One LINERS.....

I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to
play with.

A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I
went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to
the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came
home early".

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.
I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father,
"I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd
get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in
the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said... "I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in
the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4
times - 3 of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. My uncle's
dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

The church organist

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something
had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".

Love it!

This is really cute, someone sent it to me.

I am glad I have an actual office.
LOL

?My Cubicle?
Lyrics by: Morning Sidekick
Performed by: Jym Britton
Parody on ?You?re Beautiful? by James Blunt

My job is stupid my day?s a bore,
Inside this office from eight to four
Nothin? ever happens my life is pretty bland,
Pretending that I?m working, pray I don?t get canned.

My Cubicle, My cubicle
It?s One of Sixty two
It?s my small space in a crowded place
Just a six-by-six foot booth
And I hate it that?s the truth

When I give a sigh as the boss walks by,
no one ever talks to me or looks me in the eye.
And I really should work but instead I just sit here and surf the Internet.

In My Cubicle, My cubicle
It doesn?t have a view.
It?s my small space in a crowded place
I sit in solitude.
And sometimes I sit here nude.