Unanswered questions

Does it make sense to anyone here that a relationship between two people who really do love each other would not work out, or should not be tried for, because of circumstances in life, distance (as in geographical distance)? What about an age difference?

I just don't understand what's happened, and it's killing me.

that should say, "circumstances in life and/or..." and so on.

There's nothing worse than not having the answer to a question, especially when it's in a romantic sense. The human condition thrives on closure (tying up loose ends). I think people are entitled to the truth if they are asking. If somebody does not answer the question then THEY'RE the one with the problem: whatever that may be. It could be anything from THEM not knowing the answer, to THEM not being able to answer for fear of letting go. I've always thought that those who cannot provide the answer to something they initiated are the ones who cannot let go themselves for whatever reasons.

What i mean is that if somebody does not answer your question, they themselves are not dealing with the situation properly, or may not have a grip on the situation.

Libragirl, you're awesome. I would never have even thought of it in that way. It could be that...and in a way, that comforts me. I just hate it...I want to shake the person vigorously and say, "don't you see what a mistake this is—?!!!" It's wrong, it doesn't make sense. Thank you...that was a very different insight that I never would have considered.

What do you think about an age difference, though? What if it's a...big one?

Ahh, now that is an interesting question. Just let me think about it for a minute.

Okay, it depends on the extent of the difference. I believe if there is too large a gap then the older person will have to 'tolerate' the short comings of the younger person sometimes, or the older person will feel like they have been through a particular life experience and consequently feel like they are repeating old patterns and experiences etc... By 'tolerate', i mean, the older person may see certain life situations, pains, etc... surfacing in the younger person and may 'feel' their pain, and may or may not want to go 'back there' again. Maybe.

Hang on, still thinking. Have one more point to make but need to phrase it properly.

Having said that though, if the positives in the relationship make up for the tolerances the older person may have to experience, then it should be worth it. If i was with somebody quite a bit younger, i would weigh up whether what they 'offered' me was worth having to go through all the lessons i have endured up until now.

I appreciate your thoughts, LG. You make sense. I think also, in addition to the older person not necessarily wanting to go "back there", the younger person feels overshadowed by all the many experiences the older person has already had. If that makes sense. The younger person might feel like..."you've already done that...and that...and that too..." and it can incite a bit of jealousy, or something close to that. Do you think that...oh...say...20 years is too big a gap?

Oh treetrunk, that last sentence did not make any sense at all. Let me rephrase.

If i was with somebody YOUNGER, i would weight up whether WHAT THEY OFFERED ME ON OTHER LEVELS was enough to keep me there through the times where i felt uncomfortable/pushed/challenged (or whatever) by their (possibly) RE-EXPERIENCING what i have already been through (on an emotional level).

Oh, I know. I totally knew. lol. 😛

Good point about the younger person feeling overshadowed by the older person's experience, and... their budget. The older ones usually have more money and you can feel intimidated by that. They also have different priorities like wanting to buy a house instead of blowing it on stuff like...? Travel, or alcohol, or something. Not to make generalisations, but i can't think of anything else to name.

Okay, now for 20 years age difference. Give me a minute to think of how to phrase it!

k. 😛

All this stuff shouldn't matter, but ill just add, i went out with somebody who was 6 years older than me, when i was 22, and no matter how i tried to overcome the intimidation factor about this person having more money than i did, it just didn't work. In the end i felt like a whoregirl or something, or i felt disempowered. I used to refuse the nice dinners, saying that instead i preferred pizza and a beer. I still do sometimes. Maybe it was a life style difference though more than a financial one. The right person would make you feel comfortable about your position in life.

Anyway, i digress. Back to the issue at hand...

In my humble experience, and going from the people around me, i have found that 20 years is too much. It is usually the guy that is older and the girl grows up and realises there is more to life and ends up being miserable and leaving the guy for somebody more her age. This does happen. Also, think of it this way... when you are 40, how old is he going to be?

That should be... "the right person SHOULD make you feel comfortable about your position in life".

I know. Oh, it's a lot to think about, and think about it I have. There are definite drawbacks, but interesting advantages, too. The older has a lot to teach the younger. Hmmm. I understand very much what you went through; I would never want to feel intimidated like that, whether on purpose or just naturally because of the situation. In this particular one, I didn't feel financially intimidated, really. Our finances weren't too awfully different from each other. Your last sentence is what bothered me the most, in my head, but I would have even been willing to deal with that. I think the age difference bothered the other person, more than it bothered me. But there are real issues with age differences, that is for sure.

Libragirl, thank you very much for your opinions tonight. You have a way of opening my eyes...our brains work differently, and I find that very interesting. And very good! I have to get to bed....work tomorrow. 😢 Another night of not really sleeping, etc. I will get over this! I must.

Goodnight Libragirl. 🙂 Thank you...

You're welcome 😉

Phoenix,

Thank you for the interesting point of view. I guess there are advantages from the older/younger relationship, and i was only going by my own experience, and what i have witnessed. They are possibilities though (that the woman will get sick of the older guy etc...). They're all possiblities... never guaranteed of happening. Which brings me to another point; it is good that you are OPEN to new and different things. And unconventional things.

I wanted to say as well, i gave this a lot of thought after i got off the net last night, and coming from someone older who likes/recently liked somebody quite a bit younger, there is a lot of guilt that comes with that. You start asking yourself, "am i a peodophile"?! And also worrying that they will lose interest in you when you get older and they are only 30.

The reason i say this is because knowing somebody else's point of view might shed some light on the issue for you. It would take quite a bit of convincing from the younger person for me to believe that everything could be alright, but it would not be impossible.

Best of luck, and maybe it's not too late.

I am so glad you posted that, Libragirl. The guilt, the needing convincing...in a certain way it's very good for me to hear that it wasn't just "this person" who felt these things "because of me"...that any older person would have these concerns. It validates that at least in that sense, when it was explained to me "why" things weren't...going to happen, I wasn't lied to.

I didn't think I was as open as I turned out to be, actually. Suprised myself there. I think what happened is that the connection I felt with this person was so strong and so unusual, and so overwhelming...I disregarded the age factor (and still wish that he could have, too).