FWB/Casual Sex Impedes Relationships

I have seen a few examples of how FWB and/or casual sex impedes relationships and either prevents them from developing or inhibits the ability to have a meaningful full relationship. I will admit, my generational aspects may play a part in this attitude.

Not saying these examples are absolute, but something to consider. And I know this isn't everyone.

Example #1 - Guy asks girl out. Guy spends money on date. Takes girl home. No sex. Proper date. Repeat this scenario about 4-5 times. Girl still not having sex with guy. Naturally, the girl is hoping something will develop with this guy. HOWEVER, she has a FWB on the side. Now the FWB isn't putting out any efforts or spending money, but getting the goodies. Guy #1 realizes what she's doing and feels disappointed - he's doing the proper thing and spending money but not getting any fringe benefits while the other guy is. How do you think Guy #1 feels about this? Yep, stops dating girl. Disappears on her. She has ruined her chances of having a relationship with Guy #1.

Example #2 - Guy and girl hook up with casual sex, FWB if you want to call it that. Then one day, guy takes girl out on a real date, something nice and expensive. Thy get back and now because its a real date and she has decided she wants more with him than FWB, she won't put out. Guy is confused. Doesn't understand how when he didn't spend money/time, he got some, but now that he HAS stepped up and done so, he's not getting any. He decides he's not into games.

Example #3 - Girl has FWB, but dates and is looking for the "one". So she dates properly, but continues to see FWB. However, she enjoys FWB and he is fun and she half way develops some feelings for him. Thus, she isn't feeling the same for the good guys she's dating as they are "boring" and not exciting. She can not focus on the good ones while she's playing with the bad ones. She is distracted. So the good guys move on and she wonders why she can't find a good guy.

So the FWB prevented the first example and impeded the second. There are tons more examples. But I know two different men that experienced the first two examples and one woman who experienced the third. Those examples are real live examples.

Is it a generation thing, or are people to willingly and casually hooking up at their own detriment?

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

This. I don't see how fwb impeded the scenario THAT badly. Take away fwb and the guy is likely to eventually get bored if she didn't put out. It happens, unfortunately. In this, the guy she was seeing was a total douche.

Guys who think wining and dining entitles them to some ass need to stay the hell out of the dating pool. Real nice guys should be taking their place, tbh.

Also, in the other two, the girls are just being stupid. I don't think FWB had as much to do it as the females involved being total idiots.

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

I know this guy. What turned him off was she was sleeping with someone else. It just disgusted him. He hoped it would develop into a long term relationship. He was willing to wait. But, it did kind of burned him of wanting to be a nice guy and doing things proper.

Posted by truecap

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

I know this guy. What turned him off was she was sleeping with someone else. It just disgusted him. He hoped it would develop into a long term relationship. He was willing to wait. But, it did kind of burned him of wanting to be a nice guy and doing things proper.

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Oh, and he's not a wimpy guy. He's good looking and owns his own successful business. Has quite a lot to offer. Just wanted to throw that in there.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Also, in the other two, the girls are just being stupid. I don't think FWB had as much to do it as the females involved being total idiots.

I am thinking the reason in #3 they were being idiots was because she couldn't focus because of the FWB distraction with someone who she would never have a LTR with.

Yeah, #2 was dumb because she started out one way, then tried to place nice girl. He would have kept dating her, but thought she was acting strange.

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

Yeah I don't see it that way AT ALL. In fact her behaviour gets my blood boiling. Just thinking about someone I'm interested in sleeping with another guy while she's supposedly interested in me. That would be so humiliating!

I am not saying I should be getting her goods just because I'm taking her out, I'm saying no one else should be getting her goods either if she's chosen to accept my invitations. It's disrespectful. In my world, once you accept a second or third or fourth date, there are certain unspoken rules there, a certain "exclusivity".

Yes, I am aware of the fact that going out on a date is not the same as having a relationship. I just can't help feeling humiliated knowing that every time I take you out, you've just been freshly f*cked by your so called FWB. I mean let's get real here.

Posted by enfant_terrible
I am not saying I should be getting her goods just because I'm taking her out, I'm saying no one else should be getting her goods either if she's chosen to accept my invitations. It's disrespectful. In my world, once you accept a second or third or fourth date, there are certain unspoken rules there, a certain "exclusivity".

Okay, this "unspoken" thing is just not working. You can't just assume that everyone is on the same page...if you expect exclusivity, you have to SAY so. I always thought that there was no exclusivity at all UNTIL the guy asked for it.

This is how I ended up with an angry Scorpio on my tail. He assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend without asking, thought it was an "unspoken understanding" - but since he said nothing, I assumed he was just a FWB. When I later let it slip that I was seeing other people the whole time, he went completely bananas.

And now I've had to send a cease and desist order to stop the harassment.

Take it from an air sign....COMMUNICATION can spare people a loooot of misery later on...

Totally agree with rockyroadicecream and steponscorpionsCRUNCH.

I had a Leo tell me in a very subtle, an ego-saving way, that he wanted to be exclusive. Everytime we had sex, he would ask, "is that the best sex you've had all day?" After a while, I got the picture. The other way he did it was by monopolyzing my time which was okay 'cause the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. He did express exclusivity directly in short time thereafter. But along the way, he made it clear what his intentions were.

I personally like friends with benefits relationships. The only problem I have is what appears to me to be a misuse of the real meaning. When I have an FWB, it is really FRIENDSHIP. We share, give, and support each other like friends do and express love through occasional sex. If this is not occuring, how is it friendship; hince friends with benefits?

I really think, in most cases, and the nature of the relationships I have read described, friends with benefits is being used as a euphemism for fcuck buddies... and I have had them as well.

Posted by enfant_terrible

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

Yeah I don't see it that way AT ALL. In fact her behaviour gets my blood boiling. Just thinking about someone I'm interested in sleeping with another guy while she's supposedly interested in me. That would be so humiliating!

I am not saying I should be getting her goods just because I'm taking her out, I'm saying no one else should be getting her goods either if she's chosen to accept my invitations. It's disrespectful. In my world, once you accept a second or third or fourth date, there are certain unspoken rules there, a certain "exclusivity".

Yes, I am aware of the fact that going out on a date is not the same as having a relationship. I just can't help feeling humiliated knowing that every time I take you out, you've just been freshly f*cked by your so called FWB. I mean let's get real here.

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What exclusivity are you referring to? its just a date. How is it disrespectful? Her having sex with someone else has nothing to do with you.

Posted by VenusAquarius
Totally agree with rockyroadicecream and steponscorpionsCRUNCH.

I had a Leo tell me in a very subtle, an ego-saving way, that he wanted to be exclusive. Everytime we had sex, he would ask, "is that the best sex you've had all day?" After a while, I got the picture. The other way he did it was by monopolyzing my time which was okay 'cause the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. He did express exclusivity directly in short time thereafter. But along the way, he made it clear what his intentions were.

I personally like friends with benefits relationships. The only problem I have is what appears to me to be a misuse of the real meaning. When I have an FWB, it is really FRIENDSHIP. We share, give, and support each other like friends do and express love through occasional sex. If this is not occuring, how is it friendship; hince friends with benefits?

I really think, in most cases, and the nature of the relationships I have read described, friends with benefits is being used as a euphemism for fcuck buddies... and I have had them as well.

+1

Only few people can really make this happen.

Posted by Mr. Defense
FWB can be pretty confusing. One night stands are a lot better if you want to ensure things remain detached.

yup 1 hitter quitter. At least your not expecting anything after.

Posted by enfant_terrible

Posted by nycitycops
what rubs me the wrong way about example 1 is how the guy in it thinks he's entitled to sleeping with the girl. he disappeared on her after she wouldn't sleep with him, then she's better off without him I think. he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end. the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

it's kind of like a disguised guilt trip, really. . . having sex is never an obligation.

Yeah I don't see it that way AT ALL. In fact her behaviour gets my blood boiling. Just thinking about someone I'm interested in sleeping with another guy while she's supposedly interested in me. That would be so humiliating!

I am not saying I should be getting her goods just because I'm taking her out, I'm saying no one else should be getting her goods either if she's chosen to accept my invitations. It's disrespectful. In my world, once you accept a second or third or fourth date, there are certain unspoken rules there, a certain "exclusivity".

Yes, I am aware of the fact that going out on a date is not the same as having a relationship. I just can't help feeling humiliated knowing that every time I take you out, you've just been freshly f*cked by your so called FWB. I mean let's get real here.

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It's totally understandable though and I get why the guy in that situation bolted. It's just kinda funny because if the tables were turned, and a guy was doing the same thing, he would just cry "we aren't together!" and it's okay. But a female does it? Eeeeeew, omg.

Personally, I don't think it matters who does it. It's kinda blegh all around. When you're dating someone, sure there isn't exclusivity at that moment, but finding out they're off sleeping with someone else does kinda give off the vibe of "unavailable." What drama may ensue? Yeah, turn off.

Exaclty Rocky!

I think what bothers me about it is the double identity in how a girl portrays herself.

She's the "nice" girl, making a guy wait, making sure he's interested in her and not sex before she puts out....while all the time she's banging someone else. Pick one. Either be the nice girl he can take home to mom, or be the slut. I'm fine with either choice, as most guys would be, but you can't be both.

And, if you're going to do FWB, which is absolutely fine and your choice, just don't come crying when you can't find a decent, solid guy that wants to take you seriously. Those FWBs definitely aren't going to take you seriously.

Believe it or not, I do believe that men still want to marry a women who respects herself, has a good reputation, doesn't let people use her, and hasn't banged a bunch of guys in town.

Dating until exclusivity is fine, sleeping around until then is skanky.

Just my opinion....

Posted by size zero superhero
Does it change the game if the shoe is on the other foot?
Say a guy goes on a few dates with someone he's not sexually involved; meanwhile has a FWB in order to meet other ~needs~ and none of the above are mutually exclusive. Would the scenario also qualify as an act of courtship sabotage?
I ask because the anecdotes in the original post all focus on women, and am curious whether or not these conditions also apply to men in the same boat?

At any rate & assuming further intentions are in place alongside consecutive dates, FWB business on the sideline MAY run the risk of jeopardizing the desired outcome. With that said, dealing with FWB accordingly, and well before numerous dates take place is a wise decision. Otherwise, don't be too surprised if there's backlash.

It was intended to focus on women and how they are impeding themselves finding good relationships.

But, now you mention it, men impede themselves finding decent girls as well. I mean, really, a decent, self-respecting girl is not going to tolerate a cheating playboy for very long. We write off men as players all the time. While, they may want that now, they will some day want to settle down with a decent girl to have a family with. BUT, decent girls probably won't give them the time of day and then the men will whine that all that is out there are sluts, whores, gold diggers and needy, clingy women. Not realizing, it's their own fault they made them that way.

And no, FWB doesn't make you a slut. But, will a nice guy and his family see it that way?

Just thoughts to ponder.

Posted by size zero superhero

Posted by truecap
FWB doesn't make you a slut. But, will a nice guy and his family see it that way?

I suppose, for those so terrifically messy that their FWB case suddenly leaks after only a few dates. That in itself speaks volumes as far as stupidity is concerned. Is it some epic challenge for people to keep their shiz in order while messing around? LOL.

Maybe the lesson here is not to date with F buddies on standby, moreso that one must be prudent with where dirty laundry ends up, especially those embarrassed by the content of their personal lives.

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This. I don't see how the idea of fwb was impeding any relationships here, only their own stupidity, which falls back on the individual, not the concept.

Posted by truecap
I think what bothers me about it is the double identity in how a girl portrays herself.


Believe it or not, I do believe that men still want to marry a women who respects herself, has a good reputation, doesn't let people use her, and hasn't banged a bunch of guys in town.

Dating until exclusivity is fine, sleeping around until then is skanky.

Just my opinion....

And that's a great opinion. I agree 100% . A man will always admire a woman who stands up for herself & doesn't tolerate nonsense.

Posted by nycitycops
but why does FWBs or any other unconventional arrangement (open relationships, etc) void one of self respect?? there's a difference between getting used/accepting bullshit and doing what you want.

I keep hearing about nice guys. What i learned is there's a fine line between good men and nice men. the former respects women unconditionally - wether shes had a lot of sex and FWBs or if shes only given it up while in an exclusive relationship; the latter respects women conditionally. I'll take a good guy over a nice guy anyday :/

This.

I like to call them "nice" guys. Total douchebags in disguise. Such a good disguise that they don't even realize what jerks they really are.

I completely disagree with every woman in here who says that he is a douche for thinking he is entitled ... because he is. Women, it seems, are so blinded by believing that to be woman is awesome, that she fails to grasp her own intentions.


#1 for example ... the female is consciously considering her sexuality, as a means to manipulate the situation/terms of the date .. she therefore makes it permissible for the guy to value her accordingly.

When this is stated > "Girl still not having sex with guy. Naturally, the girl is hoping something will develop with this guy." .... if the female is permitted to USE sex as tool to gain consideration, then by the virtue of her very actions, AND if we are assume she believes in equality of genders, then it also gives him permission to USE a tool to gain sexual consideration.

And futhermore .... if the female plans on remaining mutual, then why is she not paying for herself?

Why is she letting herself be pampered if she is free of gaming?

Posted by nycitycops

he was taking her out, spending money and buying her meals but only as a means to an end.

Obviously, the responsers in are idiots, and cannot reason beyond their puny wants.

The means to the end, as we look at her motivations, is for the purposes of emotional blackmail .... however, it is noticable that you and other responsers in here conveniently overlook the fact that the female is equally engaging in sexual manipulation.

Posted by truecap

Repeat this scenario about 4-5 times. Girl still not having sex with guy. Naturally, the girl is hoping something will develop with this guy.

She is purposely maneuvering the usage of sex for her advantage ... and you females responsers have the audacity to proclaim he is the Weasel? The douche?

Posted by nycitycops

the end being VaginaVille, and he's a weasel for that.

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Women are so blinded by their neediness, that they don't even realize how pathetic they are.


::: shakes head :::

I feel sorry for men in that they have to put up with women like this

Posted by P-Angel

... women like this

And by that ^^^ I mean women such as the responsers in here who are completely ignorant to females being equal

Well, I will admit that some of you did bring up a valid point. Perhaps its her stupidity that impedes relationships. Hmmmm...yeah, could be. Thanks for providing an alternative viewpoint for me.

I still stand by my opinions though.

Casual sex impedes relationships because men are programmed to conquer. There is no other complicated reason.

My definition of "nice" guy is a guy who is not a player and who takes dating seriously and isn't trying to sleep with anything that will let him.

If women want to fool themselves into believing sex isn't the end goal for every man, that's their problem.

It doesn't make men sleazebags...or "bad guys."
They're just doing what they are programmed to.

Women are not THAT different either.

It's been that way since the beginning of time.

Been following this thread, and I agree with you on the point that FWB will not become a "relationship" in the sense of a committed, long term relationship, if that is your goal.

I think FWB is a specific type of relationship that is meant to be a short-term, temporary thing.

I know most people on this board are totally against that, and will wonder what the point is. But really, there is no point to it, it is simply a temporary arrangement to fill some kind of void; companionship, physical affection, sexual stimulation, whatever.

I personally think single people should have a friend they can go to for sex, if that is all they want, it's a lot safer that way. Safer than random hookups for sure.

Another thing is I think sometimes people have to see what is out there before they can find the "nice" or "good" guys/girls.

For those who want to find a real relationship, I agree, it's a waste of time to have a sex buddy, and I also agree that "nice" guys wouldn't like it if they found out about it.

But who's telling them?

Posted by brianafay
If women want to fool themselves into believing sex isn't the end goal for every man, that's their problem.

It doesn't make men sleazebags...or "bad guys."
They're just doing what they are programmed to.

Women are not THAT different either.

Heterosexuality clearly does not work.

Men should look for other men...that way they can have "wham bam thank you man" sex to their little hearts content.

Chicks should all go lesbian, so they can pair off and commit to each other.



now where's my Nobel Peace Prize??

Posted by capgirl69
Been following this thread, and But who's telling them?

Maybe it's because I live in a nosy, small town, but people always find out. Here, everyone knows everyone's business.

Posted by truecap

Posted by capgirl69
Been following this thread, and But who's telling them?

Maybe it's because I live in a nosy, small town, but people always find out. Here, everyone knows everyone's business.

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Well, clearly, you can't date/ have sex with multiple men who live in the same town. Lol.
Maybe you could if they were very discreet.

These stories weren't about me! Just wanted to make that clear! lol!!

Living in a small town could be why I have the viewpoints I do. It's why I was able to observe the true samples I threw out there, though!

I didn't mean you, Truecap! I meant you like in anyone. Lol