Cancer male cannot move on, mixed messages

I just wanted to share this story because I think it will help others.

I have been friends with this Cancer male for two years. I knew the whole time that he was interested in me romantically. When I became single, we started to "see" each other, although he told me that he was not ready for a relationship yet. I went ahead with it because I thought that with time, he would be ready.

Four months into this situation, which is basically "friends with benefits" although he said he doesn't like that phrase, I had started to develop feelings for him. I told him I needed time to think and decide if I should continue with our situation.

We started talking and he told me that actually he feels he can't move on from his last relationship. I asked if he was still in love with her, or maybe just still had some feelings for her, and he said no, that he just felt guilty because he was the one that ended the relationship and she was really hurt by it. It has been two years since the breakup and she still contacts him whenever she needs something, they still talk every day. I didn't know any of this. I asked how long he was with her and he said three years but that it was a very crazy relationship and he didn't want to get involved with her again. He said he knows that we would be great together, that we would be happy, but he can't manage to put the past behind him and move on.

I had fallen in love with him in these past few months. A big part of the reason was that he behaved like my boyfriend the whole time, he took care of me when I was sick, saw me every single weekend and texted me every day, invited me to go meet his friends, asked if I wanted to take a trip with him, took me to dinner, bought me things, looked at me with love in his eyes, said that he saw a future with us, and gave me meaningful, passionate sex. I thought we were moving towards a relationship but could not have been more mistaken. His actions didn't match up with how he actually felt.

I told him I understood what he was saying but that I can't see him anymore in order to protect my feelings. I don't think he was expecting me to say that. He said he is "working on" trying to set boundaries with his ex but it's just so difficult. He says he knows that it's his fault that this situation exists but that he doesn't know how to let her go. He enables her. I am fine with him staying friends with her, but it seems their relationship is "more" than just a friendship.

I know that three years is not nothing, but my God, three years with a girl that obviously wasn't right for you (by your own words) and you're still hung up on her? A girl comes along that IS right for you, and you still cling to the other girl? I don't get it. It made me feel so unwanted.

I woke up this morning after our conversation last night feeling angry. I felt like he had led me on with his behavior because I believe in the whole "actions speak louder than words" line. I thought maybe he had changed his feelings since we started seeing each other and he was feeling more like me, based on his behavior...

I know it's different depending on the relationship but: How long does it typically take you to "get over" someone?

He told you a month ago the same thing.

You've only been dating the dude 2 to 3 months max.

They really can be mixed up guys. Im casually involved with a cancer man and told him its sex thats it, but he texted constantly morning and night texts, i kept saying stop cos emotions will get involved he ignored that. So i take a break as i dont want to get caught up in a messy situation. Then we have sex, then he changes the goal post again ie he doesnt like the secretiveness of meeting up, then he says lets leave it you ve obviously got feelings for me and i dont want a relationship ! Lolololol. Im like when did i ever say that or act like that...the fact is he acted that way !!! I have to laugh...! So we re back sex again but this time im wise...im gonna keep reining him back in every time he gets carried away seeking attention...cos in the end thats what its all about..they want attention and want to be loved but when they feel more they project their crap onto you and so push you away. Guard your emotions like treasure and enjoy the ride !!