This is how your morning should always start.

This topic was created in the Miscellaneous forum by HeavyEntertainmentShow on Sunday, April 9, 2017 and has 13 replies.

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@HeavyEntertainmentShow
9 Years5,000+ Posts

Phone rings, I see the number and I gleefully let it ring longer because I know it pisses him off. After 7-8 rings just before it goes to voicemail, I answer:

Jelle: you may speak, minion.

Jed: *long pause, exhales* what the hell did you put in my cereal, damn you—

Jelle: *mortified at the thought of being accused of something mischievous* I put CEREAL in your cereal, what did you want me to put in there, dope?

Jed: *exhales* I have been shitting my ass off for hours with only intermittent breaks in between sessions!! did you lace it with Vaalia??

(Vaalia is a brand of fruit yoghurt that wreaks havoc on your digestive tract, he tried it once and was shitting for at least 2 hours, whereas it makes me fart nonstop for at least 12 hours. whenever he sees it in my fridge, he throws it out.)

Jelle: not lately. for starters I haven't gotten any of that in at least a month, and second you were standing right next to me the whole time, do I look like Criss Angel to you? you might be wheat-intolerant, too much Milo can drive a man insane *tried hard to keep a straight face*

Jed: only a freak like you would find this funny.

Jelle: NOT TRUE! plenty of people on youtube found it hilarious.

Jed: *long pause*.......what do you mean?

Jelle: *gleefully* exactly what it sounds like. and let me tell you, you're upto some real fucked up shit when noone's watching, talk about the end of innocence.

Jed: *long pause*.......are you for real?

Jelle: probably not.

Jed: oh you sssssssssss.......

Jelle: *I cut him off* besides, why should I be the only one suffering? if I have to hurt, then so must you. it's good practise anyway for when it's my turn, loosen that thing up in advance. turnabout is fair play & everything.

Jed: *tries to conceal his giggling but his short fast breaths give him away* ok listen, in the interest of fair play, you weren't exactly opposed to it.

Jelle: no no see what I wanted was the reverse of all that. never even occured to me that this would be in the cards. that's not supposed to be you.

Jed: why do you say that?

Jelle: because I'm the naturally born raging fag here.

Jed: *exhales sharply* for real, are you alright?

Jelle: I'll live probably. out of practise but you know what they say: sphincters are like shoes, you stretch them out sooner or later.

Jed: ohhh *bursts into laughter*

Jelle: I'm glad you take pleasure in my day of misery, enjoy it while it lasts because you won't be laughing much longer after I'm through with you. keep dreaming about the shower gel and you farting sea-smelling bubbles because your luck has run out.

(I had jokingly said I'd use shower gel with sea minerals as lube on him, that way he'd be an "easy slip" and his ass would smell fantastic)

Jed: * laughing like a hyena*

Jelle: *lowering my voice to sound menacing* watch yourself boy, because you got a world of hurt coming to ya and there's nowhere you can escape to. because *growling yell* I'M BLOODY CROWLEY!!!

(he has started calling me Crowley because he says I'm evil incarnate under the baby face, and this was the first time I did the voice*

Jed: *in hysterics, tries to talk but dissolves into uncontrollable laughter*

Jelle: and I'm out of Nivea creme so you had BETTER get more.

Jed: *choking with laughter* I'M SORRY I'M SO-SO........

Jelle: oh nah nah nah you're not sorry yet *Crowley voice* but you will be. I'm making a list.

Jed: *screams with laughter* you're killing me!!!

Jelle: that's the idea, ugly.

Jed: *burst into laughter again*

Jelle: *hangs up*

Pardon me, but I have to stand up now.

Profile picture of HeavyEntertainmentShow
@HeavyEntertainmentShow
9 Years5,000+ Posts

Posted by MrEmptyBackpack
Posted by HeavyEntertainmentShow
Posted by MrEmptyBackpack
Posted by HeavyEntertainmentShow
Posted by hydorah
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A bit more honey, a bit less vinegar and you might find someone who wants to talk shit with you in the mornings 🙂 unless you want to be known as the male P-angel

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LOL

And they're both fishies in the same age bracket, howbowdah?

Lol no hydorah is not that old

Hydorah is her son's age

?

click to expand

He's mid 40s, she's like 60. Looks like same age bracket to me! There's higher separation around my age and lower, but up there everything is blended into one. And they both respond the same way to other people's happiness so they might as well BE mother and son.