Addiction

I'm posting this here because I feel like Elle would point out 'it's your Scorpion moon, dear'. I grew up with an addict (heroin) as a father. We're now estranged, and the only reason I'm not explaining everything is because it's too long and confusing.. and also because unfortunately many addicts maintain similar patterns, so much can go unsaid for sanity's sake.

He was (is?) a good man, and loves his family with every bit of him. And ultimately the resultant survivors of an addict's life must accept the fact that love is and will never be enough for the addict. It's a choice they must see and accept - and while becoming strong enough for a life of battling for sobriety.

I've gone through the stages - denial, blind destruction through repression, numbness - alot of that, unforgiving grief, misery and crying myself to sleep, disgust. Now I find myself in an odd crossroad of logic, slight repulsion (ONLY due to the fact that he's so burnt out - his thought patterns are remnants of the man he once was), and emptiness.

Not an emptiness that represents lack of emotion.. but the kind where you are looking for something you had lost and can envision it in your minds eye in every place you look. Every revealing of your hunt for the precious object releases a severe drop in your stomach since you were *SO SURE* the object was there, you ENVISIONED it.. but alas - you set yourself up.. again. And you continue doing such and feel naive for keeping on like that.

It's a specific description, but the best way I can put it.

I'm not wanting to fix anything.. But I need to put my emotion to rest because he's been an addict FOREVER and I shouldn't be emotionally ruled by that, however small the feeling is.

Have you ever emotionally transitioned yourself with a similar matter, or even somebody who wouldn't and couldn't change? I'd like to know any of your experiences with parasitic (but not PURPOSEFULLY so, or well you can share that too) relationship in your life? Have you handled part of it? Are you going to start? Do you think you ever will?

I'm already tearing up from being able to see how two drastically different humans may share such similar footprints in childhood..

Elly, A million bizillion hugs, honestly and with raw compassion.

I've been thinking about going to those meetings for years, but I've been too nervous to uncover those tracks in my memory. But I cannot just ignore and accept that pain, since that's no better of a road he has traveled. I will I will!

I'm astounded with how parallel our experiences are.. despite stating in my first post on how addicts follow similar roads.. I guess I didn't expect to read something that paralleled with addicts' loved ones too.

Gosh, how is his liver?! Excuse the outburst but that's my A&P nerd speaking? And does he have any cognitive deficits (minor or not?).

I am the child, sister, ex-wife of an addict and/or alcoholic. I have 23 yrs of recovery myself in Al-Anon. Some of my loved ones have gotten sober, some maintained it, some lost it. My 20 yr old son began his recovery in Alateen, and continued in Al-anon. He has chosen, one day at a time, to not pick up a drink or a drug. EVER. Pretty hard odds for a college student.

I choose to change myself, rather, to save myself. This has affected the others in my life in a positive way. Being in a relationship with addicts/alcholics is a daily challenge where strict boundaries are required. It is very difficult to enjoy a harmonious relationship with someone who hates themselve and is so self destructive. I do it...a day at a time.

Reposting on here..

I find that I didn't come back to read this for selfish reasons of denial. I'm always procrastinating going to a meeting and don't even admit to myself that I should look into 12 steps for myself and sobriety.

I've found that I never crash and burn hard enough to want it for myself. On all stances - my own sobriety, my admittance to my own selfishness getting in the way of my relationships with my siblings he took away, and my trip to ACTUALLY healing from his disease.

I'm so so sorry I'm not as strong. Thank you for sharing, and for being truthful.

I understand what you're saying and appreciate it. I want to want to change myself for myself. Im'm not an addict but I do have addictions, and I know my change will last for the fact that I know I'll eventually want that.

I also know my father never will.

This fact makes the following the most difficult for me:

I have 3 siblings from my father. 1 older who I've not seen for over 8-9 years. I've searched for 5 now. He's with his mother but because of my father, she has made it impossible to find.

My 2 younger I'm EXTREMELY close to. We grew up together (went to dad's and stepmothers home every weekend) from my age of 7/8-14. They were my world. Age 14 he suddenly left out of state and lied about the state he was in. Took my siblings. Went MIA for 5 years - with NO contact. Took me 5 years to TRACK HIM DOWN because I didn't know who was alive or dead.

My little sister is 9 years younger so I'm quite protective of her.

I've now talked to them via phone and internet and everyone is fine, and my siblings are so grown. It hurts me horribly knowing that I'd talk and develop a relationship with my siblings that was meant to happen if I didn't feel sickened by the aura my father casts over anything he's involved with.

I want to be able to go visit them and be the older sister I've always been, but I don't want to have that sadness effect my relationships that should be happy with them.

.. good afternoon Intrigued 🙂 Hehe. 😛

and

1. I'm so sorry about your friend. ODs are difficult as hell to get over when fatal.

2. I'm feeling weird about the openness of my former post. It seems whiny and immature to me. I don't even know anymore. Repressing everything is so much easier.

You're not rambling. The train of thought is fluid.

And I am not trying to deal with him as an addict. He's honestly been doing heroin since around 16. He's killed himself long ago. Cognitively, he's no longer my father. He's young 40s, and I'm saying this nicely - but he's not ever going to change nor would he benefit from any encouragement, because we'd both be wasting our time. I'm now dealing with the leftovers of an addict in my life as well as walking on the tightrope to avoid becoming one (I also used hard drugs for 3 years - which I'm clean of for years now). I also have felt minor long term effects on my perception of reality due to that (perma).

I just miss being a big sister. I'm mourning that most of all.

Posted by DazedScorp

Posted by sheathedclaws
Repressing everything is so much easier.

But being open about your struggles and frustrations, feels so much better... No?

click to expand

Oh gosh no. I miss the control of repression. Emotions are a bitch to deal with 😛

He's not really in the picture. They're all in another state. Even then he's always doing business (somehow he's able to keep his business afloat - he's a good man; just a crappy father) so he's not always there.

Even when I go to send my siblings a message, I feel too sick to actually send it. It's becoming disgustingly pathetic.

I'm hoping to gain the courage to join.

However DS, please note they are states away and cannot join anyway. My little sister is also going on 12 (she's absolutely gorgeous, my beautiful little redhead) so I'd think twice before bringing her along. My brother is a mini me and going through his 'weed' phase - the little punk 😛

And DG that's raw about your sisters husband - it's such a fatal attraction. The addicts seem to never lose that one little reminder of it when clean for long periods of time. That's heartbreaking..

As for your ex husband, I can't imagine how that must feel to hear from somebody so close to you, and to actually admit that.

He's still using. Few years back he had a seizure while driving a large landscaping tool (could have been a cherry picker or wood chipper - this was during his MIA days) and crashed it into the side of somebody's barn. Kept using too.

Heroin, meth, crack - the 3 drugs I'll never ever understand.

After locating my local chapters I've made a decision.

I'm going to a Nar-Anon meeting this Thursday. I'm a little freaked because I'm quite apprehensive about going alone but nevertheless, I have to at some point.

I'm honestly not an open book, despite how it may come across in other threads or comments I've made. I always seem more open than I actually am. That being said, my directness on emotion and hurt in this thread surprised me. Without the honesty and openness of you guys, I would not have been very truthful on how deep this runs to my core.

Seriously - thank you. I haven't let myself feel truth like this in years. 🙂

It's quite alright for the terminology slip - they're organizations that are all for addicts and their families, regardless of the 2 letters.

I am feeling a bit worried on the context of meetings.. this may sound odd, but I feel a bit nervous about going into a church in my local chapter being Jewish. Some people around here are not quite friendly to Judaism. I'll be able to gauge that though, I suppose.

Digital high fives for all. 🙂

Not at all!! My entire family is Protestant - and I'm quite familiar with going into churches, cathedrals, and any form of religious building. I'm comfortable even attending services and the like.

This may be partially a regional thing due to New England's history and culture - but where I'm from anti-Semitism is quite common. It's an everyday sort of thing.

I don't avoid joining groups because of religious themes, settings, or figures. I do try to avoid some encounters where I am unsure of the variables.

I'm not hesitant due to anything of intolerant nature.

Ooh, excuse me. Didn't mean to undermine your understanding of the post.

Quite often I read text at face value and don't pick up on the full context. All it takes is a little poke to wake me up to note the intended depth of tone. Apologies on my social ditziness 😛

Thank you 🙂

Posted by Rockthenerds

Posted by sheathedclaws
Not at all!! My entire family is Protestant - and I'm quite familiar with going into churches, cathedrals, and any form of religious building. I'm comfortable even attending services and the like.

This may be partially a regional thing due to New England's history and culture - but where I'm from anti-Semitism is quite common. It's an everyday sort of thing.

I don't avoid joining groups because of religious themes, settings, or figures. I do try to avoid some encounters where I am unsure of the variables.

I'm not hesitant due to anything of intolerant nature.

click to expand

You're suggesting that I use the power of the Devil to rock them into submission and play Stairway to Heaven with my tongue on a Fender?

Posted by DeadRingerr
NYC has a huge Jewish Community...

I'm asking because I'm in an area where others will harass, judge, speak hateful speech, ostracize, and harm Jewish people.

I wasn't asking due to anybody's background or history. I was asking because I become apprehensive in social situations where my religion may somehow become known. The local chapter is at a church I've been to for family, however, I know many in my community are openly prejudice and physical about it. That is all.

NYC is very diverse and culturally 'awake'. Unfortunately my state is quite the opposite. Like NYC many have settled in little 'culture communities' with local immigrants forming their own downsized scale of 'home'. 'Round here if it isn't strict Catholic or Protestant.. or Atheist.. you're gonna watch your back.

Aw, hypnotoad.

Mitch looks like him.



Such a handsome little one 🙂

Excuse the frog spam. I'm a huge dork where my frogs are concerned. This is just Mitch 🙂 Pepe is 1000x more difficult to photograph, the little fucker..

I'm going to go, as non Jew as possible (idk, that makes no sense at all) and work on changing my attitude and the thoughts/patterns I allow myself to fall back into for lack of caring or effort. This is within my palms and I'm fully responsible for the outcome that I allow myself to reach. Nobody else but me. And I have the potential but now I've got to prove the strength of my character.

Dessert? I'll make it 😛 -snicker-

What is this game that you guys are talking about?!

RTN, quit confusing her, I oughta feed you a knuckle sandwich 😛

There's more than 1, doofus.

Lmao DR, put down the guns - I have absolutely no idea what you're going on about, sheesh 😉

@RTN well, my frog is quite magical so I wasn't sure what you were meaning 😉

Thank you, now that I know 😛 it was a family picture of sorts. I have a few with a frog on another frog on another frog, but now that Chap is gone I don't feel right posting it 😢

On a semi related note, today we had a freaking turkey vulture circling me and my neighbors yards. It was daunting.

RTN, is that you at age 5 at a family party? 😛

You had me tearing up. And still do. 🙂 🙂

My astrologist aunt is a double Virgo with a Pisces Moon. Something about the Earth Sun/Water Moon combination seems to be particularly moving in character.

Psst.. your Aries Moon is showing 😉

Posted by Rockthenerds

Posted by sheathedclaws
RTN, is that you at age 5 at a family party? 😛

Lol what gave it away?

click to expand

The semi green skin, Hulk. 😉

Well my older brother took drugs and alcohol, severly, since 12 and I dont think he has stopped. He has said he stopped the hard stuff but you never believe a junkie or alcoholic when they say that shit coz its empty words and I have heard it and seen most of it before not only felt the silent damage done to both myself and my family. Never knew it when I was growing up but when left home realised it after I had my own kids and sorta stopped myself from trying to help coz it hurt to see them do that to themselves and yeh guess i am going thru it again with a person and brings alot of memories to process from the younger years. Atleast this guy isnt voilent like my bro but still its the same devastating silent destroyer of lives the pervades and leaves wondering wtf? I dont blame myself for his choice in life I just hate the way it leaves them, a shadow of there former selves. Been there but never lived with one so its a different view of it, I had a bro who was maybe still is but never actually lived with him, wouldnt put up with it and told him so, but i have seen the destruction it caused him and my family. I hate what it has done to my family and theres nothing I can do about it either still today i can not help my bro or this person i am living with nor do I want to anymore. I am over that part of my life I guess. Why i ever had to be in this position I will never know but hey guess these things are meant to test you.

Posted by Capriquoise
I just hate the way it leaves them, a shadow of there former selves.

This has been one of the hardest things for me, as well. So much potential wasted - and never to become the same again.

Last time I saw my father, he told me that my younger sister (the only innocence I have in this world) was conceived while him and my stepmother were strung out on X. Who the hell says that at dinner after not seeing you for 5 years in the middle of a restaurant.. while meeting your oldest daughter's fiance for the first time?!

That's when the brain damage became clear to me. Real subtlety with lack of appropriate filters with conversation. He's become obsessed with 'demons in the clouds' and in December he wants me to go down to TN because 'when the floods come Rhode Island will become the ocean - we're far above sea level and I want you safe'.

...Yeah. If I think of anything related to conspiracy theories or the end of the world, I get a weird rock in my stomach because he's SO damn serious about it. And I don't want to laugh in his face because he's a great man, but geesh.

Hum not sure if this counts as an addiction but the Scorpio that is in and out of my life is addicted to video games and terribly so. I don't think he sleeps for more than 2 or 3 hours a night. Stays up all night on it until about 6AM, then goes to school (college) at 9AM.

Posted by Rockthenerds

Posted by Xin
Hum not sure if this counts as an addiction but the Scorpio that is in and out of my life is addicted to video games and terribly so. I don't think he sleeps for more than 2 or 3 hours a night. Stays up all night on it until about 6AM, then goes to school (college) at 9AM.

winning

click to expand

Im serious. Its a huge problem. And it's not just any game its an MMO so you know how that is there is no end to it. That's why it's so addicting.

Posted by Xin
Hum not sure if this counts as an addiction but the Scorpio that is in and out of my life is addicted to video games and terribly so. I don't think he sleeps for more than 2 or 3 hours a night. Stays up all night on it until about 6AM, then goes to school (college) at 9AM.

I'd say that definitely counts as an unhealthy addiction. There's a great group for addicted gamers: http://www.olganon.org/. They have partner sources for the games that apply, I'm sure.

Gaming addiction is scary, from what I've heard. It's so socially acceptable and easily accessible in these times..

I was dumped once because the guy thought I was cutting into his WoW time. He was a Cancer.. and probably still a virgin. It sounds silly in hindsight but he literally has ruined his chances to actually live LIFE.

Posted by Xin

Posted by Rockthenerds

Posted by Xin
Hum not sure if this counts as an addiction but the Scorpio that is in and out of my life is addicted to video games and terribly so. I don't think he sleeps for more than 2 or 3 hours a night. Stays up all night on it until about 6AM, then goes to school (college) at 9AM.

winning

Im serious. Its a huge problem. And it's not just any game its an MMO so you know how that is there is no end to it. That's why it's so addicting.

click to expand

omg yes MMOs are the worst :/

http://www.olganon.org/?q=what_games_are_addictive<BR>
I hope you look at this resource for yourself. If you need to talk, I'm always here to msg.

Yeah it's just like well not a problem with his school work I guess I don't k now what kind of grades he gets but I'm hoping for his sake it's not that bad. Anyways yes it's WoW. I have no idea what is going on lately with guys and that game. Honestly I won't lie I play it once in a while but nothing like this. I think he spends about. 105+ hours a week on it. No joke. Everyday he's on from 4PM to about 6AM. Give or take a day or so depending.

That's the amount of sleep that I typically have - however nobody can function healthy like that. I see a sleep specialist for lifelong idiopathic insomnia.


It's basically sleep deprivation and you're more prone to weakened immune system, bad judgment and reaction skills, and death of brain cells. Ticking time bomb, literally.

Posted by Rockthenerds
I'm kind of jealous of those guys, I don't understand it. They're usually really smart and do that shit all day. I don't play video games whatsoever and I'm dumb as fuck, its not fair 😢.

Maybe it's the booze at 5? 😛

Posted by sheathedclaws

... but I feel a bit nervous about going into a church in my local chapter being Jewish.

Posted by sheathedclaws

My entire family is Protestant - and I'm quite familiar with going into churches, cathedrals, and any form of religious building. I'm comfortable even attending services and the like.

click to expand

Because that is all he does. Nothing else. School/video games. Zero else. He has no social life cause of it. Eh whatever it's not really my problem but I am aware of it, so I won't be really investing much into it. Not really wanting a guy that chooses a video game over spending time with a female. I read some stories about how men actually walked out on pregnant wives for the video game. Im like really? REALLY? Geeze.

I don't blame you. I'm glad you're aware of it and would rather not get involved. Smarty pants 😛

Yeah but it kinda sucks that a guy/girl could choose a video game over you. That's kinda like saying back in the day "Oh yeah I left my girlfriend/boyfriend because Atari was being released..." Okay? Same thing. It's like here we are years later and people are still doing dumb stuff. Then on top of that half of these MMO's will be out of date in several years. I think it would be hard to look back and be like "Cant believe I broke up with this person for a game."

That is so lame though. Ugh! Hooking up with a cosplay chick? Have you even seen half of them? Ew. No offense. Anyways but it's just alarming to see all the unemployed people on WoW. I swear its just a bunch of college kids, husbands/wives not working or contributing, and well huge ass losers. I started playing to spend time with an ex that never paid attention to me. I broke up with him in the end anyways but that was long ago. Im starting to think I should ask people before I go on a date with them if they play any video games or MMO.

Posted by DeadRingerr

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by sheathedclaws

... but I feel a bit nervous about going into a church in my local chapter being Jewish.

Posted by sheathedclaws

My entire family is Protestant - and I'm quite familiar with going into churches, cathedrals, and any form of religious building. I'm comfortable even attending services and the like.

Don't bother, just another stupid thread making fun of a very serious subject.

click to expand

Ey, ey - I don't see anyone necessarily making fun of it. Maybe derailing it and not being very polite in something that is an everyday struggle for me at the moment in life, but I don't see any harassing in an intentional form.

To update on what I've decided..

My fiance's mother is actually a recovering alcoholic (or recovered - I don't think that's actually a term, right? It's a forever thing that you must abstain from - correct? Please let me know if I'm wrong).

She stopped drinking after she conceived my fiance. He's been a great influence for her, and she is sober for herself - but that was 'triggered' (in a sense) with him.

Her and I have become close. She's a Cancer and I believe she must have some Fire and Earth in there too - she's very passionate yet grounded in some senses (we're very alike). I've been bringing her and a coworker of hers home from work for a few days now since her car is in the shop for a bit.

My own mother has already dealt with my fathers addiction and has gotten through it. I was too young at the time to go through it with her (newborn-3). She's a Capricorn and isn't fond of going back to emotional milestones she has already overcome - a couple years ago she told me she's not going with me to any Nar-Anon meetings with me (I had been considering it then).

Sooo I'm planning to ask my mother in law to accompany me to the first meeting, if she would feel comfortable and willing to attend. After that, if she would be comfortable attending - I'd love to have her with me.

She's known me since I was 7 🙂 She was the 'parent helper' at elementary school for my fiance and I's 2nd grade class. She likes to tell me actually about what a 'Leo child

* continued even though it's a little bit

She likes to tell me actually about what a 'Leo child' I was. 😛

I'm going to be asking her within a couple hours 🙂 I hope it goes well.

You may have chosen to practice Judism, but, if your entire family is Prodestant .. then you are not Jewish.


I suppose to have chosen to glance over that lie, as if it doesn't exist.

It's not the first time I've picked up on one of your deceptions.


Just because I don't point it out for the rest of the oblivious ones ... doesn't mean I am fooled by you.

* Judaism

You remind me a lot of DeludedScorp ... wherein you flutter around in fantasy most of the time.

Posted by Rockthenerds

Posted by DeadRingerr

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by sheathedclaws

... but I feel a bit nervous about going into a church in my local chapter being Jewish.

Posted by sheathedclaws

My entire family is Protestant - and I'm quite familiar with going into churches, cathedrals, and any form of religious building. I'm comfortable even attending services and the like.

Don't bother, just another stupid thread making fun of a very serious subject.

click to expand

RUDE. LOL!

From what I have observed in life ... those kids who mock thier parents, become just like them.


The addictive gene is hereidatry ... by the way you talk, you sound as if you might think you are above an addict, eventhough most of what you post in here is delusional. So, you should probably be careful about this blind spot you have about yourself.

Posted by P-Angel
It's not the first time I've picked up on one of your deceptions.


Just because I don't point it out for the rest of the oblivious ones ... doesn't mean I am fooled by you.

I don't see how my choice of religion classifies as being deceptive. I've stated before that I'm not ethnically Jewish, and I'm currently studying to convert as a recognized member of Jewish faith since I was not born into a Jewish household. It's usually a longer process for those who have not grown up within a Jewish home.

I say Jewish because it's honestly easier to just say that rather than explain such an extended 'disclaimer'. I've been converting for some time now since I'm still in school and studying other things - it's a life style and an inner change as well. I've had some issues around my area with conversion and yes - I'm guarded on it, but I'm not deceptive.

There's really no point in lying about faith. On such a sensitive topic, I don't see how it would be benefit to lie - especially when there aren't any gains from it. I'm fine with you feeling I'm deceptive - but I don't see how or why I would be..

Posted by Rockthenerds
@xin DR has contributed absolutely nothing to this thread but bs and butthurt. I tried to be nice, but that was needed.

@sheathed
About the seriousness of the addictions here though, I honestly understand where you're coming from. Personally, it's just my belief that we choose our struggles and hardships, placing that responsibility on any one or anything else is just another form of denial. I just don't believe in it.

She has contributed. Don't undermine that. I appreciate her posts here. If she hasn't contributed to YOU - sure.. but she sure as hell has helped personally with the true nature that this thread originated from.