do nothing?
Eh we can only connect the dots in hindsight... it's easier to see from an objective point of view.
Don't beat yourself up over this. But what Tiki said was right. Take this time for yourself. In fact, take this time to help yourself become more self aware only so you don't walk into this blindly again. Self-awareness is the key. It will help you not only understand youself and him better, but it will help you understand the situation better.
And he's been putting these things up on his social media channels - spiritual-type (he's a total softie and I love it) mantras about learning to love yourself before giving yourself to another, etc. It's sweet if not so sad because I know the pain he's going through and the need for him to get through this.
Posted by xtina
Holy mother of gawd... this is why I do this...
when I first started here at DXP TIKI you were a total inspiration to me thank you 😄
Awww thanks XTINA, to inspire and support one another is why I'm still here.
Typical impatient Aries.lol. Girl what the hell were you thinking trying to davel with a Cancer, they move slowest of the whole zodiac, maybe even slower than a damn Taurus, which will obviously irritate the fast-—keep up?? attitude of an Aries. At least with a Taurus he would??ve ignored your ass, and you could??ve called until you were blue in the face and he still wouldn't budge, they are soooo stubborn you wouldn't have had no choice but to give him space. But with a Cancer if you push and push and try to tug them while they are in their shell, well you get what you got; a lashing out, mean response from someone that needed time to themselves.
I get that he was your man and you only wanted attention, however stomping your little feet and lashing out is not the way to get it, certainly not from a damn cancer lol. Any feeling of attack, they attack back and then retreat like the victim ALWAYS; whether they are right or wrong. In their eyes, you are wrong for calling them out all the time. Sheesh what more do you want —leave me alone??, is most likely what he's thinking. Sadly this way of thinking won't last if you say the right words with sincerity dripping off of them. He can forgive the moment you say sorry and he believes you mean it. Otherwise be prepared for the silent treatment if it hasn't already started lol.
I don't like this sign with mines, I??ll just be honest. They are better as friends in my opinion. A fiery, blunt, fast pace Aries has NO business going after the sensitive, caring, and moody Cancer. You will always be frustrated and confused, and if you act like you been acting, well lets just say this is only scene one of how things will be from now on. lol
I get that he was your man and you only wanted attention, however stomping your little feet and lashing out is not the way to get it, certainly not from a damn cancer lol. Any feeling of attack, they attack back and then retreat like the victim ALWAYS; whether they are right or wrong. In their eyes, you are wrong for calling them out all the time. Sheesh what more do you want —leave me alone??, is most likely what he's thinking. Sadly this way of thinking won't last if you say the right words with sincerity dripping off of them. He can forgive the moment you say sorry and he believes you mean it. Otherwise be prepared for the silent treatment if it hasn't already started lol.
I don't like this sign with mines, I??ll just be honest. They are better as friends in my opinion. A fiery, blunt, fast pace Aries has NO business going after the sensitive, caring, and moody Cancer. You will always be frustrated and confused, and if you act like you been acting, well lets just say this is only scene one of how things will be from now on. lol
Posted by CluelessCancer
also you nagging and annoying him to hang out with you, jesus christ, get some self esteem. ewww....
look men listen to action not words...if he's not hanging out with you...find someone else to hang out with...he'll find you.
Lately i've agreed with alot of your comments. I'm taking this lol
PRChick
Get off the social media sites. Give yourself at least 36 hours down time.
You need insight so going forward you will feel more empowered to have a healthier outlook on your situation.
One of the main issues is you hover and you smother. Let me clarify. You may not hover and smother intentionally, you may not even know you're doing it but it seems you do it not just from a distance like you're doing now but when you don't feel you're getting reciprocation from him as well.
Give the guy a break and give yourself a break.
You see, if you keep doing what you're doing ie fixating over him, thinking about him constantly, checking behind his every move daily will only make you feel uneasy, insecure, unhappy, anxious, steadily dwelling in bad feelings and all of those feelings will be what HE FEELS when he chooses to come back and then he'll wonder why he even came back b/c you haven't changed.
When you love a man you let him go and when you let go it doesn't mean you forget him and don't love him anymore, it means you love him enough to let him figure things out for himself.
What you're doing isn't love. The nagging about YOU and YOU'RE FEELINGS is not love. Begging for more love isn't love. Hovering is not love. Smothering a man to get another ounce of love back is not love. Being impatient is not love. Male worship is not love.
Everything you think you're doing out of love does not feel like love to him, it feels like pressure, like desperation and neediness which is one reason why he's gone.
Your impatience, your nagging need to be glued to his hip, your nagging energy to give and give to get a little more, you're neediness to control him, your deep empty well unmet needs will be the death of this union.
You must get yourself under control. Meditate, do something to connect with YOU not him so you can feel good again. Feeling good should not have anything to do with him. Your happiness and the way you feel is your responsibility not his.
Get off those websites. Stop making it all about him and how he feels or he'll never be able to connect to your feelings, he won't connect with you and thus nothing will have changed. He'll still be selfish and you'll still feel emotionally neglected.
If he doesn't love himself then he's not in an emotionally healthy space which can make it really hard to love you and give to you. If he's not healthy emotionally then he cannot give you what you want right now.
His not loving
Get off the social media sites. Give yourself at least 36 hours down time.
You need insight so going forward you will feel more empowered to have a healthier outlook on your situation.
One of the main issues is you hover and you smother. Let me clarify. You may not hover and smother intentionally, you may not even know you're doing it but it seems you do it not just from a distance like you're doing now but when you don't feel you're getting reciprocation from him as well.
Give the guy a break and give yourself a break.
You see, if you keep doing what you're doing ie fixating over him, thinking about him constantly, checking behind his every move daily will only make you feel uneasy, insecure, unhappy, anxious, steadily dwelling in bad feelings and all of those feelings will be what HE FEELS when he chooses to come back and then he'll wonder why he even came back b/c you haven't changed.
When you love a man you let him go and when you let go it doesn't mean you forget him and don't love him anymore, it means you love him enough to let him figure things out for himself.
What you're doing isn't love. The nagging about YOU and YOU'RE FEELINGS is not love. Begging for more love isn't love. Hovering is not love. Smothering a man to get another ounce of love back is not love. Being impatient is not love. Male worship is not love.
Everything you think you're doing out of love does not feel like love to him, it feels like pressure, like desperation and neediness which is one reason why he's gone.
Your impatience, your nagging need to be glued to his hip, your nagging energy to give and give to get a little more, you're neediness to control him, your deep empty well unmet needs will be the death of this union.
You must get yourself under control. Meditate, do something to connect with YOU not him so you can feel good again. Feeling good should not have anything to do with him. Your happiness and the way you feel is your responsibility not his.
Get off those websites. Stop making it all about him and how he feels or he'll never be able to connect to your feelings, he won't connect with you and thus nothing will have changed. He'll still be selfish and you'll still feel emotionally neglected.
If he doesn't love himself then he's not in an emotionally healthy space which can make it really hard to love you and give to you. If he's not healthy emotionally then he cannot give you what you want right now.
His not loving
His not loving himself has nothing to do with you and you can't fix him by giving him more and more love so he can love himself so he can love you.
You must take a break, take a step back and take a few weeks to change the unhealthy habits you've developed with him and developed over him
It seems worse than what it really is. He'll be fine, you'll be okay, he'll be back, and things will smooth itself out on it's own time until then focus on your happiness so you can feel good again.
If you want to be the one to reach out first then you must get emotionally focused and feel emotionally balanced and happy again before you attempt to connect.
You must take a break, take a step back and take a few weeks to change the unhealthy habits you've developed with him and developed over him
It seems worse than what it really is. He'll be fine, you'll be okay, he'll be back, and things will smooth itself out on it's own time until then focus on your happiness so you can feel good again.
If you want to be the one to reach out first then you must get emotionally focused and feel emotionally balanced and happy again before you attempt to connect.
Xtina makes some excellent points about emotional self-sufficiency. However, one year into this relationship and he's still doing the back & forth thingy. See for me, this would be end game. If I'm going to invest the crazy amount of time, heart and energy into a man, he's gotta be 100% invested in the relationship. I realize some people want less out of their relationships. Aren't looking for more. But you're unhappy because your needs aren't getting met in this relationship. You're entitled to a man who will love you for you and be emotionally available in the relationship. Yes, it does sound like he's got some unresolved issues from his past but who past the age of 25 can't say that? There's being patient and then there's being dumb. If you want a full engaged relationship with a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, it sounds like you need to go fishing again. You need to ask yourself how long you're willing to ride out a relationship that never seems to reach solid ground. See, this is where us ladies do go needy and controlling. We know we're not getting the real commitment and our counter-productive ways are the last ditch effort to save a sinking ship. I think you deserve more than this man can give and I suspect you're selling yourself short by staying here. One year. That's what really sticks in my craw here.
Posted by pinklibra
I don't like this sign with mines, I??ll just be honest. They are better as friends in my opinion. A fiery, blunt, fast pace Aries has NO business going after the sensitive, caring, and moody Cancer.
I'll have to agree with you here. I can't ever see myself pairing up with a Libra woman. Not because I dislike them, but some of their operating modes (at least most of the ones I've known well) clash with my sense of fair play. No offense, but I tend to find them to be manipulators and I'd rather not deal with it.
I think between the two cardinal matches, Aries has a better chance than Libra with a Cancer man if they can temper that impatience as you pointed out.
Yep, Tiki, I pretty much dug my own grave... my mother would kill me if she knew how much I was giving and giving and giving... the man always had clean laundry at my apartment including a supply of PJ pants and slippers I bought for him to keep at my place, he had coffee made for him every morning, he lounged around my home for as long as he wanted(my apartment is much bigger and nicer than his so he was comfortable, I planned a whole amazing song and dance for his bday last year, the list goes on and on. And he was too scared to call me his "girlfriend." Never said it once. There wasn't anyone else, of that I am sure, but he just wasn't ever giving me his 100% . And my god it's all I wanted. SO badly (as it shows.)
I am not bashing him because he is a good man and was amazingly kind to me and my dog... I mean, I fell in love with him during the second month of us dating. But he's let me down numerous times with cancelled plans or forgotten plans at the least, and it hurts. It's not fair. I still look at him with googly eyes but have also definitely put him in his place a few times he has gotten cranky with me (and one of those times I came home to a huge apology and flowers - which is interesting based on the comments in this conversation.
I am going to get my sh-t back together where I am my own #1 and he can get busy fixing and learning to love himself. You're right - I can't save him, I can only save myself.
I am not bashing him because he is a good man and was amazingly kind to me and my dog... I mean, I fell in love with him during the second month of us dating. But he's let me down numerous times with cancelled plans or forgotten plans at the least, and it hurts. It's not fair. I still look at him with googly eyes but have also definitely put him in his place a few times he has gotten cranky with me (and one of those times I came home to a huge apology and flowers - which is interesting based on the comments in this conversation.
I am going to get my sh-t back together where I am my own #1 and he can get busy fixing and learning to love himself. You're right - I can't save him, I can only save myself.
Posted by Este8
Xtina makes some excellent points about emotional self-sufficiency. However, one year into this relationship and he's still doing the back & forth thingy. See for me, this would be end game. If I'm going to invest the crazy amount of time, heart and energy into a man, he's gotta be 100% invested in the relationship. I realize some people want less out of their relationships. Aren't looking for more. But you're unhappy because your needs aren't getting met in this relationship. You're entitled to a man who will love you for you and be emotionally available in the relationship. Yes, it does sound like he's got some unresolved issues from his past but who past the age of 25 can't say that? There's being patient and then there's being dumb. If you want a full engaged relationship with a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, it sounds like you need to go fishing again. You need to ask yourself how long you're willing to ride out a relationship that never seems to reach solid ground. See, this is where us ladies do go needy and controlling. We know we're not getting the real commitment and our counter-productive ways are the last ditch effort to save a sinking ship. I think you deserve more than this man can give and I suspect you're selling yourself short by staying here. One year. That's what really sticks in my craw here.
Aye... and that is where you and I diverge my friend.
LOL, I'm not looking to get married. Not to say the right man couldn't convince me... he'd have to do a lot of convincing... I honestly don't see the point. So, it's a paper. Big whoop. Yeah you get benefits, but wait six years you get those benefits. Why do you need something like that to show the world you love someone. It's a waste of time and money. No going to lie I do want to get all dolled up and pretty. But I could spend 20 bucks on that and I'm done. LOL I'm a cheap ass.
Yeah you want someone to commit, i.e. basically love you for all eternity, to you but nothing or no one can ever really guarantee that emotions change all the time... you see people getting divorced and cheated on all the time. That's where trust comes in and ultimately what builds a relationship. You have that and love you don't need anything else. You either trust them or you don't. Also, you either trust your sense of judgement or you don't, especially
Also, you either trust your sense of judgement or you don't, especially when it comes to other people. If you don't I don't think you should be in that relationship to begin with married or not... not even to "work" on. You either trust them or you don't. No piece of paper or ceremony can guarantee or give you that.
I think loving someone is enough. But then again thats just me I'm a big hippie 😄.
I think loving someone is enough. But then again thats just me I'm a big hippie 😄.
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