Loosing My Mind (long ramble/rant)

Sometimes I just want to scream or hit something.

I am living with family because I relocated across the country. My mom and step dad took in me and the kids and I am very grateful for that. I hate to bitch because our situation could be so much worse but what it is still drives me crazy. The kids moved here a while before I did and their grandparents jumped in and have done great by them. The problem lies in that they haven't backed off at all since I got here. It is very much a situation of too many chiefs, not enough Indians. I talk with them and we are all on the same page with the big stuff, but I cannot wait to move out. If the kids ask a question, they spit out an answer before I get a chance. They are also very traditional and archaic in their child raising ideals. I think I turned out alright, but I want to do things differently then how I had them. Also, they question my decisions all the time. Why did I let Daniel go roller skating with a friend before his science project was done, why would I even consider extending their bedtime, Shouldn't Megan be doing xyz instead of abc, etc, etc, etc...
Is it wrong that I just want them to shut up? These are my kids, let me handle them.


I have been re-evaluating the things that are important in my life and know that I have some big changes ahead of me once I finally do move out. I am not afraid of these; I actually look forward to it very much. I picked my career largely because of the financial benefits of it. Shockingly, (/sarcasm) it has left my work life horribly unfulfilling. I am in the early stages of re-registering for college and actively looking at what career choices would be better for me. In the meantime, I spend far too much of my time rotting away from the inside in this office building. I miss working with people. This cubicle shit is for the birds!

Speaking of missing human interaction... I don't have any friends. That is because I have moved back and forth across the country a couple times in the last five years. All the friends I made are hundreds of miles away. Even worse, it appears I have forgotten how to make friends. I think that a lot of that has come from losing faith in people in general, it makes me less interested in talking to random people. Another part of it is that I got old. I used to go to parties in school, hang out with the guys from the shop, I went to youth groups... I did all kinds of stuff and was around all kinds of people... and they loved me. I don't really care if any specific person likes me, but I do want to be liked. I miss having friends to go hang out with regularly. This cube farm is not conducive to meeting people.

I don't even know where to go to meet people any more. I have nothing in common with the people I work with. Most of them are several years older than I am and are straight laced, professional, and religious people. A thirty one year old, pot head, atheist wouldn't really fit in at their dinner parties. School was done years ago, that was by far the easiest place to meet people. Trapped in a room with them for hours, days, weeks, months??_ no one can be around me that much and not love me??_ lol. Church is another one that was good when I was younger but I don't think would be good now. I don't believe the same things and don't want to saddle my kids with a lifetime of guilt by raising them in church. Aside from not knowing where to go, I don't even know what to say to people anymore. I am disinterested in small talk with strangers.

I also am in a very sticky spot with my ex. I want so much for things to work out and for her to be my happily ever after, I just don't see that happening. We aren't right for each other. I have tried to look past it before and I have tried to make it work but we just maybe should have stayed friends. We want different things from a relationship, emotionally we are in very different places, and affectionately we are night and day. We have fun together, we can talk for hours about anything or nothing, I just don't feel it anymore. I feel like I was her —smart choice??, not what her heart wanted. I was the safe one she could come back to when everything was at its worst. Just like I always have been, I am the silent rock she leans on but doesn't build a foundation. Sometimes I think I am wanting too much too quick, she hasn't been here very long yet but it still feels like things are just wrong between us. I can't explain it, I just know I was happier before she came back. I question things too much now. The sticky spot is that she lives with us. She called the other month and laid it on thick about working it out and starting over. She wanted to move here and get her own place and a job and support herself while she and I worked on us. It was the best news I had received in a long time and I jumped on it. Anyway, now I find myself wishing I had listened to my friends and family and told her to pound sand. I don't hate her or want her to fail or anything (quite the opposite actually) it just kills me to see her everyday and to feel the way I do. What can I do though? I just have to get through the next few months.



And to top it all off??_ my weed man flaked on me last night??_ I am all out 😢


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

That was really long... it feels good to just get all that crap out sometimes.

we laways have the same shit. US and our fucking decisions. i guess with your ex you said yes because you were afraid if you said no you might regret it. but when you said yes to her and found out you really never wanted her back thats when we're fucked. same shit relationship story. i said no but ex kept pushing and pushing and i felt why not give it a shot again but the feeling is actually gone. wait till your ex fucks up and im sure youll go say goodbye in a heartbeat and i know youre waiting for it to happen so you can have an excuse. Right now my ex fucked up and boy im glad its over now. We just need the power to say " NO!!!!!! ".... fuck i think i need weed too.

you got a lot going on. that is a lot of stress. and if your ex is not going to be a help to you, then she shouldn't be there to add to the pressure. aquas don't like to be where they are not wanted. i know you want the best for her, but if you are not into what she wants to restore your relationship, you should let her know. then maybe she can get a rush on getting her own place. so the kids can visit with her and give you a break so you aren't so stressed.

it doesnt sound like now is a good time to try to restore a relationship anyway, with all this other stuff going on.

and parents don't stop being parents just because your an adult. you already know what needs to be done about that...move. until that time, you will just have to be patient with them. they will never understand, that you are an adult and want to raise your kids your way. they look at you as their son, their little boy, that needs their help.

and once you get settled into your own place and be able to relax a little you will make friends again. just right now you are focused on getting your career together and getting your family settled.

I read through what you wrote. Won't be very much help but I recommend "art of racing in the rain" - Garth Stein which immediately came up. You might relate to the "grandparent tyranny" thing.. your option is moving out with your kids sooner rather than later.

Regarding the ex, don't feel obliged to get back when you don't want to. In the long run, she will thank you for not dragging things without fruition. When a decision is made, cut it clean, your life would be much easier.

Libra08
My best friend told me I shouldn't even call her back when she wanted to move here. When he and I got to talking I settled on exactly what you are saying. I wasn't sure if it was possible to make something work but I know that IF it was, then I wanted it no matter how hard it would be. If I didn't try I'd have wondered 'what if' forever. I'm not really waiting for an excuse to throw her out though. I couldn't do that, it would be wrong. I told her that she could stay with us while she found a job and saved a bit to get out on her own. She started working the other week, has an open house for college later this week, we made a budget to help her saving plans, it is just gonna take time.

Chemengin
I know that my mom is just trying to help, that's why I said I don't like to complain. They really have done great for the kids. I couldn't be happier about how enthusiastically they jumped in and gave the kids some stability when things went nuts for us. You are dead on though, it does sometimes seem like she sees her helpless little boy rather than a 31 y/o man. It is just one of those deeply irritating things where I want to scream "they're my kids damnit, back off"

As for the ex, we have talked a few times since she has been here. We've have the teary eyed conversations and the ones where it's all piss and vinegar. She knows that I am ready for her and I to move out (seperately) and to get on with my life. We talk about our short and long term plans, together and apart. Just the other day though she said that when I move out this summer she is coming with me. I said no. She felt it would be weird for her to live with my mother and step father if I moved out. I said she is living with them now and it's not a problem, besides it'd be weirder for her and I to move out and back in together. The kids were talking to me over the weekend about when we move this summer and how it will be just the three of us, not mommy or the baby. They are happy she is here (of course) but they also know that her living with us is temporary. Her coming with us would be very bad for them, and me. In an earlier conversation she said that regardless how good or bad things are going between her and I that she wanted to move out and support herself for a while and I agreed. I don't know why she all the sudden is talking about moving out with me.

She is very confusing to me.

You do have friends Sid. They're where they've always been. 🙂

Posted by spica
I read through what you wrote. Won't be very much help but I recommend "art of racing in the rain" - Garth Stein which immediately came up. You might relate to the "grandparent tyranny" thing.. your option is moving out with your kids sooner rather than later.

I will check this out, thanks! Tyranny is an amusing word for it. I mentioned moving this summer to my mother and she basically freaked, she doesn't like the idea. I dropped it for the time being because it is still a few months off and I don't want to rock the boat. There are enough waves at the moment. I'm looking at four months or so, that's not bad. I am not very patient though, aries moon?

Posted by aquaj
I know exactly how you feel. I've often wondered how one goes about meeting new friends, too, when I've gone through transitional periods where my entire friend group changed. For a pothead atheist I would suggest No Kidding meetings but that wouldn't work for you for obvious reasons... you've got kids. I don't know. It's a good question. It's what "I Love You, Bro" was about.

For clarity, I overuse the word pothead because to a non-smoker if you use it at all you are one. It doesn't effect my day to day life, I still work all the time and pay bills etc. I am a responsible adult who just likes to get high. I don't care if a new friend was a smoker or not, some of my friends do, some don't. That said, I do keep it away from the kids. It's the same with church. I grew up there and many of my childhood friends are still very involved in it. They know where I stand and what my beliefs are, we don't push it on each other. I think they are afraid to try and convert me again because I'd win the arguement haha. I have 'convinced' or 'converted' people in both directions at various times in my life.

Was "I love you, man" a thread?

Posted by aquaj
Because Saturn is currently in Libra, a lot of Libras are shedding their long-running relationships. It's a hard time on those with Saturn in their sun sign's first or seventh house.

Yep and this is the tail end (I think... hope) of my Saturn return. I remember people telling me about that when I first came here a while back. Looking at it again it is strangely accurate in a lot of aspects. This was definitely a time of shaking things up, reflection, and personal growth.

Posted by venusianbull
You do have friends Sid. They're where they've always been. 🙂

I know... I am the one who moved... again! haha 😛

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by spica
I read through what you wrote. Won't be very much help but I recommend "art of racing in the rain" - Garth Stein which immediately came up. You might relate to the "grandparent tyranny" thing.. your option is moving out with your kids sooner rather than later.

I will check this out, thanks! Tyranny is an amusing word for it. I mentioned moving this summer to my mother and she basically freaked, she doesn't like the idea. I dropped it for the time being because it is still a few months off and I don't want to rock the boat. There are enough waves at the moment. I'm looking at four months or so, that's not bad. I am not very patient though, aries moon?

click to expand

Sorry that wasn't a good term to use but I keep getting "control freak" in the picture. You're in their house so you have to play by their rules.. I noticed my parents are getting more rigid the older they are, and I fear when I have kids in future they (my mum esp) will also pull this on me. She no longer listens to reason - it's her way or no way.. Read that older people tend to be like this. Unfortunate but.

Your Libra sun takes over the Aries impatience. My libra friend has moon/mars conjunct, which is similar to Aries moon - impatient, yeah, but he ends up waiting anyway. Timing is more important.

By the way you do sound like you are doing too much at once, and your plate is too full. Slow down and things will happen as they are meant to. I actually have the same problem but I have people whom I seek advise from and they also say this. You won't miss the boat in anything when you take one step at a time. Do meditations/ seek God and you will feel calmer.

Yes timing is critical, I wait too... I just don't like it, lol. Tyranny was a fine word, I know what you mean, it just made me smile. While I have said here that they makes me want to scream, I would never yell at my mother. I know that I am a guest in their home and would never disrespect her in that way (even if I wasn't a guest). I am just MUCH more laid back than they are. Things don't generally get under my skin or get me all hot and bothered.

For instance, my son and I took the last few weekends working on his science project. The grandparents "let me have this one" because they don't like big projects like that. Anyway, I said right at the beginning that him and I would handle with this and that no other adult in the house need give it another moments thought. Hahahahahahahahahaha yeah right... they were all over me. I kept telling them that he and I were on top of it and that it would be ready but they kept on about why it wasn't done yet. The response, "It isn't due yet" wasn't good enough. Long story short, we got it done and turned in early but every couple days I was getting asked by one of the other three adults how the project was coming.

The end result was the same, the project was complete and turned in on time. It's just different methods.

Posted by spica
By the way you do sound like you are doing too much at once, and your plate is too full. Slow down and things will happen as they are meant to. I actually have the same problem but I have people whom I seek advise from and they also say this. You won't miss the boat in anything when you take one step at a time. Do meditations/ seek God and you will feel calmer.

How do you not take on this much at once? It's not like I seek out new trials or anything. I am just working on rebuilding my life. It has taken way too long imho already. I can't wait til the summer when I move to start looking at the rest of my life. I can't wait til I switch careers before I move.

I do meditate (personal reflection... no candles or chants or anything) and very much enjoy the quiet but when that time ends, the problems are still there. I look at what is in front of me and break each problem down into steps. Then I just start doing what I can. Most of the time this stuff doesn't get to me and I can focus on the parts that are ready and let the future wait. Recently though it has just been gnawing at me.

it cut off my comment..sorry

but i would feel weird staying there with your parents. its different because you and the kids are there. with just her, being ther thats going to be weird. she better just save some money and move when you do if she can, if not sooner.

Posted by LibraSid
Yes timing is critical, I wait too... I just don't like it, lol. Tyranny was a fine word, I know what you mean, it just made me smile. While I have said here that they makes me want to scream, I would never yell at my mother. I know that I am a guest in their home and would never disrespect her in that way (even if I wasn't a guest). I am just MUCH more laid back than they are. Things don't generally get under my skin or get me all hot and bothered.

For instance, my son and I took the last few weekends working on his science project. The grandparents "let me have this one" because they don't like big projects like that. Anyway, I said right at the beginning that him and I would handle with this and that no other adult in the house need give it another moments thought. Hahahahahahahahahaha yeah right... they were all over me. I kept telling them that he and I were on top of it and that it would be ready but they kept on about why it wasn't done yet. The response, "It isn't due yet" wasn't good enough. Long story short, we got it done and turned in early but every couple days I was getting asked by one of the other three adults how the project was coming.

The end result was the same, the project was complete and turned in on time. It's just different methods.

man thats annoying..
thats like taking a road trip with people and they continuously ask, "are we there yet? are we there yet?"

Posted by chemengin
it cut off my comment..sorry

but i would feel weird staying there with your parents. its different because you and the kids are there. with just her, being ther thats going to be weird. she better just save some money and move when you do if she can, if not sooner.

What if there is absolutely 100% no way she will be ready to move until several months after I am?

Some history, she and I have known each other since we were 15ish. We didn't exactly 'grow up together', we went seperate ways for a while but we spent a LOT of time with each others families over the years and each of us had a great relationship with the others parents. Mine watched her grow up, hers watched me. She is the midle of three girls and I of three boys. When we got married each family gained the son/daughter they never had and it was one they liked alot. Hell, when my b-day came six months or so after we split, her parents called and asked me to stop by. When I got there they had a little cake and a gift. They invited me to Thanksgiving dinner as well. I know that is me with her parents but my mom has been very welcoming and exceptionally kind since my ex got here.

Posted by aquaj

Posted by LibraSid
Was "I love you, man" a thread?

No, it was a movie starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel😄 I think the premise was an engaged Paul Rudd was tired of being friendless and neutered by his fiance so he placed a Craiglist ad for a bro-friend.

click to expand

I've used CL to buy and sell, never to meet people. I thought about it once before I left TX but even in the platonic m4m section it was all gay.

HAHAHA

Here I checked locally...

Section - Strictly Platonic - m4m

Chill Friends - m4m - 19
Looking for a friend to chill wit or text on the regular basically a friends with benefits type thing I'm 19 blk do have pics can't host alot so you must know a place t go. Sex is fine but looking for a guy that wants to chill anyway hit me up. Guys around my age is a plus

Need massage today! would like to swap massage with mature guy - m4m - 48
TODAY ONLY!!! Will be in [town] around 3pm; LIMITED TIME
Would like to swap massage with guy today, no sex needed; rub all over.
I will bring the lotion to your place.
Send email and I will call you back, discreet, confidential, fun.

BI-MARRIED - m4m - 51
Looking for someone to talk to and have good communication skills. Would like to make some nice friends on here. No pics is necessary,just simple communication. Very open minded and a very nice person, looking for same.

Looking for adventure buddy - like son types - m4m - 47
I am masc. sane, safe. Into all kinds of things from being a rockhound, to outdoor activities like snorkeling on [river], hiking, to tinkering around the house... Also like adventure-going to new places,seeing new things...Non-smoker,college educated,gainfully employed...Hit me back, see if we connect...Can provide pics when i get urs...I am discreet, divorced 2yrs-biwm, my stats 47, 6ft - 225, white 7-cut and 36 waist...Like sports, tinkering with muscle cars, do some fishing ,love the ocean,body surfing and enjoying the water...so traveling is a biggie too.




I'd much rather hang out at church...

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by chemengin
it cut off my comment..sorry

but i would feel weird staying there with your parents. its different because you and the kids are there. with just her, being ther thats going to be weird. she better just save some money and move when you do if she can, if not sooner.

What if there is absolutely 100% no way she will be ready to move until several months after I am?

Some history, she and I have known each other since we were 15ish. We didn't exactly 'grow up together', we went seperate ways for a while but we spent a LOT of time with each others families over the years and each of us had a great relationship with the others parents. Mine watched her grow up, hers watched me. She is the midle of three girls and I of three boys. When we got married each family gained the son/daughter they never had and it was one they liked alot. Hell, when my b-day came six months or so after we split, her parents called and asked me to stop by. When I got there they had a little cake and a gift. They invited me to Thanksgiving dinner as well. I know that is me with her parents but my mom has been very welcoming and exceptionally kind since my ex got here.

click to expand

mmmmm so it was my initial thought, she wants to work it out but knows you do not. so she was trying. but you've made your point clear (or she got that vibe from you). she knows you dont want too, so she will have to move on. she is not going to admit that because she probably cant handle the rejection. thats why she is just throwing these comments out there that are confusing you.

Posted by SultrySultana

Posted by LibraSid


And to top it all off??_ my weed man flaked on me last night??_ I am all out 😢


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

That was really long... it feels good to just get all that crap out sometimes.

I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YO Pain Man! 😭

click to expand

That has been remedied, all is well again!

Posted by chemengin
mmmmm so it was my initial thought, she wants to work it out but knows you do not. so she was trying. but you've made your point clear (or she got that vibe from you). she knows you dont want too, so she will have to move on. she is not going to admit that because she probably cant handle the rejection. thats why she is just throwing these comments out there that are confusing you.

I would love to know why you say that. Not saying you are right or wrong but that just isnt at all how i saw it.

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by chemengin
mmmmm so it was my initial thought, she wants to work it out but knows you do not. so she was trying. but you've made your point clear (or she got that vibe from you). she knows you dont want too, so she will have to move on. she is not going to admit that because she probably cant handle the rejection. thats why she is just throwing these comments out there that are confusing you.

I would love to know why you say that. Not saying you are right or wrong but that just isnt at all how i saw it.

click to expand

because thats how things are done when we are vulnerable and when we can see its not going to go our way. usually, but like you said, i could be wrong.

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by venusianbull
You do have friends Sid. They're where they've always been. 🙂

I know... I am the one who moved... again! haha 😛

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LOL 😛 That's on you buddeh! *I* am still in the same place. Just a well placed hoof to the rear sir. 🙂

Wow, LibraSid- your story is almost a mirror of mine. I totally understand your frustrations; I'm living back home w/family, too, after a surprising divorce situation, I have young twins, and we lived in 3 states since they were born before coming back to Cali. Doing what I can to rebuild my life, build a career AND I have the parental clashing over my parenting, my choices, etc, etc, ETC! I take responsibility for my life, try to be positive but it's damn hard to balance so many things and not blow when the emotional support is just not flowing too well here "at home" (striving to move out and make my OWN home).

On top of that I have a strong-willed Leo mom who just will not be called on her crap and unfairness. We can be very close but then there are often just clashes b/c she just will not "play nice". It upsets my sense of fairness so much but I've learned I have to change up my reactions in order to stay sane. *sigh*- it's just a big exercise in drawing out my strengths but it gets tiring now and then.

I try my utmost to be respectful but there are so many things that try my patience and you know that takes a lot for a Libra! BTW, I found this wonderful forum to understand the new Libra guy who was making me confused, adding to the powderkeg of emotions going on, lol! I've never gotten close to any Libra males in all my life before, I assumed he'd be very similar to me. Haha, how naive of me! 🙂 Seriously, I've learned a lot here, everyone's got such great input, and I do see that Libra men have fabulous gifts but if they're not fully "cooked" and you are, it can be a big, big issue.

Anyway, what I find that helps a lot is to take little bits of happiness where I can, when I can create it. It's a great release valve to just take some time for myself (hard, I know!) and go walking or even buy myself some treat, take time out to just breathe and remember some good things. And of course, basking in the joy of the kiddies. Good luck to you and feel free to PM any time you need to vent.