r rated horrorscope just for fun

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -- 69

This is the sign that needs to be cuddled. They may believe that they were born in the wrong period or century. They DWELL in the past...Victorian...Roman...Medieval...You name it.
They usually will only fuck at night...come to think of it...they fuck better at night anyway. Maybe its because they are ruled by the Moon. This is a sign that is looking for TRUE love...I mean REAL TRUE DEEP LOVE...that 'Romancing The Stone' Frikkin 'Wuthering Heights' kind of love. They probably cry at the end of any Jane Austen flick. They want to be swept off of their feet. They really do deserve it, too. They are constantly dumped on by previous past fucktard ex lovers that think they own them. Sometimes Cancers pick the wrong guy/girl and get beat up or emotionally hurt. Why? They think its what they deserve. Which is bullshit. They are wonderful people. They love water sports (jacuzzis/pools/showers/saunas/bathouses...) They want to be comfortable while fucking...oh sure the foreplay may have had you bent over a barstool...but when you get home they want comfy couches, beds, fluffy pillows, anything soft and fuzzy that is not a pet. Cancerians also have a horrible tendency to misplace their clothing. Highly Exhibitionistic. They live for Oral...as long as it tastes good. Karma Sutra honey dust is a good start...mints...ice cream..anything with sugar...fruit...Don't rush them they smolder. But when you get started, be ready for a long night. They like to play with ice cubes, too. Also nipples are a BIG thing for Crabs...they all secretly wish to get their nipples pierced. Can be submissive highly. Masturbation is where they get their bonus points at. Be warned: They like 'em YOUNG...so you better be ready to dress up like an Animation school boy/girl with a whip to keep 'em.

interesting.. i have a huge oral fetish.. so is this normal for cancers? i don't really have a thing for getting my nipples pierced, though... and the school girl thing doesn't do much for me.

Wow, oral fetish... umm-huh umm-huh

"They like 'em YOUNG..."

So I've noticed 🙂

Hey, this is kinda accurate. Thinking that my crabby luvs cookies tickles my funny bone hahah He also luvs fruit.

i also stay away from the water

Where you been TC? Out committing more adultery? 🙂

Apart from the oral thing, this is all crap. Showers? Nipple piercings? Submissive?
Whoever wrote this must be another cancer hater.

Happy Turkey day to whomever celebrates it.

I'm a little buzzing and have to get this off my chest... I am so attracted to this guy... I kinda felt bad cuz I want to be with my crabby, but is it so wrong to be attracted to other guys... or this one guy... omg... where the hell do I recognize him from?!

whaaaaaaa whaaaaaaaaa i can't believe this! so really, is it really cheating if you talk to other ppl? like really really?lol should i burn in hell if i just kissed this guy... just onceeee

how bout if i was married? omg can you really just be with one person forever? can you?! even if you love him like no other and you know you would never trade him... but no one else? no one? i mean, passion is not exclusive to love.... sigh... boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

damn

attraction isn't a problem--that's natural; your actions towards that attraction can be. personally, one person forever is fine and dandy to me. just not right now.

This is just the BEGINNING of the "r rated horrorscope" right—
I mean seriously.. give us some credit!!!... or just slap my @ss