~Emotions~

Theres so much going on in my head lately and I'm exhausted thinking about my feelings...
We have established that Aquarians do indeed have feelings and emotions but its our attitude to feelings and emotions that can set us apart from other signs.

My mum had an episode the other night because my little brothers friend broke the fridge door (was over stacked with juice bottles and the fibreglass was weak) anyways when my mum has a tantrum she goes apeshit with screaming and Its pretty traumatic when its directed at you but even though I didn't break the fridge whenever she is stressed out and has to vent there is something inside her like her "shadow self" and it comes for me (not my brother or his friend but me) lol like it really comes at me with fangs and claws and I think she must have has post natal depression when she had me because she tried to commit suicide when she had my older brother and growing up with a single mother of 3 being the middle child you tend to cop a lot of shit which I did

So anyways my brothers friend breaks the fridge and she goes apeshit screaming at everyone to get out of her house and then the next day she writes this huge letter that brings up the past and I have issues with the past, I've only just recently came to terms and accepted high school and primary but mum writes me this nasty fucking letter that had absolutely nothing to do with the fridge being broken which had absolutely nothing to do with me and it drove me crazy like I had gone through a set back in life and I don't know how I feel or how I should feel about it I can just sense impending doom and its raining on my parade, I feel trapped and sick and usually when my backs against a wall I can usually sense when shit is about to hit the fan.....The thing is I see people losing their shit all the time and it disgusts me that parents scream at their children like children and behave they way they do.....growing up with an abusive mother and father who would always throw plates and slam kitchen cupboards can make you timid and pretty scared towards domestic violence I just wish we could control our emotions and not be so emotional all the time because I've done it all my life and tried to always be above it all but now it feels like my mind is splitting and my subconsciousness "shadow self" hates me and pokes fun at me and tries to make me lose control and its a chore trying to maintain my piece of mind...

I just needed to get this out there.

Wow. Reading this feels like I'm reading my diary. I'm also a child of a single mom of 3, but I'm the youngest child. I think my mother may be bipolar, she has a need to take out her anger on anything vulnerable around her no matter what is. My sisters told me a story how when they were younger (12-14) one night she came from work and saw that there was dirty dishes in the sink, and threw a fit and broke every single plate in the house, and made them clean up the mess. My mother likes to get angry, yell, stop for a bit and then get angry and yell again. The longest she's some this cycle when it was directed at me was two hours. She's verbally abusive to everyone, including her stepmother, a very elderly woman who lives with us, and had told her that if she falls and breaks her hip she won't take her to the hospital and will just pick out her casket instead, calls her stupid; Everyone has tried to talk to her about how she treats her stepmother, but she feels like she's not doing anything wrong because she took her stepmother in when her own grandchildren didn't want to take her after her son(my moms half brother) died, so she's a saint. My sisters and my father have told me to just suffer it out until I go to college, which I will be attending this fall.

My mom has control issues, when I had to go to the hospital for unrelenting headache that lasted a week my hospital bill was thousands of dollars. Now whenever I have a runny nose she complains about how much money she had to spend on me and I better not get sick but then pushes me to go see the doctor. I'm not allowed to leave the house except for school, school related events or volunteer work. An example of how extreme this rule is that one time I was going to take the trash out because it had been there for two days and the apartment smelled terrible, but as I was leaving she came home and cussed me out, and told me someone would have killed me and throw me in the dumpster in broad daylight. I feel your pain, I've been struggling with depression for years, I'm hoping that when I move out I can work on my personal issues and get better. Sorry for the long post.

thanks it makes me feel better

There's no easy road through life. All of our moments in time teach us how to become better individuals. But what helps me, and what might help you - is to just let go and love.

You don't need help feeling emotions, feeling love or giving love - you - we, just have troubles expressing it.

Until.

You simply DECIDE you don't.

Let it all out. Let it all go. And just love. Bring yourself to life. Stop letting your ego and logical mind tell you what love is, tell you who you are, tell you how to feel it all and suggest how you should express it. Just EXPRESS it. It's helped me tremendously.

You're only something until you tell yourself you're not.
And you're nothing until you tell yourself you are.

You need to direct all of this at your parents and go back into the emotions you felt as a child going through that shit. Talk to them about it. Feel those ugly feelings, cry it out and release them by talking to your parents and cutting off all toxic people if you have to

you know, it's hard to be with parents like that. it must be mental trauma for them or something.

i dont know, i wouldn't be able to abandon my parents no matter how bad it got. I'll try my best possible way to find help for them, IF they indeed lost their minds. I understand it's different for other children, but i can't do it, i know myself too well. I can move to another country knowing my parents are well and fine while i live out my life with my family.

But again, like i said, it DEPENDS on the children and their dynamics with their parents. If the parents are molestors/cruel /keeps you in the basement and throw scraps (yes this is terrible and extreme) then they are NOT parents at all, but need to be called by the social services for neglect and abuse. (so this is the scenerio of really really terrible parents, i've heard way too many stories. There's that story of the Josef Fritz who hid his daughter for decades and raped her. Yes that is disgusting and abusive. There are all kinds in this world. And honestly many of them never come to light)

besides, in truth, it is what makes us happy in the end, you know? our parents, despite their flaws,(as long as they're not what i said above) we have them too, in loads, and they love us very much - they are the ones who gave us life and raised us. It may not have been perfect but it's the best we'll have and it's the only one we have in this lifetime.