Help I need some advice on how to deal with a Cap!

Hi there, I'm new to this forum and hope to get some advice on how to deal with my Capricorn man in a very difficult situation. The relationship is new, it started in October, initially always in a group but then he asked me out and he had out first proper date Nov 8th. (I forgot to mention that he is Italian and doesn't speak English and although I live in Italy my Italian is not great either!) We had a great evening, he didn't leave until 6.30am (just talking/cuddling) and messaged me at 8.30 so seemed keen. We saw each other almost every night that first week and then settled into a nice routine of 3/4 times a week after that. The relationship was progressing nicely, 3/4 messages a day mostly from him)and although I wasn't sure initially if he fancied me 'cos of his reserve that became evident later when he let his guard down. However, his elderly mother died suddenly Dec 6th. I forgot to mention that we are both in our 50's, I'm a widow (3 years) and he is separated (4 years with grown up children) In addition to the strong Italian family culture, his father is an invalid so he has had to move back into his father's house to look after him. Obviously I didn't see much of him in December, he is stuck at the house but made a real effort to see me just before I flew to the UK for Christmas. We had a lovely evening together, the sexual chemistry between us was even stronger and we agreed to a more intimate level when I returned. He was also planning on finding a live in home help for his father. Since I??ve been back (Dec 30th) I??ve seen him once when my friend invited him to dinner Jan 3rd. The evening was great, he was tactile, affectionate and attentive — BUT also frustrated and anxious because his father is refusing home help. He couldn't get out for his birthday but said that we would celebrate another time. However, when I suggested a coffee instead he didn't respond to my message??_ In fact he never messages me now unless I message him first, and when I noticed that he is distant when he is with his family, and asked if maybe I should NOT message him he said I can message him ANYTIME I WANT but that when he is with his family he is confused. I really like this man even when he blows hot and cold and I don't want to ruin my chances with him but am not sure what to do next. He knows me to be a strong independent woman but really I am feeling sensitive/insecure and needy.

CONTINUE😱 I am worried that it will show through and I will drive him away. Any advice/insight from fellow Capricorns or anyone with experience of a Capricorn would be greatly appreciated. I understand he cannot get out in the evening and that's difficult but ok but I just cannot understand why he doesn't ask to see me for a coffee.. Of course there is still the language/cultural difference and I also have the feeling that he might be feeling a bit guilty thinking that perhaps whilst spending so much time with me in November he neglected his Mother??s health. Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give me ... I want to make sure I deal with this in the right way .... Oh and I am not a very patient person, I am used to 'making things happen' but this is way outside my control right now. Thank you

if his mother passed in December and father is currently ill....maybe a coffee date is the furthest thing from his mind right now, and will be for a while. i don't really get whats hard to understand about his behavior.

Are you sure he's divorced?

I can totally understand his behaviour and actually him not having a coffee with me is not really an issue at all all even though on reading my message back it probably comes across that way, so sorry for misleading. I am just trying to understand the Capricorn mind and how to find the right balance to support him. I understand from what I've read that they need their space to deal with their problems/emotions BUT that they also need to be reminded that people care about them ...... I am a caring supportive person, and one of my traits is that I like to help 'fix' problems for people I care about which sometimes can come across as trying to get too involved....

aquapiscescusp he is separated not yet divorced. It's Italy and the divorce laws are quite different here and I believe you can only divorce after about 5 years of separation. He also he told me that they agreed (his ex and him) that it was not necessary to divorce unless either one of them met someone else. I've actually met two of his children and also his mother (before she passed) and his father. He has introduced me to his friends so I have no reason at all to doubt his integrity

Listen carefully... Men who love / care for you don't leave you in doubt. They just don't.

Posted by taurus58
aquapiscescusp he is separated not yet divorced. It's Italy and the divorce laws are quite different here and I believe you can only divorce after about 5 years of separation. He also he told me that they agreed (his ex and him) that it was not necessary to divorce unless either one of them met someone else. I've actually met two of his children and also his mother (before she passed) and his father. He has introduced me to his friends so I have no reason at all to doubt his integrity

Ah well those are good signs, especially dealing with an Italian man 😄

Which region of Italy?

Right down in Apulia in the south where the men are even more traditional when it comes to family

Posted by taurus58
Right down in Apulia in the south where the men are even more traditional when it comes to family

Ok... Yeah, don't be too needy, let him figure it out, let him miss you. Are you there to stay for a long time?

I think he has too much on his plate to be in a relationship right now. His time is occupied by caring for his father and it sounds like he's doing it alone and I'm sure he still has his job to contend with.

Like aquapisces said, I do believe if he were more invested with you, he wouldn't leave you wondering, though.

I want to stay here as long as possible, I love the people, the area and the climate. Yes certainly don't want to come across needy, think I've managed to hide it from him so far. However, I know what I'm like and when I don't have the feeling of security I need, I tend to back right off and let go .....which might be the right thing to do in my current situation but I also don't want him to think that I don't care and have abandoned him either.. Thus the question about the Capricorn mind and finding the right balance..

You could always directly ask him what he expects from you right now.

He might not be the most available right now, and that's just the reality of it. If you don't want to abandon him then maybe every few days, or once a week etc, send a message letting him know you are thinking of him and wishing him well in hopes that everything come together. Just msg him how you would a friend in a tough time.

truecap you may very well be right but sadly this happened at a really difficult stage in the relationship and we hadn't quite got to the commitment stage although it felt it was going that way. I felt a very strong connection with him and am pretty sure he felt the same with me. We speak every day on message and he reassures me that he wants me to continue messaging him and even when I don't flag it up, like the other night when I needed to ask him something specific and messaged late so started my message politely (very English) by saying 'sorry to disturb you' he responded by saying 'you never disturb me' which he didn't need to say as Italians also use 'polite' conversation when they write so I took it as reassurance that he is pleased to hear from me. As I said above, my real problem is finding the right balance .... I'm not ready to give up on this and at the same time I don't want to behave in a way that either pushes him away or leaves him feeling rejected. Basically I am out of my depth here and also out of experience of dating as I was in a 30 year relationship before my husband died.

Truecap I did actually ask him directly about messaging ... I said I didn't know if I should message or not .... and he said quote " you can message any time you want".

Yes the reality is that he just has too much on his plate at the moment and this I completely understand and of course he will also be going through his own bereavement.... which I completely understand having been through my own 3 years ago.

Are you all Capricorns on here?

Posted by taurus58
truecap you may very well be right but sadly this happened at a really difficult stage in the relationship and we hadn't quite got to the commitment stage although it felt it was going that way. I felt a very strong connection with him and am pretty sure he felt the same with me. We speak every day on message and he reassures me that he wants me to continue messaging him and even when I don't flag it up, like the other night when I needed to ask him something specific and messaged late so started my message politely (very English) by saying 'sorry to disturb you' he responded by saying 'you never disturb me' which he didn't need to say as Italians also use 'polite' conversation when they write so I took it as reassurance that he is pleased to hear from me. As I said above, my real problem is finding the right balance .... I'm not ready to give up on this and at the same time I don't want to behave in a way that either pushes him away or leaves him feeling rejected. Basically I am out of my depth here and also out of experience of dating as I was in a 30 year relationship before my husband died.

He wants you to continue messaging him... nice ---- sooooo he has time to read your messages but not actually send one. OK. 😄

aquapiscescusp yes that's about it but he also answers them as well. He just doesn't initiate the conversations but I guess that is more about where his head is, at the moment, rather than not wanting to speak to me.

e11e thank you for your advice, I am taking it on board. My gut instinct is to continue messaging him BUT not invite him out as that might put pressure on him and he is under enough pressure as it is. I have basically already resumed the life I had before I met him and have started going back out socialising so am trying to busy myself and get on but he is in my head all the time and its driving me nuts. Yes you put your finger on it when you say the real issue is my insecurities and because of them I question everything I do ... whether its right or wrong....

JanuaryCappie thanks for your input.... very helpful!

Posted by taurus58
Truecap I did actually ask him directly about messaging ... I said I didn't know if I should message or not .... and he said quote " you can message any time you want".

Yes the reality is that he just has too much on his plate at the moment and this I completely understand and of course he will also be going through his own bereavement.... which I completely understand having been through my own 3 years ago.

Are you all Capricorns on here?

It's just an issue of timing. Your relationship was heading in a positive way, then this huge negative happened to him, which puts the relationship on pause.

Inana and I are both caps and I agree with her in that you can check in every so often. He will see it as sweet and caring and not as needy. Keep it light and friendly, nothing heavy or serious. Maybe send some humor his way. Caps respond to humor very well, we need it in our lives, just don't go overboard with it.

Posted by JanuaryCappie

Posted by e11e
I'm not a cap. I'm a scorpio....

However, I don't think the real issue here is him. The real issue here is you. Your insecurities are overwhelming you. Pull out your empathy and use it...and put your ego away. He's going through a difficult time.

Find things outside of him that make you happy and keep yourself busy.

Message him regularly to keep in touch, because he probably needs that with the difficult time he's having and so he doesn't feel abandoned.

That isn't going to give *you* much solace......but you have to understand that this is probably the most difficult time of his life....losing his mother and having a very ill father is a life altering event and every on of us have to face it in some form at some point in our life.

Just sit back and enjoy life the way you enjoyed it before him.....give it time and just let one day at a time happen.

I feel like I can breath now 😄 But this ^^ is the right answer. +100,000,000 points for Scorpio

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And he'll appreciate the support and understanding when it's all said and done.
I'd still be wary if he doesn't contact me, though.

I guess it all comes down to what you expect... or want from a man you are intimate with.

Thanks for the good advice Inana and truecap, this is exactly what I needed to know.... the workings of the Capricorn mind. Yes 'apparently' he has a very good sense of humour which is dry and sarcastic so right up my street, unfortunately my language skills and understanding are just not sufficiently good enough to understand it hahaha!

I'd still be wary that he's technically still married, though. How long has it been since they seperated?

officially 4 years ago but the marriage had broken down at least a year before that. He sees her on a regular basis because of the children who all live with her but they don't really speak or get along and I saw the evidence of that myself at the funeral.... it was very uncomfortable between them.