@lilyofthevalley
9 Years
Unsolicited advice: How to know you’re in the right relationship
Posted by LittleStar_II
It’s not so much that you have to be high levels of all three but that you are on compatible levels of it.
Yes. I think semi-high to very high is a good goal in the first few years. And after that, it should still stay above average.
I'd argue that the way you argue and approach and resolve/compromise over disagreements will tell you more about whether your in the right relationship.
Also your long term goals need to align.
You can have a 10/10 on the emotional, intellectual, and physical level. But if they are... for example... highly religious and you are not, or if they don't want kids and you do... etc etc... long term just isn't going to work out.
Posted by LadyNeptune
I'd argue that the way you argue and approach and resolve/compromise over disagreements will tell you more about whether your in the right relationship.
Also your long term goals need to align.
You can have a 10/10 on the emotional, intellectual, and physical level. But if they are... for example... highly religious and you are not, or if they don't want kids and you do... etc etc... long term just isn't going to work out.
Yes..This is actually what I also meant by intellectual... planning and goals, religion are decisions, like intellectual pursuits. So there should be a foundation of similar-enough thinking, while also being able to cooperate and work through more minor problems
Posted by LittleStar_II
Posted by lilyofthevalley
Posted by LittleStar_II
It’s not so much that you have to be high levels of all three but that you are on compatible levels of it.
Yes. I think semi-high to very high is a good goal in the first few years. And after that, it should still stay above average.
Nah. You should match each other’s energy
click to expand
True! But all of these things combine to make an energy match.. it’s actually the definition of it, in my book. And the other thing is that we can easily believe we have an “energy match” even when only one of these factors exist in the relationship, which I believe won’t work out in the long term
Are you willing to grow together? Mature... Because you can have all this, and then it changes, evolves. If you refuse to, it changes the dynamic. Still could be divorce in the future.. possible cheating Or other problems when it changes to imbalance.
100% in agreement with the OP in addition to maturity mentioned by @gobby, however emotional connection would cover that as emotionally mature person would not survive with an immature one.
Bear in mind that having all three in one person is very difficult to find, so get ready for some perseverance.
Posted by GemiAwesomeAss
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Are you willing to grow together? Mature... Because you can have all this, and then it changes, evolves. If you refuse to, it changes the dynamic. Still could be divorce in the future.. possible cheating Or other problems when it changes to imbalance.
What if he already happy with himself and considering himself grown enough and want to just live life?
click to expand
He has that choice of course. My point is if you don’t grow & mature together, an imbalance can happen. so, if there is an Imbalance then what? The other just accepts it, or cheats, or leaves. Isn’t it selfish to think you are grown enough and refuse to deal with issues or problems? What about the other person? Do you care they are not happy anymore & why?
Or do they think they are perfect & have nothing else to learn in this world?
Posted by GemiAwesomeAss
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by GemiAwesomeAss
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Are you willing to grow together? Mature... Because you can have all this, and then it changes, evolves. If you refuse to, it changes the dynamic. Still could be divorce in the future.. possible cheating Or other problems when it changes to imbalance.
What if he already happy with himself and considering himself grown enough and want to just live life?
He has that choice of course. My point is if you don’t grow & mature together, an imbalance can happen. so, if there is an Imbalance then what? The other just accepts it, or cheats, or leaves. Isn’t it selfish to think you are grown enough and refuse to deal with issues or problems? What about the other person? Do you care they are not happy anymore & why?
Or do they think they are perfect & have nothing else to learn in this world?
What can we learn at this age? And whatever it is - if we haven’t learned it by now - chances - we don’t need it...100%
click to expand
Lots!!!! You can learn something new every day.
Not true. You just don’t want to.
Did this help you understand your situation?
dxpnet has hosted real conversations like this since 2000. If you value independent communities, you can support the site below.
Every contribution helps keep dxpnet independent and ad-light.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →
It’s actually super easy and that’s not butter
1. Do you click physically
2. Do you click intellectually
3. Do you click emotionally
If any of these parts are missing, you haven’t found the right person yet.
More details, in case you’re not sure:
1. Physical attraction means you want to kiss your partner and be sexual with them, you’re not just doing it because it’s bearable or a “responsibility”. (The only time I’d give this one a pass is for older couples. They’ve been together long enough to make their own terms)
2. Intellectualism includes everything you may have discussions about. Work, science, politics, religion, life style , daily stuff. Of course there are topics that could be more boyish or more girlish that you might not discuss with your partner because it’s useless to try, but in general, do your conversations flow and are they respectful and interesting? Can you cooperate? Can you laugh together and get deeper?
3. Emotionally: Does he care how you feel? Do you care how he feels? Do you feel that you are regularly having intimate and bonding moments with each other, or is it one-sided or lopsided? While this is the hardest dynamic of a relationship to understand at first, especially since most people don’t show their cards right away, or even try to act like they feel something they don’t... you should still have figured out whether your relationship has this within a few months. If it hasn’t appeared, then it’s probably not there and may never be there.
Conclusion: I believe that if you choose to dismiss any of these three necessary parts of a relationship as unimportant, you should be prepared to face a lot of insecurity, fights, boredom, loneliness, potential cheating, time wasted and maybe a divorce in the future.
Any thoughts?