Forgiveness

If you forgive someone, you are supposed to just let it go right? Real forgiveness, not acceptance.

I grew up being taught that forgiveness means separating as far as the east is from the west... the whole "sea of forgetfulness" thing. So if you forgive someone, how can you protect yourself in the future? Does forgiveness inherently leave you open to be taken advantage of again and again?

It seems like there should be some middle ground here but by definition you cannot guard against something you have forgiven someone for.

I forgive but NEVER forget. To me holding onto resentment makes me bitter, and it does not feel good to be bitter. I have forgiven them for what they have done, but what they have done will stay with me forever, and I will make sure it never happens again.

I tend to be quite a forgiving person but i have a strict "three strikes and your out" type of rule. So I could forgive someone for something really hurtful and then they could do something nowhere near as bad that they get cut off forever for.

Forgive (to me) means letting go of the feelings you have (anger, bitterness).. it's a long process.

"So if you forgive someone, how can you protect yourself in the future? Does forgiveness inherently leave you open to be taken advantage of again and again?"

I don't get this.

I forgive someone, but am not obliged to them anymore. I can choose not to put myself in compromising positions where I would feel taken advantage of. You can be nice (within limits), and be kind and polite, but dont have to have anything to do with them.

Thats what I did with someone who I feel betrayed me. I keep her at a distance, view her as another person existing, but have no obligation nor desire for contact. i.e.: non entity.

I don't think theres such thing as true forgiveness. Perhaps if it gets erased from your memory. Or you just block it out.

If you see the good in the other person, then view them in a new light and give them another go.

But if they are the same as before, why bother? You're only hurting yourself.

seriously I hate having ADD ^^^^^^

I see forgiveness as letting go the hate and turning it over to god/karma. Although you forgive doesnt mean you forgot about it.

I understand the points everyone is making.

I too believe in "true forgiveness". Forgive, forget and move on. Move on does not mean you have to continue a relationship / friendship / whatever, just that the thing which was forgiven is gone.

Libra Sun and Soap made the comment of forgive but don't forget. I know we've all heard this before but it doesn't make sense to me. If you don't "forget" then you didn't really forgive. Forget doesn't mean to have your memory erased, it just means you don't hold it against them, they were forgiven. If you suddenly bring it up and say "woah, what about when you..." that's cheating.

—I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.?? ~~ Henry Ward Beecher

To me forgive but not forget means I will never forget they way they made me feel but I will forgive them for it. For example my ex fiance and I are now best friends. When I was trying to save our relationship he was busy trying to sleep with teenagers. I have forgiven him for what he did to me but I can NEVER forget how much what he did hurt me, which is why we are no longer together.

I didnt instantly forgive him it took time, but now I honestly hold no hard feelings towards him which is why we can be best friends, but my heart will never forget the pain he made me feel. I dont bring it up, and never use it against him but it will always be there. If something is forgotten then how can anyone learn from it? He knows he has been forgiven but hopefully he will take what he has learnt from this to his next relationship.

Forgiveness means letting it go and holding no resentment for that person. When you hear of something good happening in their life, you smile and cheer them on. But, for me, forgiveness does not necessarily mean that person should have access to your life again. You can forgive and let it go, yet still remain separate.

Agreed ^^^

Forgiving is beneficial for YOU, it is so you can move on with or without that person in your life. It is not to ease their conscience but to stop the harm that unforgiveness causes YOU!

Forgetting can be detrimental to YOU, it's something remind us to keep your eyes wide open, a lesson of life that this sort of thing can occur from someone we have chosen to be close. And a reminder that it could happen again with ANYONE.

Posted by Sultanaa

I know this is a serious discussion going on... but I was not able to resist posting this 😢 😢 😢 😢

That was funny, what is that from?

"Am I being punk'd, where's Aston?"

Forgiveness is a difficult issue for me as I am apt to forgive and forget very readily.
Especially when somebody asks for forgiveness, even sometimes when I can detect the insincerity in it, I can't deny them.
And as a result, I have been hurt repeatedly by the same people.
When this happens, I don't hold resentment, I still grant them forgiveness, but I recognize my stupidity and distance myself.

I found this site to be helpful...http://www.livestrong.com/article/14679-handling-forgiving-and-forgetting/

I would mention a few noteworthy...

What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?
1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.

3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.

4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt and pain over this offense.

5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.

Have to say that Im with little_sparrow on this one. Once someone has hurt me or crossed the line I no longer include them in my life. I suppose that I wish them well in the future but they are not allowed in for a repeat performance. I move on and I hope that they do as well and find whatever they need or theyre looking for.

I think for me it depends on what happens after the event. If someone came to me for forgiveness and was sincere and willing to do what it took to recover I think I would eventually forgive them, and, Id at least like to think, forget as well (although it would take some time). It probably depends on what occured. In a way I think its a bit arroant to think I havent made a mistake myself somewhere.

I do appreciate all the responses I got here and privately.

I think I got it all sorted out in my head now. A friend laid it out pretty simple for me.
"Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you. They must prove they have changed over time."

First, I don't care about the "commanded by god" part but I do agree with the sentiment. My problem isn't really with being able to forgive and forget it's about learning to trust again.

A few people have commented that they believe in true forgiveness or that they are known to be "too" forgiving. I am right there with these folks. I don't see it as a bad thing though. The forgiveness frees you up inside so you aren't consumed by bitterness or whatever. The key is deciding whether or not you want to work to rebuild trust and not to try and rush it.