virgo9188
@virgo9188
9 Years
Comments: 1 · Posts: 53 · Topics: 1
My cancer boyfriend and I haven't spoken in 2 weeks - is he testing me or retreated to his shell?
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There is a big gap in this story. What happened when he DID message you suggesting to meet up to patch things up? I mean it is rare for a hurt cancerian to do this. I know you said you did not apologize, but is there anything else?
Posted by CrabraHe messaged me that day asking how I am, and apologising for not being in touch because he was busy, then he said we will hopefully meet in the next few days to talk. I replied back very calmly and normally like I would saying sure we can meet whatever day we both can. After he read me message and didn't reply back.
There is a big gap in this story. What happened when he DID message you suggesting to meet up to patch things up? I mean it is rare for a hurt cancerian to do this. I know you said you did not apologize, but is there anything else?
He didn't specify what day we would and I didn't ask not to be too pushy, I just said yh sure we'll meet up in the next few days to talk, on a day we both can do. that's it.
On xmas day I wished him merry xmas and he wished we back. we spoke briefly, he seemed a bit upset, maybe he wasn't i'm not sure I only presumed that coz he said it doesn't feel like xmas. anyway we spoke for a bit, nothing major I told him to enjoy his day and said I was baking, he seemed curious and asked what I was baking, asked if it tasted good after sending him images of it, again he read my message and didn't reply back. we haven't spoken since then.
Should I message him tomorrow just to check how he is, and don't mention anything about meeting up until he says to himself?
I just don't wanna push him even further I just wanna fix things
Posted by virgo9188Wow! It just sounds like a disconnect. I think he really wanted to spend xmas together with you, and since it didn't happen the way he was probably hoping, it likely made him retreat even further. We always expect people to be as intuitive as we are, and read our minds.Posted by CrabraHe messaged me that day asking how I am, and apologising for not being in touch because he was busy, then he said we will hopefully meet in the next few days to talk. I replied back very calmly and normally like I would saying sure we can meet whatever day we both can. After he read me message and didn't reply back.
There is a big gap in this story. What happened when he DID message you suggesting to meet up to patch things up? I mean it is rare for a hurt cancerian to do this. I know you said you did not apologize, but is there anything else?
He didn't specify what day we would and I didn't ask not to be too pushy, I just said yh sure we'll meet up in the next few days to talk, on a day we both can do. that's it.
On xmas day I wished him merry xmas and he wished we back. we spoke briefly, he seemed a bit upset, maybe he wasn't i'm not sure I only presumed that coz he said it doesn't feel like xmas. anyway we spoke for a bit, nothing major I told him to enjoy his day and said I was baking, he seemed curious and asked what I was baking, asked if it tasted good after sending him images of it, again he read my message and didn't reply back. we haven't spoken since then.
Should I message him tomorrow just to check how he is, and don't mention anything about meeting up until he says to himself?
I just don't wanna push him even further I just wanna fix things
click to expand
If I was you, I wouldn't text or anything. I would dress in the most feminine attire you own. In fact, I would spring for some new clothes (he'll notice). I'm talking heels, dress, hair and makeup done, the whole nine yards. Make a fresh batch of what you sent him, and bring those too. It isn't too late to still celebrate xmas! Remember, that many Cancers reciprocate the actions towards them.
Of course, I don't want you to enable his negative behaviour. He does need to know that he can't behave that way, and that it hurts you. He should be more receptive to criticism when the two of you are all lovey again.
Posted by Crabraso you're saying I should go and see him?Posted by virgo9188Wow! It just sounds like a disconnect. I think he really wanted to spend xmas together with you, and since it didn't happen the way he was probably hoping, it likely made him retreat even further. We always expect people to be as intuitive as we are, and read our minds.Posted by CrabraHe messaged me that day asking how I am, and apologising for not being in touch because he was busy, then he said we will hopefully meet in the next few days to talk. I replied back very calmly and normally like I would saying sure we can meet whatever day we both can. After he read me message and didn't reply back.
There is a big gap in this story. What happened when he DID message you suggesting to meet up to patch things up? I mean it is rare for a hurt cancerian to do this. I know you said you did not apologize, but is there anything else?
He didn't specify what day we would and I didn't ask not to be too pushy, I just said yh sure we'll meet up in the next few days to talk, on a day we both can do. that's it.
On xmas day I wished him merry xmas and he wished we back. we spoke briefly, he seemed a bit upset, maybe he wasn't i'm not sure I only presumed that coz he said it doesn't feel like xmas. anyway we spoke for a bit, nothing major I told him to enjoy his day and said I was baking, he seemed curious and asked what I was baking, asked if it tasted good after sending him images of it, again he read my message and didn't reply back. we haven't spoken since then.
Should I message him tomorrow just to check how he is, and don't mention anything about meeting up until he says to himself?
I just don't wanna push him even further I just wanna fix things
If I was you, I wouldn't text or anything. I would dress in the most feminine attire you own. In fact, I would spring for some new clothes (he'll notice). I'm talking heels, dress, hair and makeup done, the whole nine yards. Make a fresh batch of what you sent him, and bring those too. It isn't too late to still celebrate xmas! Remember, that many Cancers reciprocate the actions towards them.
Of course, I don't want you to enable his negative behaviour. He does need to know that he can't behave that way, and that it hurts you. He should be more receptive to criticism when the two of you are all lovey again.click to expand
that's the thing I really want to see him but I've already told him before to meet and talk to sort it out when we had the mini argument. But shouldn't he be chasing me? After all he is the man. We haven't spoken for 2 weeks and suddenly showing up
Agreed, but I saw a problem as soon as I read what you told him. While you absolutely should express what you're feeling, I believe you made a grave mistake in focusing more on yourself. Please allow me to elaborate. Knowing he's been under stress, it would have been a better idea to ask him about what's going on with him than to jump straight to "You're hurting my feelings." When your Cancer is dealing with negative stressors, it's common for him to pull away. He isn't trying to be selfish and hurt you, but he isn't the greatest multi-tasker, and it's difficult for him to give equal amounts of attention to more than one thing. Not only that, but being a great feeler, he's easily overwhelmed. Cancereans usually don't deal well with that particular feeling. Earth signs tend to be more rational and would likely deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed by analyzing why you're feeling that way, what would make it better, what needs to be done for that to happen, followed by a list of how you're going to tackle the problem step-by-step. Cancereans, on the other hand, may become emotional, which usually results in Shell Time. Before we can figure out what to do, we must first work through the feelings, and that takes time. It also takes the focus I mentioned, which turns it off of you. Reacting to the distance by pointing fingers and saying, "You're hurting me because you're giving me less attention then I'm used to" is added stress, which pushes him further away. However, reacting by asking what is going on and offering a helping hand shows support and understanding, which could pull him back out of his shell (at least a little bit).
Please know it isn't my intention to say you were by any means "attacking" him or being overly demanding, but based solely on what you wrote, I felt a different approach would have given you a different result. If I missed any information or misunderstood, please let me know so I can correct myself. Mercury is in retrograde after all, making miscommunications more commonplace.
Please know it isn't my intention to say you were by any means "attacking" him or being overly demanding, but based solely on what you wrote, I felt a different approach would have given you a different result. If I missed any information or misunderstood, please let me know so I can correct myself. Mercury is in retrograde after all, making miscommunications more commonplace.
Posted by M00NchildNo, of course I know you're intention is not to say I attacked him, which I think in my head I perhaps did a little bit. You're absolutely right, I should have taken the rational approach and dealt with my emotions first before addressing what the matter. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, but I guess I have learnt for the future I will take this approach always use this approach with him.
Agreed, but I saw a problem as soon as I read what you told him. While you absolutely should express what you're feeling, I believe you made a grave mistake in focusing more on yourself. Please allow me to elaborate. Knowing he's been under stress, it would have been a better idea to ask him about what's going on with him than to jump straight to "You're hurting my feelings." When your Cancer is dealing with negative stressors, it's common for him to pull away. He isn't trying to be selfish and hurt you, but he isn't the greatest multi-tasker, and it's difficult for him to give equal amounts of attention to more than one thing. Not only that, but being a great feeler, he's easily overwhelmed. Cancereans usually don't deal well with that particular feeling. Earth signs tend to be more rational and would likely deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed by analyzing why you're feeling that way, what would make it better, what needs to be done for that to happen, followed by a list of how you're going to tackle the problem step-by-step. Cancereans, on the other hand, may become emotional, which usually results in Shell Time. Before we can figure out what to do, we must first work through the feelings, and that takes time. It also takes the focus I mentioned, which turns it off of you. Reacting to the distance by pointing fingers and saying, "You're hurting me because you're giving me less attention then I'm used to" is added stress, which pushes him further away. However, reacting by asking what is going on and offering a helping hand shows support and understanding, which could pull him back out of his shell (at least a little bit).
Please know it isn't my intention to say you were by any means "attacking" him or being overly demanding, but based solely on what you wrote, I felt a different approach would have given you a different result. If I missed any information or misunderstood, please let me know so I can correct myself. Mercury is in retrograde after all, making miscommunications more commonplace.
It's been very hard, we used to talk everyday, the past 2 weeks have been awful for me. Is this normal to retreat for 2 weeks or more without any contact? I started to panic and think he doesn't care about me but now I see what's going on, it completely makes sense.
What would be the best approach - to leave him alone and let him contact me when he is ready, or give him space but check in on him to show I care until
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
Moonchild nailed it. They are soooooo sensitive and sometimes hypocritical. You often need to apologize even if he's to blame. Just coax him out slowly and be sweet and all that crap...
I wish I can boil your crab boyfriend ‘
Posted by virgo9188Posted by Crabraso you're saying I should go and see him?Posted by virgo9188Wow! It just sounds like a disconnect. I think he really wanted to spend xmas together with you, and since it didn't happen the way he was probably hoping, it likely made him retreat even further. We always expect people to be as intuitive as we are, and read our minds.Posted by CrabraHe messaged me that day asking how I am, and apologising for not being in touch because he was busy, then he said we will hopefully meet in the next few days to talk. I replied back very calmly and normally like I would saying sure we can meet whatever day we both can. After he read me message and didn't reply back.
There is a big gap in this story. What happened when he DID message you suggesting to meet up to patch things up? I mean it is rare for a hurt cancerian to do this. I know you said you did not apologize, but is there anything else?
He didn't specify what day we would and I didn't ask not to be too pushy, I just said yh sure we'll meet up in the next few days to talk, on a day we both can do. that's it.
On xmas day I wished him merry xmas and he wished we back. we spoke briefly, he seemed a bit upset, maybe he wasn't i'm not sure I only presumed that coz he said it doesn't feel like xmas. anyway we spoke for a bit, nothing major I told him to enjoy his day and said I was baking, he seemed curious and asked what I was baking, asked if it tasted good after sending him images of it, again he read my message and didn't reply back. we haven't spoken since then.
Should I message him tomorrow just to check how he is, and don't mention anything about meeting up until he says to himself?
I just don't wanna push him even further I just wanna fix things
If I was you, I wouldn't text or anything. I would dress in the most feminine attire you own. In fact, I would spring for some new clothes (he'll notice). I'm talking heels, dress, hair and makeup done, the whole nine yards. Make a fresh batch of what you sent him, and bring those too. It isn't too late to still celebrate xmas! Remember, that many Cancers reciprocate the actions towards them.
Of course, I don't want you to enable his negative behaviour. He does need to know that he can't behave that way, and that it hurts you. He should be more receptive to criticism when the two of you are all lovey again.click to expand
that's the thing I really want to see him but I've already told him before to meet and talk to sort it out when we had the mini arg
Yes! Go and see him. He's had plenty of time to process things. He's a man, but he is also a Cancerian man. They come out of their shells when they feel it is safe. He will never feel that way if you two are not talking to each other. Going over there in the manner I suggested will be indicative that you want to be loving and nurturing, not critical and opposing. I seriously doubt he would turn that away, and if he does, then you can rest knowing you've done all you could. It'll totally be on him at that point. I feel this is low-risk move because... well, because he's a Cancer.
Do not listen to the horrible advice moonfool gave you....
Let him come back to you
You teach a man how to treat you, if a man care about you, you don't have to claw him out of a shell or pursue him
These idiots in this thread will have you okaying this beahvior and your guy will think he can treat you like this forever
You set the tone.
How about you focus on you and have a life outside of him.
He will find his way back to you as your amazing.
Ppl give horrific advice on this forum...a bunch of morons
Omg you have to jump over a bridge, build a camp fire and bake a zillion cookies and swim across the sea for him then he will be with you
what the fluck!
Let him come back to you
You teach a man how to treat you, if a man care about you, you don't have to claw him out of a shell or pursue him
These idiots in this thread will have you okaying this beahvior and your guy will think he can treat you like this forever
You set the tone.
How about you focus on you and have a life outside of him.
He will find his way back to you as your amazing.
Ppl give horrific advice on this forum...a bunch of morons
Omg you have to jump over a bridge, build a camp fire and bake a zillion cookies and swim across the sea for him then he will be with you
what the fluck!
Yeah, try that instead and see how long your relationship lasts. Everything you've heard about how sensitive and emotional Cancers are is all a bunch of bullshit. We're really just here to screw you over and watch you suffer.
Posted by CrabraYes to this, I wanted to tell you, no texts with apologies, no calling, but FACE TO FACE....... and have to be confident and caring and if his first (second, third) reaction is not what you expected or will hurt you just chalk it up and be confidently emotional (like you know what you want and its him) and not hysterically emotional...... there is a huge difference...
Yes! Go and see him. He's had plenty of time to process things. He's a man, but he is also a Cancerian man. They come out of their shells when they feel it is safe. He will never feel that way if you two are not talking to each other. Going over there in the manner I suggested will be indicative that you want to be loving and nurturing, not critical and opposing. I seriously doubt he would turn that away, and if he does, then you can rest knowing you've done all you could. It'll totally be on him at that point. I feel this is low-risk move because... well, because he's a Cancer.
be balanced....... if you are going to flip at the first sign of him acting "distant" than dont go there........
So, if you go to him (I advise that as well) brace yourself and be prepared to anything and be strong and if anything happens, just dont start accusing or acting out or be hysterical...... ask about his business and if he doesnt want to talk about it, then dont get offended, but try again........ calmly, consistently, reassuringly.......
but, except for a few cases, understanding girls will have to put up with lots of pain and emotional sacrifises, until they get the man they want (they always get him in a long run) but the question is: are you prepared, if you really love him, like LOVE him (I mean, if he is what you want) beeing understanding works only in long term, never in short term..... are you prepared to wait it out? (like 2 years or so....) beeing treated like this? you know the answer only
Posted by virgo9188You could have stopped your OP right there and it told enough of the story.
It started 3 weeks ago when he was being a bit distant because of work pressure (he runs his own business) and other factors contributing to the stress, i.e family expectations and family problems. I didn’t say anything but it really got to me when he would ignore my messages and following that he didn’t message me for a whole day, then the next day he messaged me as if nothing had happened. I became angry and critical being a virgo. I know I shouldn’t have but I at the time I was so upset everything in front of my was a blur and I couldn’t see whats in front of me. What I did after that was become really cold and distant and almost sarcastic when I replied to his message, asking me how I am. I know that’s wrong
If a guy is running his own business and has family pressures on top of it his available time to invest in a relationship is going to be very limited.
From your other posts it sounds like he is trying to not neglect you while balancing all that other stuff.
Being cold and sarcastic doesn't exactly help the situation.
There are a couple of posts up the thread that give you an idea of what to do. I'd probably give advice similar to those two posts, plus or minus a few things.
Understand that the guy has a lot of balls in the air (juggler reference) and arms to be trying not to drop any of them. If one of those balls which is not tied to his business or immediate family needs suddenly decides to get heavy on him, he'll drop it and keep juggling.
I think you should bake a cake and show up at his place looking all hot.
Uhhh and the other stuff they said about support. Yup.
Uhhh and the other stuff they said about support. Yup.
Posted by M00NchildMay you answer mine please! I love your sinsight
Agreed, but I saw a problem as soon as I read what you told him. While you absolutely should express what you're feeling, I believe you made a grave mistake in focusing more on yourself. Please allow me to elaborate. Knowing he's been under stress, it would have been a better idea to ask him about what's going on with him than to jump straight to "You're hurting my feelings." When your Cancer is dealing with negative stressors, it's common for him to pull away. He isn't trying to be selfish and hurt you, but he isn't the greatest multi-tasker, and it's difficult for him to give equal amounts of attention to more than one thing. Not only that, but being a great feeler, he's easily overwhelmed. Cancereans usually don't deal well with that particular feeling. Earth signs tend to be more rational and would likely deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed by analyzing why you're feeling that way, what would make it better, what needs to be done for that to happen, followed by a list of how you're going to tackle the problem step-by-step. Cancereans, on the other hand, may become emotional, which usually results in Shell Time. Before we can figure out what to do, we must first work through the feelings, and that takes time. It also takes the focus I mentioned, which turns it off of you. Reacting to the distance by pointing fingers and saying, "You're hurting me because you're giving me less attention then I'm used to" is added stress, which pushes him further away. However, reacting by asking what is going on and offering a helping hand shows support and understanding, which could pull him back out of his shell (at least a little bit).
Please know it isn't my intention to say you were by any means "attacking" him or being overly demanding, but based solely on what you wrote, I felt a different approach would have given you a different result. If I missed any information or misunderstood, please let me know so I can correct myself. Mercury is in retrograde after all, making miscommunications more commonplace.
https://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/cancer/cancer-breaks-up-but-does-he-have-feelings-5988836/
My Cancer was ALSO under a lot of stress. ffamily,work,etc
Posted by M00NchildI have taken this into consideration. I will apologise to him when we start speaking. I have already sent him a message about 4 hours ago saying "hi how are you? how's everything". He hasn't read or responded to it yet, which is fine he is definitely at work and it is probably busy. He will respond when he has a chance, then I will apologise. It is the right thing to do I wish I had done so when he first apologised himself. Now that I think about it, if he hadn't apologised I would've been upset even more but coz he did, it made me feel a bit better. The fact I didn't apologise probably made him more upset with me.
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
Once I have apologised to him, should I mention again about meeting up and to talk things through or wait for him to do that? xx
Posted by boxcarmirntaYes they really are sensitive I've realised that now gosh. I knew they were sensitive but not this sensitive. I'm going to do that but without forcing and adding pressure. Thinking of sending messages like "thinking of you" and other sweet messages. Hopefully it will help coax him out of his shell.
Moonchild nailed it. They are soooooo sensitive and sometimes hypocritical. You often need to apologize even if he's to blame. Just coax him out slowly and be sweet and all that crap...
Posted by AquariusJan25Lol why? He's still a great person regardless of this. I guess nobody's perfect 🙂
I wish I can boil your crab boyfriend ‘
Posted by CrabraYes of course, but I don't want to turn up since we haven't spoken in 2 weeks that might make him pull away even more and make me look desperate. I have messaged him asking how he is and hows everything going, somebody had to. As I started this drama probably best if I try to sort it too, with a bit more effort on his part. I will apologise to him over text hopefully that will make him feel better. It definitely made me feel better when he apologised. It will be a good step to coax him out slowly from his shell. I read this article that most guys know that if they are taking too long to get out of their shell, they will make her angry, upset and confused. So it could actually delay him from leaving his shell even more as he puts off approaching the subject of his absence. Is it true?
Yes! Go and see him. He's had plenty of time to process things. He's a man, but he is also a Cancerian man. They come out of their shells when they feel it is safe. He will never feel that way if you two are not talking to each other. Going over there in the manner I suggested will be indicative that you want to be loving and nurturing, not critical and opposing. I seriously doubt he would turn that away, and if he does, then you can rest knowing you've done all you could. It'll totally be on him at that point. I feel this is low-risk move because... well, because he's a Cancer.
I know he will leave the shell slowly, that's fine I want to know I care and I'm still here when he does. In a way the text was to show that I still care and I'm not angry because you have retreated. Does that make sense?
Posted by kissmygritsI will do for sure when I coax him out of his shell slowly 😄
I think you should bake a cake and show up at his place looking all hot.
Uhhh and the other stuff they said about support. Yup.
Posted by SensitiveBluesAnd that's what I've been doing. I know my behaviour was clingy and out of character. I'm not a clingy person.Posted by CancerOnTheCuspYep. Give the man space to work through things. ClingonPosted by virgo9188You could have stopped your OP right there and it told enough of the story.
It started 3 weeks ago when he was being a bit distant because of work pressure (he runs his own business) and other factors contributing to the stress, i.e family expectations and family problems. I didn’t say anything but it really got to me when he would ignore my messages and following that he didn’t message me for a whole day, then the next day he messaged me as if nothing had happened. I became angry and critical being a virgo. I know I shouldn’t have but I at the time I was so upset everything in front of my was a blur and I couldn’t see whats in front of me. What I did after that was become really cold and distant and almost sarcastic when I replied to his message, asking me how I am. I know that’s wrong
If a guy is running his own business and has family pressures on top of it his available time to invest in a relationship is going to be very limited.
From your other posts it sounds like he is trying to not neglect you while balancing all that other stuff.
Being cold and sarcastic doesn't exactly help the situation.
There are a couple of posts up the thread that give you an idea of what to do. I'd probably give advice similar to those two posts, plus or minus a few things.
Understand that the guy has a lot of balls in the air (juggler reference) and arms to be trying not to drop any of them. If one of those balls which is not tied to his business or immediate family needs suddenly decides to get heavy on him, he'll drop it and keep juggling.
click to expand
The user who posted this message has hidden it.I can't see your response hun. It says you've hidden it.
Posted by virgo9188Once you've said what you need to, wait for him to respond, then let him take the lead.Posted by M00NchildI have taken this into consideration. I will apologise to him when we start speaking. I have already sent him a message about 4 hours ago saying "hi how are you? how's everything". He hasn't read or responded to it yet, which is fine he is definitely at work and it is probably busy. He will respond when he has a chance, then I will apologise. It is the right thing to do I wish I had done so when he first apologised himself. Now that I think about it, if he hadn't apologised I would've been upset even more but coz he did, it made me feel a bit better. The fact I didn't apologise probably made him more upset with me.
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
Once I have apologised to him, should I mention again about meeting up and to talk things through or wait for him to do that? xxclick to expand
Blessed be.
Posted by M00NchildThank you!! I really appreciate the advice you gave me. God bless 🙂 xxPosted by virgo9188Once you've said what you need to, wait for him to respond, then let him take the lead.Posted by M00NchildI have taken this into consideration. I will apologise to him when we start speaking. I have already sent him a message about 4 hours ago saying "hi how are you? how's everything". He hasn't read or responded to it yet, which is fine he is definitely at work and it is probably busy. He will respond when he has a chance, then I will apologise. It is the right thing to do I wish I had done so when he first apologised himself. Now that I think about it, if he hadn't apologised I would've been upset even more but coz he did, it made me feel a bit better. The fact I didn't apologise probably made him more upset with me.
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
Once I have apologised to him, should I mention again about meeting up and to talk things through or wait for him to do that? xx
Blessed be.click to expand
Posted by M00NchildThank you for sharing this. I've been talking with a cancer man and have been reading this board every now and again to try and understand how he operates. After experiencing for the first time him being short and a little cold with me this past week, this really helped me to see where I went wrong in handling it and helps me understand a bit more how he deals with stress differently than I do. I'm an earth sign (Capricorn) so this was very insightful for me as I'm really trying to make communication important between us.
Agreed, but I saw a problem as soon as I read what you told him. While you absolutely should express what you're feeling, I believe you made a grave mistake in focusing more on yourself. Please allow me to elaborate. Knowing he's been under stress, it would have been a better idea to ask him about what's going on with him than to jump straight to "You're hurting my feelings." When your Cancer is dealing with negative stressors, it's common for him to pull away. He isn't trying to be selfish and hurt you, but he isn't the greatest multi-tasker, and it's difficult for him to give equal amounts of attention to more than one thing. Not only that, but being a great feeler, he's easily overwhelmed. Cancereans usually don't deal well with that particular feeling. Earth signs tend to be more rational and would likely deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed by analyzing why you're feeling that way, what would make it better, what needs to be done for that to happen, followed by a list of how you're going to tackle the problem step-by-step. Cancereans, on the other hand, may become emotional, which usually results in Shell Time. Before we can figure out what to do, we must first work through the feelings, and that takes time. It also takes the focus I mentioned, which turns it off of you. Reacting to the distance by pointing fingers and saying, "You're hurting me because you're giving me less attention then I'm used to" is added stress, which pushes him further away. However, reacting by asking what is going on and offering a helping hand shows support and understanding, which could pull him back out of his shell (at least a little bit).
Please know it isn't my intention to say you were by any means "attacking" him or being overly demanding, but based solely on what you wrote, I felt a different approach would have given you a different result. If I missed any information or misunderstood, please let me know so I can correct myself. Mercury is in retrograde after all, making miscommunications more commonplace.
My pleasure.
If you want more detailed information on Cancerian behavior, you're welcome to read my thread "Allow me the shed some light on Cancer behavior."
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwiupPmShZvKAhWIsh4KHftCBk0QFggbMAA&url=http% 3A www.dxpnet.com opinion cancer allow-me-to-shed-some-light-on-cancer-behavior-5840375.asp% 3Fp% 3D2&usg=AFQjCNEz2KyJI-lDaLVENCq0vzvu-lyMYA&sig2=H8Dh_Equg4arkCiBHBNNMw
If you want more detailed information on Cancerian behavior, you're welcome to read my thread "Allow me the shed some light on Cancer behavior."
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwiupPmShZvKAhWIsh4KHftCBk0QFggbMAA&url=http% 3A www.dxpnet.com opinion cancer allow-me-to-shed-some-light-on-cancer-behavior-5840375.asp% 3Fp% 3D2&usg=AFQjCNEz2KyJI-lDaLVENCq0vzvu-lyMYA&sig2=H8Dh_Equg4arkCiBHBNNMw
Posted by M00NchildI will definitely check it out!! Thank you!
My pleasure.
If you want more detailed information on Cancerian behavior, you're welcome to read my thread "Allow me the shed some light on Cancer behavior."
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwiupPmShZvKAhWIsh4KHftCBk0QFggbMAA&url=http% 3A www.dxpnet.com opinion cancer allow-me-to-shed-some-light-on-cancer-behavior-5840375.asp% 3Fp% 3D2&usg=AFQjCNEz2KyJI-lDaLVENCq0vzvu-lyMYA&sig2=H8Dh_Equg4arkCiBHBNNMw
Posted by M00Nchild
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
what if you tried all this, and still...nothing?! Is there anything you can do without looking totally desperate and lame?
Posted by boxcarmirntaI've learnt to be patient and take one day at a time. Keep yourself busy, and give them space that's what they need. They're wired differently to us women and we need to accept and embrace thatPosted by M00Nchild
I'd recommend reaching out, but this time try the following:
1. Express that you realize you were wrong in how you reacted and apologize for thinking more about yourself than what his needs are. Be completely sincere in your apology.
2. Explain that you reacted the way you did because the change in his behavior made you feel [insert an emotion here] (insecure, scared, hurt, etc.), which caused your rationality to go out the window. You realize now the error you made, and have learned from your mistake.
3. Assure him you do care about what he's going through and want to be there for him however he needs, including giving him the space he requires.
When dealing with a hurt Cancerean, always apologize sincerely, go into detail about what you're going to do to keep from repeating your mistake, explain why you did what you did (and use feeling words), and let him know you're ready to do whatever is needed to repair the damage done.
what if you tried all this, and still...nothing?! Is there anything you can do without looking totally desperate and lame?click to expand
There's nothing desperate or lame about admitting to your faults, apologizing for your mistakes, or expressing a desire to work things out.
Posted by M00NchildVery well said
There's nothing desperate or lame about admitting to your faults, apologizing for your mistakes, or expressing a desire to work things out.
I just saw him on the street..it was horrible 😢...ive already tried everything..I'm pming you. @M00Nartist
Posted by DonnaElvira77I know I wish I had 😢 I was emotional at the time and didn't think of it. I feel even more bad because he apologised I didn't. He's never had a go at me. Whenever there was an issue with communication, which was like once he told me in a very nice loving way, I tried my best to rectify it.Posted by virgo9188It's pretty obvious he is up to his neck in life stress right now and you should have cut some slack if this was temporary behavior. Listen what can I do for you to help etc— If it kept up then either he can't have the time for a relationship right now or he is an ass. But work pressure needs to be dealt with. There is give and take in all relationships. He should do the same for you.
It happened 3 weeks ago, surely he must have got over it by now. I don’t know what to do. On one hand I don’t want to message him and cause him to retreat even further and on the other hand I don’t want to not message him and show I don’t care. What is the best approach to take?
How can I make him come out of his hell? Shall I message him or leave him to it?
Also, note I did not apologise when he did, I know I should have at the time, but I’m thinking to add a message saying “I’m sorry if I upset you in any way”?
I appreciate your advice and your time xx
'I am sorry I just was feeling like I wasn't meaningful to you etc. I need to know you care and I am prepared to support you during this difficult time. I am sorry if I added to any stress. We need to learn how to communicate better I think. 'click to expand
Thank you for your advice hun 🙂 I have already messaged him like gosh 10 hours ago, he hasn't read it or opened it. I don't know if he has been online or not, I'm trying to not speculate. I think he's really upset me or he might have started drinking at work and left his phone in the corner.
Posted by thinktoomuchPosted by boxcarmirntaUgh! At the moment I´m hoping I will neer ever see him again. I´ve seen some of his friends around town, not sure if they recognize me, who knows... But him I could def. do without. I just wish to forget the whole thing and erase everything with and about him. We all deserve happiness, but the memories of him right now only brings me pain and reminds me of the utter failure of my lovelife always. No thanks. Only good thing about him, is that he is good at hiding and probably don´t want to run into me either, so if he ever sees me, I´m hoping and thinking that he will make himself dissapear, so that I don´t have to see him.
I just saw him on the street..it was horrible 😢...ive already tried everything..I'm pming you. @M00Nartist
Hopefully everything will feel better in a couple of days. ... Weeks, months or years.... Millenia...click to expand
yea just when I'm feeling really good...having a great day..thats when I see him and his fake polite smile..ugh..
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
Posted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.click to expand
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.
Posted by incandescentcancerYes that will work. I mean for example, let's say even if he reads the message and doesn't respond, shall I start a new convo the next day, send something funny to warm him up like you said so he knows I care. Or would that be bugging him? I don't mind doing that as long as it gets things back to normal and he puts in effort too, because I made a mistake and I'm willing to make the effort to sort it outPosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.click to expand
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it 🙂
Posted by virgo9188Keep going at it for a while and see what happens. Usually, he should be back to normal in 4-5 days and start responding normally.Posted by incandescentcancerYes that will work. I mean for example, let's say even if he reads the message and doesn't respond, shall I start a new convo the next day, send something funny to warm him up like you said so he knows I care. Or would that be bugging him? I don't mind doing that as long as it gets things back to normal and he puts in effort too, because I made a mistake and I'm willing to make the effort to sort it outPosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it 🙂click to expand
Also, set yourself an outer limit, if he continues to be douchy and makes you grovel, the fuck him don't bother. Nothing should result in the compromise of someone's self respect.
Posted by incandescentcancerHe sounds normal in his responses and attitude he sounds like himself, just a matter of consistency. I will keep going for 5-7 days, that should put things back to normality. If he was going to be doughy he would've done so now, no? I guess the reason he didn't message shows he was waiting for me, perhaps testing to see if I care enough to message first. Am I right?Posted by virgo9188Keep going at it for a while and see what happens. Usually, he should be back to normal in 4-5 days and start responding normally.Posted by incandescentcancerYes that will work. I mean for example, let's say even if he reads the message and doesn't respond, shall I start a new convo the next day, send something funny to warm him up like you said so he knows I care. Or would that be bugging him? I don't mind doing that as long as it gets things back to normal and he puts in effort too, because I made a mistake and I'm willing to make the effort to sort it outPosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it 🙂
Also, set yourself an outer limit, if he continues to be douchy and makes you grovel, the fuck him don't bother. Nothing should result in the compromise of someone's self respect.click to expand
Posted by virgo9188Yes, he wanted you to message first. That's his way of knowing you think of him, want him and love him. It's not really a test. Cancers think that if you call / message us etc. you miss us and therefore want us....lol. I know, that sounds weird. But yes, we are like that particularly after "incidents".Posted by incandescentcancerHe sounds normal in his responses and attitude he sounds like himself, just a matter of consistency. I will keep going for 5-7 days, that should put things back to normality. If he was going to be doughy he would've done so now, no? I guess the reason he didn't message shows he was waiting for me, perhaps testing to see if I care enough to message first. Am I right?Posted by virgo9188Keep going at it for a while and see what happens. Usually, he should be back to normal in 4-5 days and start responding normally.Posted by incandescentcancerYes that will work. I mean for example, let's say even if he reads the message and doesn't respond, shall I start a new convo the next day, send something funny to warm him up like you said so he knows I care. Or would that be bugging him? I don't mind doing that as long as it gets things back to normal and he puts in effort too, because I made a mistake and I'm willing to make the effort to sort it outPosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it 🙂
Also, set yourself an outer limit, if he continues to be douchy and makes you grovel, the fuck him don't bother. Nothing should result in the compromise of someone's self respect.click to expand
Posted by incandescentcancerNot mean to be offensive but why do you guys have such petty behaviour sometimes? Is it a matter of security? I would like some insight into the behaviour of the cancer man. Many thanks, appreciate your timePosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.click to expand
Posted by virgo9188It's like asking why Virgo over analyze minor details, characteristics of the sign that's all.Posted by incandescentcancerNot mean to be offensive but why do you guys have such petty behaviour sometimes? Is it a matter of security? I would like some insight into the behaviour of the cancer man. Many thanks, appreciate your timePosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.click to expand
Posted by incandescentcancerI see, well thaPosted by virgo9188Yes, he wanted you to message first. That's his way of knowing you think of him, want him and love him. It's not really a test. Cancers think that if you call / message us etc. you miss us and therefore want us....lol. I know, that sounds weird. But yes, we are like that particularly after "incidents".Posted by incandescentcancerHe sounds normal in his responses and attitude he sounds like himself, just a matter of consistency. I will keep going for 5-7 days, that should put things back to normality. If he was going to be doughy he would've done so now, no? I guess the reason he didn't message shows he was waiting for me, perhaps testing to see if I care enough to message first. Am I right?Posted by virgo9188Keep going at it for a while and see what happens. Usually, he should be back to normal in 4-5 days and start responding normally.Posted by incandescentcancerYes that will work. I mean for example, let's say even if he reads the message and doesn't respond, shall I start a new convo the next day, send something funny to warm him up like you said so he knows I care. Or would that be bugging him? I don't mind doing that as long as it gets things back to normal and he puts in effort too, because I made a mistake and I'm willing to make the effort to sort it outPosted by virgo9188Keep making the first effort for a few days till he warms up. Right now, he kind of needs to know you care for him.Posted by incandescentcancerI messaged him, we're talking now. He's make effort and I apologised to him. I still haven't heard back, I know he's working. Hopefully trying to get things back to normal now. What would you recommend to get things back to normal?
He wants you to call first and talk to him. We can be occasionally petty like that.
If you don't call him, he will assume the relationship is over and eventually try to move on.
As I type this however I realize how petty us Cancers can be occasionally.
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it 🙂
Also, set yourself an outer limit, if he continues to be douchy and makes you grovel, the fuck him don't bother. Nothing should result in the compromise of someone's self respect.click to expand
Slow and steady wins the race..with my case however.I did it all and he still wont talk to me..hes just fake nice to me in public.
Posted by SensitiveBlues
lol there is nothing like a person falling all over themselves for us...that's love
really? Cuz I made a huge effort telling him.how I really care for him etc..he wouldn't even respond...hes still butt hurt..i don't wanna look like a fool anymore for no reason. Just to be ignored again. Its humiliating.
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After sensing my distant cold responses he stopped replying just read my message and left it as it is. The next day I sent him a message explaining that him reading my messages and ignoring them then disappearing for a few days hurts me and makes me feel neglected. I told him he can message me saying he’s busy it doesn’t take long to do so. I also told him im upset and want to talk about this face to face. His reply was short, cold and distant like my attitude the day before, replying “ok sure” to my lengthy message. It upset me even more.
For the pas few weeks he has messaged me once or twice asking how I am and checking in on me and saying we will meet in the next few days to talk and patch things up. Its been almost 2 weeks and we haven’t even spoken I’m so emotional I miss him so much.
I’ve got a feeling he is testing me or something has happened for retreating for this long. I understand I hurt him by critising him but is it possible he is still hurt because of that? It happened 3 weeks ago, surely he must have got over it by now. I don’t know what to do. On one hand I don’t want to message him and cause him to retreat even further and on the other hand I don’t want to not message him and show I don’t care. What is the best approach to take?
How can I make him come out of his hell? Shall I message him or leave him to it?
Also, note I did not apologise when he did, I know I should have at the time, but I’m thinking to add a message saying “I’m sorry if I upset you in any way”?
I appreciate your advice and your time xx