sunnycap
@sunnycap
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 138 · Topics: 4
Cont. thread for seadream's question for Virgals (Page 5)
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Miss V, I followed your advice and sent him a short message saying I was really happy to hear that he was back safe and sound. The following evening I accidentally bumped into him in town. My heart was racing and I was so nervous. Again, I couldn't really read him. He seems quite awkward, couldn't look me in the eye for very long at the time, and seems almost uninterested, sort of a matter of fact. We chatted for a little while, then he said he had to go to the pub we were standing outside. He had come from a place that I was on my way to. I told him this, then we parted.
I walked down the road talking to a friend on my mobile, I turn around and see him coming down the street again. I went into a pub and had a drink. I moved on to go to where I told him I was going to, and before I get there, he's coming back towards me from that place again. He said there were no-one he knew there, so I suggested we go to another place to have a pint. Again, he didn't look me in the eye for very long. Kept looking up the street etc. I think he was probably looking for someone. That's why he kept walking up and down through town to these two places.
Anyway, he agreed to come along, so we walked slowly chatting away. I just kept getting a feeling that he was a bit uninterested, a bit awkward. I don't know.....
I walked down the road talking to a friend on my mobile, I turn around and see him coming down the street again. I went into a pub and had a drink. I moved on to go to where I told him I was going to, and before I get there, he's coming back towards me from that place again. He said there were no-one he knew there, so I suggested we go to another place to have a pint. Again, he didn't look me in the eye for very long. Kept looking up the street etc. I think he was probably looking for someone. That's why he kept walking up and down through town to these two places.
Anyway, he agreed to come along, so we walked slowly chatting away. I just kept getting a feeling that he was a bit uninterested, a bit awkward. I don't know.....
...continued....
Anyway, he suggested that I bought the first round. We have always bought each other drinks, apart from the last time he was at home. So I was really glad that we could again do this. So for the next 2 hours we bought each other drinks and chatting about everything.
We were laughing, bickering, discussing things... and he got quite frustrated with me a couple times because I disagreed with a few things, challenging things. He showed me his new iPhone, opened google live and showed me where his father and grandmother lives, showing a photo of the actual houses they live in. He held the phone so that I had to practically stand on top of him, touching him, our fingers touching on the screen. His scent makes me go week at the knees!
The problem I have when I see him for the first time when he's back is that I get drunk. I don't understand it. I really didn't drink very much, I drank slowly and I had a non-alcoholic drink in between. When I first bumped into him, I hadn't even drunk any alcohol yet, but I felt absolutely intoxicated just seeing him again. It's so strange!!
When I get drunk, he gets a bit annoyed and pulls away. This has happened every time he's back. We also seem to bicker and/or argue when we first see each other again. It's like some sort of frustration. Don't know if that's good of bad. But I have such deep feelings for him that I feel frustrated that I can't just touch him and hug him, kiss him and hold around him!
Not sure if it's the same for him. Probably not...
Anyway, he suggested that I bought the first round. We have always bought each other drinks, apart from the last time he was at home. So I was really glad that we could again do this. So for the next 2 hours we bought each other drinks and chatting about everything.
We were laughing, bickering, discussing things... and he got quite frustrated with me a couple times because I disagreed with a few things, challenging things. He showed me his new iPhone, opened google live and showed me where his father and grandmother lives, showing a photo of the actual houses they live in. He held the phone so that I had to practically stand on top of him, touching him, our fingers touching on the screen. His scent makes me go week at the knees!
The problem I have when I see him for the first time when he's back is that I get drunk. I don't understand it. I really didn't drink very much, I drank slowly and I had a non-alcoholic drink in between. When I first bumped into him, I hadn't even drunk any alcohol yet, but I felt absolutely intoxicated just seeing him again. It's so strange!!
When I get drunk, he gets a bit annoyed and pulls away. This has happened every time he's back. We also seem to bicker and/or argue when we first see each other again. It's like some sort of frustration. Don't know if that's good of bad. But I have such deep feelings for him that I feel frustrated that I can't just touch him and hug him, kiss him and hold around him!
Not sure if it's the same for him. Probably not...
Anyway, I got tipsy, he pulls away slightly and starts looking at another girl in the bar (whom I think he knows). He stills stands with me, I'm quite exited about something, and he actually tells me to calm down! The cheek of it! He can't really tell me what to do.... but I didn't mind, I though it was quite sweet in a strange sort of way. Almost like he told me off! 🙂
Outside the pub, there were quite a few people, including this other girl and her friends. I could see him looking at her, and I asked him if he was waiting for her. He didn't confirm or deny it. I then said to him that I needed to talk to him for a few minutes. He didn't want to, didn't say yes or no, just pulled up the side of his lip. I then just left it, went to phone a friend of mine up. The other girl was dancing around him, kissing his arms. He looked quickly over at me, but clearly liked the attention from her.
I went back to the group. There was talk of an after party. He went with this girl, her friends and one or two others. I decided to just stay back and go home. Did not want to see him with another girl again. He turned around, but I think it was to look at the girls in the group. Not sure.
That was 3 days ago. I really don't know what to think of this. Is it all over, I wonder?
Outside the pub, there were quite a few people, including this other girl and her friends. I could see him looking at her, and I asked him if he was waiting for her. He didn't confirm or deny it. I then said to him that I needed to talk to him for a few minutes. He didn't want to, didn't say yes or no, just pulled up the side of his lip. I then just left it, went to phone a friend of mine up. The other girl was dancing around him, kissing his arms. He looked quickly over at me, but clearly liked the attention from her.
I went back to the group. There was talk of an after party. He went with this girl, her friends and one or two others. I decided to just stay back and go home. Did not want to see him with another girl again. He turned around, but I think it was to look at the girls in the group. Not sure.
That was 3 days ago. I really don't know what to think of this. Is it all over, I wonder?
Hey SC,
Thanks for the update, and I think that you just might be right in your thought that he was acting nervous/akward because he knew that he was going to be meeting someone else (hence the reason he didn't deny or confirm the girl at the pub who was then dancing around him when they got inside.)
I know it hurts you to see him with other women but keep in mind that he's pretty much been this way since he's broken up with his ex, and has said to you (as you did to him) that he was not looking for anything serious. I believe we've already discussed the possibility that he was merely mirroring your words (and please forgive me if you weren't the one to say it first...somedays I subscribe to the CRS Club!), but it's equally possible that he actually meant it and wasn't just going off of what you said, or just saying it to determine whether or not the two of you could take the relationship to the next level by your reaction/response.
From what I can tell, the two of you really seem to enjoy one another's company, and aside from sex, talking, joking, and laughing is something that suits the two of you well.
So here you are with all of these strong feelings (did you say love?) for this man and at this point you don't know exactly what to do based on the relationship history, the current state of the relationship, and the other women, etc. This is where you have to decide for yourself if you want to continue "seeing" him this way. At the pub, amidst the company of some of his other female interests/sex buddies.
What do you feel like you want to do?
You can certainly wait it out, and see what comes of it, or you can always walk away. The choice is yours. Again, this goes back to what we dicussed early on in this thread about your decision being based on whatever you feel you can handle.
Any new updates? Did you see him again after that night? Has he gone home?
Thanks for the update, and I think that you just might be right in your thought that he was acting nervous/akward because he knew that he was going to be meeting someone else (hence the reason he didn't deny or confirm the girl at the pub who was then dancing around him when they got inside.)
I know it hurts you to see him with other women but keep in mind that he's pretty much been this way since he's broken up with his ex, and has said to you (as you did to him) that he was not looking for anything serious. I believe we've already discussed the possibility that he was merely mirroring your words (and please forgive me if you weren't the one to say it first...somedays I subscribe to the CRS Club!), but it's equally possible that he actually meant it and wasn't just going off of what you said, or just saying it to determine whether or not the two of you could take the relationship to the next level by your reaction/response.
From what I can tell, the two of you really seem to enjoy one another's company, and aside from sex, talking, joking, and laughing is something that suits the two of you well.
So here you are with all of these strong feelings (did you say love?) for this man and at this point you don't know exactly what to do based on the relationship history, the current state of the relationship, and the other women, etc. This is where you have to decide for yourself if you want to continue "seeing" him this way. At the pub, amidst the company of some of his other female interests/sex buddies.
What do you feel like you want to do?
You can certainly wait it out, and see what comes of it, or you can always walk away. The choice is yours. Again, this goes back to what we dicussed early on in this thread about your decision being based on whatever you feel you can handle.
Any new updates? Did you see him again after that night? Has he gone home?
Posted by preciousvirgin
in your case, just act natural as a friend that cares so much for him , let him know and make him feel that you are sincere and honest... we'd rather give you some action advice than words...action is what you need...
Exactly, PV.
Just be natural (which you were this time around) and regardless of how this should turn out in the end, at least you can feel good about yourself and the fact that you were sincere.
Posted by MissV123
Just make sure you give him some room to respond, especially as he is just getting acquainted back with everything. And remember, sometimes, we take some time to respond, but it doesn't mean we aren't thinking about you, we are just scared to get a bit too close and need some time to evaluate things BUT the good things is that IF we do write back again that means we have thought about it and want to stay in touch too. We are not the impulsive type when it comes to communication, so although we can be a pain in the butt because of it, it is also a good thing as far as knowing that we mean that.
Good point, Miss V.
evaluation is very important to us. He's having fun with alot of girls right now but I'm pretty sure that he's sorting himself out (thoughts and what he wants for the future) and possibly still working through the heartbreak.
^^^With that said, you still have to take care of you. He can be a wounded bird but don't allow that to cloud your good senses. Even with the mistakes in the past, you are still worthy and deserving of decency, respect, and a man who is willing to give himself to you completely. Even if he is working through something doesn't mean it gives him license to treat you like shit (and haven't seen really any evidence of that, but just putting it out there.) 🙂
Sunnycap,
Thank you for the update. Here are my thoughts about it:
1. He still feels attracted to you.
2. He does like you and being around you.
3. He is not ready to commit to you or to anybody right now...since at this point he doesn't see the needs to.
That doesn't mean that he won't be ready and that it won't be you. You just need to be realistic about where he is at and either choose to remain in his life as a friend while enduring the idea of other people on the way or you can cut things off for a little while first and see how things go...how he reacts and most importantly how you can take care of yourself in relation to this during that time.
The choice at this time is yours. His actions speak for themselves, and he is doing what suits him well. What would suit you well at this point? We can't always have it all...but we have the freedom to make choices... You have such special things to give and share, so no rush take some time to think about all this and let us know. We will be here for you either way! 🙂
I hope you are having a good week and that this message finds you well.
MissV
Thank you for the update. Here are my thoughts about it:
1. He still feels attracted to you.
2. He does like you and being around you.
3. He is not ready to commit to you or to anybody right now...since at this point he doesn't see the needs to.
That doesn't mean that he won't be ready and that it won't be you. You just need to be realistic about where he is at and either choose to remain in his life as a friend while enduring the idea of other people on the way or you can cut things off for a little while first and see how things go...how he reacts and most importantly how you can take care of yourself in relation to this during that time.
The choice at this time is yours. His actions speak for themselves, and he is doing what suits him well. What would suit you well at this point? We can't always have it all...but we have the freedom to make choices... You have such special things to give and share, so no rush take some time to think about all this and let us know. We will be here for you either way! 🙂
I hope you are having a good week and that this message finds you well.
MissV
Posted by MissV123Posted by VirgoVixxxen
MissV - you're another one of my fav's too!
Really, really nice to have you back. It's always a pleasure to hear about what's going on with you, and I can tell that you are always genuinely interested in knowing what the rest of us virgals are up too. Thanks for being so loyal and alwyas offering such great advice.
LOL - and a big shout out to my girls CLC, VulcanLass, LIMM, CancerMoon, Layna Lane, and AngelicVirgo! Tee hee hee hee
Hello VV!
Look at you being so popular here, giving shout outs and everything!
How was your real state class?? Was it useful? Did you learn new things?
I decided to come here to vent a little friend. I am fortunate to have one really cool friend here, but I don't want to share everything in one place you know? She is a cool aqua girl. You might recall on my appreciation for some aquas haha Well, she is one of the cool ones really, loyal and caring. My best friends here are two aqua girls and one virgo girl right now gotta love those virgo ladies!! share the burden, you know??
Anyway, I am really struggling with staying in the relationship with the Taurus VV. He is still so sweet and I can trust him, yes, which is so important, but I am missing that mental connection so much.
I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it too, I think, because his family REALLY loves me and always try to make plans with us and I can actually have great conversations with his parents...just not him. He also has some relatives visiting soon that he wants me to meet...ahhhhh...as you can image, it makes it all so much harder and overwhelming inside...
(to be continued)click to expand
Posted by VirgoVixxxen
MissV!
How was the course? How was the Bull?
The homeowner class was great. The realtor couldn't stress enough that if there ever was a time to buy a home, it's now. She's also really big on the "two family" homes. I have to attend the second and final class this upcoming Saturday.
I think it's great that you're being so patient, and at least trying to see what could come of this. When you say he includes you in "bigger plans" could you elaborate? Have you met his family yet?
(continued)
Miss V, this is the response to the homeowner course/my traveling that I put in your "What do we need?" thread a few days back. Just copied and pasted here.
Posted by VirgoVixxxen
MissV!
I understand your apprehension because so far the mental connection isn't fully there.
Love life— I have to take a course first...LOL! I'll let you know how it goes!
Yes, I went to Prague this past Christmas. With family. What a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, city. The architecture. The colors. The history. My gosh I wish I could go there all of the time. If I can't make it there again this Christmas (yes I would go every Christmas if I could...it's 10x's prettier!) then I'm def. there next Summer.
TTYL!
Miss V, this is the response to the homeowner course/my traveling that I put in your "What do we need?" thread a few days back. Just copied and pasted here.
Posted by VirgoVixxxen
Hey SC,
Thanks for the update, and I think that you just might be right in your thought that he was acting nervous/akward because he knew that he was going to be meeting someone else (hence the reason he didn't deny or confirm the girl at the pub who was then dancing around him when they got inside.)
Hi VV! Thank you so much for your reply! I think you're right. However, he did stand with me most of the evening and even waited for me and walked out with me when the pub closed. The problem is that I got quite tipsy, and every time I've been like that in the past, he pulls away from me, especially if it's the first time we see each other when he's back. He said he didn't really know her, but I think he knew she was going to be out that night, and wanted to go along to see her. Which is why he was a bit nervous when he saw me.
I know it hurts you to see him with other women but keep in mind that he's pretty much been this way since he's broken up with his ex, and has said to you (as you did to him) that he was not looking for anything serious. I believe we've already discussed the possibility that he was merely mirroring your words (and please forgive me if you weren't the one to say it first...somedays I subscribe to the CRS Club!), but it's equally possible that he actually meant it and wasn't just going off of what you said, or just saying it to determine whether or not the two of you could take the relationship to the next level by your reaction/response.click to expand
Yes, I was the first one to say it to him, a week after we had slept together the first time a year ago. When I told him, I could not read him. He had such a pained look on his face. I thought he was either angry, annoyed or sad. I couldn't tell. He kept looking at the floor, looked up at me with this pained expression on his face, looking down at the floor again, and so it went for a couple of minutes. It looked painful. He said nothing while he did it. I wish I had been brave enough to ask him what he was thinking, but I wasn't and didn't unfortunately.
From what I can tell, the two of you really seem to enjoy one another's company, and aside from sex, talking, joking, and laughing is something that suits the two of you well.
So here you are with all of these strong feelings (did you say love?) for this man and at this point you don't know
Posted by VirgoVixxxen
Hey SC,
From what I can tell, the two of you really seem to enjoy one another's company, and aside from sex, talking, joking, and laughing is something that suits the two of you well.
So here you are with all of these strong feelings (did you say love?) for this man and at this point you don't know exactly what to do based on the relationship history, the current state of the relationship, and the other women, etc. This is where you have to decide for yourself if you want to continue "seeing" him this way. At the pub, amidst the company of some of his other female interests/sex buddies.
What do you feel like you want to do?
You can certainly wait it out, and see what comes of it, or you can always walk away. The choice is yours. Again, this goes back to what we dicussed early on in this thread about your decision being based on whatever you feel you can handle.
Any new updates? Did you see him again after that night? Has he gone home?
I think I would have to call it love. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before in my life! All I want to do is be around him (not all the time because I need my space, too), but just knowing I could see him and spend time with him would make me so incredibly happy! That's why it's so painful to see him with other women. And, unfortunately, we don't have sex anymore either, because the last time he was at home, he pulled away from me.
He's still here and I did see him in his car today. Did not speak to him, though, as we were both driving. I will tell you more about it in a bit...
Posted by MissV123
Sunnycap,
Thank you for the update. Here are my thoughts about it:
1. He still feels attracted to you.
2. He does like you and being around you.
3. He is not ready to commit to you or to anybody right now...since at this point he doesn't see the needs to.
That doesn't mean that he won't be ready and that it won't be you. You just need to be realistic about where he is at and either choose to remain in his life as a friend while enduring the idea of other people on the way or you can cut things off for a little while first and see how things go...how he reacts and most importantly how you can take care of yourself in relation to this during that time.
The choice at this time is yours. His actions speak for themselves, and he is doing what suits him well. What would suit you well at this point? We can't always have it all...but we have the freedom to make choices... You have such special things to give and share, so no rush take some time to think about all this and let us know. We will be here for you either way! 🙂
I hope you are having a good week and that this message finds you well.
MissV
Hi MissV. Thank you so much for your thoughts, too! I hope you're right and that he still feel attracted to me and likes being around me! The thing is, that every time we see each other for the first time when he's back, we start bickering or arguing. This time, we bickered and he critisized me and told me off slightly. It always feels like there's a lot of tension between us, some sort of frustration or something the first time we see each other again. It's very strong and real, and I'm not sure if that's good or not. The last time this happened between us, one woman who knows him quite well and who's studied a lot of psychology said "What's going on? I've studied a lot of psychology, and there's a lot of feelings here!" She said it twice. I wish I'd asked her what feelings and from whom...
Posted by MissV123
Sunnycap,
The choice at this time is yours. His actions speak for themselves, and he is doing what suits him well. What would suit you well at this point? We can't always have it all...but we have the freedom to make choices...
I know, he's doing what he wants, spending time with whomever he wants to. What I don't understand is that I've also said to him that I don't want anything heavy, just some fun, and he still pulls away from me. He can have fund with many others, but not with me, even though we've had such a strong mental connection when we've slept together. At times it felt like I could read his mind. He did not have to say anything, I could just feel it. And now he pulls away. It breaks my heart!
We will be here for you either way! 🙂click to expand
You're so sweet! Thank you! It is so good to know I can come here and chat to you great girls. It really makes things a bit easier and I'm really grateful!
Since he's been back, he's not been very active on FB, until the day after we met last Wednesday. The day after, he announced where he was on FB via his iPhone. He was near his dad's place for a public bonfire (he showed me where his dad lives the previous night on Google maps). Another day later, he again said which pub he was at. I did not go to either of these places, because it would just seem like I was following him.
Then on Saturday, I became friends on FB with the guy he saw me laughing and chatting to the last time we saw each other before he went back to work 10 weeks ago. When I chatted to this guy 10 weeks ago, Virguy was standing with the other woman as it was her birthday. I said hello to him, but stayed well away. He kept looking at me that night, and when he saw that I was laughing and chatting to this other guy, Virguy became very serious and thoughtful, and subsequently left the bar and the other woman behind. She was distraught at this. I saw Virguy at another bar 30 minutes later, but just ignored him. We both stayed to the very end but did not speak to each other. He stood behind me at one point ordering a drink, but I did not turn around to talk to him. It was very busy in the pub that night, and I was a bit tired of what had happened with other women, him pulling away etc, so I did not try and talk to him.
I also just walked past him on my way out when he talked to a couple of guys without looking at him. I think I needed to protect myself, so said nothing. I then walked past him in the street and again did not look at him. That was the last time we saw each other until 6 days ago.
Anyway, the guy I had chatted and laughed with that night became a friend of mine on FB on Saturday. That day, Virguy suddenly became active on FB. He clicked he liked a status by the other woman suddenly, he made a comment about f*****g on the status of a mutual male friends of ours (and his comment was not relevant to our friend's status), he then updated his own status with "... turn back the hands on the clock.", and then announced that he was at home an hour later. Neither of us has written or done anything on FB since then.
It probably means nothing, but it seemed a little strange somehow...
Then on Saturday, I became friends on FB with the guy he saw me laughing and chatting to the last time we saw each other before he went back to work 10 weeks ago. When I chatted to this guy 10 weeks ago, Virguy was standing with the other woman as it was her birthday. I said hello to him, but stayed well away. He kept looking at me that night, and when he saw that I was laughing and chatting to this other guy, Virguy became very serious and thoughtful, and subsequently left the bar and the other woman behind. She was distraught at this. I saw Virguy at another bar 30 minutes later, but just ignored him. We both stayed to the very end but did not speak to each other. He stood behind me at one point ordering a drink, but I did not turn around to talk to him. It was very busy in the pub that night, and I was a bit tired of what had happened with other women, him pulling away etc, so I did not try and talk to him.
I also just walked past him on my way out when he talked to a couple of guys without looking at him. I think I needed to protect myself, so said nothing. I then walked past him in the street and again did not look at him. That was the last time we saw each other until 6 days ago.
Anyway, the guy I had chatted and laughed with that night became a friend of mine on FB on Saturday. That day, Virguy suddenly became active on FB. He clicked he liked a status by the other woman suddenly, he made a comment about f*****g on the status of a mutual male friends of ours (and his comment was not relevant to our friend's status), he then updated his own status with "... turn back the hands on the clock.", and then announced that he was at home an hour later. Neither of us has written or done anything on FB since then.
It probably means nothing, but it seemed a little strange somehow...
Th strangest thing happened today. I was shopping with my mum when I suddenly had a feeling that I would see him. I looked around and had a strong sense that I would see him drive past. I even straightened my hair out lol! Anyway, I dismissed it and put it down to imagination. Went to the car to drive home.
2 minutes later, we're both standing facing each other at a junction. It took me a little while to recognize his car as I was busy chatting to my mum, but when I did and looked at the driver, I think he was looking at me. It still took a few seconds before I realised it was actually him (bright sun and shades on), and then he turned to drive down the road.
So again, I was almost told that he was near by (just as I have been able to predict with one minute accuracy when he would write something on FB)!
It's almost freaky, and I certainly have never experienced anything like this before. Perhaps it's because I've tuned myself into him so much that I'm picking up on some sort of energy from him?
2 minutes later, we're both standing facing each other at a junction. It took me a little while to recognize his car as I was busy chatting to my mum, but when I did and looked at the driver, I think he was looking at me. It still took a few seconds before I realised it was actually him (bright sun and shades on), and then he turned to drive down the road.
So again, I was almost told that he was near by (just as I have been able to predict with one minute accuracy when he would write something on FB)!
It's almost freaky, and I certainly have never experienced anything like this before. Perhaps it's because I've tuned myself into him so much that I'm picking up on some sort of energy from him?
Sorry to be posting like crazy.... I have a lot on my mind and it's so nice to be able to come here and vent it 🙂
I chatted to a guy the other evening. Now, this is a guy who's lived a bit, seen a lot and experienced things. For some reason, he told me his life story, and I told him my love story. It's was an unusual evening, to say the least.
Anyway, I told him what I've said to the Virguy about not wanting anything serious, just wanting fun and games from the start. The guy I spoke to basically told me that if any woman had told him that, he would never go to her and let her know that he had any feelings for her, in fear of being rejected and have his male pride hurt.
Now this is a guy who's not shy in the least. So if he's saying that, how would it be for a shy and introverted virgo man who can't open up easily (with triple earth in his chart to boot!)?
I chatted to a guy the other evening. Now, this is a guy who's lived a bit, seen a lot and experienced things. For some reason, he told me his life story, and I told him my love story. It's was an unusual evening, to say the least.
Anyway, I told him what I've said to the Virguy about not wanting anything serious, just wanting fun and games from the start. The guy I spoke to basically told me that if any woman had told him that, he would never go to her and let her know that he had any feelings for her, in fear of being rejected and have his male pride hurt.
Now this is a guy who's not shy in the least. So if he's saying that, how would it be for a shy and introverted virgo man who can't open up easily (with triple earth in his chart to boot!)?
Posted by preciousvirgin
SC, Make sure this guy is a really nice 1 and trusted to spilled all your desperation... because, sometimes, when we are in need of someone who can listen of our problems, we never realized the intention of others with us and take advantage of our weaknesses, some people can get you away from what you really feel and turns in into what they want...specially it becomes to our emotions... Is he given you some advice what to do with your virgo guy?
I am sorry to heard that you've been hurt by seeing him with other woman...But if he doesn't feel anything from you he should have told you that he cannot join you that night because he already engaged his time with some1, but he let you stayed in that bar...
Hi PV... Nice to hear from you again! 🙂
The guy I spoke to has shown that he likes me a bit. He's married with quite a few kids, so I don't think it goes much beyond just liking me. So I think he really just wanted to give advice about what he thought I should do about the whole thing. Like we have discussed here, he thought I should tell Virguy how I really feel. He suggested not to rush it, but to say it when the opportunity was right. He told me what he thought from a male point of view, which was interesting.
The guy I spoke to also thought that what I've said to the Virguy about not wanting anything serious and then ignoring him and hugging and chatting to other guys after we'd spent a whole night together, was a bit cold and not very nice. He said it would make him think I was just after sex and nothing more.
The guy I spoke to then said that if he had feelings for me and I behaved like that, he would pull away because of fear of getting too close and developing stronger feelings for me, which then could end up getting hurt. He said that it sounds like the Virguy can take and leave the others, and he thought it strange that the Virguy should pull away from me unless there was something going on that would cause him to do this.
I don't know if this is the case or not, and it's only one guys point of view, but it was interesting hearing it though...
VV,
Thank you for bringing back your responses and for taking the time to find them. I had missed them, probably because my laptop isn't working right now so I have mostly used my phone lately :p hence my shorter responses!
Anyway, so you went to Prague and might go again? I bet is beautiful. How were the people over there? And as far as buying houses...yes, I am having thoughts about certain similar house-related things (can't talk details), but I definitely would check things out, just keep in mind location...I found that to be very important in those kind of deals.
Finally, the whole thing with my boyfriend...man, it's tough friend. Not tough in the sense that I its tough for me to let go of this, but more in the sense of 'not desiring to hurt him'; however, I keep on getting confirmation that this isn't it for me.
You brought up a good question I've pondered for a while and that brings one of the biggest concerns... All the members in his family are on the intellectual side and he has had opportunities to develop that side in him, but for some reason he just isn't able to communicate with the flow I do or put his thoughts together clearly, sometimes he doesn't even understand the questions I ask...which make our conversations sometimes...a bit frustrating for me, as you can imaging. If you knew me in person you would understand why...
On top of that, his lack of desire to gain any knowledge about anything or have any passion for any subjects its killing me. He repeats the same basic stories again and again, simple stories that he values and that I do respect, but that bring nothing new in my life or his. I just...don't want to be on the teacher role with someone I date constantly, it just blocks my own growth and it makes the attraction I had for him fade away - makes sense? I know not all girls need all that, but I do. I don't mean to, it just the way I am wired, I think.
As far as his parents, and actually close family, they all love me, VV. That along with my desire to not hurt him, make things very difficult right now. Do you know how hard will be to tell him that this can't be, considering how much his family loves me and how much he feels for me? =| He tells me daily how he feels, it has been actually growing for him, whereas it has gone the opposite direction over here...of course I'd never say anything hurtful like that to him, but even with the most considerate words I could use, I know it will still hurt him (continued bel
Thank you for bringing back your responses and for taking the time to find them. I had missed them, probably because my laptop isn't working right now so I have mostly used my phone lately :p hence my shorter responses!
Anyway, so you went to Prague and might go again? I bet is beautiful. How were the people over there? And as far as buying houses...yes, I am having thoughts about certain similar house-related things (can't talk details), but I definitely would check things out, just keep in mind location...I found that to be very important in those kind of deals.
Finally, the whole thing with my boyfriend...man, it's tough friend. Not tough in the sense that I its tough for me to let go of this, but more in the sense of 'not desiring to hurt him'; however, I keep on getting confirmation that this isn't it for me.
You brought up a good question I've pondered for a while and that brings one of the biggest concerns... All the members in his family are on the intellectual side and he has had opportunities to develop that side in him, but for some reason he just isn't able to communicate with the flow I do or put his thoughts together clearly, sometimes he doesn't even understand the questions I ask...which make our conversations sometimes...a bit frustrating for me, as you can imaging. If you knew me in person you would understand why...
On top of that, his lack of desire to gain any knowledge about anything or have any passion for any subjects its killing me. He repeats the same basic stories again and again, simple stories that he values and that I do respect, but that bring nothing new in my life or his. I just...don't want to be on the teacher role with someone I date constantly, it just blocks my own growth and it makes the attraction I had for him fade away - makes sense? I know not all girls need all that, but I do. I don't mean to, it just the way I am wired, I think.
As far as his parents, and actually close family, they all love me, VV. That along with my desire to not hurt him, make things very difficult right now. Do you know how hard will be to tell him that this can't be, considering how much his family loves me and how much he feels for me? =| He tells me daily how he feels, it has been actually growing for him, whereas it has gone the opposite direction over here...of course I'd never say anything hurtful like that to him, but even with the most considerate words I could use, I know it will still hurt him (continued bel
(Continuation from above post for VV)
...I know it will still hurt him and probably sadden his family a lot.
He hasn't been doing well in other areas of his life, not because he is a bad guy, but because he couldn't pass something that was really important for him, and although his family is helping him a lot right now. He himself is still lacking that sense of clear direction, I think...so on top of all the lack of intellectual stimulation, I feel that we might be at very different stages in life right now. There is more, again, that has nothing to do with him being a bad guy, because he is such a good boyfriend...as far as being sweet with me, but it still does not cover the other things that seem to be very important for me.
I know what I need to do, VV. I think the only hard part right now is knowing when it will be best and how to it in a way that will dignify the valuable experience we have had...that will show respect and value to the things that we gave and that were there in good ways. I will do it, as always, face to face, and I'll be honest but kind...it just that I dislike hurting someone I care for and on this instance a family I truly care for as well...
Anyway, other than that friend, life is good. I am doing alright in the other areas. Some big responsibilities to take care of, as usual, but they are all doable and not 'others' related, so it should be okay.
So, random question for you, what do you picture an ideal partnership with someone to look like?
MissV
...I know it will still hurt him and probably sadden his family a lot.
He hasn't been doing well in other areas of his life, not because he is a bad guy, but because he couldn't pass something that was really important for him, and although his family is helping him a lot right now. He himself is still lacking that sense of clear direction, I think...so on top of all the lack of intellectual stimulation, I feel that we might be at very different stages in life right now. There is more, again, that has nothing to do with him being a bad guy, because he is such a good boyfriend...as far as being sweet with me, but it still does not cover the other things that seem to be very important for me.
I know what I need to do, VV. I think the only hard part right now is knowing when it will be best and how to it in a way that will dignify the valuable experience we have had...that will show respect and value to the things that we gave and that were there in good ways. I will do it, as always, face to face, and I'll be honest but kind...it just that I dislike hurting someone I care for and on this instance a family I truly care for as well...
Anyway, other than that friend, life is good. I am doing alright in the other areas. Some big responsibilities to take care of, as usual, but they are all doable and not 'others' related, so it should be okay.
So, random question for you, what do you picture an ideal partnership with someone to look like?
MissV
Posted by sunnycap
Since he's been back, he's not been very active on FB, until the day after we met last Wednesday...
I also just walked past him on my way out when he talked to a couple of guys without looking at him. I think I needed to protect myself, so said nothing. I then walked past him in the street and again did not look at him. That was the last time we saw each other until 6 days ago.
Anyway, the guy I had chatted and laughed with that night became a friend of mine on FB on Saturday. That day, Virguy suddenly became active on FB. He clicked he liked a status by the other woman suddenly, he made a comment about f*****g on the status of a mutual male friends of ours (and his comment was not relevant to our friend's status), he then updated his own status with "... turn back the hands on the clock.", and then announced that he was at home an hour later. Neither of us has written or done anything on FB since then.
It probably means nothing, but it seemed a little strange somehow...
Sunnycap, question, when was the ignoring him time again? Before or after you all met last time at that bar (when he left with the lady)? Can you clarify that please?
As far as the rest, I understand the possibilities of his update and your encounters with him, but at this point none of that guarantees you things yet...even if they would be signs, you cannot erase what you have seen him do and act like. Also, he could be talking about that last situation with that lady and you could have indeed develop an intuition above seeing him before you did (that is a possible thing and it happens to me too), but that doesn't explain him, as a person, but rather the casualty of things...which I guess takes me to the next and most important question, what is that you really need/want from him? I am just trying to understand better and perhaps also give you a chance to elaborate this within you as well...
MissV
Posted by MissV123
Sunnycap, question, when was the ignoring him time again? Before or after you all met last time at that bar (when he left with the lady)? Can you clarify that please?
As far as the rest, I understand the possibilities of his update and your encounters with him, but at this point none of that guarantees you things yet...even if they would be signs, you cannot erase what you have seen him do and act like. Also, he could be talking about that last situation with that lady and you could have indeed develop an intuition above seeing him before you did (that is a possible thing and it happens to me too), but that doesn't explain him, as a person, but rather the casualty of things...which I guess takes me to the next and most important question, what is that you really need/want from him? I am just trying to understand better and perhaps also give you a chance to elaborate this within you as well...
MissV
Hi MissV
The ignoring was before we met last time in the bar. It was the last time we saw each other before he went away for 10 weeks. We have chatted a couple of times on FB since then, but that's it. I think you're right that the FB update on Saturday is just a coincidence and he's not been there since (not even to say where he is which he did for a few day prior to the update). Also as you say, I mustn't forget what I've seen him do these past 9 months.
What I ideally would like is to spend some more time with him to build a close friendship and possibly a relationship from that. I have a sinking feeling that he's move on to someone else, possibly the girl he chatted to and walked off with last Wednesday. I find it heartbreaking even to think about it!!
Hi SunnyCap! First of all, do know that I am open to the idea of serendipidy and such, so don't think for a second that I don't wish that for you or believe it. So many things are possible you know? However, I see the serendipidy idea as a conjuntion of both casualities (orchestrated from above or within) AND an internal desire from 'both' people. I do not question your experiences for a second, I think the question mark is what would lie underneath as far as his heart... I hope that explains why I think, even the casualties (no matter where they might come from) would need to merge with one mroe element for it all to result in something magic, makes sense?
Secondly, I do appreciate your honesty. It seemed to me that you defenitely (deep inside) do desire more than friendship with this guy from time to time...hence your concenrs with his love life and such. I think that is important to remember as you make any future decisions, just so you can be fair with yourself...otherwise, who else would?
Thirdly, as I said before I do think there is an element of attraction there on his part too based on the things you have said he has done around you and to be with you. Yet, I want you to know that I have too met people who I like and feel attracted to at different points in my life...and have had those moments of desire that won me over and thus shared a bit of me (the outside level of me) briefly with them...but that didn't always mean that I would date them then...or later.
I know you know, this, but I said that because I think people think that because we are more guarded (Virgos) we don't have times when we feel torn and things like that, but we do...but there has to be a bit more than attraction to make something out of it...and sometimes it may have nothing to do with the person in mind, but with where we are at that moment and what we are or not looking for.
I, for example, felt attracted to this Aries guy one time while being single and he eventually had his chance at one point and I left soon after we had just started making out because I didn't want to regret things later. He wanted to date me at first, then when he realized that I wasn't ready he would go on a off with trying to get me back to his place (which I never did again) and would also try to be my friend...but I don't like missleading people or drama so I knew that ALTHOUGH my attraction for hin was there and I even enjoyed the conversations...(cotinues below...)
Secondly, I do appreciate your honesty. It seemed to me that you defenitely (deep inside) do desire more than friendship with this guy from time to time...hence your concenrs with his love life and such. I think that is important to remember as you make any future decisions, just so you can be fair with yourself...otherwise, who else would?
Thirdly, as I said before I do think there is an element of attraction there on his part too based on the things you have said he has done around you and to be with you. Yet, I want you to know that I have too met people who I like and feel attracted to at different points in my life...and have had those moments of desire that won me over and thus shared a bit of me (the outside level of me) briefly with them...but that didn't always mean that I would date them then...or later.
I know you know, this, but I said that because I think people think that because we are more guarded (Virgos) we don't have times when we feel torn and things like that, but we do...but there has to be a bit more than attraction to make something out of it...and sometimes it may have nothing to do with the person in mind, but with where we are at that moment and what we are or not looking for.
I, for example, felt attracted to this Aries guy one time while being single and he eventually had his chance at one point and I left soon after we had just started making out because I didn't want to regret things later. He wanted to date me at first, then when he realized that I wasn't ready he would go on a off with trying to get me back to his place (which I never did again) and would also try to be my friend...but I don't like missleading people or drama so I knew that ALTHOUGH my attraction for hin was there and I even enjoyed the conversations...(cotinues below...)
(Continuation for SunnyCap...)
...I couldn't continue to foster anything further back then. So I stopped and continued to drift apart silently, why? Because number one, we were never in a formal relationship together (we made out one time in the couch and then I left) and two I did feel a level of attraction there and didn't want to fall again into that KNOWING fully well that I couldn't date this person...
I have other friends, thet are different than me, and are more of the go-with-the-flow kind, and while I admire and appreciate freedom, I think it's really important to consider other peoples' feelings.
I just share all this because I want you to understand ONE of the possible dynamics happening here. Now, that might not be exactly the case at all in your situation, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps Virgos, do operate with the heart and mind...at once, most of the time, before making any decisions...ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships, unless there are other outside factors that loosen us up or something temporarily, but eventually I would think most Virgos (sane Virgos) do come back to that natural state of thinking...and proceed with the drifting apart method (especially if feelings have not been outspoken with someone AND/OR if the situation was a non-formal-relationship kind of thing) OR we just dettach little by little while being friends.
If you do decide to stay in his life and put him as a side situation (which is what I would recommend if it's really that hard to let him go) if and when he is ready to be your friend, he will work on that too, make sure that it is not only you trying. We seek what we want and we come back to things we miss, especially if there is an open door or a room that was never closed.
I have to go now. I hope your day is great. Don't worry about the other people in his life, take care of your sweet self for now(which is what is within your reach and great capacity) and embrace the power that you do have to decide whatever is that you want to do next. You will be fine, lady, it's just a matter of creating your next moves and fostering special decisions that could be also good for you.
MissV
...I couldn't continue to foster anything further back then. So I stopped and continued to drift apart silently, why? Because number one, we were never in a formal relationship together (we made out one time in the couch and then I left) and two I did feel a level of attraction there and didn't want to fall again into that KNOWING fully well that I couldn't date this person...
I have other friends, thet are different than me, and are more of the go-with-the-flow kind, and while I admire and appreciate freedom, I think it's really important to consider other peoples' feelings.
I just share all this because I want you to understand ONE of the possible dynamics happening here. Now, that might not be exactly the case at all in your situation, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps Virgos, do operate with the heart and mind...at once, most of the time, before making any decisions...ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships, unless there are other outside factors that loosen us up or something temporarily, but eventually I would think most Virgos (sane Virgos) do come back to that natural state of thinking...and proceed with the drifting apart method (especially if feelings have not been outspoken with someone AND/OR if the situation was a non-formal-relationship kind of thing) OR we just dettach little by little while being friends.
If you do decide to stay in his life and put him as a side situation (which is what I would recommend if it's really that hard to let him go) if and when he is ready to be your friend, he will work on that too, make sure that it is not only you trying. We seek what we want and we come back to things we miss, especially if there is an open door or a room that was never closed.
I have to go now. I hope your day is great. Don't worry about the other people in his life, take care of your sweet self for now(which is what is within your reach and great capacity) and embrace the power that you do have to decide whatever is that you want to do next. You will be fine, lady, it's just a matter of creating your next moves and fostering special decisions that could be also good for you.
MissV
Hi MissV
Thanks for the very honest reply about how you feel/act in this type of situation.
One thing that's slightly different with the Virguy in question and the situation you were in, is that the Virguy is happy to be intimate with several other women (and I know he's been seeing some of them for over a year or more). So, he seems to be OK about being intimate with these women, but not with me, even though I've said right from the start that I'm not after anything heavy, just fun and games. Well, this casual get-together and have sex is what he apparently wants and does with these other women, but not with me anymore. And I wonder why?
I know it's nothing to do with attraction, because I'm not bad looking and get a lot of attention from other men. Also, Virguy and I haven't just had a physical attraction, but a mental connection as well when we've been together, especially when we've been intimate. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before! However, it could just have been me feeling this.
So this is why I don't understand why he's pulling away. We have great physical and mental chemistry, I've said I want the same as him (fun and no commitment, basically), and yet he pulls away. Even if he has felt that I would like it to be more than just that, it does not frighten him when one of the other women tells him exactly the same thing. She has told him that from the start, he knows that she loves him (he admitted to that a year ago when we talked about it briefly) and yet he sees her (and the others) when he's back. So, why be scared if he thinks I have stronger feelings than I've let on and would like more from him, when the other woman's exact same desire does not frighten him?
Virguy and I have also known each other for 8 years (although not very closely). There was an immediate chemistry between us, and I would have to say more from his side than from mine to start off (the famous Virgo stare, following me around, standing close to me, etc). He would do this even when he had a girlfriend and I was married, and our partners where there with us. But that was then, this is now, and thing's change.
It's confusing and hurtful. I would so like to spend some more time with him...
Thanks for the very honest reply about how you feel/act in this type of situation.
One thing that's slightly different with the Virguy in question and the situation you were in, is that the Virguy is happy to be intimate with several other women (and I know he's been seeing some of them for over a year or more). So, he seems to be OK about being intimate with these women, but not with me, even though I've said right from the start that I'm not after anything heavy, just fun and games. Well, this casual get-together and have sex is what he apparently wants and does with these other women, but not with me anymore. And I wonder why?
I know it's nothing to do with attraction, because I'm not bad looking and get a lot of attention from other men. Also, Virguy and I haven't just had a physical attraction, but a mental connection as well when we've been together, especially when we've been intimate. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before! However, it could just have been me feeling this.
So this is why I don't understand why he's pulling away. We have great physical and mental chemistry, I've said I want the same as him (fun and no commitment, basically), and yet he pulls away. Even if he has felt that I would like it to be more than just that, it does not frighten him when one of the other women tells him exactly the same thing. She has told him that from the start, he knows that she loves him (he admitted to that a year ago when we talked about it briefly) and yet he sees her (and the others) when he's back. So, why be scared if he thinks I have stronger feelings than I've let on and would like more from him, when the other woman's exact same desire does not frighten him?
Virguy and I have also known each other for 8 years (although not very closely). There was an immediate chemistry between us, and I would have to say more from his side than from mine to start off (the famous Virgo stare, following me around, standing close to me, etc). He would do this even when he had a girlfriend and I was married, and our partners where there with us. But that was then, this is now, and thing's change.
It's confusing and hurtful. I would so like to spend some more time with him...
Hi Sunnycap, thanks for explaining things further.
So many years...and other factors, I get a better idea now.
Seems to me that he has some reasons why he can't take things so mighty with you. Could be perhaps because he doesn't want to hurt you or because he is afraid to get involved in something he has yet to wrap his mind around.
Has he ever been married? Also, as you have seen it yourself, even if he wasn't keeping something in his mind to stop him from pursuing you...he seems to be on a stage where he just want to be single and have fun for a bit. Being his friend would mean,having complete openess to the choices he would make...could you do that at this point without getting hurt? Would any emotions that could come withit be worth the shot, right now? What is it about his friendship that would be so good for you? Keep all this in mind SC. Take chances if you would like to, just make sure you know well the place you and him are at as you make decisions. You know him and yourself way better than any of us. Just know that I understand the feelings of confusion and yet strong connection.
MissV
So many years...and other factors, I get a better idea now.
Seems to me that he has some reasons why he can't take things so mighty with you. Could be perhaps because he doesn't want to hurt you or because he is afraid to get involved in something he has yet to wrap his mind around.
Has he ever been married? Also, as you have seen it yourself, even if he wasn't keeping something in his mind to stop him from pursuing you...he seems to be on a stage where he just want to be single and have fun for a bit. Being his friend would mean,having complete openess to the choices he would make...could you do that at this point without getting hurt? Would any emotions that could come withit be worth the shot, right now? What is it about his friendship that would be so good for you? Keep all this in mind SC. Take chances if you would like to, just make sure you know well the place you and him are at as you make decisions. You know him and yourself way better than any of us. Just know that I understand the feelings of confusion and yet strong connection.
MissV
P.S. And you don't have to answer all the questions I ask you, Sunnycap. I bring them to you because good friends in my life have helped me so much with some of those questions when I found myself in places of wonder too. I can tell you have genuine care for this guy so I truly hope that things get clearer and clearer over time.
MissV
MissV
Thanks MissV.
He's never been married, but broke up with his long term girlfriend 18 months ago. It was a very difficult split, and she got engaged to someone else within a couple of months and now has a baby by her new fiancee. I don't think Virguy is quite over her yet, and I think there's a lot of resentment and anger around the whole situation still. I think he might still be missing her. Also, his parents split up when he was a teenager, and I know from his sister that it affected him quite a bit.
After reading your last reply, I think I know why he's pulling away from me. The last time we were intimate together (at Christmas) I more or less ignored him the following night, chatting and laughing with other guys (they were old school friends I hadn't seen for a long time). So I left Virguy on his own at the bar while I was walking around chatting etc. After quite a while he pulled away and subsequently walked off with someone else late that night. As he was leaving, I confronted him and asked if he was going home with her. Then I went on saying "Do you not have any more feelings for me than that?".
The next time we saw each other at a small party at his place, I asked him what the problem was with me, and he quoted what I had said 3 months earlier word perfect. I told him I had said that because he had walked off with someone else 15 hours after we had spent the whole night together, and I went on to say that he should start showing me some respect.
So, maybe that's exactly what he's doing, showing me respect by pulling away, because if he is intimate with me one night, he might want to be with someone else while he's here, and that's not very respectful if we've also been together.
I'm wondering if he's thinking that as long as we're not intimate, it's no problem for him to walk off with anybody else. I think at the moment he needs to be able to see whoever he wants whenever he wants to. So being intimate with me could cause problems because I confront him when he is with other girls and he might feel he's not respecting me by doing it.
He hasn't been out for a while, so I'm thinking he's keeping away. It upsets me to think this, because to me he's the one! Don't quite know what to do now, but I think I will have to talk to him and be honest about my feelings for him.
What do you think MissV?
He's never been married, but broke up with his long term girlfriend 18 months ago. It was a very difficult split, and she got engaged to someone else within a couple of months and now has a baby by her new fiancee. I don't think Virguy is quite over her yet, and I think there's a lot of resentment and anger around the whole situation still. I think he might still be missing her. Also, his parents split up when he was a teenager, and I know from his sister that it affected him quite a bit.
After reading your last reply, I think I know why he's pulling away from me. The last time we were intimate together (at Christmas) I more or less ignored him the following night, chatting and laughing with other guys (they were old school friends I hadn't seen for a long time). So I left Virguy on his own at the bar while I was walking around chatting etc. After quite a while he pulled away and subsequently walked off with someone else late that night. As he was leaving, I confronted him and asked if he was going home with her. Then I went on saying "Do you not have any more feelings for me than that?".
The next time we saw each other at a small party at his place, I asked him what the problem was with me, and he quoted what I had said 3 months earlier word perfect. I told him I had said that because he had walked off with someone else 15 hours after we had spent the whole night together, and I went on to say that he should start showing me some respect.
So, maybe that's exactly what he's doing, showing me respect by pulling away, because if he is intimate with me one night, he might want to be with someone else while he's here, and that's not very respectful if we've also been together.
I'm wondering if he's thinking that as long as we're not intimate, it's no problem for him to walk off with anybody else. I think at the moment he needs to be able to see whoever he wants whenever he wants to. So being intimate with me could cause problems because I confront him when he is with other girls and he might feel he's not respecting me by doing it.
He hasn't been out for a while, so I'm thinking he's keeping away. It upsets me to think this, because to me he's the one! Don't quite know what to do now, but I think I will have to talk to him and be honest about my feelings for him.
What do you think MissV?
Sunnycap, I've had one of those weeks...so it's taken a bit longer, but here I am. I can tell that is an important issue for you so I'll do my best to share my thoughts when I can!
Well, first of all, yes it is very possible that he is not getting intimate with you out of respect. I really do think he feels attracted to you, but like I said there are other things holding him back whereas temporarily or permanently (this I don't know) from pursuing anything further.
Interestingly enough my parents got divorced when I was younger too and considering you have been previously married I can tell on one of the pros and one the cons about his own experience. One of the pros, he could be more understanding and less judgemental of that situation since he himself saw how possible or sometimes necessary it is to do that in some cases (at least that is how I feel currently). One of the cons, because he saw this, although he won't ever judge people who went through that, he will take commitment with more realness/seriousness than a kid who never saw this change, at least that's what I've noticed with me and other friends with similar backgrounds. We are totally up and great in relationships, but we won't stay on a relationship for the sake of relationships or marry for the sake of pleasing others.
If I marry someone it will be because I am 100% sure that we are both ready for it, willing, and perfect for each other. Although, I'm not as much as a perfectionist when it comes to committed dating relationships... I definitely date with a purpose and will stop dating someone if I don't see a future with them eventually. I don't like wasting my time or someone else's. So although I don't sleep around, I do refrain from committing unless I'm very motivated to take a chance...and if I see some issue them I either bring it up (if I can see potential for mending) or I retrieve and end things. I say all this because perhaps he views relationships and approaches them in similar ways. He deals with it differently, but I wonder if his thoughts about it are similar...
(Continuation in the next post...)
Well, first of all, yes it is very possible that he is not getting intimate with you out of respect. I really do think he feels attracted to you, but like I said there are other things holding him back whereas temporarily or permanently (this I don't know) from pursuing anything further.
Interestingly enough my parents got divorced when I was younger too and considering you have been previously married I can tell on one of the pros and one the cons about his own experience. One of the pros, he could be more understanding and less judgemental of that situation since he himself saw how possible or sometimes necessary it is to do that in some cases (at least that is how I feel currently). One of the cons, because he saw this, although he won't ever judge people who went through that, he will take commitment with more realness/seriousness than a kid who never saw this change, at least that's what I've noticed with me and other friends with similar backgrounds. We are totally up and great in relationships, but we won't stay on a relationship for the sake of relationships or marry for the sake of pleasing others.
If I marry someone it will be because I am 100% sure that we are both ready for it, willing, and perfect for each other. Although, I'm not as much as a perfectionist when it comes to committed dating relationships... I definitely date with a purpose and will stop dating someone if I don't see a future with them eventually. I don't like wasting my time or someone else's. So although I don't sleep around, I do refrain from committing unless I'm very motivated to take a chance...and if I see some issue them I either bring it up (if I can see potential for mending) or I retrieve and end things. I say all this because perhaps he views relationships and approaches them in similar ways. He deals with it differently, but I wonder if his thoughts about it are similar...
(Continuation in the next post...)
(Continuation for Sunnycap)
At this point, if you could choose to tell him how you feel...for the sake of closure or anything you might be thinking of....just make sure that you prepare well mentally and emotionally for whatever outcome might come from it...
He might clarify more things for you, which might be s very good thing for you so you at least know that you tried and have some direction from then on, but he might also say things that would be hard for you...or even still confusing...so just be ready for any responses so that when they come you will know what to do.
He probably has thought of you and of the possibility. There is just something holding him back from commiting right now.
Only you will know what might be best for you after you talk to him, if you decide too.
I personally can't disclose my feelings until I'm absolutely sure and feel absolutely safe. And the subject of feelings and emotions has been always very perplexing to me...but I can definitely be honest and respectful of others who deal with it differently.
I doubt that he wouldn't value your honesty. Just make sure that you don't cling if his response isn't mutual (even if temporarily) because that will only make things worst as at as even a potential friendship or subsequent realization of things in his mind.
And if you decide not to say something, make sure you find a way to release all those thoughts and emotions just like you are doing it here. There are so many things that could help. And I know you will be okay in either case overtime lady...it's just a matter of discerning what might be best for you to do next.
Have a good Friday!
MissV
At this point, if you could choose to tell him how you feel...for the sake of closure or anything you might be thinking of....just make sure that you prepare well mentally and emotionally for whatever outcome might come from it...
He might clarify more things for you, which might be s very good thing for you so you at least know that you tried and have some direction from then on, but he might also say things that would be hard for you...or even still confusing...so just be ready for any responses so that when they come you will know what to do.
He probably has thought of you and of the possibility. There is just something holding him back from commiting right now.
Only you will know what might be best for you after you talk to him, if you decide too.
I personally can't disclose my feelings until I'm absolutely sure and feel absolutely safe. And the subject of feelings and emotions has been always very perplexing to me...but I can definitely be honest and respectful of others who deal with it differently.
I doubt that he wouldn't value your honesty. Just make sure that you don't cling if his response isn't mutual (even if temporarily) because that will only make things worst as at as even a potential friendship or subsequent realization of things in his mind.
And if you decide not to say something, make sure you find a way to release all those thoughts and emotions just like you are doing it here. There are so many things that could help. And I know you will be okay in either case overtime lady...it's just a matter of discerning what might be best for you to do next.
Have a good Friday!
MissV
Thanks for taking time to reply, MissV. I really appreciate the help I'm receiving from you and the other nice Virgals!
Your views on parents divorcing is very interesting. I think he takes relationships very seriously when he does commit. As a matter of fact, we discussed this the last time he was back. Two close friends of ours have just split up after having been together for 16 years (and they're just 33 years old both of them!). I said I thought it was strange that they were no longer together, but that I was sure they would be happier apart. He reacted quite strongly to this, saying "Why do everyone say things like that!". I said that sometimes people are better of apart than together, especially when the children involved notice there's something wrong between the parents. He disagreed and thought it better to just stay together no matter what. So commitment and staying together is clearly something that's very important to him.
He knows that I've been in a relationship/married for 20 years and also knows that I have never, ever cheated on my husband, not matter how bad things were. I told him that on the same night. He also knows that my husband and I had problems with intimacy for many, many years, but that I chose to stay with him and not go off with someone else. However, he has seen me chat, laugh and flirt a little bit when I've been out and has seen that I often get attention from other guys. That coupled with having said that I'm not after anything serious, just a bit of fun, knowing that I've just come out of a very long relationship might be something that frightens him. That he simply doesn't know what I want, that I might be on the rebound just wanting some fun, and that I'm not serious about taking anything further. He also knows that I'm still married, although just on paper, that I have a very good friendship with my ex-husband (I told his sister) and that I still use may married name.
However, I can't help but think that it might not have anything to do with this, but that he's simply moved on emotionally. I never told him how I feel out of fear of coming on too strongly and frightening him. I simply needed that little hope that he might also like me, so I said nothing. It might be too late to say it to him know, but I feel I should be honest with him regardless. At least he will then know that I care deeply about him.
Your views on parents divorcing is very interesting. I think he takes relationships very seriously when he does commit. As a matter of fact, we discussed this the last time he was back. Two close friends of ours have just split up after having been together for 16 years (and they're just 33 years old both of them!). I said I thought it was strange that they were no longer together, but that I was sure they would be happier apart. He reacted quite strongly to this, saying "Why do everyone say things like that!". I said that sometimes people are better of apart than together, especially when the children involved notice there's something wrong between the parents. He disagreed and thought it better to just stay together no matter what. So commitment and staying together is clearly something that's very important to him.
He knows that I've been in a relationship/married for 20 years and also knows that I have never, ever cheated on my husband, not matter how bad things were. I told him that on the same night. He also knows that my husband and I had problems with intimacy for many, many years, but that I chose to stay with him and not go off with someone else. However, he has seen me chat, laugh and flirt a little bit when I've been out and has seen that I often get attention from other guys. That coupled with having said that I'm not after anything serious, just a bit of fun, knowing that I've just come out of a very long relationship might be something that frightens him. That he simply doesn't know what I want, that I might be on the rebound just wanting some fun, and that I'm not serious about taking anything further. He also knows that I'm still married, although just on paper, that I have a very good friendship with my ex-husband (I told his sister) and that I still use may married name.
However, I can't help but think that it might not have anything to do with this, but that he's simply moved on emotionally. I never told him how I feel out of fear of coming on too strongly and frightening him. I simply needed that little hope that he might also like me, so I said nothing. It might be too late to say it to him know, but I feel I should be honest with him regardless. At least he will then know that I care deeply about him.
...continued...
I think I am strong enough now to deal with the rejection, because I think I already know his answer. Also, he's already pulling away from me, so I have nothing to lose anymore. Hopefully I can get some closure after 12 months of loving him so deeply.
I don't think I will see him again before he goes back to work, so I might have to tell him how I feel in an email. It might not be a bad idea, as it will give him time to read it when he wants and think about it if he wants to. I will then have to pull away and move on the best I can with my own life, at least knowing that I've finally opened up to him and told him the truth about how I really feel.
I think I am strong enough now to deal with the rejection, because I think I already know his answer. Also, he's already pulling away from me, so I have nothing to lose anymore. Hopefully I can get some closure after 12 months of loving him so deeply.
I don't think I will see him again before he goes back to work, so I might have to tell him how I feel in an email. It might not be a bad idea, as it will give him time to read it when he wants and think about it if he wants to. I will then have to pull away and move on the best I can with my own life, at least knowing that I've finally opened up to him and told him the truth about how I really feel.
You're welcome Sunnycap.
I almost forgot to mention that if that past relationship got him involved emotionally in some way, because of the rarity of it and the meaning it conveys....it might be part of the current issue.
When I ended things with my ex-Scorpio it took a while before I could be ready to open up again and even then I have had to use different approaches to date and had to renew my mind constantly to deal with the feelings or desires that would come back (I'm still dealing with the last residuals of it).
Even if it's over or if you know very well this person isnt the best for you IF they got through you, even a little, in other levels you keep them with you and hide for a while, it takes time and lots of purposeful effort...to completely let go...and since we tend to be reserved, most often we are alone in that battle (which eventually makes us be strong on our own too).
Of course, no one would suspect that, but it's true, at least on my case. So I can relate to both of you...him in his views of relationship and subsequent reactions of things...and you in the sense that some connections are confusing and very impacting.
Eventually healing does come though Sunmycap. So no matter what happens from here on, remember that life is full of opportunities and new experiences...and when the time is right the readiness for new open doors and the ability to close old ones will come.
All the best!
MissV
I almost forgot to mention that if that past relationship got him involved emotionally in some way, because of the rarity of it and the meaning it conveys....it might be part of the current issue.
When I ended things with my ex-Scorpio it took a while before I could be ready to open up again and even then I have had to use different approaches to date and had to renew my mind constantly to deal with the feelings or desires that would come back (I'm still dealing with the last residuals of it).
Even if it's over or if you know very well this person isnt the best for you IF they got through you, even a little, in other levels you keep them with you and hide for a while, it takes time and lots of purposeful effort...to completely let go...and since we tend to be reserved, most often we are alone in that battle (which eventually makes us be strong on our own too).
Of course, no one would suspect that, but it's true, at least on my case. So I can relate to both of you...him in his views of relationship and subsequent reactions of things...and you in the sense that some connections are confusing and very impacting.
Eventually healing does come though Sunmycap. So no matter what happens from here on, remember that life is full of opportunities and new experiences...and when the time is right the readiness for new open doors and the ability to close old ones will come.
All the best!
MissV
Another thing I think might have put him off is that I've confronted him about the other women 3 times now over a period of 6 months. The last time was when we spent some time in a bar last week. I know I have no right to do so, but when your feelings are running high, it's incredibly difficult seeing him with others. And I become a bit vocal about things like that when I've had a few drinks.
I simply think he's had enough of all that, that he cannot go out and be with whomever he wants to without having me either looking at him or confronting him.
Also, I know I've come on a bit strongly in the past, really wanting to be with him. So, all these elements put together has probably added up and is too much for him to want to spend any time with me. Yes, he could sit and have a few drink with me in the bar last week, but when I noticed that he looked at another girl and seemed quite interested in her, I asked him about it directly at the end of the night. It's too much, I know it is.
He also wrote something on FB while he was away at work this time which sounded like he's moved on with something, has let something go. It was particularly tricky between us the last time he was here 3 months ago, and I fear that he's had time away to think everything through and has come to a decision based on that. This worries me beyond belief, and I'm so scared that it's probably all over for good.
I think the last confrontation I did last week has pushed him away for good, because I've not seen him since. It makes me sad, but I think I will have to let it go now and hope that I can without too much pain!
I simply think he's had enough of all that, that he cannot go out and be with whomever he wants to without having me either looking at him or confronting him.
Also, I know I've come on a bit strongly in the past, really wanting to be with him. So, all these elements put together has probably added up and is too much for him to want to spend any time with me. Yes, he could sit and have a few drink with me in the bar last week, but when I noticed that he looked at another girl and seemed quite interested in her, I asked him about it directly at the end of the night. It's too much, I know it is.
He also wrote something on FB while he was away at work this time which sounded like he's moved on with something, has let something go. It was particularly tricky between us the last time he was here 3 months ago, and I fear that he's had time away to think everything through and has come to a decision based on that. This worries me beyond belief, and I'm so scared that it's probably all over for good.
I think the last confrontation I did last week has pushed him away for good, because I've not seen him since. It makes me sad, but I think I will have to let it go now and hope that I can without too much pain!
Thanks for your reply MissV. I wrote another comment before I saw that you had written back so quickly 🙂
Hello ladies!
Sunnycap, sorry it's taken a few days. I've been caught in some fun time due to the holidays and along with some big girl pants responsibilities I am busy in my mind as I try to decide upon a time when I might have the "talk" with my boyfriend... I am not struggling with the thought of letting go, it is more so with the idea to do it fairly and in the best way possible out of respect for him and our dating experience...
Anyway, as far as your situation, yes all those situations are possibilities for the drifting apart. I said this before, but I really get the idea that the attraction and chemistry is there...you just got to remember that Virgos tend to decide in logical ways, so if there are factors that are either overwhelming or not adding up to our stage in life, then no matter how much we appreciate or feel attracted to someone...eventually it will wear us down and we will need a time to recuperate mentally.
Following that (in my experience) we go back if we really have unique feelings or thoughts towards that person. Otherwise, if we feel like what we decided is right or better for everyone then all we might offer might be friendship eventually but at the distance for a while.
The fact that he hasn't tried to become your friend really quickly makes me think that he is just trying to take some time off to make a decision soon or to follow up a decision he has made.
Don't be afraid in either case...remember that you want and need to be with someone who is ready for you. Semi-readiness won't work for long otherwise. See how things go and act accordingly...unless you really feel the need to open up your heart for some good or higher purpose. All the best!
VV, hopefully you can find my responses to you somewhere in the mists of these pages. Hope your week is great!
MissV
Sunnycap, sorry it's taken a few days. I've been caught in some fun time due to the holidays and along with some big girl pants responsibilities I am busy in my mind as I try to decide upon a time when I might have the "talk" with my boyfriend... I am not struggling with the thought of letting go, it is more so with the idea to do it fairly and in the best way possible out of respect for him and our dating experience...
Anyway, as far as your situation, yes all those situations are possibilities for the drifting apart. I said this before, but I really get the idea that the attraction and chemistry is there...you just got to remember that Virgos tend to decide in logical ways, so if there are factors that are either overwhelming or not adding up to our stage in life, then no matter how much we appreciate or feel attracted to someone...eventually it will wear us down and we will need a time to recuperate mentally.
Following that (in my experience) we go back if we really have unique feelings or thoughts towards that person. Otherwise, if we feel like what we decided is right or better for everyone then all we might offer might be friendship eventually but at the distance for a while.
The fact that he hasn't tried to become your friend really quickly makes me think that he is just trying to take some time off to make a decision soon or to follow up a decision he has made.
Don't be afraid in either case...remember that you want and need to be with someone who is ready for you. Semi-readiness won't work for long otherwise. See how things go and act accordingly...unless you really feel the need to open up your heart for some good or higher purpose. All the best!
VV, hopefully you can find my responses to you somewhere in the mists of these pages. Hope your week is great!
MissV
Hi MissV!
Nice to hear that you've had some holiday fun!🙂I really hope the talk with your boyfriend goes well. Those things are never easy especially if you've been together for a while. I wish you the very best with that.
Thanks for your input once again. It's so kind of you to take the time to write back, and you advice and insight makes me understand things a little better.
Not a lot has happened since I last wrote. In fact, Virguy has completely stayed away from any of the pubs in town for 3 weekends now (although I did have that time with him midweek 2 weeks ago). I have not seen him since. It's very unlike him and it made me sad and worried that he might be serious about someone else preferring to stay at home.
But he has been posting some strange songs on FB (and I think song lyrics means a lot to him). One is about useless men, in fact it's called useless men and how bad they are. He's also posted something about having another drink very late at night in the middle of the week. Today, one of the much older women who was at his place when Virguy and I argued a couple of months ago posted a simple hello on his wall, and he responded by welcoming her back. Subsequently, she wrote and said that she'll see him sometime over the weekend.
I know I should not pay too much attention to things like this, but it's very hard when I have seen him just once in 3 weeks, he's going back in just over a week, and it sounds like he's made plans with this older woman over the weekend, so it means he will not be out then either! By the way, this is not the woman he's had an on/off thing with that I've mentioned before. This is a neighbour of his, but I'm pretty sure they've had/have a FWB thing going on. She was also the one who's studied a lot of psychology and who said there was a lot of feelings when she saw us argue. But that was 3 months ago, and a lot can have changed since then.
Nice to hear that you've had some holiday fun!🙂I really hope the talk with your boyfriend goes well. Those things are never easy especially if you've been together for a while. I wish you the very best with that.
Thanks for your input once again. It's so kind of you to take the time to write back, and you advice and insight makes me understand things a little better.
Not a lot has happened since I last wrote. In fact, Virguy has completely stayed away from any of the pubs in town for 3 weekends now (although I did have that time with him midweek 2 weeks ago). I have not seen him since. It's very unlike him and it made me sad and worried that he might be serious about someone else preferring to stay at home.
But he has been posting some strange songs on FB (and I think song lyrics means a lot to him). One is about useless men, in fact it's called useless men and how bad they are. He's also posted something about having another drink very late at night in the middle of the week. Today, one of the much older women who was at his place when Virguy and I argued a couple of months ago posted a simple hello on his wall, and he responded by welcoming her back. Subsequently, she wrote and said that she'll see him sometime over the weekend.
I know I should not pay too much attention to things like this, but it's very hard when I have seen him just once in 3 weeks, he's going back in just over a week, and it sounds like he's made plans with this older woman over the weekend, so it means he will not be out then either! By the way, this is not the woman he's had an on/off thing with that I've mentioned before. This is a neighbour of his, but I'm pretty sure they've had/have a FWB thing going on. She was also the one who's studied a lot of psychology and who said there was a lot of feelings when she saw us argue. But that was 3 months ago, and a lot can have changed since then.
...continued....
I'm just so confused and tired at the moment, because I really want to see him but can't as he's staying away from everything and everywhere, yet he's been announcing on FB where he's been up until last week (concert in the capital city, at home, etc). He had announced that he would be at a concert in our town last Friday, but he was not there. After that he's been posting these strange songs on FB and about drinking.
Having thought about everything very carefully for the last few days, I've come to the conclusion that I do have to be honest with him. I really don't have anything to lose any more, as he's staying away anyway. In the past I thought I would frighten him and not see him if I told him how I felt, but this time around he's staying away regardless. So perhaps I should just tell him in an email when he's gone back to work.
I'm finding it all a bit difficult at the moment and I don't want to rush and make the wrong decision. But perhaps the time has come to open up, be completely honest and then try and let go...?
I'm just so confused and tired at the moment, because I really want to see him but can't as he's staying away from everything and everywhere, yet he's been announcing on FB where he's been up until last week (concert in the capital city, at home, etc). He had announced that he would be at a concert in our town last Friday, but he was not there. After that he's been posting these strange songs on FB and about drinking.
Having thought about everything very carefully for the last few days, I've come to the conclusion that I do have to be honest with him. I really don't have anything to lose any more, as he's staying away anyway. In the past I thought I would frighten him and not see him if I told him how I felt, but this time around he's staying away regardless. So perhaps I should just tell him in an email when he's gone back to work.
I'm finding it all a bit difficult at the moment and I don't want to rush and make the wrong decision. But perhaps the time has come to open up, be completely honest and then try and let go...?
Well, I saw him on Saturday night and he stayed at my place until 4 in the afternoon the following day. But it's not good, unfortunately.
It started with him announcing on FB that he was at a bar where there was a concert that night. I was already going but had not confirmed it on FB (unlike the other woman and many others). So, he suddenly says he's there after having avoided most of the usual places in our town since he came back 4 weeks ago).
I get there a bit late and I see him standing near the door and the other woman and her friends hovering around him (as usual). I don't go over there but make my way to the bar a bit further away from him. I see him looking around the room and then he sees me and we nod at each other.
To cut it a bit short, I did not go over and talk to him, he came over to where I was standing, came outside when I was outside and stood right behind me talking to some guy, keeps looking at me many times and I look at him too. But I did not talk to him, just said hello as I was talking to a girl for quite a long time. A girl goes over to him and drags him inside to the bar, and he talks to her for quite a long time before she leaves. While this is happening, I talk to a guy I know who buys me a drink before getting a bit touchy/feely with me, which I don't reciprocate. Not long after, Virguy comes over to me and starts talking. I chat away to him about this and that, and I can see that he's very drunk and has probably taken something else, too (I know he takes coke sometimes, as he's told me this).
When he takes coke, he really changes. He becomes much more arrogant and tough, and he was like that on Friday night. When I talked to him I was very friendly, touching him as we were talking about his T-shirt, etc, and then he said "I'm confused". I told him that it was probably because I chat to him a lot in English (it's not our first language), and it makes him think he's back at work (where he has to speak English). I lived in England for many years before moving back last autumn, so love to chat to him in English because he's really fluent in it.
It started with him announcing on FB that he was at a bar where there was a concert that night. I was already going but had not confirmed it on FB (unlike the other woman and many others). So, he suddenly says he's there after having avoided most of the usual places in our town since he came back 4 weeks ago).
I get there a bit late and I see him standing near the door and the other woman and her friends hovering around him (as usual). I don't go over there but make my way to the bar a bit further away from him. I see him looking around the room and then he sees me and we nod at each other.
To cut it a bit short, I did not go over and talk to him, he came over to where I was standing, came outside when I was outside and stood right behind me talking to some guy, keeps looking at me many times and I look at him too. But I did not talk to him, just said hello as I was talking to a girl for quite a long time. A girl goes over to him and drags him inside to the bar, and he talks to her for quite a long time before she leaves. While this is happening, I talk to a guy I know who buys me a drink before getting a bit touchy/feely with me, which I don't reciprocate. Not long after, Virguy comes over to me and starts talking. I chat away to him about this and that, and I can see that he's very drunk and has probably taken something else, too (I know he takes coke sometimes, as he's told me this).
When he takes coke, he really changes. He becomes much more arrogant and tough, and he was like that on Friday night. When I talked to him I was very friendly, touching him as we were talking about his T-shirt, etc, and then he said "I'm confused". I told him that it was probably because I chat to him a lot in English (it's not our first language), and it makes him think he's back at work (where he has to speak English). I lived in England for many years before moving back last autumn, so love to chat to him in English because he's really fluent in it.
---------Sorry, my message came up several times as I received an error message-------
Anyway, as the night progressed, he gets more and more drunk and high. I don't think I've ever seen him so drunk before! He is quite straight talking with me, chatting in English, then pulls away to talk to the other woman and plays a game of Shuffle with her. Comes back to me and stands right next to me so we touch each other. I'm very friendly with him, we buy each other drinks etc. But he also seems a bit disturbed by me, somehow, and I don't understand why.
When he went and chatted to other's, I just left him alone, did not follow him, but talked to other people myself. After closing time, there's a lock in at the bar, and we're staying behind with a few others (including the other woman). He gets more and more drunk/high. The other woman leaves in the end, has a chat with him before she goes, and Virguy and I stay behind at the party with a few others.
At 7 in the morning, I decide it's best to try and take him home because he's in such a state (he got into a scrap with another guy earlier in the night and ended up with a black eye), which really upset him. I tried to calm him down, and he was OK.
So, we walk off to try and find him a taxi. There's no taxis at the rank, so I say he can come back to my place to sleep on the sofa. I take his hand and tell him that I'm going to look after him because I care for him. So, we walk hand in hand though the high street, and he's calm and quiet, but extremely intoxicated, so won't remember anything about that.
He ends up sleeping in my bed (his choice), starts talking in his sleep and I comfort him, hold around him, stroke him gently. I care so deeply for him, that I just want him to be OK. It felt so very good to be close to him. I couldn't believe that he was in my bed again. I laid there just looking at him for quite a while.
I get up and go about my things, and he gets up eventually and comes out fully dressed. I'm a bit surprised about that and become a bit insecure as I though he might want to be with me. In the past when we've woken up together, he's a bit shy and reserved. This time he wasn't, and that made me wonder what was going on too. He didn't seem himself, much more cold and tough. Having a go at people and generally seeming a bit cool. His eye was really puffed up and black, so I don't think that helped his mood.
Anyway, as the night progressed, he gets more and more drunk and high. I don't think I've ever seen him so drunk before! He is quite straight talking with me, chatting in English, then pulls away to talk to the other woman and plays a game of Shuffle with her. Comes back to me and stands right next to me so we touch each other. I'm very friendly with him, we buy each other drinks etc. But he also seems a bit disturbed by me, somehow, and I don't understand why.
When he went and chatted to other's, I just left him alone, did not follow him, but talked to other people myself. After closing time, there's a lock in at the bar, and we're staying behind with a few others (including the other woman). He gets more and more drunk/high. The other woman leaves in the end, has a chat with him before she goes, and Virguy and I stay behind at the party with a few others.
At 7 in the morning, I decide it's best to try and take him home because he's in such a state (he got into a scrap with another guy earlier in the night and ended up with a black eye), which really upset him. I tried to calm him down, and he was OK.
So, we walk off to try and find him a taxi. There's no taxis at the rank, so I say he can come back to my place to sleep on the sofa. I take his hand and tell him that I'm going to look after him because I care for him. So, we walk hand in hand though the high street, and he's calm and quiet, but extremely intoxicated, so won't remember anything about that.
He ends up sleeping in my bed (his choice), starts talking in his sleep and I comfort him, hold around him, stroke him gently. I care so deeply for him, that I just want him to be OK. It felt so very good to be close to him. I couldn't believe that he was in my bed again. I laid there just looking at him for quite a while.
I get up and go about my things, and he gets up eventually and comes out fully dressed. I'm a bit surprised about that and become a bit insecure as I though he might want to be with me. In the past when we've woken up together, he's a bit shy and reserved. This time he wasn't, and that made me wonder what was going on too. He didn't seem himself, much more cold and tough. Having a go at people and generally seeming a bit cool. His eye was really puffed up and black, so I don't think that helped his mood.
... continued...
Anyway, we chat on my balcony for about 25 minutes, I ask if he wants something to eat or drink, which he doesn't, saying he has to make his way home (which is quite a long walk). I tell him he can stay a bit longer if he wants to, but he says he has to get going. He puts on his jacket and shoes, looks at his black eye again, and I say that I would like to talk to him before he goes back to the war zone on Thursday.
He looks terrified, eyes wide open and says "Not now!". I say perhaps before he goes on Thursday, and he replies with "Maybe. Maybe" before saying "Byeee" in a very strange way! He walks out the door, looks at me with a slight disbelief and gently closes the door on me. I'm stunned, so walk outside and call him back, saying I didn't think that was very nice of him to do that. He turns around, walks back to me, looks me in the eyes and pat me on the head, before he turns around and walk off.
What the.......! How arrogant! What is going on? I don't recognize him at all like this!
I think he might have taken some coke when he woke up, because he was acting like that again. Or, he simply don't care about me one iota!
Anyway, 5 minutes later, he announces on FB that he's at a cafe down the road from me. The women who was at the party where he and I ended up arguing a the last time he was at home, asks him when will they see him? Will he be home that night, to which he replies he will be at home that night.
20 minutes later, he announces that he's at a pub that's 1 minute away from me. More chit chat from the women and can't believe that he's out drinking so early (4 in the afternoon) after having been out the previous night.
4 hours later, he's announcing on FB that he's at another bar 3 minutes away from me, and then a couple of hours after that he says he's at yet another bar outside the town center.
I was very hurt when he replied that he would be at home that night, as it sounded like he wanted to announce that he was going to spend time with them. In the end, he didn't do that by the look of it, but why on earth keep announcing this on FB minutes after he left me, having spent the whole night in my bed and I had looked after him?
Why not just do it without having to say anything about it. I felt it was really unecessary, especially as I had told him that I wanted to talk to him.
Anyway, we chat on my balcony for about 25 minutes, I ask if he wants something to eat or drink, which he doesn't, saying he has to make his way home (which is quite a long walk). I tell him he can stay a bit longer if he wants to, but he says he has to get going. He puts on his jacket and shoes, looks at his black eye again, and I say that I would like to talk to him before he goes back to the war zone on Thursday.
He looks terrified, eyes wide open and says "Not now!". I say perhaps before he goes on Thursday, and he replies with "Maybe. Maybe" before saying "Byeee" in a very strange way! He walks out the door, looks at me with a slight disbelief and gently closes the door on me. I'm stunned, so walk outside and call him back, saying I didn't think that was very nice of him to do that. He turns around, walks back to me, looks me in the eyes and pat me on the head, before he turns around and walk off.
What the.......! How arrogant! What is going on? I don't recognize him at all like this!
I think he might have taken some coke when he woke up, because he was acting like that again. Or, he simply don't care about me one iota!
Anyway, 5 minutes later, he announces on FB that he's at a cafe down the road from me. The women who was at the party where he and I ended up arguing a the last time he was at home, asks him when will they see him? Will he be home that night, to which he replies he will be at home that night.
20 minutes later, he announces that he's at a pub that's 1 minute away from me. More chit chat from the women and can't believe that he's out drinking so early (4 in the afternoon) after having been out the previous night.
4 hours later, he's announcing on FB that he's at another bar 3 minutes away from me, and then a couple of hours after that he says he's at yet another bar outside the town center.
I was very hurt when he replied that he would be at home that night, as it sounded like he wanted to announce that he was going to spend time with them. In the end, he didn't do that by the look of it, but why on earth keep announcing this on FB minutes after he left me, having spent the whole night in my bed and I had looked after him?
Why not just do it without having to say anything about it. I felt it was really unecessary, especially as I had told him that I wanted to talk to him.
So, he went straight from my place after having been drinking and taking coke until 7 that morning, to start again and announcing it to boot! To be honest, I don't recognize this person. It's not the guy that I know. He seems to really struggle and has not "landed" even after nearly 4 weeks here. I've never seen him as bad as this before, and I'm getting worried about him.
However, there's nothing I can do. When he left, I did not try to phone him or text him. I certainly did not go to the pub next door to me where he said he was. I just left it. And quite frankly, I don't think there's any point trying to contact him now before he goes back on Thursday.
I'm sorry for the long post. I'm going through such mixed emotions at the moment. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I feel sorry for him all at the same time! I want to give him a piece of my mind, but at the same time I don't think he's in a state to want to listen at the moment. And I simply don't know what to make of all this.
I simply don't think he cares any more..... Please help.... X
However, there's nothing I can do. When he left, I did not try to phone him or text him. I certainly did not go to the pub next door to me where he said he was. I just left it. And quite frankly, I don't think there's any point trying to contact him now before he goes back on Thursday.
I'm sorry for the long post. I'm going through such mixed emotions at the moment. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I feel sorry for him all at the same time! I want to give him a piece of my mind, but at the same time I don't think he's in a state to want to listen at the moment. And I simply don't know what to make of all this.
I simply don't think he cares any more..... Please help.... X
PS
One of the songs he posted on FB is called and is about worthless men. It feels like he's on a self destructive path to numb what he's feeling inside perhaps about his ex girlfriend and the stress and trauma he's experienced working in a dangerous war zone for 7 years without getting any type of debriefing?
One of the songs he posted on FB is called and is about worthless men. It feels like he's on a self destructive path to numb what he's feeling inside perhaps about his ex girlfriend and the stress and trauma he's experienced working in a dangerous war zone for 7 years without getting any type of debriefing?
PPS:
On Friday, hours before the concert, I posted a song by Tracy Chapman on my FB wall called "You're the one". The song and lyrics is beautiful and it's about loving a person despite their problems and no matter how bad they're perceived by others. The song mean a lot to me, because that's how I feel about him...
On Friday, hours before the concert, I posted a song by Tracy Chapman on my FB wall called "You're the one". The song and lyrics is beautiful and it's about loving a person despite their problems and no matter how bad they're perceived by others. The song mean a lot to me, because that's how I feel about him...
Sunnycap,
I won't be able to write much, but here I am.
I had my first break-up talk with Mr. Taurus and he is not giving up...it was really hard because he keeps on trying, but at least I was able to let things out of my chest so he can be prepared. I just don't want to hurt him much. I know all break-ups are hard, but as I've been growing up and maturing I really want to be considerate in the way I bring hard news...I am trying my best to let him understand and let him go without much hurt. I am sure we will have a second talk soon.
Anyway, as far as you friend, I read all the messages... First of all, you did your best, you truly gave things a try. He kept on showing you the same behavior...I know it must hurt...but I think it's time to let go. You couldn't have been more upfront, caring, and honest. In order to have peace, now its time to take care of what is within you...that is the only way to go if you really want to feel better sooner than later...and if you want to stand up again. Now that you have disclosed more of his struggles, I would say...that no matter what YOU do, it is HIM that needs to work on things and you won't be able to do it for him no matter how hard you try. He knows that you are there. And if you decide to still check on him from time to time, because it's REALLY necessary, that's up to you, but I would only do this while I know fully well, that he is not going to change in any way unless HE chooses you. You are right, he is in a destructive path, and he does need help, but since you have feelings and expectations, you also need to take care of you or nobody else will. He needs some time to heal and so do you. You will never know what lies ahead of you unless to let go friend...for whatever time you can... Thank you for sharing. I will try to come back again later this week. You will be okay. As you ponder upon this, please remember to take care of you and don't let anyone hold you back...if he is able to change, he has to get there by his own choice, don't forget that. You can now choose what to do with your next. Talk to you later...
I won't be able to write much, but here I am.
I had my first break-up talk with Mr. Taurus and he is not giving up...it was really hard because he keeps on trying, but at least I was able to let things out of my chest so he can be prepared. I just don't want to hurt him much. I know all break-ups are hard, but as I've been growing up and maturing I really want to be considerate in the way I bring hard news...I am trying my best to let him understand and let him go without much hurt. I am sure we will have a second talk soon.
Anyway, as far as you friend, I read all the messages... First of all, you did your best, you truly gave things a try. He kept on showing you the same behavior...I know it must hurt...but I think it's time to let go. You couldn't have been more upfront, caring, and honest. In order to have peace, now its time to take care of what is within you...that is the only way to go if you really want to feel better sooner than later...and if you want to stand up again. Now that you have disclosed more of his struggles, I would say...that no matter what YOU do, it is HIM that needs to work on things and you won't be able to do it for him no matter how hard you try. He knows that you are there. And if you decide to still check on him from time to time, because it's REALLY necessary, that's up to you, but I would only do this while I know fully well, that he is not going to change in any way unless HE chooses you. You are right, he is in a destructive path, and he does need help, but since you have feelings and expectations, you also need to take care of you or nobody else will. He needs some time to heal and so do you. You will never know what lies ahead of you unless to let go friend...for whatever time you can... Thank you for sharing. I will try to come back again later this week. You will be okay. As you ponder upon this, please remember to take care of you and don't let anyone hold you back...if he is able to change, he has to get there by his own choice, don't forget that. You can now choose what to do with your next. Talk to you later...
Posted by everevolvingepithet
He's a cokehead ?
I'd be wary.
I wouldn't perhaps call him a cokehead. I think he's recently started taking this occasionally when he's back from the war for a few weeks. I know it's not good and I'm worried that he might feel he needs it as it gives that false confidence and energy.
I've read that a lot of soldiers in the Middle East take this to self-medicate. I find it so sad that they do not get the help they really need!
Posted by MissV123
Sunnycap,
I won't be able to write much, but here I am.
I had my first break-up talk with Mr. Taurus and he is not giving up...it was really hard because he keeps on trying, but at least I was able to let things out of my chest so he can be prepared. I just don't want to hurt him much. I know all break-ups are hard, but as I've been growing up and maturing I really want to be considerate in the way I bring hard news...I am trying my best to let him understand and let him go without much hurt. I am sure we will have a second talk soon.
Hi MissV
These talks are never easy, and being kind and considerate like you are, it's difficult to say it without causing any hurt. I think the way you're doing it is the best way; To tell him gently how you feel to prepare him, rather than just blurt it out in one go. It gives him time to adjust to the possibility of you two not being together any more.
I wish you all the best with this and hope it goes well.
Posted by MissV123
Sunnycap,
Anyway, as far as you friend, I read all the messages... First of all, you did your best, you truly gave things a try. He kept on showing you the same behavior...I know it must hurt...but I think it's time to let go. You couldn't have been more upfront, caring, and honest. In order to have peace, now its time to take care of what is within you...that is the only way to go if you really want to feel better sooner than later...and if you want to stand up again. Now that you have disclosed more of his struggles, I would say...that no matter what YOU do, it is HIM that needs to work on things and you won't be able to do it for him no matter how hard you try. He knows that you are there. And if you decide to still check on him from time to time, because it's REALLY necessary, that's up to you, but I would only do this while I know fully well, that he is not going to change in any way unless HE chooses you. You are right, he is in a destructive path, and he does need help, but since you have feelings and expectations, you also need to take care of you or nobody else will. He needs some time to heal and so do you. You will never know what lies ahead of you unless to let go friend...for whatever time you can... Thank you for sharing. I will try to come back again later this week. You will be okay. As you ponder upon this, please remember to take care of you and don't let anyone hold you back...if he is able to change, he has to get there by his own choice, don't forget that. You can now choose what to do with your next. Talk to you later...
Thanks for your reply, MissV.
You could now say that I've seen all of his sides, and I think I might be the only one of the women he's been with to have seen everything up close. And I still care deeply about him. It must be true love from my side!
I really worry about him and wish I could help him, but I know that this is something he has to sort out himself when he's ready. It really hurts me to see him this way, because to me it seems like a cry for help. I don't think he knows how to deal with the emotions and scars he has on the inside, so he self-medicate to numb it all down. As I said in my reply to everevolvingepithet, I've read that a lot of service men in the Middle East is doing this to help with the trauma of war.
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