Libra Boyfriend Ignoring Me

Hey folks! I've been pouring over this forum for a few hours now, and hopefully I can solicit some advice from you. 😄

The relationship I (Gemini) have with my boyfriend (Libra) is almost like a fairytale. He pursued me hard until he won my hard, flew me out to go see him, wasn't at the aiport but had a crazy story as to why (it's long and complicated, but I believe him) and is now moving across the country to live with me. We live in China -- he's Chinese and I'm not -- so we do have some cultural misunderstandings to work through, but his Libra blood runs strooooong.

But now, I'm confused and anxious and panickey. Before the got on the road to come to my city, he and I would talk endlessly for hours, sometimes all night right until the next morning. Phone calls, texts, chatting, you name it. But ever since he left, we've had very little communication and now he is flat out ignoring me.

It should only take two days to drive to where I am, but so far it's taken almost a week. He says the car he is driving is a right clunker and the going is slow. I've talked to him maybe four times this past week and he can never tell me exactly where he is, except for the last time we spoke when he said he was in a city about 900km away.

I'm talking to his brother, his brother's wife, and youngest sister online as well, and his brother indicated that he thought he was still in his original city, but it was just guess. I?

i would ignore you too

Aaaaand... seems that reached the character limit!

Continued:
His brother called him last night and asked him where he was, but he said my boyfriend wouldn't tell him where he was and told him not to meddle in our affairs. His brother said he sounded angry, and didn't understand why he was acting like that. I know now that my boyfriend is actively ignoring me, since he will answer his brother's calls but not mine.

I haven't spoken to him at all today, and sent him a text last night that said I trusted his love and would wait until he contacted me himself. I don't understand why he is willing to make such a huge, romantic guesture and life change by moving across the country to live with me, only to keep me in the dark the entire time. Have I done something wrong to offend him? Is this the famous Libra Disappearing Act? I asked him upfront if he wanted me to stop calling, and he said no, but there's not point in calling if there won't be an answer. I'm a flustered wreck!

One, how old is he?

Two, how long has he been your "boyfriend?"

Three, it sounds like he's doing the typical immature Libran boy bs. Realizes his stupid ass moved too fast and now he's backpedaling to cover his impulsive behavior.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
One, how old is he?

Two, how long has he been your "boyfriend?"

Three, it sounds like he's doing the typical immature Libran boy bs. Realizes his stupid ass moved too fast and now he's backpedaling to cover his impulsive behavior.

He's 26, we've been talking for about 5 months and been an "official couple" for 2.

I'm worried about the backpedaling as well... he's been divorced for six years (in his ethnic culture, it's typical for people to get married around 16). He caught his wife in the act of cheating, divorced her, and has been alone since, save for two short-lived girlfriends who dumped him because he doesn't make much money (typical of Chinese culture in general). He told me from the get-go that he was looking for a long-term commited relationship. I was able to find him a job and have been helping him a bit financially so he can get over here, but we have admittedly gone from 0-60 pretty damn fast...

Posted by tiziani
I don't see what makes you analyse it, if he comes to your city like he says he will then you know you both have something to work off. If he doesn't, then you know you don't.

Either way, you will know. In the meantime if you're peppering him with questions and calls because you're not used to receiving less attention that's one thing. But if you're then going to tell him it's because of him, or bring up his history and use that... sufficed to say in his shoes I'd find that more than annoying and wonder what I'm driving into, myself.

I think in moments like this less is more. You'll see if he's the real deal or not if he materialises in person.

I'd never use his history against him, that would be so cruel, and all I really want from him in the calls is an update to his location. The roads aren't exactly the safest here, and between university and work I kinda need to know his ETA so I can get the time off to help him set up when he gets here.

I can deal with him not wanting to chat while he's on the road, that's totally understandable and driving long distance is a stressful endeavor, but I feel that at least one update per day isn't that unreasonble of a task, even if it's just, "Hey, I'm in City X now. Heading for City Y tomorrow."

Insecurity is another factor, I'll admit. My ex boyfriend really decieved and hurt me, and has left me suspicious of other people whereas I'm usually trusting to a fault. He and I have talked about that, and he says he understands where I'm coming from. I DO trust him, but there's a little voice inside my head clamouring, "he's going to fuck you over, just wait and see, he's taking your money and running you silly girl!" Is that my own shit to deal with? Absolutely. But the sudden drop in communication coupled with the conversation I had with his brother really hasn't helped.

I guess all I can do at this point is keep the faith and wait.

I think waiting is the only thing you can do, but if it was me I would kinda hope he never shows up, cause he sounds a little bit insecure and maybe not really knowing what he is doing.
So what if he DID show up, you would probably still be out of your mind, maybe thinking he was cheating or other bad stuff, and it would turn into a trust issue right from the start, which is no good.

So leave him alone and await his next move, but I would probably get cold feet myself if I were you

My best friend of many years is a Libra, and I've done quite a lot of research about them. You need to ignore him back. Libras pull back because they are still weighing their decisions. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he wants to be 200 percent sure of his decisions. The best way you can help him stick to his decision is to ignore him back. Don't be mean. Just give him space. Give him the time to sort it out in his head. He will realize he misses you and might even lose you. Then, he will go forward without a doubt... but only for so long until the next decision he has to make 😉

When he reappears, act like it didn't bother you at all and that you were too busy to really notice (but only if he asks if you missed him). Otherwise, just treat him like a friend. It is really the best way to relate to a Libra -- treat them like a friend first. Space. Support. No jealousy. Positivity. But don't always be available to them or it becomes predictable and boring to them. They need to miss you.

It is ultimately up to you to decide if this kind of effort is what you can give. Don't try to make anyone fall in love with you because the superficiality of it wears off. Truly keep in mind if he is compatible with you or not without having to manipulate him or change yourself much.

Take care!

hang on, you've given him money?

@ackeibler - forget him and lead your own life. Cross analyzing is only going to make you feel worse. He is disrespecting you and your feelings and this stage; if he decides to come back - take him back only on your terms and conditions! There are no excuses to ignore someone you claim to love, for an extended period of time!

So...did you ever actually meet him? He flew you to the airport but you said he wasn't there. Did he met you after or did the plan to meet fail?

What's the Chinese word for catfish?

Why are you sending him money?


The conversation with the brother would make me skeptical too.

Posted by EarthenFire
You need to ignore him back. Libras pull back because they are still weighing their decisions. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he wants to be 200 percent sure of his decisions. The best way you can help him stick to his decision is to ignore him back. Don't be mean. Just give him space. Give him the time to sort it out in his head.

Don't try to make anyone fall in love with you because the superficiality of it wears off. Truly keep in mind if he is compatible with you or not without having to manipulate him or change yourself much.

I sure wish he was 200 percent sure of his decision before he decided to make the move hahaha. Although it truly does seem that the more I try to reach out to him, the more he pulls back. It seems a bit hypocritical of him, since previously he would think I was ignoring him if I missed one of his calls or didn't respond to his txts right away. As for the ignoring part goes... I guess it's pretty easy to ignore someone when you have no way of contacting them, so as folks have been saying, the ball is all in his court. I'll be sitting quietly and focusing on work and school until he shows up (or doesn't).

He was actually the first to fall in love with me, though. When I told him I wasn't quite there yet, he told me he would wait for me, and he did. Up until now, all of his actions have mirrored those of love, and he's never previously given me a reason to doubt him.

Posted by LibraSid
1) So...did you ever actually meet him? He flew you to the airport but you said he wasn't there. Did he met you after or did the plan to meet fail?

2) What's the Chinese word for catfish?

3) Why are you sending him money?


4) The conversation with the brother would make me skeptical too.

1) Yeah, I met him. I was angry at him (and angrier at myself) when I landed and he wasn't there, but I decided to stay the night in a hotel and head back in the morning rather than head back that same night. He got in contact with me that evening and apologized profusely, and asked me to wait for him in the hotel for a couple of days. I did so... didn't have anything better to do at that point... and eventually he did show up. He had a very good explanation for not being there, although it's a very long and personal story that I'm not too comfortable posting here. But regardless, the evidence he provided to back up his explanation was more than sufficient.

We spent several days together, and he planned on taking me back to his hometown to chill with his family, but the roads were closed due to heavy snows and hazardous conditions, so I ended up returning to my "home" city early.

2) No direct equivilent for catfish, but —_? (pianzi) works nicely.

3) He's a cowherd, so he doesn't have much money to begin with, especially in the winter. He also lost his wallet and the majority of his cash when we were on bus between cities. It's not uncommon for folks here to carry large sums of cash since they don't trust the banks and don't want to leave it at home. When it came time to move, planes, trains and buses weren't an option since he's bringing all of his stuff with him. He'd secured a ride with a friend who wanted to charge him 4000rmb to ferry him over (for gas, lodging, and time) but he didn't have enough to pay the amount his friend wanted. I told him I'd pay what he couldn't afford, and he rejected my offer at first (he said it wasn't fair to take the money of a woman, especially a foreign woman) but he eventually accepted because he was eager to get over here, too.

4)If it wasn't for the convo with his brother, I doubt I would be this worried about everything. His brother seems confident that he truly is on his way to me, though.

Posted by ScorpiosHarmony
Your Gemini instincts are speaking to you but you are not listening as well as you should be. You know he's actively ignoring you to possibly wriggle his way out of your relationship. How can a 26 year old man not locate where he's at, does he not have a map? A Smart phone, or are there no roadsigns.
!

I've been going back and forth internally between "nothing makes sense" and "it's all still logically possible".

He has a smartphone, but not all of China is network-accessible, and all phones are on a pay-as-you-go plan. If I try to use my 3G or 2G outside of my province, 8 times out of 10 it won't work, and if it does it will eat up the money I've put on my phone at an alarming rate. So for now, his phone is basically useless for everything except making phone calls. Most hotels in cities have wifi, but if he's staying the night at small village motels, having wifi would be a surprise.

As for roadsigns, highways are marked, but not as well as what we'd see in the West. Very few roadsigns on non-highway country roads, and if the vehicle he's in is as bad as he says it is, he might be sticking to country roads and avoiding the highway. We've also mostly talked after dark, and I can understand how it would be hard to really know where you are, especially if you're not familiar with the provinces you're driving through. I've made the journey from the bottom of Indiana to Chicago a few times, and there are certainly stretches of road where, if you called and asked me where I was, all I could tell you would be "X hours out of Indy", but no specific location. It's also completely possible that, if he and his friend are switching off driving, he might take a nap and wake up and really not know where he is when I call.

But... not telling his brother where he is, and not taking into consideration my worries and anxieties, and flat out ignoring my calls... that's not something I can put up with for long. I FEEL that most of this is coming from him not wanting to face any more stress or anxiety while he is driving endlessly, and just ignoring the problem and not doing anything is easier than having tense conversations whilst behind the wheel of a car. But that still doesn't make his actions right.

I will say that if it turns out he contacts me and tells me he isn't coming, or that he turned around and went home, etc, I will be done.

Posted by ackeibler


But... not telling his brother where he is, and not taking into consideration my worries and anxieties, and flat out ignoring my calls... that's not something I can put up with for long. I FEEL that most of this is coming from him not wanting to face any more stress or anxiety while he is driving endlessly, and just ignoring the problem and not doing anything is easier than having tense conversations whilst behind the wheel of a car. But that still doesn't make his actions right.

sorry, but this kind of shit just doesn't fly with me, not when i am in an a relationship with that person. i can understand if he is busy at that particular point in time but if it happens over a period of time and he doesn't bother to call or text back then it is game over. that kind of behaviour speaks volumes about his level of respect for you.

is there any chance that he might actually be in your city now and just doesn't want to see you? did you give the money directly to his friend? do you trust that the story about his friend requiring payment is true? is that a reasonable sum?

Posted by jeane
is there any chance that he might actually be in your city now and just doesn't want to see you? did you give the money directly to his friend? do you trust that the story about his friend requiring payment is true? is that a reasonable sum?

At this point, I think anything is possible. He could be anywhere. I gave the money to him, not his friend, but I trust that his friend requiring that payment is true. 4000rmb is about 650USD, and the total distance from his city to my city is just about the same as that of going from Denver, CO to Washington DC. Gas alone would cost over $ 300 for that trip, and it's even more expensive here in China. Plus lodgings and money paid for time spent, I'd say it's a fair amount.

Posted by munchykin
This sounds like an elaborate version of the classic romance scam.

I'd be inclined to believe that, if it weren't for the fact that he paid for my flight out to see him and my return ticket home... which overall costs more than what I've given him. If it is a long-term scam, he still hasn't broke even... but I'll certainly be on guard if he asks for more money. (Not that he has ever ASKED, I've always offered instead.)

Posted by ackeibler

Posted by rockyroadicecream
One, how old is he?

Two, how long has he been your "boyfriend?"

Three, it sounds like he's doing the typical immature Libran boy bs. Realizes his stupid ass moved too fast and now he's backpedaling to cover his impulsive behavior.

He's 26, we've been talking for about 5 months and been an "official couple" for 2.

I'm worried about the backpedaling as well... he's been divorced for six years (in his ethnic culture, it's typical for people to get married around 16). He caught his wife in the act of cheating, divorced her, and has been alone since, save for two short-lived girlfriends who dumped him because he doesn't make much money (typical of Chinese culture in general). He told me from the get-go that he was looking for a long-term commited relationship. I was able to find him a job and have been helping him a bit financially so he can get over here, but we have admittedly gone from 0-60 pretty damn fast...

click to expand

Sorry, but only immature idiots make a major life move to another city for a relationship that's this new.

He's getting cold feet.

I gotta ask why YOU thought any of this was a good idea? You're not innocent, either. Why did you agree to him moving to your city for you when you two haven't really been together all that long?

All I see is you making excuses for his shit.

This also sounds like a catfish scenario. The fact that he's so defensive about his whereabouts after taking your money is a give away.

You need to move on. This pseudo relationship is nothing but that- fake. He liked it when it was a fairytale, but now that it's real, omgherd, time to backpedal.

Thank you, everyone for your advice and observations. It's been a long, hard day of processing, and although I'm still resistant to the idea of him being anything other than genuine, I promise I've been taking everything you all have said to heart, and slowly digesting it.

I talked with his brother a bit more tonight, and he said sometimes he will go through phases where he doesn't communicate with anyone, although he was surprised that he would do the same to his girlfriend. His brother also believes that he will show up. Still processing that information, too.

I've decided that I will wait until Saturday for him to show up. In the meantime, I won't try to contact him. If he contacts me between now and then and says he's still on his way, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. If he contacts me and tells me he isn't on his way for whatever reason, I will not continue to pursue the relationship.

Knowing myself, if he does show up in the flesh, I won't be able to turn him away. But he and I will have to sit down and have a long, hard discussion about the importance of communication and trust and how this has all made me feel. There are still a lot of factors that could be playing into this... anything from as complicated as a cultural misunderstanding or as simple as no cell service. OR it could all just be bullshit.

Either way, thank you all again for your replies. You have helped me a lot, and I'll be sure to keep you updated with the ultimate result.

Posted by rockyroadicecream

I gotta ask why YOU thought any of this was a good idea? You're not innocent, either. Why did you agree to him moving to your city for you when you two haven't really been together all that long?

It just kinda fell into place.

He had been thinking about moving to my city for awhile -- it's a common destination for people of his ethnicity (he's Islamic Hui, not Han) and he's done business in the city before and enjoyed it.

I happen to know a guy with good connections in the area of work he was looking for, and was able to secure a job for him with a pay advance after his first week.

The lease with my roomate is up in two weeks, and I don't function well in LDRs. After we met, we discussed where we wanted to take the relationship, and decided that my city held the best opportunities for himself and our relationship's future.

Thus the plan was born.

Honestly, while it would be nice to see all this pan out and not just be some effed up communication issue, I can't help but wonder if he was using you for your connections as well.

Does this mean you're moving in together since your lease is up or just going to be in the same city?