Should I be concerned?

Just found out my 22 yo cap daughter is seeing a 40 yo man. I haven't met him. All I know about him is that he has body tattoos (which is mainstream now) and shaves his head (which is normal for a man that age).

Should I be concerned?

Not necessarily. Meet the guy first and leave her the option to come back home. No need to go in guns blazing just because he is much older. There must be something that attracts her to him.

So either he is a really nice guy or it will be a phase that she grows out of in time.

Hopefully, you younger folks can throw some insight on it.

Would you date someone 20 years older? Why?

As far as him, WTH would he want someone so much younger? My thoughts on this aspect are not so good. Young impressionable girl? Someone he can control? Mid life crises? Regaining his youth? Young piece of a $ $ ?

She usually sees people for a short while and then they irritate her and she dumps them. Hoping this will be the case here.

Posted by TigerCap
Not necessarily. Meet the guy first and leave her the option to come back home. No need to go in guns blazing just because he is much older. There must be something that attracts her to him.

So either he is a really nice guy or it will be a phase that she grows out of in time.

OH, I wouldn't go in guns blazin'. lol!

Just concerned about her.

Posted by TigerCap
Not necessarily. Meet the guy first and leave her the option to come back home. No need to go in guns blazing just because he is much older. There must be something that attracts her to him.

So either he is a really nice guy or it will be a phase that she grows out of in time.

Last year, she dated one that was 30ish. I met him and liked him. He was another cap. lol!
I approved. They didn't last long, though.

Does she have a good relationship with her father?

Posted by SpiceNSugar
Does she have a good relationship with her father?

She did until she was 18, and after our divorce, she has no relationship with him. He did some crazy things that destroyed their relationship.

I do wonder if it's daddy issues. However, she has two grandfathers that she's really close to.

To be really honest, and with no judgement call whatsoever, often (NOT ALWAYS) young women who go after older men are looking for fatherly recognition.

Grandpas don't count because their love is different from that of a father.

It may be the Electra Complex playing out.

Posted by SpiceNSugar
To be really honest, and with no judgement call whatsoever, often (NOT ALWAYS) young women who go after older men are looking for fatherly recognition.

Grandpas don't count because their love is different from that of a father.

It may be the Electra Complex playing out.

You may be right. That has always been my impression, too.

There's nothing I can do about it, so I will just support her decisions.

Posted by MetaphysicalReciprocity55
This reminds me of a situation I was in when I was 18. My mom, who is also a Cap, wasn't too thrilled that a 30 yr old Cap man was trying to date me. I had never had a boyfriend and once he realized how sheltered and inexperienced I as t was, he actually wanted to ask my mother for permission to marry me.

Like most Caps I know, I appreciate wisdom and advice from those who possess it. Especially from people that are older than me.

My mom did have a talk with me and tell me that as my mother she'd always wanted the best for me and that there was no part of her that believed he was it.

I was young, very impressionable, and easily manipulated by this man. He was a musician and somewhat of a celebrity in my city. Stark contrast to my sheltered life in poverty growing up. So, it was the idea of something different that enticed me. We also tend to be mature for our age, which is probably what your daughter is feeling right now: that she's found someone mature that can appreciate her as a woman.

Tell her what my mom told me: 'There's a reason why a woman his age isn't with him.'

Everytime the 30 yr old would take me out to one of his shows or to a gala of some sort, my mom's words would be resounding in my mind.

I finally saw it for myself...but had honestly also trusted my mother's thoughts and instincts regarding the situation.

I decided to focus on college instead...still never had a boyfriend. Joined the Air Force and met who was to become my husband. He was my age, handsome, smart...and inexperienced like me. :-)

So, voice your concerns in a non-overbearing way...so it can be the voice of reason when you're not around.

That's great! Thanks for sharing. It really helps a lot.

She does say the boys her age are immature and jerk girls around. Which I understand that.

But, that's it. Why can't he find a woman his own age?

And the thing that concerns me is the fact that she is naive and could easily be manipulated. She has a dependent personality, but at the same time is cap strong in her convictions. Hasn't ever been one to "go with the crowd".

Posted by Arielle83
Yuck. He's gross. It's def daddy issues if her dad meant a lot to her. He sounds nasty. Step in and tell her she's too beautiful to fall for an old fuck up

I agree. And that's good advice. She was talking to my mom and did refer to him as an old man

Posted by Arielle83
The dad doesn't sound nasty but mr 40 odd does. Even tho I'm married I 32 3still love older men for the mental mind connection, but some dudes are feral.
My husband doesn't give a shit if I forage a mental connection though. Maybe it's just the fact she's 22. If she was 32 it wouldn't matter?

Ten years okay. I get it. But 20 years. Yeah, it's gross on his part.

Posted by caliber
i would not date someone that much older, especially at that age. it's kind of creepy and i would not trust the intent.

then again, i personally have to deal with respect issues from older people. i have a young face and a somewhat bubbly personality irl. most people think i'm 17-18 years old and do NOT treat me like an adult as it is.. and i never understood the whole "daddy issue" thing... i don't talk to my father now and haven't talked to him in over 8 years. i wouldn't say i've ever looked for anyone who resembles him at all... the opposite actually. so i can't really comment on that.

as far as your daughter goes, i would be positive when she talks about him or shares information. don't let her clam up by showing disapproval until you have a legitimate reason for it - you'll never get to know the man she's dating, and she will feel unsupported and alienated. you need to see and understand a better picture of him and who he is before coming to any conclusions about him as a person, and being an open book is the best way to do it. there are relationships with huge age gaps that do work out there.

Good point. I intend on being supportive. She will clam up if I'm not. I'd much rather know what she's doing than not know. However, I do have concerns that I might need to express in a light way so she doesn't shut down.

Posted by LittleStar
I am 25 and the Pisces is 38. There are moments where the age gap is noticeable but it's not such a big thing.

I admit I do have daddy issues, but the main reason why I liked older men is that they actually seem to know what they are doing. As for the Pisces the fact that he was with a woman already/been married means that all those issues that come up when living together have already been dealt with. "Men" my age are pretty inexperienced and/or unrelatable for me. Since I have a daughter being with another parent is good too.

I dated someone 9 years older when I was 18. The age gap was more of an issue back then when I was younger than at 26.

The main issue is that he has to treat her respectfully. I wouldn't freak out because if he is a creep then she might not feel like it's okay to come to you/he might try to alienate you if she's still in the infatuation stage, which for me last until about 23. 😉

True. That's good advise. As long as he treats her well, I have no real issues. I just don't want a son in law born in the same decade as me. lol!

She told me in the past that she liked older guys, like 40. I said 'if I dated someone 20 years older, they'd be 67...ewwww." We laughed. She said "make sure he has a lot of money and is about to kick the bucket". We laughed some more. It was all jokes then.

I don't think she sees it the same way though because at 40 they're still pretty agile and like to go do things. At 60 they act like old men. She doesn't see the long term of if it works out.

She is a Cap, maybe she doesnt find a sufficient mature mind or attitude.

Caps also like "bad boys" but what I see in there is always a bit of intensity/earthy connection but nothing else.

Try to see if they are mentally connected, if they talk about things, thats the only way it goes well.

Maybe she isn't asking for your approval.



Maybe you should just let her live without your interference.



Neither of these two people have spoken, so the only information we have is according to another person's perspective.

wtf?

ARe people really telling you to put limits on her?


Why are you treating her like she's 12?

Does anyone in here realize that their comments were based on their own experience ... and that this isn't about you, and what you experienced?

this is about someone else. You cannot decide the worth of someone's relationship who isn't even here to speak for themselves, based on your life.

That makes everything you say biased.

What the fuck does your conversation with your mother have to do with two people you don't even know?

Posted by caliber

i seriously JUST had a conversation with my mom about ......

wtf?

Nearly all people who had an opinion, talked about themselves and their lives.

truecap, I don't understand the point you are trying to drive across here.

Posted by P-Angel

Maybe she isn't asking for your approval.



Maybe you should just let her live without your interference.



Neither of these two people have spoken, so the only information we have is according to another person's perspective.

No, she isn't seeking my approval. But, as a mom, I'm still concerned. As would any good mom be.

Posted by P-Angel

truecap, I don't understand the point you are trying to drive across here.

Just wanted some insight from the people her age bracket.

Posted by KsamCancer
While it is a little weird for that...age gap, and you are concerned for her well being as a mom and all, she's 22 and should know what's best for herself by now. You said she dates a lot of people and dumps them quickly, then it sounds like she has enough experience dating. I personally wouldn't date someone 40 years old, but if that's what she wants to do then that's her choice.

Yes, I know. I just worry. 🙂

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by caliber

i seriously JUST had a conversation with my mom about ......

wtf?

Nearly all people who had an opinion, talked about themselves and their lives.

click to expand

They shared their points of view. That's what I was looking for. Points of view from the younger generation.

Well, I'll chime in now.

I am 40, as is this man your daughter is dating/wants to date?? Whatever.

Under no circumstances would I date a 22 year old girl. None.

I would consider myself a creep for even considering it. And, I consider this man a weirdo as well.

And for those saying she your daughter knows what is best for her ---- Uhhh, NO, she doesn't.

At 22, nobody knows their ass from their elbow (in general). Risk assessment isn't even established biologically until the age of 25.

I'd be concerned and monitor the situation closer than normal.

My 2 cents (which is worth 37 bucks and change).

I'd be concerned.
Though from whats been said, she knows the age gap will come into play the longer things go on.
She proably just playing the field, nothing serious.

I'd still be listening out catiously and hoping a younger man manages to catch her eye so she'll ditch the 40 year old.

I recommend TigerCap. All he has to do is be more appealing than the 40 year old. After that Trucap can send him home since his job would have been done. 😄

Posted by CapTenn
Well, I'll chime in now.

I am 40, as is this man your daughter is dating/wants to date?? Whatever.

Under no circumstances would I date a 22 year old girl. None.

I would consider myself a creep for even considering it. And, I consider this man a weirdo as well.

And for those saying she your daughter knows what is best for her ---- Uhhh, NO, she doesn't.

At 22, nobody knows their ass from their elbow (in general). Risk assessment isn't even established biologically until the age of 25.

I'd be concerned and monitor the situation closer than normal.

My 2 cents (which is worth 37 bucks and change).

That's what I'm thinking, and why I'm concerned.

Posted by SirHorns
I'd be concerned.
Though from whats been said, she knows the age gap will come into play the longer things go on.
She proably just playing the field, nothing serious.

I'd still be listening out catiously and hoping a younger man manages to catch her eye so she'll ditch the 40 year old.

I recommend TigerCap. All he has to do is be more appealing than the 40 year old. After that Trucap can send him home since his job would have been done. 😄

Yeah, I hope a younger guy catches her eye, too.

lol @ recommending Tigercap. 😄

Posted by tiziani

Posted by CapTenn
Risk assessment isn't even established biologically until the age of 25.

Can you elaborate on this?

click to expand

It's a proven fact of psychological and cognitive development of the brain. The brain isn't fully developed until the age of 25 so full assessment of consequences or risk analysis is questionable for people under the age of 25.

Posted by KsamCancer

Posted by tiziani

Posted by CapTenn
Risk assessment isn't even established biologically until the age of 25.

Can you elaborate on this?

I'm pretty sure that couldn't be further from the truth. A 15 year old knows when theyre in danger

click to expand

http://www.teaglefoundation.org/Resources/Additional-Resources/Cognition-and-Brain-Development-in-Students-of-Tra

Posted by tiziani
Just everything you think you know about a woman before 25, just forget about it because the blueprints are all going up in flames eventually.

Perhaps this is why it is recommended not to get married until age of 25 or older.

Well, folks, I'm heading out for a weekend away with my aquaman, so I won't be checking in on DXP. Keep posting comments though and I'll read them when I get back.

I appreciate everyone's input. It has helped in understanding her viewpoint and helped to determine if I sould be concerned.

Looking forward to reading more comments on the topic.

Posted by truecap
Well, folks, I'm heading out for a weekend away with my aquaman, so I won't be checking in on DXP. Keep posting comments though and I'll read them when I get back.

I appreciate everyone's input. It has helped in understanding her viewpoint and helped to determine if I sould be concerned.

Looking forward to reading more comments on the topic.

have fun this weekend!!!!

it's Friday!!! yay.

Posted by truecap
Just found out my 22 yo cap daughter is seeing a 40 yo man. I haven't met him. All I know about him is that he has body tattoos (which is mainstream now) and shaves his head (which is normal for a man that age).

Should I be concerned?

if he's a good man and takes care of your daughter, is good to her (despite looking like a headbanger) she's Lucky!!! and if your daughter loves him and vice versa, it's all good.

Truecap, I dated a taurus guy 18 yrs older than me when I was 21. We were together for 2.5 yrs.

Now I can't presume to know what this is for your daughter or the guy she's dating, I can, however, say that for me and the guy i'd dated it was a very meaningful relationship. I learned a lot from it and I'll bet he did too.

Everyone he and I both knew had a hard time accepting it the first few months. Everyone. At that age, the age gap is enough. When we broke up (i ended it) one of the reasons, albeit one of the last, was because my step-mom couldn't accept it. Family support is important to me. More than I'd realized at the time. But eventually nobody could see us apart.

I say spend some time with your daughter and with the two of them. Learn what they're all about keeping in mind that you might not be able to figure out what each individually is really looking for in the other. Not readily.

Looking back at it??_ the taurus and i went into that relationship wanting two separate things and both came out of it wanting something different. He went into it just wanting to be in a relationship. After we broke up, he was a lot more marriage and commitment minded than when we went into it. Whereas I went into it all bright eyed and marriage minded, attracted to his maturity and also how young at heart he was. then coming out of it wanting to live my youth.

My parents have always been really hands-off with me, so there weren't too many people guiding me through that one, but I'd say I went through that figuring out everything I needed to and came out of it in a better spot. I'd think with a mother like you, she'll be just fine no matter what eventuates from the two of them. I say keep an open mind and a watchful eye.

Do I have daddy issues? I had some concerning my step-mom and emotional abandonment when I was a kid and teenager. I was still getting over it in my early twenties, but you could never say that my dad didn't provide. We did have a strained relationship back then though. I think this had very little to do with that relationship. Guys my age annoyed me. Looking back??_ all the guys I'd dated, I seemed to have more success connecting with guys in their thirties. without fail??_ dating guys in their 20s bit me in the ass.

And I dont doubt that it was my youth that attracted him to me. Perhaps, part of what kept him with me. I see other relationships with similar age gaps and youth is definitely a physical attraction, but if a young woman has a thoughtful mind of her own??_ i'm sure that's very refreshing and possibly more attractive. Back then??_ 80% of my friends were in their thirties. I held my own just fine, and he and i actually met through a friend of mine that was in her 40s.

Posted by truecap

But, as a mom, I'm still concerned. As would any good mom be.

concerned about what?

ARe you concerned that she might have a life experience that you don't approve of?

He could be the love of her life for all you know. And you know why you don't know?

Because she's not you.

Furthermore, I completely disagree with you saying, "as would any good mom be" ... it implies that the definition of good mom, is your standards.

A good mom wouldn't provoke negative thinking in others for purposes of getting false feedback. And all of it was false, considering not one person in here knows the truth ... not even you.

A good mom would find out how her daughter actually feels before making any kind of assessment.

very negative thinking process going on here.

Posted by bnr7013
I can understand her reasoning but HIS baffles me...

Really?


Tell us then ... what is her reasoning, and what is his that baffles you?

This relationship COULD be good. It might bring her most important life lesson to her.

You don't know and can't automatically assume that it is something to worry about.

Because you speculate that this coupling may come with warning flags, that it is then correct to carry this paranoid energy with you, and will be the vibe she picks up.

Maybe that's why she never makes in a relationship ..... maybe you shouldn't make a decision on how to perceive her boyfriends until she actually expresses to you how she feels.

If you expect your daughter to look up to you and regard your judgment .... then shouldn't you give her the same pass?

Again .... I don't get the point you are trying to drive at with this thread, other than you want to control her love life.

Not meaning to piss you off ... I call it as I see it, and I see that you need to remove yourself from her intimate life, unless she shares it with you.

Posted by MetaphysicalReciprocity55


Tell her what my mom told me: 'There's a reason why a woman his age isn't with him.'

+10000

Do not give me wrong, I'm into emotionally MATURE older men (I have Venus in Capricorn) 5-6 years is the age gap that I will date and hook up with now. I know a friend that's dating someone much older than her (she's into older guys anyway). She really likes him. He seems like a nice guy too. However, it's rare. From my experience with older men, it's rare to find a good one (you can say that for all ages though) I was hanging out with a guy in his 30s. I knew he wasn't the one. I made it clear in the beginning. He was so close to my father's age. He was a gentleman, but he grew to like me. I had to end it. Because of his age, he wanted more than just a relationship.

From my experience and what I have seen from my friends, acquaintances, and family members, etc. Older guys like younger girls because they think are easy to persuade and control. Thank goodness I had good sense to pick up their games and end it. One of the worst experiences that I had with men was with a 35 year old. Never again. I was way more mature than him!

I'm not trying to scare you or anything. I'm hoping he's a good guy. But as a mother, just watch out and give your daughter the best advice that you can. However, its up to her to decide if she wants to be with him or not. I did not have the best parents while growing up. I had to learn a lot about people in general from my own experiences. If it turns out bad, at least she will have you for support.
🙂

Posted by JanuaryCappie
What if it's the other way around.

I'm curious if there's anything wrong with a 26 year old man dating a woman 20 years older than him lol

when Mohammed was 26 he married a 40 years old woman. he overtook the administeration of her finances.

I'd be v concerned and agree with the other posters there's a reason he's not with women his own age.

Plus Daddy issues - any way you can try to help re-build that relationship? I'm pretty sure daddy wouldn't want his lil princess taken advantage of by such an older guy.

I'm hoping it's a phase too but what ever you do she might rebel

Guys her age are irresponsible maybe get her to spend time on other hobbies/hang out with friends more eventually she'll see how her n the guy have hardly anything in common

Posted by truecap

Posted by tiziani

Posted by CapTenn
Risk assessment isn't even established biologically until the age of 25.

Can you elaborate on this?

It's a proven fact of psychological and cognitive development of the brain. The brain isn't fully developed until the age of 25 so full assessment of consequences or risk analysis is questionable for people under the age of 25.

click to expand

Exactly... And men it's at 30.

Yes, I would be concerned with HIM. Keep an eye out for him and if you must, even a gun 😄

just meet him, get to know him.

would you be concerned if he looked like these guys? 😄

Posted by cowpuncher

Lots of guys in their 40s who date a woman that young are those age-phobic types who can't stand the fact that they're getting older, and somehow feel like they are magically younger because they are dating a young female.

Excellent point!

Posted by Chance15
Why can't she go out with a creepy douchebag her own age

LOL!