How to stop being the night in shining armor—

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FYI.. auto correct sucks! Should be "knight in shining armour"

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Ok, for anyone that has read my previous topics, it's obvious that I have an issue of starting relationships with women who either need "fixing" or need "rescuing". It's not that I go into these relationships expecting women to change who they are... I just see potential and want to help them reach it. I'm this way with every relationship, not just romantically.

Problem is, I end up giving all I got and start to carry their burdens. Usually they make no effort to improve their own circumstances. Part of that being my fault, as every time I swoop in and rescue them, I enable them to be a little more dependant on me (codependency?). The exact opposite of my intentions.

I've been aware of my "knight in shining armour syndrome" since I was a teenager. It's pretty much been the theme for most of my serious relationships (and friendships for that matter). Despite being aware of this, I am still always willing to sacrifice myself entirely for someone I care about. When I care or love, it's really deep... Probably cuz I'm a Scorpio lol I see myself as helping someone I care about, but obviously take it to an extreme that isn't healthy for me or them. It's like I can't stop myself, even when I know what I'm doing. Idk why...

So how do I stop doing this? I've tried and tried and still somehow only find women who are either super dysfunctional or always in crisis (usually both lol). It's like I don't know what a healthy woman looks like. I also don't know how to sit back and let someone I care about deal with their own shit without trying to rescue them every time.

Im at a point in my life where I dont want to, but also am wiing to accept if I spend my life single. However, my dream has always been to find a woman to spend my life with and raise a big family. I have 2 boys (only one biological), but only have relationship/joint custody with my oldest, who happens to be adopted. My youngests mother is a total sociopath and found ways to manipulate the system so I can't see my little boy anymore, despite years of ongoing court battles. I want more kids, but it's got to be with someone who is not so dysfunctional (she don't gotta be perfect or nothing, just emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy). Also has to be with someone who is going to stick around and solve problems WITH me, not let me solve all the problems.

I'm trying to figure out where I got this from. My best guess is because of a lot of early childhood trauma and circumstances. My dad died when I was young and my mom is disabled. We got so poor by my early teens we didn't even have electricity, though she bought our house in cash, so at least we had shelter. At 14 I started working and paying bills and did so until I left home.

My younger sister (3 yrs apart) kind of put me the position of a father figure and even told me once as a teenager that I should have been more fatherly to her (as opposed to the typical older brother). I suspect those are the biggest sources right there?

So what are your thoughts on how to change this and where it originated? Give it to me straight... I can handle constructive criticism, but if you don't have anything useful to say, I'll probably just ignore you lol Just tired of unhealthy relationships and want to be able to enjoy my life and not be living in everyone else's crisis's, while in the mean time, my life falls apart from neglect. Just can't find a clear path to fixing my unhealthy and self destructive habits. Help me out! Lol

It could be defense mechanism too. You are scared of a perfect relationship

It’s easier to take care of others than ourselves. I suggest working on you. The codependency issues perhaps? Learning to choose you in situations. It takes practice.

Posted by Antiphates

By becoming the day in shining armor.

Haha That definitely is an option, but what that means, I have no idea... Other than my spelling error haha Are you a virgo by chance? Lol

Posted by MissKrabs

Yeah i kind did read your previous thread and with this info, you are simply used to taking care of someone. Problem is only if you are actually not attracted to "normal" people at all cause then you feel you have nothing to offer if it's not saving.

But anyway sounds something you can overcome. Crisis will be there anyway in some amount so you will shine here and there still lol.

Yeah, even now, I take care of my disabled mother, though not as much because her husband is there now. You think me feeling like I have anything to offer a normal person is due to a lack of self esteem? Idk, because I do feel I have a lot to offer the right woman... Maybe I'm worried I won't feel needed? Or is that what you are implying?

Posted by pisceswoman123

It could be defense mechanism too. You are scared of a perfect relationship

That makes sense that it might be a defense mechanism... Any ideas on why I wouldn't want a perfect relationship? Obviously I have to answer that for myself, but could use some suggestions to give me something to think about...

Posted by PuzzlePieces

It’s easier to take care of others than ourselves. I suggest working on you. The codependency issues perhaps? Learning to choose you in situations. It takes practice.

Yeah... I wonder somewhat if I take care of other so I don't have to face my own issues.... Though I usually just end up creating new issues for myself because I get lost in the relationship...definitely a level of codependency I think.

You attract the parts in yourself that need fixing. Until you do, it will keep happening...

Posted by justledouxit86

Posted by pisceswoman123

It could be defense mechanism too. You are scared of a perfect relationship

That makes sense that it might be a defense mechanism... Any ideas on why I wouldn't want a perfect relationship? Obviously I have to answer that for myself, but could use some suggestions to give me something to think about...

click to expand

It could be that deep down you don’t think you deserve it, or scared of having it and loosing, or a way of disconnecting so when things don’t work you can blame it on her, subconsciously.

Posted by justledouxit86

Posted by PuzzlePieces

It’s easier to take care of others than ourselves. I suggest working on you. The codependency issues perhaps? Learning to choose you in situations. It takes practice.

Yeah... I wonder somewhat if I take care of other so I don't have to face my own issues.... Though I usually just end up creating new issues for myself because I get lost in the relationship...definitely a level of codependency I think.

click to expand

That’s definitely been me. I didn’t discover it til I was 45. So you’re ahead of me lol. I know where mine started. But it very definitely was taking care of others when I didn’t have control of a situation. Started when my parents divorced. I was 9. I tried to “fix” the situation for a couple of years. 🤦‍♀️ Later codependency issues & focusing on others. I have the same wish as you always.. finding someone who is willing to work through things. I have spent the last ten years, personal growth and working on my issues. Well not actively the whole time, but it’s a lifelong process. Anyway, I’m much healthier, I understand choosing myself now, and I still support others. I just have to be careful to not take on their issues. They are theirs to handle. I think I’m finally at a point in life that I’m trying to choose partners that handle themselves and Can be actual partners.

I’m a Sag btw.

I had some thoughts today. Now finding your thread I see I can download my thoughts here.

I have Sag stelium. Whenever I was down in my young years, a Pisces people entered my life and this gave me a life.

Whenever I was strong, in good mode or at the beginning of a new adventure, peeps with Sag inside entered my life.

When I was hurt but tried to have a life, peep with Sag-Virgo combination entered my life.

Helpers come from Virgo-Pisces axis, the 12th house, or from Jupiter. I'd say.

Posted by Phantom_Limbo

Posted by Antiphates

By becoming the day in shining armor.

class="bqfade">click to expand

Lol the best! I’m ready for another season hurry up guyyyzzzz

Posted by MyStarsShine

You attract the parts in yourself that need fixing. Until you do, it will keep happening...

I agree with that. OP sounds really emotionally underdeveloped like age 5 or something. Arrogance used as coping mechanism and delusional.

Do you have a chiron 7 or 11?

I think it's nice for a man to take care of a woman...just be more informative and direct, and less enabling.

Posted by justledouxit86

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FYI.. auto correct sucks! Should be "knight in shining armour"

****

Ok, for anyone that has read my previous topics, it's obvious that I have an issue of starting relationships with women who either need "fixing" or need "rescuing". It's not that I go into these relationships expecting women to change who they are... I just see potential and want to help them reach it. I'm this way with every relationship, not just romantically.

Problem is, I end up giving all I got and start to carry their burdens. Usually they make no effort to improve their own circumstances. Part of that being my fault, as every time I swoop in and rescue them, I enable them to be a little more dependant on me (codependency?). The exact opposite of my intentions.

I've been aware of my "knight in shining armour syndrome" since I was a teenager. It's pretty much been the theme for most of my serious relationships (and friendships for that matter). Despite being aware of this, I am still always willing to sacrifice myself entirely for someone I care about. When I care or love, it's really deep... Probably cuz I'm a Scorpio lol I see myself as helping someone I care about, but obviously take it to an extreme that isn't healthy for me or them. It's like I can't stop myself, even when I know what I'm doing. Idk why...

So how do I stop doing this? I've tried and tried and still somehow only find women who are either super dysfunctional or always in crisis (usually both lol). It's like I don't know what a healthy woman looks like. I also don't know how to sit back and let someone I care about deal with their own shit without trying to rescue them every time.

Im at a point in my life where I dont want to, but also am wiing to accept if I spend my life single. However, my dream has always been to find a woman to spend my life with and raise a big family. I have 2 boys (only one biological), but only have relationship/joint custody with my oldest, who happens to be adopted. My youngests mother is a total sociopath and found ways to manipulate the system so I can't see my little boy anymore, despite years of ongoing court battles. I want more kids, but it's got to be with someone who is not so dysfunctional (she don't gotta be perfect or nothing, just emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy). Also has to be with someone who is going to stick around and solve problems WITH me, not let me solve all the problems.

I'm trying to figure out where I got this from. My best guess is because of a lot of early childhood trauma and circumstances. My dad died when I was young and my mom is disabled. We got so poor by my early teens we didn't even have electricity, though she bought our house in cash, so at least we had shelter. At 14 I started working and paying bills and did so until I left home.

My younger sister (3 yrs apart) kind of put me the position of a father figure and even told me once as a teenager that I should have been more fatherly to her (as opposed to the typical older brother). I suspect those are the biggest sources right there?

So what are your thoughts on how to change this and where it originated? Give it to me straight... I can handle constructive criticism, but if you don't have anything useful to say, I'll probably just ignore you lol Just tired of unhealthy relationships and want to be able to enjoy my life and not be living in everyone else's crisis's, while in the mean time, my life falls apart from neglect. Just can't find a clear path to fixing my unhealthy and self destructive habits. Help me out! Lol

I suggest you stop 'seeing their potential' and instead see who they actually are. They are right in front of you.