How to help myself feel secure about my husband's female friends?

My husband is a foreigner in my country. We got on very well for less than a year until we decided to get married 2 yrs ago due to my pregnancy (this is social/religious norm thing *rolling eyes*)

When we were still bf and gf, I had little issues with him talking to his female friends back at his home country on the phone (mostly the girls called). And I am still having issues about this (and this calling thing still happens - the female friends are different now)

He told me that I don't trust him (fine, I admit it now) and its not good to have in a marriage.

I told him that those friendship can lead somewhere more with given situations in the future).

If the frequency of the video calls are not so often, I wouldnt mind. But like what kind of friendship that require you to talk every day or at least once per two weeks?

The frequency is what Im seeing the problem here, given that it is calls made between two friends who are so far apart geographically. What if they live physically close to each other? Vcalls will not suffice, I assume.

My question is not the reason why he keeps maintaining those female friends.

My question is HOW to make myself not fretting about it anymore.

I know that I have to get things going more in my life, but I am so busy working and will soon have a baby, I dont think i will have ample of time exploring activities outside or focus on myself more.

What mindset should I have to tackle this very uncomfortable concerns about his friendships with those girls?

I know Im insecure by being like this, you dont have to tell me that. Even I tell myself that.

Question is how to make myself secure even without him doing anything to me? I want to feel less needy of him so that I will care less about his whatsoever friendships whatever..

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

My actions are now distancing myself from him. I will not complain or nag him no more about his friendship activities no more.

What I want to do right now is to create distance so prominent that he will notice he feels closer to his female friends than he feels to me.

Then I will see his moves. If he cares, he will try to find ways to get closer to me, both emotionally and physically (good thing that he is lately not in the mood for sex -it's been a while).

Even though we live together under the same roof in a marriage and is going to share a baby together, if our contacts are almost non existent (meaning, nothing more than daily dialogues like "have you taken the laundry?", "dinner's in on the table" etc.). The value of the relationship is automatically nullified.

That's why I ask how to feel secure about myself (in a whole sense) with or without him doing anything about his friendships or to me.

Because right now I'm preparing for the worst. Mentally.

The only thing of my concern is how the baby grows if the parents are living loveless marriage.

I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do.

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Longest pregnancy ever?

What?

Oh no. Yeah the pregnancy that led us to marriage ended up miscarriage. This is the second pregnancy. I once posted about that here a while ago.

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

My actions are now distancing myself from him. I will not complain or nag him no more about his friendship activities no more.

What I want to do right now is to create distance so prominent that he will notice he feels closer to his female friends than he feels to me.

Then I will see his moves. If he cares, he will try to find ways to get closer to me, both emotionally and physically (good thing that he is lately not in the mood for sex -it's been a while).

Even though we live together under the same roof in a marriage and is going to share a baby together, if our contacts are almost non existent (meaning, nothing more than daily dialogues like "have you taken the laundry?", "dinner's in on the table" etc.). The value of the relationship is automatically nullified.

That's why I ask how to feel secure about myself (in a whole sense) with or without him doing anything about his friendships or to me.

Because right now I'm preparing for the worst. Mentally.

The only thing of my concern is how the baby grows if the parents are living loveless marriage.

I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do.

click to expand

Your best approach would be to focus completely on yourself and your own personal goals. Take the approach of an individual stuck in a bad situation instead of a marriage. What's in titles anyway?? Visit family without giving notification. Take yoga, join a book club, shop for the baby with friends, etc. Just do things like he doesn't exist. You have to be an individual now and not let your relationship define who you are.

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

My actions are now distancing myself from him. I will not complain or nag him no more about his friendship activities no more.

What I want to do right now is to create distance so prominent that he will notice he feels closer to his female friends than he feels to me.

Then I will see his moves. If he cares, he will try to find ways to get closer to me, both emotionally and physically (good thing that he is lately not in the mood for sex -it's been a while).

Even though we live together under the same roof in a marriage and is going to share a baby together, if our contacts are almost non existent (meaning, nothing more than daily dialogues like "have you taken the laundry?", "dinner's in on the table" etc.). The value of the relationship is automatically nullified.

That's why I ask how to feel secure about myself (in a whole sense) with or without him doing anything about his friendships or to me.

Because right now I'm preparing for the worst. Mentally.

The only thing of my concern is how the baby grows if the parents are living loveless marriage.

I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do.

Your best approach would be to focus completely on yourself and your own personal goals. Take the approach of an individual stuck in a bad situation instead of a marriage. What's in titles anyway?? Visit family without giving notification. Take yoga, join a book club, shop for the baby with friends, etc. Just do things like he doesn't exist. You have to be an individual now and not let your relationship define who you are.

click to expand

Sound advice. Also something I want to hear as well to affirm my intentions.

I feel like that's micro cheating and your feelings are totally valid

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

My actions are now distancing myself from him. I will not complain or nag him no more about his friendship activities no more.

What I want to do right now is to create distance so prominent that he will notice he feels closer to his female friends than he feels to me.

Then I will see his moves. If he cares, he will try to find ways to get closer to me, both emotionally and physically (good thing that he is lately not in the mood for sex -it's been a while).

Even though we live together under the same roof in a marriage and is going to share a baby together, if our contacts are almost non existent (meaning, nothing more than daily dialogues like "have you taken the laundry?", "dinner's in on the table" etc.). The value of the relationship is automatically nullified.

That's why I ask how to feel secure about myself (in a whole sense) with or without him doing anything about his friendships or to me.

Because right now I'm preparing for the worst. Mentally.

The only thing of my concern is how the baby grows if the parents are living loveless marriage.

I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do.

Your best approach would be to focus completely on yourself and your own personal goals. Take the approach of an individual stuck in a bad situation instead of a marriage. What's in titles anyway?? Visit family without giving notification. Take yoga, join a book club, shop for the baby with friends, etc. Just do things like he doesn't exist. You have to be an individual now and not let your relationship define who you are.

Sound advice. Also something I want to hear as well to affirm my intentions.

click to expand

Forget head and forget emotions. Trust your intuition. We are all worthy of what we require and are also willing to provide. I wish you the best. Have you decided on a baby name??

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Longest pregnancy ever?

What?

Oh no. Yeah the pregnancy that led us to marriage ended up miscarriage. This is the second pregnancy. I once posted about that here a while ago.

Why didn't you leave then? I can't advise a woman on how to feel okay about being cheated on by a man who doesn't even care about her feelings when she's pregnant. You shouldn't be in this position.

click to expand

I didn't say he cheated. He is disregarding my complaints about this. Telling me the only person I am hurting is myself by putting too much worry on this matter.

Which is true to some extent.



I'm just seeing negative impacts in the future from this. Given the frequency of contact is abnormal to my view.

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by GemCurioThe1

Allow me to be the first to inform you that your intuitive sense is not lying to you. I have a best friend for over 23 years and we do not speak daily or even every month. At some point, it's no longer about trust. You are his wife and you have a problem with it. He needs to change it. No one desires discourse in their home life or allows for it to exist unless that person either doesn't understand how important this is to your relationship or doesn't care.

I'm certain that this has been discussed for an extended period of time, so unless you're willing to take action in order to stand for what you feel is right, you have no other choice other than grin and bear it. If you are willing to take actions that's a completely different story, but from what I read you're very much a talker. Actions speak louder than words.

My actions are now distancing myself from him. I will not complain or nag him no more about his friendship activities no more.

What I want to do right now is to create distance so prominent that he will notice he feels closer to his female friends than he feels to me.

Then I will see his moves. If he cares, he will try to find ways to get closer to me, both emotionally and physically (good thing that he is lately not in the mood for sex -it's been a while).

Even though we live together under the same roof in a marriage and is going to share a baby together, if our contacts are almost non existent (meaning, nothing more than daily dialogues like "have you taken the laundry?", "dinner's in on the table" etc.). The value of the relationship is automatically nullified.

That's why I ask how to feel secure about myself (in a whole sense) with or without him doing anything about his friendships or to me.

Because right now I'm preparing for the worst. Mentally.

The only thing of my concern is how the baby grows if the parents are living loveless marriage.

I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do.

Your best approach would be to focus completely on yourself and your own personal goals. Take the approach of an individual stuck in a bad situation instead of a marriage. What's in titles anyway?? Visit family without giving notification. Take yoga, join a book club, shop for the baby with friends, etc. Just do things like he doesn't exist. You have to be an individual now and not let your relationship define who you are.

Sound advice. Also something I want to hear as well to affirm my intentions.

Forget head and forget emotions. Trust your intuition. We are all worthy of what we require and are also willing to provide. I wish you the best. Have you decided on a baby name??

click to expand

Yes. I just want to focus on myself. Obviously I have much more things to be concerned about.

Not yet on the baby name. I have one name comes into mind but let's see..

Men with close female friends are far from a rare category... Clearly you did not know yourself well enough to know it's something that you would eventually end up resenting before getting serious with someone... You have no one but yourself to blame for that.

Yes you can focus on yourself as someone suggested and act like you don't need him every moment to fulfill your days... but I think that will only temporarily sugar coat the issue. I'm sure your subconscious will still not leave it alone as he most likely won't change significantly.

"I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do."

You really couldn't have figured that out before deciding to attempt to bring a baby into the world for the 2nd time..? It's not like he suddenly increased his frequency of conversing with female friends after you both married.. if he did that's obviously concerning. My point is I'm sure you were also aware he was doing it to some degree before marriage.. did you honestly think he would suddenly change after a marriage certificate (a piece of paper)? Women who think like that baffle me.

I don't know what expectations you had but it seems like you have been living in your own fantasy ignoring what has actually ALWAYS been in front of you until it all came crashing down one day.

Posted by SassyKiwi

Men with close female friends are far from a rare category... Clearly you did not know yourself well enough to know it's something that you would eventually end up resenting before getting serious with someone... You have no one but yourself to blame for that.

Yes you can focus on yourself as someone suggested and act like you don't need him every moment to fulfill your days... but I think that will only temporarily sugar coat the issue. I'm sure your subconscious will still not leave it alone as he most likely won't change significantly.

"I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do."

You really couldn't have figured that out before deciding to attempt to bring a baby into the world for the 2nd time..? It's not like he suddenly increased his frequency of conversing with female friends after you both married.. if he did that's obviously concerning. My point is I'm sure you were also aware he was doing it to some degree before marriage.. did you honestly think he would suddenly change after a marriage certificate (a piece of paper)? Women who think like that baffle me.

I don't know what expectations you had but it seems like you have been living in your own fantasy ignoring what has actually ALWAYS been in front of you until it all came crashing down one day.

@Subliminals

This deserves to be repeated. I would think hard about why you got married in the first place.

You said you plan on pulling back and working on yourself. Working on yourself is always a good move. However pulling back to see if he notices is immature game playing at this point. That can backfire badly. This is a marriage with a child on the way. Take it more seriously.

There is a good chance he will just ignore your actions because talking to his female friends is something he has always done. You are being unfair to him. Your insecurities in the relationship is sabotaging your fragile (and honestly questionable) marriage. Like what Sassykiwi said this is the root of the problem. Those are the kinds of things that should have bern ironed out before marriage and a child for God sakes.

You make it sound like the only reason you got married is because of cultural reasons. Just like the old days you need to work on the relationship if you actually want to at least functional. Don't think of it as competing rather developing your own connection with him.

Regardless whatever you choose to do you need to be honest with yourself as to why your doing it.

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Longest pregnancy ever?

What?

Oh no. Yeah the pregnancy that led us to marriage ended up miscarriage. This is the second pregnancy. I once posted about that here a while ago.

click to expand

Did he propose marriage because you were pregnant? Shotgun wedding??

Posted by sweethearts

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Longest pregnancy ever?

What?

Oh no. Yeah the pregnancy that led us to marriage ended up miscarriage. This is the second pregnancy. I once posted about that here a while ago.

Did he propose marriage because you were pregnant? Shotgun wedding??

click to expand

No he talked about marriage before I got pregnant. He intentionally impregnate me.

Posted by SassyKiwi

Men with close female friends are far from a rare category... Clearly you did not know yourself well enough to know it's something that you would eventually end up resenting before getting serious with someone... You have no one but yourself to blame for that.

Yes you can focus on yourself as someone suggested and act like you don't need him every moment to fulfill your days... but I think that will only temporarily sugar coat the issue. I'm sure your subconscious will still not leave it alone as he most likely won't change significantly.

"I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do."

You really couldn't have figured that out before deciding to attempt to bring a baby into the world for the 2nd time..? It's not like he suddenly increased his frequency of conversing with female friends after you both married.. if he did that's obviously concerning. My point is I'm sure you were also aware he was doing it to some degree before marriage.. did you honestly think he would suddenly change after a marriage certificate (a piece of paper)? Women who think like that baffle me.

I don't know what expectations you had but it seems like you have been living in your own fantasy ignoring what has actually ALWAYS been in front of you until it all came crashing down one day.

Don't worry, he is willing to give them up which he has. He told me I was beating around the bush. Bringing up all sorts of other things when I could have just said, "I don't like it when you talk to your female friends too often" which I eventually said after long useless arguments.



Apparently, I wasn't able to communicate with him in a proper way. Maybe I need to work on how to communicate better with him.

I already told him to that he or I are maybe emotionally unavailable.. so let me see if we can work it out better.

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by sweethearts

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by Dread_Pirate_Phanta

Longest pregnancy ever?

What?

Oh no. Yeah the pregnancy that led us to marriage ended up miscarriage. This is the second pregnancy. I once posted about that here a while ago.

Did he propose marriage because you were pregnant? Shotgun wedding??

No he talked about marriage before I got pregnant. He intentionally impregnate me.

click to expand

Him constantly talking to his friends whether they are female or not is because he’s home sick. I assume you are from different countries and he’s a long way from home?

If this is the case the likelihood of your communication style s are very different.

I’m going to throw this out there because I live in Australia but I’m a kiwi (New Zealander) I can meet another kiwi anywhere in the world and have a million things to say to them because we are familiar with our life style s and the way we interact , it’s just that easy. With other nationalities the conversation is harder to flow.

That being said, he does need to respect you as his wife and understand that it does effect you especially if he’s talking all the time to them and not to you. Then your marriage Is already breaking down.

I don’t think he has any sexual interests there, if that were the case he would have been with one of them and not chosen you. It really is all about learning how to communicate with each other.

Set up a video chat one night while you both cook together - invite each one of his friends to join you and get to know them at a virtual dinner party

Engage them in your life and make some possibly new friends (His friends) of your own

It might be really lovely for both of you, and alleviate your insecurity

Posted by Arielle83

Be friends with them.

It’s a good sign he has female friends.

It means he values and respects women as more than sexual objects.

It’s also insulting to these women if you think they want your bf, because you are minimizing them to a sexually motivated person lacking integrity.

You need to see them as respectable women and get to know them.

Not every man with a gf is wanted by every woman in his life.

Thanks for putting this into my perspective. I like what you said. It makes sense to me.

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by SassyKiwi

Men with close female friends are far from a rare category... Clearly you did not know yourself well enough to know it's something that you would eventually end up resenting before getting serious with someone... You have no one but yourself to blame for that.

Yes you can focus on yourself as someone suggested and act like you don't need him every moment to fulfill your days... but I think that will only temporarily sugar coat the issue. I'm sure your subconscious will still not leave it alone as he most likely won't change significantly.

"I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do."

You really couldn't have figured that out before deciding to attempt to bring a baby into the world for the 2nd time..? It's not like he suddenly increased his frequency of conversing with female friends after you both married.. if he did that's obviously concerning. My point is I'm sure you were also aware he was doing it to some degree before marriage.. did you honestly think he would suddenly change after a marriage certificate (a piece of paper)? Women who think like that baffle me.

I don't know what expectations you had but it seems like you have been living in your own fantasy ignoring what has actually ALWAYS been in front of you until it all came crashing down one day.

@Subliminals

This deserves to be repeated. I would think hard about why you got married in the first place.

You said you plan on pulling back and working on yourself. Working on yourself is always a good move. However pulling back to see if he notices is immature game playing at this point. That can backfire badly. This is a marriage with a child on the way. Take it more seriously.

There is a good chance he will just ignore your actions because talking to his female friends is something he has always done. You are being unfair to him. Your insecurities in the relationship is sabotaging your fragile (and honestly questionable) marriage. Like what Sassykiwi said this is the root of the problem. Those are the kinds of things that should have bern ironed out before marriage and a child for God sakes.

You make it sound like the only reason you got married is because of cultural reasons. Just like the old days you need to work on the relationship if you actually want to at least functional. Don't think of it as competing rather developing your own connection with him.

Regardless whatever you choose to do you need to be honest with yourself as to why your doing it.

click to expand

I see. Yeah I understand what childish move my intention is. But I couldn't do it. Instead I tried to talk again about them last night which annoyed him so much because I ended up not communicating well and respectfully.

But we are working this out.

Tbh before I married him, I didn't feel anything solid with my feelings for him, I was just getting to know him it was only less than a year before the marriage happened. But it is a taboo thing for woman here being pregnant without marriage. Right now we are still in the building process anyway, to lay out things.

Hope over time, we will work better together in our marriage. What I know is to improve my communication and response on things

Posted by Subliminals

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by SassyKiwi

Men with close female friends are far from a rare category... Clearly you did not know yourself well enough to know it's something that you would eventually end up resenting before getting serious with someone... You have no one but yourself to blame for that.

Yes you can focus on yourself as someone suggested and act like you don't need him every moment to fulfill your days... but I think that will only temporarily sugar coat the issue. I'm sure your subconscious will still not leave it alone as he most likely won't change significantly.

"I simply do not want someone who doesn't want me as much as I do."

You really couldn't have figured that out before deciding to attempt to bring a baby into the world for the 2nd time..? It's not like he suddenly increased his frequency of conversing with female friends after you both married.. if he did that's obviously concerning. My point is I'm sure you were also aware he was doing it to some degree before marriage.. did you honestly think he would suddenly change after a marriage certificate (a piece of paper)? Women who think like that baffle me.

I don't know what expectations you had but it seems like you have been living in your own fantasy ignoring what has actually ALWAYS been in front of you until it all came crashing down one day.

@Subliminals

This deserves to be repeated. I would think hard about why you got married in the first place.

You said you plan on pulling back and working on yourself. Working on yourself is always a good move. However pulling back to see if he notices is immature game playing at this point. That can backfire badly. This is a marriage with a child on the way. Take it more seriously.

There is a good chance he will just ignore your actions because talking to his female friends is something he has always done. You are being unfair to him. Your insecurities in the relationship is sabotaging your fragile (and honestly questionable) marriage. Like what Sassykiwi said this is the root of the problem. Those are the kinds of things that should have bern ironed out before marriage and a child for God sakes.

You make it sound like the only reason you got married is because of cultural reasons. Just like the old days you need to work on the relationship if you actually want to at least functional. Don't think of it as competing rather developing your own connection with him.

Regardless whatever you choose to do you need to be honest with yourself as to why your doing it.

I see. Yeah I understand what childish move my intention is. But I couldn't do it. Instead I tried to talk again about them last night which annoyed him so much because I ended up not communicating well and respectfully.

But we are working this out.

Tbh before I married him, I didn't feel anything solid with my feelings for him, I was just getting to know him it was only less than a year before the marriage happened. But it is a taboo thing for woman here being pregnant without marriage. Right now we are still in the building process anyway, to lay out things.

Hope over time, we will work better together in our marriage. What I know is to improve my communication and response on things

click to expand

You have know each other for only a short time. Be genuinely curious about each other. Avoid making assumptions.

When discussing things, think of it as trading opinions and personal experiences. Then come to a agreement on important matters.