Should I spy on her?

So, I've done my very best to put aside that fact that she cheated, but I still felt so much better when I broke up with her. Now that I've taken her back, the anxiety is starting to build again. It gets worse when I know that she could cheat again if she wanted. The simplest of things gets me going again. For example, this morning when she hugged me, she didn't move her whole body into mine ... not a total fake shoulder hug, but close. Then today she mentioned on the phone about wanting to spend the night with her girlfriend to study again ... I don't know if she meant tonight or what, but it would just be super easy for her to cheat when she doesn't have to come home. In her defense, staying with this gf does save her 2 hours of driving ... but it also just happens to have her on the same side of town as the other dude.

It's really hard to trust again after it has been broken.

hey buddy, you signed yourself up for all this 2x!

this just seems like too much work and stress if ur only getting sex once a quarter

DMV ... I'm trying to figure out how to do an open relationship because as you know ... i've never been faithful to anyone either.

y`all want to hear some funny shit though ... she doesn't want me to get even. Before we broke up she was saying things like: if you want to sleep with some girl to get even, that's ok. Now that we have done this breakup thing and I'm getting exited about flirting with other girls and getting some irons in the fire at least ... well, now she's complaining about her anxiety and says things like, "well yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually want to get even."

smh ... women!!!

So, you guys didn't answer my question. I actually told her that I had a fantasy about catching her, kicking the dude's ass, and then banging her right then and there. I hate to say it, but she acted like she might not mind when I said that.

Posted by jru2

So, you guys didn't answer my question. I actually told her that I had a fantasy about catching her, kicking the dude's ass, and then banging her right then and there. I hate to say it, but she acted like she might not mind when I said that.

Welllll, since you put it that way....spying may be necessary here.

oh, and I've actually had more great sex in the last 6 months than at any other time in my life ... I only come here to complain about the bad times. She's way more experienced than anyone I've ever been with before ... that's part of the problem too ... she's comparing me with some pro's and I'm fine to admit, I'm not that good. ...been learning a lot though.

so again, in her defense, she hasn't been getting as much out of the sex with me as I do with her. In my defense, I've basically given her permission to do whatever she needs to do as long as she tells me 1st and we maintain a bubble of honesty. I'm worried that she thinks I can't handle the truth ... whereas, the truth is so much easier to handle than the doubts.

so if u dont care who she screws, why spy?

And if you spy on her and find out? What then? Are you going to take her back again? You already have the information you need. She cheated. Done deal. Why put yourself through all this emotional turmoil? Get rid of her.

@DMV ... the screwing is easier to deal with than the lying and the screwing

@dg ... the test and studying, that's legit ... although she would have passed it already if she weren't such a screw ball.

@Xin ... I think spying would be fun at this point. That's kinda creepy too though, so I wanted to run it by you guys. Right now, I'm envisioning that I just check up next time she says she's gonna study with her friend. I won't try to follow her or anything, but maybe just see if her car is parked where she says it is.

Also, if by some far out chance it turns out that she isn't doing anything, what a relief that would be. lol, but pretty sure I'm dreaming on that note.

Thanks for the real hug ellessque! I might not mind the slap either ... but you better watch out, i do bite 😛

she's a little younger, not much ... lol, she acts about like 25 y/o though. crazy but i love it

Question : Do you really want to be with her—

it's sooo weird ... she's sooo different from what I thought I wanted. So, I don't know how to describe the attraction; her mind is a wonderful and intriguing place. Hmmm, I know how to answer!

Yes, I absolutely want to be with her. She scares me though. She gives off a vibe that if I married her, that she would go completely freaking bananas for example. lol, as if i'm not, but whatever.

She has helped me grow as a person in the last few months. She also helped me give up at least one addiction that was keeping me from enjoying a fuller life. What worries me is that she doesn't seem that interested in working on herself. Unless she starts growing as a person also, I don't see much of a future for us. I've been trying, but I don't know how to inspire her to grow.

Look I am really going to lay it out on the line here and do what I did last time. But I think you like this crap. Who in their right mind LOGICALLY takes back a person that cheats. Fuuuuuck that. Hell to the no. That just reinforces the statement that you either 1. have a low self esteem or 2. she can push you the fuck around and 3. can prey on you because you let her do whatever the damn hell she wants. Most people would be like hot damn I fucked this other guy and he took me back! Right now you are only looking at the few points that made you feel good as seen in the paragraph you just posted. You need to look at exactly what happened. She...CHEATED. You...TOOK HER BACK. There is nothing around this bs. Here and from now on you will always be on guard, always wondering what she is REALLY doing. Hey it's your life but once someone cheats there really is no recovering fully.

well, i'm kinda looking forward to the possibility of having a free pass myself. I don't know if it's possible to build a relationship on that, but this is the time to give it a go. I know full well that as soon as she finds someone else to shack up with, or as soon as her finances improve, she may be gone.

i guess spying is a ridiculous idea, but it does still sound like fun to do once or twice just for the hell of it.

really i know that sooner or later she will mess up if she is cheating ... she's too lazy keep it secret for long.

Posted by aurora
I've read some parts of your previous thread and I think that you are actually enjoying this drama, and that's ok, I'm not judging you. So, from that point of view, just go for it. If you think you should spy on her (not spying would be "mature", "healthy" approach and your relationship is nothing like that) just do it. Be consistent. For some reason, you need this experience, you are in the phase of learning about yourself, so see where are the limits. And if she founds out, from what I've read about her, she will enjoy it. Of course, she will create more drama, but that's what you are into right now 🙂.

+1

Posted by jru2
well, i'm kinda looking forward to the possibility of having a free pass myself. I don't know if it's possible to build a relationship on that, but this is the time to give it a go. I know full well that as soon as she finds someone else to shack up with, or as soon as her finances improve, she may be gone.

i guess spying is a ridiculous idea, but it does still sound like fun to do once or twice just for the hell of it.

really i know that sooner or later she will mess up if she is cheating ... she's too lazy keep it secret for long.

Wait. You are looking forward to having a free pass yourself? PFF like that is going to work. For a man your age you should know way better than this. The second you do it all hell will break loose because she will be like "Well I didn't actually REALLY mean it". LOL! Seriously dump her. I'm done with answering this thread. You're an emotional masochist and it's unattractive.

lol Xin ... maybe you're right. But I don't think I am emotional masochist. I really enjoy when a relationship is going well. I think I just hang on to some of these too long because I'm longing for the good times again ... not that I'm enjoying the trauma.

Posted by aurora
But you have to be aware that you are enjoying the good times much more because you are also experiencing trauma with her. What I want to tell you that there is a possibility that those good moments are actually nothing special. The tension is what turns you on 🙂

yeah, you're probably right about that too. same is true for her. I think a lot of her sexual past involves borderline abusive relationships ... the worse the relationship, the better the sex. same with her side dude.

It doesn't compute for me to treat someone shitty in order to turn them on sexually. I've been experimenting, and she definitely responds to that. should have seen what i did to her morning after I found out she cheated. I would never imagined doing that to someone I cared about, but she seemed to like it. She just asked after, you weren't acting, were you? Nope, i was just treating her like the tramp I thought she was at the moment. craziness, this is a whole new world for me.

and true, we both have self esteem issues. that might be my next area to work on.

Posted by DMV
hey buddy, you signed yourself up for all this 2x!

Seriously.

I've seen it a million times and done it a million times more.

Posted by jru2

Posted by aurora
But you have to be aware that you are enjoying the good times much more because you are also experiencing trauma with her. What I want to tell you that there is a possibility that those good moments are actually nothing special. The tension is what turns you on 🙂

yeah, you're probably right about that too. same is true for her. I think a lot of her sexual past involves borderline abusive relationships ... the worse the relationship, the better the sex. same with her side dude.

It doesn't compute for me to treat someone shitty in order to turn them on sexually. I've been experimenting, and she definitely responds to that. should have seen what i did to her morning after I found out she cheated. I would never imagined doing that to someone I cared about, but she seemed to like it. She just asked after, you weren't acting, were you? Nope, i was just treating her like the tramp I thought she was at the moment. craziness, this is a whole new world for me.

and true, we both have self esteem issues. that might be my next area to work on.

click to expand

It seems fun and exciting at first but man I don't think you wanna open that bag. I think you know better too but I think your too long gone now lol

@aurora

no, you're 2nd paragraph is off. The relationship as a whole has not been fun lately. I'm even frustrated that I was doing fine alone before she came along, and now if she leaves I would not be fine. Once I took her back, I'm invested in her again. Also, it's not fun feeling like she possibly only cares about me because she needs me ... not just financially, she draws close to me when she is an emotional wreck and pulls away whenever she feels fine. I'd give anything to just enjoy her and her enjoy me with no stress, no drama. But as she said the other day, I don't do normal.

Posted by jru2
@aurora

no, you're 2nd paragraph is off. The relationship as a whole has not been fun lately. I'm even frustrated that I was doing fine alone before she came along, and now if she leaves I would not be fine. Once I took her back, I'm invested in her again. Also, it's not fun feeling like she possibly only cares about me because she needs me ... not just financially, she draws close to me when she is an emotional wreck and pulls away whenever she feels fine. I'd give anything to just enjoy her and her enjoy me with no stress, no drama. But as she said the other day, I don't do normal.

She is just gonna mentally and emotional destroy you till there is nothing left.

Hell no to that Sag89 ... she's not got me wrapped up that tight. She be back to being distant today and I have no patience. I'm just looking forward to this weekend and going out with my best friend back in my hometown. We will both be highly motivated to party!

my girl is just weird. I'd still like to figure out how to help her 'cause she's a mess on her own. I'll be fine though; I'm strong and ultimately self sufficient. Sometimes I just want to slap her and say ... look, you're missing a big opportunity here, stop trying to sabotage it.

Posted by jru2
Hell no to that Sag89 ... she's not got me wrapped up that tight. She be back to being distant today and I have no patience. I'm just looking forward to this weekend and going out with my best friend back in my hometown. We will both be highly motivated to party!

my girl is just weird. I'd still like to figure out how to help her 'cause she's a mess on her own. I'll be fine though; I'm strong and ultimately self sufficient. Sometimes I just want to slap her and say ... look, you're missing a big opportunity here, stop trying to sabotage it.

You can't " help " someone like that. The best you can ever hope for in this situation is she stops cheating and you have a totally topical shallow relationship. That you both can settle for cause neither of you can go deeper. And by all means go for it if it's what you want. I can't say I haven't been there and settled for that.

But my guess is if it isn't cheating she will always find something to wedge between you and her. ( come here go away, fighting over pointless shit, jealousy, so on and so forth) and you too.

The trama bonds can get ugly.

ok, so we just broke up for a 2nd time ... let's see how long this one lasts. She was more on board with breaking up this time.

Why did you break up?

What is your sign?

He's a Virgo.

Posted by Wynter
He's a Virgo.

i thought he's a sag??

He is. I'm just messin with her. 😛

lol, little things that make me think I made right decision. I got home this weekend to find half a package of turkey bacon in my silverware drawer ... I don't think she did it on purpose ... I think she was just looking for a clip for the package, got distracted and left it there.

Posted by jru2
lol, little things that make me think I made right decision. I got home this weekend to find half a package of turkey bacon in my silverware drawer ... I don't think she did it on purpose ... I think she was just looking for a clip for the package, got distracted and left it there.

Was it raw? Perhaps she was waiting for it to ripen in anticipation of your next food fight 😛

I don't know if you guys are tired of this story yet, but whatever ... here goes the latest drama:

Friday night I'm out of town visiting my mom with my kids. We broke up on the phone again before I left. She texts me that she's out to dinner with that guy she slept with before. I spent most of the rest of the weekend telling her that she is a lazy slob loser who I have lost all respect for (actually I tried to phrase it as more constructive criticism).

Finally, by Sunday she texts something like, you have been so mean to me these last couple of days just leave me alone. don't call me because if you do i won't answer. I'm staying with my friend until I can find my own place and then I'll come get my stuff ... etc. etc. you mean man etc. etc. I fucking hate you ... blah, blah, blah.

So, I get home Sunday night. I mow the grass, do dishes, laundry, throw away the turkey bacon, get the kids settled in, take 2 sleeping pills, and then finally I get to fall asleep sprawled out across the whole bed enjoying it all to myself ... no more flea bag dog to share it with and no more flea bag gf to share it with.

So, about 10:30 that night I wake up to my bedroom door opening. It's her. She wakes me up to tell me that she came home because she couldn't sleep for the last two nights and she knew I hadn't either and that we both needed a good nights sleep. So then we fixed a pizza, ate it in bed, and went to sleep holding hands.

What's the name of that movie where that bitch has the icepick under the bed? Sharon Stone was in it?

Well, this reminds me of that movie for some reason.

lol, yes thank you 😛

Posted by aurora
Basic Instinct lol
@jru2 Ok, the latest drama is not so a drama comparing to previous events, this sounds even romantic 🙂

huh? the ending maybe, but it wasn't so romantic to me when I was laying in bed to go to sleep at my mom's and got the text that she was out to dinner with her side dude. I was like, great .. no sleep again tonight.

I'll have my time soon enough though.

your both feedinf off of it. she gets the uranian upheaval flavor of the relationship and you allow it.