Infidelity

Why does it seem to be so rampant in society?

We had someone going on about her affair with a married man on the Cap board, now a guy on the Taur board going on about his escapades. I know we've had others divulging such, but I'm too tired to find those threads.

Then that brings us to, why do they cheat? I've read somewhere that often times for men it is physical whereas for women it is usually more emotional.

But, we have not only the cheaters, but why do men/women get involved with married individuals in the first place? I know people will jump on the morality band wagon, but there are other variables in play.

Have we had a thread on the placements/aspects of cheaters?

I TYPE IN CAPS JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF
MORE THAN HALF THE MEN IN THE WORLD HAVE MORE THAN ONE WOMAN UP TO ABOUT
500 YEARS AGO IT WAS THE NORM. A LOT OF MEN HAD WIFES AND SERVENT GIRLS THEY REPRODUCED WITH.
MARRAGE TO ONE WOMAN IS A RATHER NEW DEVELOPMENT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT ETHER WHY WOULD A MAN WANT MORE THAN ONE WOMAN IN HIS LIFE
THE AGERVATION HAS TO BE HARD ON HIM

Posted by lildol

Why does it seem to be so rampant in society?

The modern day parent refuses to reprimand their children ... they think that it will cause emotional harm if the child is told what to do.

This is the product .... adults who have no moral compass. They just do whatever the fuck they want to do, and never look at themselves as having accountability. It's always someone elses fault.

Now, those ignorants are going to have children, and it's going to be even worse .... because of those children want to have knowledge on how to be a responsible adult, their parents can't help them because they were never taught.

good point

I agree too...that was a very good point.

I think this is happening for several reasons:

1. Statistically, children born in single-parent homes are more likely to be single parents themselves when they have their own children (The cycle keeps going)

2. Hurt people, hurt other people

3. Society's unrealistic expectations on what relationships are about & the work that's supposed to go into them to keep them afloat. (People run when things get tough. Others stay too long when things get unbearable)

4. We are an "INSTANT-GRATIFICATION" generation. (There's no concept of patience. If we don't get what we want right now, shame on you & know that I'll just go get it somewhere else. Almost like a "do what you gotta do" mentality)

5. The media. Music. Movies. It's all over the place. Even if every TV says it's wrong, the fact that it's being talked about so much/exposed just makes people want to gravitate more towards what's "forbidden."

6. Getting in relationships/marriages before they're ready. 14 year olds nowadays are swearing they're ready for love or are already in love. Then you have the 25-30 year olds getting married before they've gotten the partying/sexual adventures out of their system. If they commit before they're mature enough or before they've gotten it out of their systems, they'll just get it out ON and during their partners lol (It's gotta get it somehow!)

7. Peers are doing. And b/c half of us have friends or know someone who is doing it, the likelihood of someone encouraging us to cheat OR not scolding us enough when we do, is much higher. (For example, a guy might tell his buddies he cheated with a beautiful Hooters girl & might get a high-5 for it as opposed to criticism or a lecture)

The reason single parent homes is significant is b/c if children aren't any longer growing up in households where the parents are together, faithful & raising them together as a family unit, it shows us at a very young age that it's ok to have children, but not necessarily be a "family" or that it's not necessarily essential for respect, commitment & real love to be part of the equation when considering a relationship

8. People don't want relationships for "love" anymore. They're either marrying for money, job status, popularity, pressure from society, looks, loneliness, pressure from family, pressure from their own biological clocks, etc. Everything OTHER than real love. So when any of those things run out (especially money, loneliness, or looks) it's no wonder people discard of others or their relationship like trash b/c they no longer need you

9. There's just as many women/men willing to date someone whose taken as there are people willing to stray in their relationships. (Even if 50 people reject you b/c you're taken, there's always gonna be that ONE person who is ok with it.)

10. Revenge. Women who have been scorned by men in the past will sometimes purposely flock to married men b/c it's their way of getting back at all men or even other women b/c they're still full of resentment that another woman once broke up her own relationship/marriage. Same goes for men. They got hurt so they do all the women afterwards dirty b/c it saves them from ever getting too attached & taking the risk of getting hurt like that again

Posted by JenLove
Infidelity usually has to do with a number of different factors so it's hard to really pin point one reason and give one solid answer as to why all people do it since each case is different. I think if we were to sum it up, the three main and most common factors behind cheating are a false sense of satisfaction, insecurity and selfishness.

Adultery has always happened, it is not some kind of new phenomenon. Even in ancient times, there have been accounts of infidelity, it was just very taboo and even criminal. I think we see it a lot more now because people have greater opportunities to do it and people are just more open about it. I mean there are websites that help people set up affairs for goodness sakes, it's absolutely ridiculous. I think there's really no punishment for it like there use to be, in certain societies people would get stoned to death and publicly ridiculed for being adulterers and that just doesn't happen anymore or at least not in most countries.

Good points! The population has also tripled too so of course it seems the percentage of people who cheat has increased but really there's just a lot more people, which automatically affects the numbers/statistics

I do however feel like it's def. more rampant in our generation than in others. Now a days, you've got more single mothers more than ever. Back in the day a man/woman might cheat on his spouse, but he damn sure wouldn't leave his family & kids for it

Nowadays, even the smallest infidelity can split an entire family a part, & what's so sad is that the kids pay for it 99% of the time smh

Thats a good point too Krys.

Kind of continuing a bit from it , and how things were done in the past, I bet the number of women approaching men has tripled as well. It seems back in the day a man went out and found his wife....the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...asking for a date then her hand in marriage.

Nowadays, more women are told to approach, go get what they want. Men are now excused for being "shy" or having so many
options the women feel she has no choice but to approach him. Then after that, in many cases its the woman that has to remind the man that they cant just live unmarried forever, so she also has to, in many cases, be the one to subtly push for marriage.

So maybe theres not as much of a bond, not as strong of a foundation, not as much respect from the man because it was all never as much of his choice.

We all know that young people get married because of the big party and the expectations set on them. Then they realize that long-term commitment is an abstract notion imposed on them, rather than something coming from within.

Commitment is what should keep them together, when they actually don't want to be together anymore. Commitment is what should keep them sexually faithful, when the presence/thought/smell/sight of their partner becomes a lust killer.

Theoretically, people who become unfaithful but STAY in the relationship are in fact MORE committed than those who leave the marriage and go on to have sex with others. This is because they've KEPT the promise to stay together.

Wished I lived in a society in which "marriage" is a binding contract ONLY for breeding pairs, until their youngster becomes a teenager.

People who don't have/want children, or have passed their breeding age, should be recommended to keep their finances separate and to leave/exchange partners every four years or earlier, to maintain the optimal interaction with each other, and to maximize their happiness levels. Those who stay longer should be teased as lazy, unadventurous, demented or gold diggers. Or even better, fined.

Posted by lnana04
Thats a good point too Krys.

Kind of continuing a bit from it , and how things were done in the past, I bet the number of women approaching men has tripled as well. It seems back in the day a man went out and found his wife....the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...asking for a date then her hand in marriage.

Nowadays, more women are told to approach, go get what they want. Men are now excused for being "shy" or having so many
options the women feel she has no choice but to approach him. Then after that, in many cases its the woman that has to remind the man that they cant just live unmarried forever, so she also has to, in many cases, be the one to subtly push for marriage.

So maybe theres not as much of a bond, not as strong of a foundation, not as much respect from the man because it was all never as much of his choice.

Very good points again!!

I think people are getting married way too soon & their excuse is that their elders & past generations used to do it. Yeah, but things were completely different then.

People are picking partners based on whose the best "Void-filler" as opposed to who they love as a person, so of course relationships fall apart once it's discovered that the void was just temporary to begin with. Therefore, once the void goes away, that person no longer has a need for you b/c that's all they wanted you for to begin with

It's a lot more acceptable in families for men to be players. I know this stuff has been going on since the beginning of time, but I do feel that "family shaming" def. had some GOOD benefits.

Nowadays, if a man has sex with a woman or gets her pregnant & leaves her, he's patted on the back for it, instead of scolded like he would've been had he tried that "running" crap 50 years ago

Men, especially, value the opinions of their fathers & families in general. They have to work much harder for approval in society, & if there were the same consequences of "shaming" by society now like there was back then when a man does something irresponsible, I think we'd see a major difference in a good way in how things are

Plus, what's up with all this texting?! No one writes love letters anymore! No one picks up the phone & just calls you to hear your voice! Nowadays people just get online & pick a partner like they would clothing out of a catalogue.

Posted by lnana04
Thats a good point too Krys.

Kind of continuing a bit from it , and how things were done in the past, I bet the number of women approaching men has tripled as well. It seems back in the day a man went out and found his wife....the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...asking for a date then her hand in marriage.

Nowadays, more women are told to approach, go get what they want. Men are now excused for being "shy" or having so many
options the women feel she has no choice but to approach him. Then after that, in many cases its the woman that has to remind the man that they cant just live unmarried forever, so she also has to, in many cases, be the one to subtly push for marriage.

So maybe theres not as much of a bond, not as strong of a foundation, not as much respect from the man because it was all never as much of his choice.

If I understand correctly, are you saying that it is OK for men try to go for the partner they want, but not for women?

I wonder why is that? Do women have less sense than men when deciding which partner to choose? Even those who aren't on the pill? (I've read the pill affects their choice...but why would they be on the pill if they are yet to find a partner—)

Do women need to be happy that someone has "chosen" them, because "love" for them will automatically follow after they had intercourse a few times (I've actually read this in a thread here, discussing FWB and was surprised for how many people believe this to be the case !!!!).

In reality, it doesn't matter who winks first. Love is not a competition, isn't it? It doesn't matter who winks the last either. It takes two to form a relationship. And both of them to keep it going.

"People are picking partners based on whose the best "Void-filler" as opposed to who they love as a person"

"Nowadays people just get online & pick a partner like they would clothing out of a catalogue."


Do you see the contradiction?

Void-filler= caused by lack of choice. As it could happen (I don't say it should) when finding your partner in the neighbourhood/work place.

Get online & pick a partner like they would clothing out of a catalogue = plenty of choice!

You can't really condemn both as inadequate 🙂.

@Undine: I think she was trying to point out certain gender roles (the man approaches the woman, for example) & how they've changed & how them changing could be a factor in why things are so different. Not necessarily different in a bad way, but nonetheless, still different

1 thing's for sure, this generation is definitely doing something wrong. The way we go about love (which starts at the 1st approach) is all wrong & the results/statistics can attest to that

What I meant when I said "like clothing out of a catalogue" is that people have forgotten the golden question: What about how that person makes you feel? It's ok to want a partner with green eyes & an athletic build but at some point, we have to have more of an incentive to "connect" other than looks

There's a disconnect from the person being an actual "person" with feelings when dating online. Can it change into an awesome connection later? Yes. BUT the initial approach is all about OUTSIDE appearances.

And if our society stopped placing too much importance on everything BUT how that person makes you feel & who they are as a person, I think the state of love/relationships would change for the better.

Not saying that my theory is correct. But clearly the mentality we have about love isn't working & I'm open-minded & acknowledging of that

There is a reason things aren't getting off the ground like they used to or lasting like they used to. WHY they're not is the million dollar question

For some of us who have realized that what we're doing isn't working, I think we're all just a bunch of people saying, "Well if that's not the real reason, then what IS the real problem?" Hence, the purpose of this thread

Given that I started this thread I have to come clean. I can't say that I'm an innocent. Well, maybe. When I was 16 I got caught up with a guy who was "separated" from his wife. I was at his place rather frequently. Come to find out he was telling his wife I was like a sister to him - they were trying to work things out as they had 2 children. He helped me get my own place (yes, I was living on my own at 16 and also working 12 hr days). His wife and I were friendly. I probably considered her a friend at the time, I certainly wasn't threatened by her presence in his life. She came over one day to confront me. Someone told her that her husband and I had showered together. Me being me, didn't deny. She thanked me for being honest, hugged me, and cried on my shoulder. Talk about awkward, especially for a 16 yo kid. His wife gave him a choice at that point... I continued seeing him for another 2 years. He's the father of my daughter. And, if you are wondering, we did not split because he cheated on me. No, I don't think he ever cheated on me. It was worse, he beat me. Maybe I saved her...

Wow

Well...if you have no evidence that he cheated, I'm certainly not gonna tell you to make something out of nothing

BUT I'd hope that you'd at least be open-minded to the fact that if a man cheated on the woman he vowed before God to be faithful to, he's probably not the faithful type

And if he's the kind of man who lacks morals enough to beat women, he's no different than the average person who cheats, why? Well b/c they lack morals. After all, no one is really surprised when a man whose abusive ALSO turns out to be a cheater too. That's what lack of morals will do to ya!

Maybe you saved her, maybe you didn't. I certainly hope you don't think you did this woman a favor by sleeping with her husband. I'm sure there were many others other than you that neither of you may know about

And just like she was blinded until someone told her, the same could be true for you. I've had plenty of friends who didn't tell the girlfriend or wife that their husband/partner was cheating (for numerous reasons). If there's 1 thing I've learned with age it's that just b/c no one has told you doesn't mean it's not happening

And if people know the history behind you two, I wouldn't be surprised if people purposely didn't tell you persay he really was cheating on you b/c they'd probably figure that you deserved it for even pursuing a relationship with a married man to begin with.

Sounds like this guy is extremely toxic & dangerous. I hope you've left him for the sake of your children. It's 1 thing to expose yourself to such disrespect, which is already bad enough, but it's another thing to expose innocent children who can't fight back to it

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by lildol

Why does it seem to be so rampant in society?

The modern day parent refuses to reprimand their children ... they think that it will cause emotional harm if the child is told what to do.

This is the product .... adults who have no moral compass. They just do whatever the fuck they want to do, and never look at themselves as having accountability. It's always someone elses fault.

Now, those ignorants are going to have children, and it's going to be even worse .... because of those children want to have knowledge on how to be a responsible adult, their parents can't help them because they were never taught.

click to expand

Yep.

Posted by P-Angel



The modern day parent refuses to reprimand their children ... they think that it will cause emotional harm if the child is told what to do.

This is the product .... adults who have no moral compass. They just do whatever the fuck they want to do, and never look at themselves as having accountability. It's always someone elses fault.

Now, those ignorants are going to have children, and it's going to be even worse .... because of those children want to have knowledge on how to be a responsible adult, their parents can't help them because they were never taught.

This is the ONLY response that hit the nail on the head. The behavior is learned from the parents that is IF a parent is around to raise their kids. 😢

Posted by lildol
Given that I started this thread I have to come clean. I can't say that I'm an innocent. Well, maybe. When I was 16 I got caught up with a guy who was "separated" from his wife. I was at his place rather frequently. Come to find out he was telling his wife I was like a sister to him - they were trying to work things out as they had 2 children. He helped me get my own place (yes, I was living on my own at 16 and also working 12 hr days). His wife and I were friendly. I probably considered her a friend at the time, I certainly wasn't threatened by her presence in his life. She came over one day to confront me. Someone told her that her husband and I had showered together. Me being me, didn't deny. She thanked me for being honest, hugged me, and cried on my shoulder. Talk about awkward, especially for a 16 yo kid. His wife gave him a choice at that point... I continued seeing him for another 2 years. He's the father of my daughter. And, if you are wondering, we did not split because he cheated on me. No, I don't think he ever cheated on me. It was worse, he beat me. Maybe I saved her...

..So then one would ask who taught you prior to age 16 this was acceptable?

and I don't mean that to be rude, it's to reinforce Pangel's logic.

Posted by LetltB

Posted by P-Angel



The modern day parent refuses to reprimand their children ... they think that it will cause emotional harm if the child is told what to do.

This is the product .... adults who have no moral compass. They just do whatever the fuck they want to do, and never look at themselves as having accountability. It's always someone elses fault.

Now, those ignorants are going to have children, and it's going to be even worse .... because of those children want to have knowledge on how to be a responsible adult, their parents can't help them because they were never taught.

This is the ONLY response that hit the nail on the head. The behavior is learned from the parents that is IF a parent is around to raise their kids. 😢

click to expand

I know several children who went on to behave completely different from what they've learned in their parental home. I'm one of them.

My dad cheated on my mum constantly. First time she caught him, they were freshly married. Last time, they were in their sixties. I myself got to meet three of his mistresses, one of them in my parents bed.

My mum made his life (and ours) a living hell on a daily basis, when she let her frustration out by screaming offensive words at him and his relatives. However, they only separated for 7 years, when my dad won a fab working contract in a different country. My dad leaving home (I was 14 at that time) was one of the best things that I can remember during my teenage years. We visited him twice a year, during our holidays, and that was more than plenty.

My parents are still together, in fact I'm meeting them for a week in Rome soon, for a short holiday I organised and paid. I have no bad feelings left for them. However, there is no way I would ever tolerate to live my life in a similar way to my parents.

The children are not simply imitators. They judge everything they see and grow up to have a mind of their own. Parents are often use as an example of what NOT do do when you grow up.

Posted by LetltB

Posted by P-Angel



The modern day parent refuses to reprimand their children ... they think that it will cause emotional harm if the child is told what to do.

This is the product .... adults who have no moral compass. They just do whatever the fuck they want to do, and never look at themselves as having accountability. It's always someone elses fault.

Now, those ignorants are going to have children, and it's going to be even worse .... because of those children want to have knowledge on how to be a responsible adult, their parents can't help them because they were never taught.

This is the ONLY response that hit the nail on the head. The behavior is learned from the parents that is IF a parent is around to raise their kids. 😢

click to expand

+1 on both comments

Posted by LetltB

Posted by lildol
Given that I started this thread I have to come clean. I can't say that I'm an innocent. Well, maybe. When I was 16 I got caught up with a guy who was "separated" from his wife. I was at his place rather frequently. Come to find out he was telling his wife I was like a sister to him - they were trying to work things out as they had 2 children. He helped me get my own place (yes, I was living on my own at 16 and also working 12 hr days). His wife and I were friendly. I probably considered her a friend at the time, I certainly wasn't threatened by her presence in his life. She came over one day to confront me. Someone told her that her husband and I had showered together. Me being me, didn't deny. She thanked me for being honest, hugged me, and cried on my shoulder. Talk about awkward, especially for a 16 yo kid. His wife gave him a choice at that point... I continued seeing him for another 2 years. He's the father of my daughter. And, if you are wondering, we did not split because he cheated on me. No, I don't think he ever cheated on me. It was worse, he beat me. Maybe I saved her...

..So then one would ask who taught you prior to age 16 this was acceptable?

click to expand

+1

This is the product of a generation where good sense in childrearing was lacking.
Lildol, you may want to examine this situation you knew and find out how NOT to make the same mistake with your own kid. - The best way to do that is consult a lot of older people to see what they say.
Usually, when you're young, you're going to make mistakes. IF a child is there when you are young, they may learn to make the same. Your actions speak louder than words, so if you want to be a big influence on your child, consider the pros and cons of your actions BEFORE you act. When teaching your child explain why you don't do this or don't do that. Never just correct them with a "time-out", raised voice or spankin' alone - talk.

@Krys, thanks. That was over 25 years ago... well in the past 🙂 I found out I was pregnant a month after I finally left him. Probably lucky I didn't lose the baby that night...

@LIB, he was separated. They didn't live together nor were they sleeping at each others places. I had no clue what he was telling her. I believed what he was telling me. I really don't think he had any intentions of getting back with her, he was just keeping the peace I suppose. When she confronted him, I was there, he chose me. I should have walked. But, then again, I was just a 16 yo kid and had her blessings. She and I always remained friendly, she even told me she was glad it was me. Weird, huh?

Never again have I got myself caught up with a "separated" man though. Too many what if's.

They never did divorce, just went on living their own lives. She died last year of a drug overdose, so, he's finally reached single status again.

@MrFirebird, thanks for the advice. I'm well beyond that now. 🙂

But, on that note, my experience is probably why I flipped when a 23 yo was messing around with my daughter at age 15. I knew all too well what snakes 23 yo men can be and the bs they spew. The guy wasn't married (to my knowledge), but he was playing both my daughter and her best friend, telling them both no one has ever loved him like they did and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with them (sounded all too familiar). Unfortunately he got what he wanted out of the both of them, but I made sure he also got what he deserved. He's a registered sex offender...

That is really fucked up.

So, because of the baggage you carry from your past ... you ruin the life of a guy who was involved with a consentual 15 year old.

Just like YOU were consentual those 25 years ago ... if your daughter wasn't raped, then what you did was a terrible thing to do, because it comes from a place of revenging emotions from your past, rather than from a place of making life better for your daughter.

To say you flipped out, equates to your daughter witnessing you losing your shit over something that she was obviously never taught was wrong.

If she was fucking this guy, then you never taught her NOT to fuck around at her tender age, so she had no moral compass to signal to her that it wasn't right ... then you flip out, and punish a guy to whom she probably liked.

What you did there ^^^^^^^ likely fucked her up much more than a guy older than her, in whom she likes.


wow .... that is so fucked up lildol ... you're fucking damaging her by doing shit like that

Posted by lildol

... my experience is probably why I flipped when ...

You say it right here ^^^ ... you flip because of the your demons from the past that haunt you. \

Posted by lildol

but he was playing both my daughter and her best friend, telling them both no one has ever loved him like they did and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with them (sounded all too familiar)

click to expand

Again ..... you reference your own experience as your motive to fuck up peoples lives. She might have really loved this guy ... did you even address her feelings? Or did you just rip this guy away from her, as if her feelings for her never mattered?

In no way am I suggesting that an adult should be having sex with a 15-yo ..... but, I am saying that what you wrote here ONLY focuses around how YOU feel about your past, and I see nothing in here that shows any concern about how your daughter feels.

If she loved him, and you did that to him ..... then any regard she has for you in the future may be in spite of you.

Did you think about that? Do you even care about that?


Maybe they loved each other ... like for reals. I'm not condoning a love that is inappropriate, but, I do think you should have considered your daughters feelings for him, before acting ... because the way you worded that, it sounds like you were seeking retribution for your own past.