My virgo mom won't stop judging me (Page 2)

I address OP3 ... hades is just an arguement he's trying to make happen.

If you hate the color blue, and your partner bought you a gift that was in the color of blue .. and upon giving you this gift, they are obviously excited about it .... who do you think this gift was actually for?


do you think it was for you to enjoy (the color you hate)?

or do you think it was for them to feel nice in giving you something (something of no meaning to the reciever)?

lol @ most of your post. I'm not saying to do any of that. I repeat, I understand the concept of tough love. And oh yeah, I sure do believe that people come in here to be petted and told everything is going to be okay. 9 times out of 10 the original post will not include all the juicy details that would allow people like us to easily show them the error of their own ways. It all reminds me of any episode of The Dog Whisperer in fact. Where every stinking dog owner thinks that their dog's bad behavior is the dog's fault and wants to take no credit for not exercising the canine or for comforting the dog when the unwanted behavior is being displayed therefore telling the dog it's okay to act like that. It amazes me, sincerely. That's why in that other post I wanted to know exactly what things were said between the Leo and Virgos. I bet that would've shed some light.

All I'm saying P is there's tough love and telling someone what they "need" to hear vs what they want to hear, and then there's over the top rude, belligerant, downgrading, attacking etc. and everything that is the opposite of the golden rule. You feel me?

Posted by OP3CRIMSIN
What if it all backfires? You said a Virgo can't be reasoned with. At that point what's to say the mother won't see the error of her ways? And even worse, what if she strikes in vengeance at the child? You'd risk all of this vs just keeping lines of sommunication open with the direct problem and just trying different angles and approaches?

If the teen goes to an Aunt to talk to about her problems, and it backfires as you call it, which actually means the mother becomes so outraged that she wants to hurt the teen .. then I think the solution is to commit the mother into a mental health center.

Posted by AiryBri
She drives me nuts. She never listens to what I tell her. I am almost always completely honest with her, but she never thinks I am. What are some things I can say to get it through to her that I am being honest or to get her to realize she is judging a situation unfairly?

The mother isnt' the problem in this scenerio ... the problem is that the teen has nobody to talk to that cares enough to guide her .. for when she tries to talk to mother, she gets judged, rather than help.

It could be father, brother, sister, boyfriend .. it wouldn't matter what position was on the other end .... mother isn't the problem, the problem is the teen feeling like she's not being heard.

So, your theory of it actually breaking down communication is flawed ... it's not a breakdown, it's a building up.

She came to the site asking what can she do or say to mom though? She obviously cares enough to want to mend with mother and not go to another. So how can we answer her question? AiryBri can you give us some examples of what you've tried/said and her response?

OP3, why is this obvious to me, and not to anyone else?

You cannot CHANGE a person .. she won't change her mother, you won't change me ... the only way to get mother to take notice is to change the rules.


Nobody can mend their mothers, they can't mend thier partners, they can't mend their supervisors .. she, nor anyone else is going to change this woman by means of trying to "tell" her something, if everything this teen says to her mother, the mother thinks is a lie.



You are just like what I said, OP3, you cannot handle the fact that the Virgo is wrong, so you want to find ways in which the child should mend the bridge that mother broke, because mother is too stuck on her own judgements of the child to get past herself to even realize the bridge is broken.


And that is probably the real issue here with mother, isn't it?

Mother doesn't even have a clue that she herself has broken any bridges of communication, and likely thinks the bridge is firm, based on her own ability to judge.

A Virgo cannot be wrong .. absolutely cannot.


And that isn't the other persons responsibility to be accountible .. it's yours. It isnt' the childs responsibility to mend you ... if what is broken is your own inability to step down from your self-righteous when you have erred.

The Virgo would defend itself by making the claim that they are there to give good, sound advice, they are there to look out for the best interest of the child, they are there to protect and serve the child .... now, if the Virgo isn't doing those things, yet, thinks they are .. then how do you propose in telling them that?

hum?

If you think you are, then how are you suppose to listen to reason?


But ..... if the person you think you are taking care of doesn't value your input, and goes to another .. don't you think that would make you wake the fuck up and look at the reality of the situation, rather than the illusion you've submerged yourself in?

Okay. I see your point. You're right there. Definitely not the child's responsiblity, especially if previous efforts have all been met with the same response. Guess I was wrong about that.

One day you will be like the rest, OP3 .. and will strike out at me with everything I say, no matter what I say .. you will have this judgement stuck in your head ...


.. look around you ... you will be just like them one day ...



And I will point you to this thread, to show you that once the Virgo makes a judgement, all reason, sensibility and logic doesn't exist and hell would freeze over before you changed.

Isn't the point of life to progress? I feel I am progressing forward and I wouldn't say I've been plagued with a being right all the time complex. If I'm wrong I'll bow to who's right. You say all virgos have a serious problem with that? I hope I continue to progress and not regress in life.

Posted by P-Angel


.... you will find people not even acknowledging the positive responders, except to say thanks, sometimes not even that ... yet, will barrel down hard on the negatives.

so, who do you think actually has their attention? Which one is actually getting through enough to make the person hear something other than being coddled? You are a fool indeed if you think that being hugged during a crises helps you have realization to the events that just took place.

Look at just this thread ... you will find two people (hades and whimsy) who completely avoid any positive input to only acknowledge what they consider to be a negative force, by means of trying to suggest that they are a positive.


Which energy got their attention?

did they even offer a smidgeon of aid to the person needing help?

Nope, but, they sure had derogatory comments to me because they didn't approve of what I said.



Reminds me of Democrates, actually .... they bitch about the Republicans decisions, while never offering any solution.

I hope so for you too.

Well it's a pleasure to meet you P. Now you know a Virgo that doesn't have to be right all the time 😉

Still open forum?Just checking.Maybe AriyBri can write her mom a letter explaining how she feels,what she wants,what she needs from her and what hopes for their relationship,also include questions as to what her mother is worried about.Being that AiryBri is about to leave home,mother is probably scared what she is facing and won't be nearby to help.It is like when a mother stands at the bustop at the first day of school and her child climbs on the bus without looking back,except that this is the first day of her daughters' new life.Mother isn't there to wipe her face at lunchtime or to make sure she gets all the crayons she needs.Only now she won't be there to see that she has all her textbooks or that her new co-workers will be helpful to her.Growth is good.

Hmmm,I missed the memo where we are suppose to poll everyone who comes in here to deciede who is right and who is wrong**looks through piles of papers**still didn't find it.Ha,a Virgo with piles of papers,funny.So here we are with P.A. exploring all types of topics,breeding Virgos,robots,the color blue,Republicans and refusing to acknowledge anyone who has a different experience or opinion than hers or even***gasps***,a Virgo mom.

It may be egotisical on my part to keep posting,but exactly who again appointed P.A. to generalize about and to pretend to manage Virgos?I mean was it by certified mail,a text an email,what?***sigh,**I guess I missed that memo also.

But before I made that last comment,I think P.A. was warning up to me,quoting my words and phrases,12:47,para#2,1:19 para#2.When this is all soon forgotten ,I bet she'll use some of my phrasing-"planted the seed",heh heh.

@CancerMoon -You have good insights and are well spoken about them.Sorry to about your experiences.When you were saying about your friends and their moms,IMO ,I think it's a generational thing,before woman didn't have as many options as they do now,so before when a woman got the mom label it stuck.Her life belonged soley to her family.Now,you hear about so many "run away" moms,woman itching to return to their days of lesser responsibilties.I'm not saying that they don't love their children ,but it a lonely life ,when they are up all night with a pucking child....Just a thought.

@Whimsy -You are one smart Gemini.You haven't missed a trick.But you are daughter,so that counts for a lot....

@Hades - Glad to meet you.To answer-"what the fark?",I just wasn't in the mood to back down.

@OP3C - I'm glad that you threw your hat in as well.You have such a diplomatic way with words.Points well taken.

I don't mean to offend anyone and I've appreciated everyone's input, but what P-Angel has been saying has helped me figure out how to cope with my mom, even though she's been a bit ... er well ya lol, I still appreciate what she's said.

Back to the topic, my mom is hyper-critical and extreme. The more I pay attention to what she says to me in conversations, the more I realize how much she influences or at least tries to influence, my own opinion on myself negatively.

For example, all this drama happened when I moved to a new town, and it resulted in me being enemy number one of my senior class. I didn't tell my mom the full story for months because I didn't want her to judge it. One night I finally broke down, crying, and told my mom everything. She responded with:

"Almost everyone in your senior class hating you is your fault because you don't know how to communicate."

I KNOW the things she is telling me... but she doesn't tell me how to improve... she doesn't tell me anything positive... she just looks for the negative and makes me feel worse and worse. And she sides with complete strangers. She sides with anyone over me, and it makes me feel really alone.

I think I am going to continue talking with my mom, but start to be emotionally detached from the conversations... continuing our relationship at all will be more for her then for me. A lot of the shit she says is just to make me feel like I was in the wrong somehow so I'll always keep running back to her. But I'm not going to put up with that anymore. I have an amazing basketball coach who I spend more time with anyways, and I already confide in her just as much as my mom, so I suppose I should look to her for the relationship I won't get from my mom or the rest of my family.

It might help to know, my mom is a psychologist. She treats me more like a patient then a daughter, and sometimes I just need a mom.

Posted by AiryBri
It might help to know, my mom is a psychologist. She treats me more like a patient then a daughter, and sometimes I just need a mom.

This sound like the heat of the problem more than that she is a virgo it is this right here^^. A lot of psychologist are know it alls and holyer than thou. It doesn't matter what sign they are psychologist are like that yeah this could be a real issue humm I suggest get an emotional outlet for now that you could talk to.

Posted by VulcanLass

... AiryBri is about to leave home,mother is probably scared what she is facing and won't be nearby to help.It is like when a mother stands at the bustop at the first day of school and her child climbs on the bus without looking back,except that this is the first day of her daughters' new life.Mother isn't there to wipe her face at lunchtime or to make sure she gets all the crayons she needs.Only now she won't be there to see that she has all her textbooks or that her new co-workers will be helpful to her.

How sad for mother ... hoping that one day mother realizes it's not about her feelings.

Posted by AiryBri

"Almost everyone in your senior class hating you is your fault because you don't know how to communicate."

That is very unfortunate .. everybody communicates differently. I see why you don't want to talk to her.

I'll bet you everybody in your senior class doesn't hate you, AiryBri .. I'd be willing to wager that you just think they do because she has made you diffident ... you are so used to being hesitant about speaking out, that it's probably a fear that alters your communication, rather than a lack of skill ... because what you wrote in here sounded just fine. You seem to posses good communication skills.

Posted by AiryBri

I have an amazing basketball coach who I spend more time with anyways, and I already confide in her just as much as my mom, so I suppose I should look to her for the relationship I won't get from my mom or the rest of my family.

click to expand

That's great .. if the coach cares about how you feel and understands you then you should probably listen to her because she has your heart in mind when she gives you advice.

You know, maybe you should start a diary to get everything out .. you don't have to share the contents with anyone except yourself .. sort of your handbook of experiences for yourself, for when you need to vent off, or if you need to listen to yourself for reassurance when you are feeling stronger.

@VL: Hi.. when things heats up nobody wants to back down but at least you reflect and cool it off... that's good

@AiryBri: I'm sorry I wasn't following your thread in the beginning... the time i came in is when the shit turns macabre... and got carried away partying for awhile.. LOL

Glad to see that at your age you've been very mature in your thoughts... No doubt PA has a good intention, just like the rest in here who gives you input... and your mom too... but getting hostile on others' comments is a different story...

Now everyone have different ways to convey their feelings... but parents definitely want the best for their kids... Sadly the way your mom doing it doesn't mesh with your style ... lack of trust...

Sorry about your dad... and I see your mom loses her job? Pretty much going on in there... Single parents bringing up three children wasn't easy... and with her job gone... she's having a tough time... and incline to display her negative traits more... Getting stringent, more controlling and being a worry freak.... she wants the best behavioral out of her kids...

i've never deal with Virgo mom so I don't have the best approach... but continue to stay out of trouble and making her proud to gain her trust, and crack a joke during conversation should be able to loosen up the strain...

imo, stop talking to her will only build up doubts and suspicion... probably jealous too...

hades

VulcanLass- Thanks!

OP3- You're Cool

P-Angela- I've always thought you're a smart lady and thought the initial advice you gave was really good. My only beef was that you wouldn't allow other people(especially people with Virgo mom experience, as I said) their own opinions.

AiryBri- I'm glad you're finding someone to talk to. It will help make the situation with your mom more clear in your mind and might lead to a better understanding of how to approach her.

Thanks, I'm cool! AiryBri you could use the fact that your mom is a psychologist to your advantage. A good psychologist is a good manipulator, but for the good. By this I mean they don't give direct advice on situations, rather they lead the reigns of you exploring your own psyche to eventually uncover "aha" moments. If she is indeed adpoting the role of psychologist rather than mother, listen to what she has to say. Their words will literally lead you in the direction of uncovering things about yourself that you didn't know, if you're open and in tune to learn. I just pray her intentions are true to form. I know she cares, in a cut and dry way but it should be there.

I don't give a fuck what opinion an abuser has, Whimsy, the abuser can voice an opinion all they want .. I do care about projecting this onto a child. Comprehend the difference. If the abusive parent comes in here to tell the child that this is acceptable behaviour of the mother ... then I'm not going to ignore this.

You can ignore it if you like, so that you have a chance to tell me I'm wrong ... afterall, we wouldn't want you to tell me my opinion is wrong of vulcan now would we, because then that would mean you did the exact thing that is your beef .. and we can't have any awareness of that.

Vulcan, along with CancerMoon would tell this girl to bend over and grap her ankles because a mother treating the child that way is life .. deal with it.

And I'm right here to tell them they should never breed, because they are women who would abuse their children because they don't know that behaviour is wrong.

@AiryBri - Senior year in a new school,that's a tough one and you having to navigate around it.It is good that you have someone that you can lean on.Everyone needs that.I'm glad to know that you have found a way that works for you to deal with your mom.Yes,it is ironic that she is a psychologist.I know your busy and all,but there are a couple of books by Susan Forward that deal with relationships,one is for families and the others deals with everyone else that you have interaction with,I think one title is Toxic Parents.They are old but they you deciede where and help to keep your boundaries drawn.Good Luck with everything.

I would like to hope that you had a desire to hug your children today, vulcan

**hands P.A. a dry towel*** your frothing at the mouth again....it gone from "ignore her" to this.Projecting words and thoughts about what CancerMoon and I already stated.It is untrue and distressing ,really.

***Big sigh***oh silly P.A.,I already have children.Now you've gone from pretend therapist to pretend gynecologist.

Commentary on my alledged parenting style ? Wipe the seaweed out of your eyes to re-read my posts yet again and try to comprehend the words written there.Not what you THINK they mean,after all clear communication is key.

That's the thing though, I know not everyone hates me. I have friends — but only a few, because everyone else believed rumors and other shit, and they would have never been worth my time. My mom assumed that and that it was me not being able to communicate my feelings towards them that had caused me to break down — but it was really not being to communicate with her that had done it. That and this crushing feeling that came with realizing my entire family hated me because of her??_ that my closest friend here might be moving away ??_ the anniversary of my best friends death (who died last year.. yay my life) and the basketball season nearing an end. It was too much, and I was trying to explain all this to my mom but instead she just jumped to conclusions??_ she made my problems different then they really are, and she made it all out to be my fault when I know it wasn't.

I can follow her psychological train of thought. I know why she thinks I do what I do, because I am very self-aware of my actions. But she gets it wrong. She always does. She doesn't ever believe me when I am being honest, because she is always looking to make problems different than they really are, deeper, something she can 'tell me' about. This is why I don't like to communicate with my mom anymore, because then if she gets it wrong, at least it's not because she refused to believe me.

Posted by kstarks2

Posted by hades
Single parents bringing up three children wasn't easy... and with her job gone... she's having a tough time... and incline to display her negative traits more... Getting stringent, more controlling and being a worry freak.... she wants the best behavioral out of her kids...

You know what, children didn't ask to be here... therefore whatever the circumstances (loss of job, loss of family member,etc) should not be the reason you take out your frustrations on them and treat your child negatively. That's emotional abuse...If this becomes the case then the PARENT needs to seek help. Her mom needs to be this board titling her thread "I can't stop judging my daughter" NOT the child trying to cope with her mothers nonstop condemning.

Posted by hades

i've never deal with Virgo mom so I don't have the best approach... but continue to stay out of trouble and making her proud to gain her trust, and crack a joke during conversation should be able to loosen up the strain...

imo, stop talking to her will only build up doubts and suspicion... probably jealous too...

hades

So she (Airybri) has the be the mature adult and her mom is the child?

Crack a joke? What is funny? This would probably make her mother MORE upset..smh.

click to expand

kstarks, you speaks your frustration you experienced in YOUR mom... my elaboration on AiryBri's mom behavior seems to bother you... and you think I speak for her mom and the child should cope with her mother which is not true...

unlike you, I'm looking into the problem objectively cuz i don't go thru the shit you did... my drawback is i don't feel the pain as much as you did doesn't mean i agree with what her mom did....

if the child is not wrong then the parents should take the blame? are you saying someone GOTTA take the blame when something unfavorable happens? yeah that's how life is and problem never seems to end... now look, the 'emotional abuse' seems to work for the other 2 siblings; 2 votes against 1, so should you be saying AiryBri is wrong? NO... their style just doesn't mesh...

there are no rules or specs on how a person should behave regardless of their roles... but the conscientious of the majority is always correct?

so you're going to change the answer to 'YES, AiryBri found guilty' for the question above? love it when I got your mind so fucking messed up right now.... haha

You said her mom needs to seek help, stop emotional abuse, blah blah blah... so HOW are you going to do that? look at your post and think about your contribution and start looking at the root of the problem for SOLUTION...

if crack a joke doesn't work then scrap the idea... i'm not against it... as i stated it wasn't the best approach...

hades

@AiryBri...I have friends -but only a few, because everyone else believed rumors...and they would have never been worth my time.##You're smart enough to realze who hasn't stepped up to get to know you.Their loss.Hang in there.Senior year is almost over.You'll probably never associate with these people again.
.....My mom assumed... it was me not being able to communicate my feelings towards them that had caused me to break down — but it was really not being to communicate with her that had done it. That and this crushing feeling that came with realizing my entire family hated me because of her.##That's cruel.Maybe there's a part of you that reminds her of your father.Be proud of that part of you.It still doesn't stop the hurt though.
.....that my closest friend here might be moving away ??_ the anniversary of my best friends death##I'm sorry to hear about that.I have a clue about that,I've lost people near me as well.Had you thought about joining a grief recovery group,not to"fix" you but have some people that can relate to you.There should be some good online sites(The United Way has good resources)so you won't have a confrontation with her about going.-My friends set a plate for their deceased mother on her birthday and have put messages in a balloon and sent it off...Everyone grieves differently....
.....I was trying to explain all this to my mom but instead she just jumped to conclusions??_ she made my problems different then they really are, and she made it all out to be my fault when I know it wasn't.##that isn't good at all.Keep talking to your coach...
.....She doesn't ...is always looking to make problems different than they really are, deeper, something she can 'tell me' about.##It's like she is trying to tell you what feelings that you should have as opposed to the feelings you really have.My daughter(Fire sign) suggested that you write to her so she has to see/digest your thougts and feeling as they are.
This is why I don't like to communicate with my mom anymore, because then if she gets it wrong, at least it's not because she refused to believe me.##This is perfectly understandable.No one should be chewed up and spit out for no good reason.Your heart is not there for target practice.Good line about "needing your mom rather than a psychologist",those words just might reach her,they are true and right to the point.Good Luck

Hi. I also have a virgo mom. She is awesome and the best mother one could hope to have.

A strong and independent woman, she is also a caring mother and wife. Always giving herself up for her fmaily she was never unfair or putting her feelings above that of her family.

Reading the bad experience AiryBri and kstarks2 have makes me believe that the lack of appropriate parenting might be less of a Virgo thing than a human thing in general.

My mother is a critical virgo, yes, but I always perceived it as helpful rather than detrimental. I guess this is due to the fact that the criticism is always couples with signs of affection. Whenever I would come home crying and upset about something my mother would not comfort me. She would tell me to stop crying and be strong and solve my issues. She would point out my mistakes. I believe this prepares a child to go out there into the world and be strong. It teaches one to be a fighter rather than a victim. But of course this type of tactic has to be carefully counterbalanced by motherly affection otherwise it will come across the wrong way.


AiryBri, talking to your mother and letting her know what is up is what I would advise. I would confront her with all the things that have passed through your mind and also what you have chosen to pick up from this thread. I think there is a lot of insight here. You mother might not accept or react to it positively but she will think about it and it might help.

Crazy Virgo Moms may be common.. but that doesn't make it right. A Virgo is a Virgo indeed... but at some point, MOTHER should trump VIRGO... otherwise, the child will not get what they need and deserve from Mom, and will likely grow up to perpetuate a similar cycle, cuz it FEELS "normal" to them.

I have a wonderful Mom.. a Virgo who also THINKS like a Virgo (Mercury). Fabulous woman, but of course can never be wrong and will exhaust one's attempts to prove otherwise. Maybe her Taurus Moon helped mellow her out and make her loving as a parent, though it sure doesn't help with the stubbornness haha Or her Libra Venus -- loves to love, to connect to others in a profound way. Or her Sag Mars... hates limits, a fighter for the underdog, truth and justice, will assist anyone who feels put down or restricted.

She's critical, points out flaws to "help" and often, "robotic" about (other people's) emotions, like Spock or Data saying, "Does not compute. Please reiterate." I recall that in second grade when I came home crying buckets about an older girl on the playground saying she didn't like me, my Mom approached it logically, pointing out that I didn't even know the girl... but when my tears didn't stop, she gathered me into her arms and just rocked and held me while I cried it out, which was all I needed. To be HEARD, to be VALUED, to be LOVED.. So I think (with my Mom at least) the "robotic" urge kicks in first when it comes to dealing with another's emotions... but then her MOTHERING would see that logic wasn't helpful or needed, and override to straight up love, no matter how "illogical" or how little a hug could possibly help "fix" the issue. She was mother enough to see that the original action (the girl being rude to me) was unimportant.. the ONLY important thing was that I was hurting and needed her comfort, which she gave. I DID learn one thing with my Mom.. to not take it personally that her first knee-jerk reaction would usually be logical and devoid of emotion. Wait a moment, let her shift to Mom Mode.. there we go.

My Mom's not perfect, to be sure.. she has other issues and actually now struggles with depression.. most of which I feel certain is caused by her inability to constructively deal with emotions, esp her own. But as a Mom... she put loving us first, and her OWN wishes and agenda last.

Looking at some of you.. I got LUCKY that my Mom actually wanted to be a Mom to her children? EVERY child should be so lucky.

I posted this a year and a half ago:

Posted by Nefer
I'm a Pisces daughter with a Virgo mother.

I LOVE my Mom, make no mistake about that. But honestly, I only partially understand her, and she doesn't understand me at all. Makes a valiant effort to -- or maybe just gave up trying to understand and/or change me... and now just accepts me.

She's logical; I'm emotional. She's practical; I'm intuitive. She's rigid; I'm adaptable. She's uptight; I'm easy-going. She's judgmental; I'm accepting. She's critical; I'm compassionate. She's a skeptic; I'm open-minded. She's proper; I'm improper. She worries about what people think; I couldn't care less. She's modest; I'm proud. She's sensible; I'm crazy.

We're polar opposites. But I'm lucky she was a very good and loving mother, even if her oldest child completely baffled her. 🙂

LOL Still true.