Help with Cap male situation please.

Good morning! I'm new to this forum, so please let me thank you ahead of time for your help. I've been reading around other forums quite a bit, and have learned a tremendous amount about this Cappy male of mine. LOL! It's offered a great deal of insight to his way of thinking so far.

I am a Libra woman, dating a Cap male.

To give a background on us.....we actually met just about a year ago, online, and dated a few times. He was just not my type at that time, controlling, and arrogant. So, I walked away. I was going through a bad divorce from a controlling arrogant abusive man, and didn't need that in my life. Fast forward a few months, and our paths crossed again. We briefly spoke, he asked for a second chance, telling me it hit him so hard when I walked away. He said he went to counseling after realizing they were his issues that made me walk away.

I felt bad for not hearing him out, and in the end felt very strongly that I would regret us not both giving each a second chance. Things were going really good, he was very attentive, and romantic. Then he slowly stopped returning calls, and emails, stopped respecting my time, wouldn't follow through with what he said he was going to do. Basically, he disappeared.

I allowed him his space, emailing, or calling to leave a voicemail once each time he disappeared. I missed him though, and I initially allowed it to affect me emotionally, and was hurt. But, I learned valuable lessons going through divorce, and I'm not going to chase him. I'm the only one in charge of my happiness, and I'm not going to allow him to disrespect me like this.

After reading through some of the posts here, I've come to realize I need to take my control back, and follow through with what I've learned going through life's lessons. I have a good life, with many many positives in it already. But here is where I'm at right now. I do not doubt in any way that this Cap male wants me in his life. We've been intimate a couple times, and he's told me he needs me in his life. But he isn't respecting my time, and my happiness, he's putting himself first. It's ok for him not to return calls, or emails, but if I don't, he gets upset. That's clearly his arrogance showing through again. That doesn't fly with me. So, I am at the point where I am putting myself back in control, but I don't know what the right approach is, and need help.

I can pretend like nothing has changed, and for me it really hasn't, I care very deeply for this man, and want him in my life. I'm patient, but I know I need to go about my life with what I need to do to be happy, and he's either going to join in, or walk away. He likes to avoid me on my days off, and then call me in the mornings when I'm rushed, getting ready for work, and he's at work too. He likes to show up, unexpectedly, when I get home from work, when I'm tired from being on my feet all day, and just hang out on the couch, snuggling. I would like to date, on my days off, go out, and do things together. Feel pursued. But how do I change this dynamic I've allowed him to create? What is my next step? I'm planning to answer his calls, like nothing has changed, like what he's doing doesn't effect me, that I had an amazing day, even though he didn't call. He always calls a few min before he shows up, but he's already traveling, on his way. I was planning to not be home, be at my sisters, or something........just not home.

Thoughts on my next step?

Thank you!

I neglected to mention he does have children that live with him full time, and he has a job that he is very dedicated to as well. He works alot.

If you have been intimate with him and you guys are in your second chance you should not be trying to hide the way you feel about the situation. We teach people how to treat us and it will only get worse. I know you are avoiding conflict because you think he is going to say that he has to work around his kids schedule but if you are starting to feel like a booty call you need to say something. You don't have to be mean about it just be like I am not a fan of the new dynamic this relationship has fallen into and let him know you feel like he only reaches out when you don't have a lot of time to catch up and shows when it is convienet for him and that you wish their was more balance in the relationship and if he says well his ain't a relationship then you say well thank you heir your time and goodbye. It doesn't seem like you want to be a fwb be clear in what you want with him.

Thank you for the sincere, honest opinions. I feel like such a fool. I have let someone do to me what I said I would not ever again allow. It makes sense though, in the past 3 weeks, he has made time for me once, and it was one of the times we were intimate. He talks a good talk about our "relationship", the things we'll do together, meeting his kids, and our future, he had me fooled.

I am a very sincere woman, I try to be respectful, and I'm patient, I think I made it to easy to take advantage of that, I don't like confrontation. I was definitely not looking for a FWB situation either.

He doesnt respect you. He doesnt value you outside of the bed. So stop entertaining him. You'll never be a caps top priority if you dont respect yourself, and if you arent vocal about your needs and dislikes.

You can get a better man if your attitude changes! Stop acting like a doormat and stop thinking that you really need/want this man. You dont even know him really. You can do better

Yes, I am the only one who knows the situation best, and I do believe he wants me in his life. I also know he isn't respecting me either. After hearing from others on this, and that I was seeing things a bit wrong, my gut is also telling me that if he is doing this after giving him a second chance, the behavior may correct itself for now, but as I told him when we first reconnected, before I said yes to a second chance, I feel I would just be waiting around for the same disrespectful behavior to show up again. I think I may just be fighting that gut instinct telling me something is off, because I'm hoping to see the man I know he could be......or maybe that I wish he could be.

I am planning to give this alot of thought, and have a conversation with him. Put it all out there. I guess if he gets upset, and walks out, unwilling to hear me out, then I have my answer.

Thank you again for helping me through this.

Posted by Lucy1007


1) He was just not my type at that time, controlling, and arrogant.

2) I do not doubt in any way that this Cap male wants me in his life.

3) I'm planning to answer his calls, like nothing has changed, like what he's doing doesn't effect me, that I had an amazing day, even though he didn't call. He always calls a few min before he shows up, but he's already traveling, on his way. I was planning to not be home, be at my sisters, or something........just not home.

First, you should always be weary, in relationships, of people who demand things of you that they aren't willing to offer themselves. Second, I'm glad you realize that you are in control of your happiness but, as Capri-sun mentioned, you may want to work on seeing things for what they are. Why do I say this? According to your statements above;

1) If he is arrogant and controlling- and you don't like that- why continue with this person? Especially, if in your version of events, these behaviors continue to resurface.

2) You may be sure that you want him, but are you clear about whether he wants you? Think about the issues raised in point 1. Think about how he is treating you now. Is that how you keep the people you want in your life? Are you sure you aren't just a convenience?

3) This is you being manipulative. Don't stoop to his level. The "control " dynamic/ game you are about to play is a fools errand. Why? In the end, you will find that the only person you can control is yourself. "Well I am trying to control the situation not him" - This is also false. The "situation" involves/ revolves around behavior from 2 people- you and him. Since you can only control one half of this dynamic (yourself), your ability to change it is very limited. What you can do, however, is choose not to participate. So if you don't want to see him, just don't. No need to lie and play games. Be honest about what you are doing and why. Let him match that behavior, if he chooses. Don't stoop down and match his.

daron76.....I do fully see what you are saying, and this is why I came here, looking for help. My original post and plan was only because I thought he was disappearing on me. It was a confusing time, and I'm not perfect, but I can learn, and that's what I'm trying to do. This has been a very enlightening place to be, and I'm grateful for the help. As we all know, relationships, and everything that goes along with them can sometimes be difficult. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

Hey, dear! I'm going through a similar phase,.too. I'm a Leo and it's been 9-10 months with him. He doesn't call me when I'm busy or show up unexpectedly but otherwise, things are almost the same.

Both of us are single. We live in neighbouring states. The disappearing act happens so often. He accuses me of 'not understanding him' and seeing only my side of things, but I feel that every time I want to tell him I'm unhappy with him about something, immediately he'd blame me for the same, before I could bring it up.

But I am openly demanding and I confront him when I'm annoyed as I hate being treated like an option. I've tried being calm and patient, but it didn't work at all. When I confront, he'd either not respond at all, say something arrogant indirectly (on his blog or page), he'd accuse me that I don't understand (how can I understand when he shares nothing with me?), or he'd yell back!

After several repeats, a few months before, I tried to end it. It was very painful for me to be tossed around in the name of love. Especially when I'd totally committed to him (but he never committed, he played it safe and only said he loved me a few times). With great difficulty, I found my strength and ended it. In almost 10 days, he was back apologising. I trusted him then. (A big mistake—)

Then he got back to his old form, ignoring me. And coming to me only when it suits him. It's like he's the sole authority who gets to decide how things should happen!

I got highly frustrated and said that we should break up. Then, he posts a beautiful poem on his blog expressing how much he wants me!

But when I confront him, politely asking him if he's comfortable, if I hurt him by leaving him or anything, I'm not getting any proper answer.

Sick! It's kinda difficult to part. I am fighting against myself to not text him again. But I wonder if I should do things differently and if he'll change in future or not! It's very difficult. Icon imagine how it should be for you.

Do these guys enjoy leaving women confused?

InLoveWithLife......THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing your experience. I'm literally heartbroken sitting here realizing your experience is my experience, both for what you went through, and for what I now know I have to do. It's good to hear this though, to know I'm not alone in this. It's just sad.

Posted by Lucy1007
InLoveWithLife......THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing your experience. I'm literally heartbroken sitting here realizing your experience is my experience, both for what you went through, and for what I now know I have to do. It's good to hear this though, to know I'm not alone in this. It's just sad.

Yes, dear. I understand. I do kinda hate myself for having spent so much of my time, effort and energy on him in the past and also for still thinking of him and wondering if he's doing good. Apart from what my friends have to tell me, sweetheart, like you said, I guess that knowing we're not the only ones is the only relief we can find during this stage! I really wish you overcome the pain soon!

Thank you InLoveWithLife! I wish you the best as well. It's not easy to go through at all, it is a very confusing time, and you do second guess yourself sometimes. Day by day I always say. 🙂

I haven't heard from him since Sat night. This is the longest amount of time in between calls, and not speaking. I've had a great deal of time to think, and I remembered something he said to me after the first time he disappeared. He told me it was good to go through this, to see how I handled different situations. He said it would get better. At the time I remember feeling like I was being tested, and I didn't know why.

He's had a good deal of health issues these last three months, and I know it's worried him, and he works alot. I've noticed when he's been easy to upset, it was during times he's had little to no control over these health issues.

I'm not making excuses for him, and acting the way he has toward me is no excuse, but I feel I at least need to have a serious conversation with him, to express my concerns, and my unhappiness, give him the opportunity to see my side, give me the opportunity to see how he will react to hearing my needs. I've heard nothing from him in 4 days, and I haven't contacted him. It's typically been 2 days in between contact, but I've usually contacted him to prompt that call. Should I just wait to hear from him, or try to reach out?

Lol Elle.....we must have been typing at the same time. 🙂

I am not offended in the least bit by your response. The help I've gotten here has been amazing, and I know folks have my best interest at heart, while trying to help me at the same time.

I'm just about to walk out the door for work, and I want to read through your response again, it's filled with great info!! Just wanted to quickly thank you for taking the time to respond. 🙂

Posted by -elle-
I am going to respond but please don't construe my response as sticking up for him....or insulting you.

Check your libra bits.

I am saying this because I'm heavy libra and I've done this twice with a capricorn and probably all the relationships I've ever been in.

At the beginning stages of a relationship, those that are libra heavy are overexaggerated 'people pleasers' and to be honest, it doesn't bother us at all....we love that. It makes us overjoyed and completely happy.

It's actually quite selfish though....it's not 'people pleasing' at all.....it's 'self pleasing'.

As the relationship goes on....we start to expect the same in return....but what we actually get is something much different. We have trained our partner to see us in a false light. Our expectations are all skewed because we are focusing too much on what the other wants because it makes us happy. Men observe women...their likes, their dislilkes...they try to please us....so, if we are not showing them what pleases us...outside of us pleasing them...we are setting everyone up to ultimately fail.

...they can not read our minds..they do not know that we are, in fact, giving off hints of what we want to see in return....the whole libra mantra..."Do unto others as you want.....blah blah blah"

he might THINK you like that he shows up unannounced....because you APPEARED to the first couple times and never said a word about it. Do that a few times...and it becomes..."My girl loves this...I will keep it up."

You HAVE to voice those little annoyances up front in order for someone to change their behaviour....you cannot save it up and bitch about it later.

I am really guilty of this....moreso in the past...because these little things never bothered me when they were counted as one at a time...but as the relationship progresses, I have a huge flourishing garden of resentment from all the little "one" seeds I planted along the way.

Best advice, start NOW. Voice whatever is bothering you....the relationship will flourish or it will die. It's only fair (lol..libra) to do this now. Because if you would have done it much sooner, you would have been able to gauge compatibility much sooner.

In my current relationship...I am VERY vocal about my "Libra"...he's not fullly astrologically aware...but he knows certain queues now to not take because I'm being particularly "Libra"....I might pout a little but I know it's for my own good.

Co sign +111111111111111

I agree with you, Lucy1007! It's making me crazy (as though otherwise I don't go crazy at all, lol), telling myself that I won't do it (I won't think about him or contact him or check his blog) and then doing it later!

One minute, my mind would say, "he doesn't respect you, so leave him!" and later the same mind would say, "But if he's going through some struggle/confusing period, that's when you must be there by his side. If you leave him now, how can you call it love?"

Phew! And he's so 'manly', no, that cute, also arrogant, stubborn, and tight-lipped fellow would never admit that he wants me or needs me unless and until he's drunk or only in the form of poetry, or very rarely, when we get intimate! Phew! Guessing what's running in his mind is enough to kill anybody's peace!

Lol, Lucy and Elle, I guess I've gotta agree with both of you. Lucy - it's the same. The longest time of no contact. The last few times, he did come back. Earlier it used to be me going back to him unable to maintain silence for even a day or two. But this time, it really is confusing. He doesn't respond or he gives cold responses, which I really don't think he means. I feel that it's his stone wall speaking! Not sure, though.

And this guy's had a severe accident (he fractured his leg) and is now with his parents after the surgery. I so wanted to see him and be there with him. He strongly refused. We had a fight. Following his blocking-unblocking-blocking antics (he surely must be confused), I sent him a long mail saying never to come back to me again. At this point I was strong.

Then, that same day, he posted a beautiful, short poem on how much he wants me, expressing his longing. Since then, phew! Me back to crazy!

Yes, Elle! What you say seems to apply to me too, but I'm a Leo, and I don't look at it as 'people pleasing'. I just call it 'strong love'. All those I like and love face it. They get embarrassed or shocked with my loud expressions and grand gestures of love, lol, but my friends seem to love it. And when it comes to getting back what I give, yes, I definitely do want at least a fair share of what I give, not from all, but only from the man of my life. And when I don't get it, little Leo can't keep her cool! Phew! My loud tantrums versus his passive aggressive nature - every small thing ends up feeling like a power struggle!

So please don't get hard. 🙂

Will you be okay if the future of the relationship is always directed by him?

The other possibility is that he's afraid you're going to leave again, so he's trying to preempt you. If that's the case, that needs to get out in the open before it festers and ruins everything.

Thank you so much for this post, it's very kind, and honest. I don't think at my age, that I will get hard, I do care about others, and I just keep bouncing back with the hope my time is coming, LOL. I'm 48 BTW.

To answer your first question above, no, I would not be ok with a relationship solely directed by him. I would like to think I am not a push over. I do have my limits.

As for your second question above, I know he had talked about me moving in, and I told him I was definitely open to it, just not now, it's to soon for me. That was just around the last time I saw him.....but the last time I saw him, I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks before that, so I don't think that is it.

He also seems to like me emailing him every day, and has commented when I don't. I stopped when he stopped responding. I did say something to him about the fact I never got responses, but he didn't say anything. I think he needs daily reassurance that I am here, but I have told him many times I was not planning on going anywhere.

I do hear what you are saying, am I really willing to live a life like this, and my answer would be a definite no. I just want to be sure this isn't for some very specific reason before I walk away.

I have not heard from him in 8 days now, and I'm fine with that. I've come to terms with the way things are, and I will not contact him, for the simple fact that I deserve better. I have no urge to contact him, which tells me that I truly was not happy. No third chances. Moving on!

Thank you to everyone that responded, for guiding me through this, and helping me look closely at myself. I learned a good deal about me, and what I need to do in my next relationship.

Posted by Lucy1007
Yes, I am the only one who knows the situation best, and I do believe he wants me in his life. I also know he isn't respecting me either. After hearing from others on this, and that I was seeing things a bit wrong, my gut is also telling me that if he is doing this after giving him a second chance, the behavior may correct itself for now, but as I told him when we first reconnected, before I said yes to a second chance, I feel I would just be waiting around for the same disrespectful behavior to show up again. I think I may just be fighting that gut instinct telling me something is off, because I'm hoping to see the man I know he could be......or maybe that I wish he could be.

I am planning to give this alot of thought, and have a conversation with him. Put it all out there. I guess if he gets upset, and walks out, unwilling to hear me out, then I have my answer.

Thank you again for helping me through this.

Yeah he may want you in his life but clearly wanting you on his terms, terms that are disruptive to your life.

He's not being respectful because you allowed his terms to supercede your terms. If you have loose boundaries then a man will walk all over you.

If he's a full-time father and dedicated to work then he really doesn't have much time for a real relationship which is why he's behaving the way he's behaving with you. This guy has to include you in his life in order to demonstrate he's serious about you and he simply isn't doing that.

Time to move on...

Posted by Lucy1007
I have not heard from him in 8 days now, and I'm fine with that. I've come to terms with the way things are, and I will not contact him, for the simple fact that I deserve better. I have no urge to contact him, which tells me that I truly was not happy. No third chances. Moving on!

Thank you to everyone that responded, for guiding me through this, and helping me look closely at myself. I learned a good deal about me, and what I need to do in my next relationship.

Good for you!

Thank you tiki33. Appreciate it! 🙂