Help - I'm arguing with an Aqua man

I'm new to this, so bear with me. I've been dating my aqua man for 2 years. We bought a house together a year ago. He's not the typical aqua male in that he does communicate a lot with me, but not about things that REALLY matter. If I don't call him after he goes to work, he's calling me by noon wanting to know why I haven't called. He says he likes to hear from me a lot during the day because it lets him know I'm thinking of him. I let him have all the freedom he needs, but lately his social schedule only allows him to be home 2 or 3 nights a week. I've told him that I'm starting to feel very lonely in this relationship, like I am really far down the list of his priorities. He seems to make an effort to accommodate me, and I know that he loves me very much.

Here's my dilema. He knew when he moved into this house that I didn't want to live with a man in front of my child that I wasn't married to. I compromised and let him move in with me. I found out AFTERWARDS, that he had no intention of marrying me for several years. How unfair is that! I feel like I was tricked! I never pushed marriage on him, never brought it up before we moved in, and now I feel like the big idiot for not questioning it more thoroughly beforehand. It seems like every 6 months or so we go through some horribly emotional drama in our relationship that causes each of us to completely dissect our relationship and ourselves, but we always end up back together. He says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but won't actually commit to me. He has a 16-year-old son that does not like him dating ANYONE, including me. He just wants his Dad to get back together with his mom. So my aqua man says he can't get married until his son graduates from high school. I actually got to the point where I accepted this, but then he pulled another hairbrained aqua stunt that really pissed me off, and I told him a week ago to move out. He tried coming back to talk to me after several days, but I am standing my ground. It seems like I'm the only one who ever compromises in this relationship, and I don't feel the need to compromise anymore until I get a commitment from this man.

I'm currently in the phase where I'm getting the silent treatment from him. This is partially due to me not making any effort either. How do I get my point across without pushing him away forever?

Without reciprocity, you no longer have relationship. All you have is a habit.

Girlygirl - your instincts knew the answer in the beginning, you made a choice to not listen. We all do this at some point in time in our relationships. Now, you know the feeling for next time and I am sure you will make a different choice for now....stand your ground sweetie.

"If I don't call him after he goes to work, he's calling me by noon wanting to know why I haven't called. He says he likes to hear from me a lot during the day because it lets him know I'm thinking of him." What this really is - is a form of CONTROL. He is controlling/manipulating you. Also sounds like he is quite insecure with himself - RED FLAG.

"Here's my dilema. He knew when he moved into this house that I didn't want to live with a man in front of my child that I wasn't married to. I compromised and let him move in with me." You made a choice to not honour your own wishes...you gave into his needs and put yourself second. Yes, you did compromise - ask yourself why?

"I found out AFTERWARDS, that he had no intention of marrying me for several years. How unfair is that!" Listen to his words...he is not going to marry you. Did you have an expection that when he moved in with you that he would marry you?


"He says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but won't actually commit to me." RED FLAG - sounds like he has committment issues and this you are unable to change. Why might you choose to be in a relationship with someone who will not commit to you? I'd say bye-bye to that fella!


I am glad to told him to move out, trust youself this time and remember...he is who he is and he has told you - is this what YOU want?

Bestest wishes to you girlygirl

Well....I asked him to move out a week ago, but he always seems to have something to do that prevents him from actually getting out and finding a place to go. One night he didn't come home and I found out he was at a friends house and they said he was so depressed he didn't leave the house all day. The next day he said he went out and started to find a place, but couldn't do it and ended up drowning his sorrows at the bar at 3:00 in the afternoon until the bar closed. It's obvious he's wrestling with his demons right now, but geez.....he needs to get ahold of himself. The way I see it...he's been test driving the car for 2 years now. It's time to sign the contract or leave the car at the dealership. Why is this such a hard decision for him? He either wants to or he doesn't. I don't need to walk down the aisle in the next week....I just need some sign that he's committed to this relationship and has intentions of moving forward when we're both ready. I thought I was ready, but this freakin' ordeal is making me question everything.

BTW, I'm a Libra with my moom in Gemini. He's an Aqua with his moon in Gemini. What exactly does this mean?

Yes..he has been "test driving" the relationship for 2 years but...you have allowed him to. This is your life girlygirl decide what it is you want and keep your focus.

just wondering, as a Libra do you have a bit of a difficult time making decisions?

I don't have both sides of this story, but from what I see he seems to be the only real consistent person in the mix.

He is himself and has certain views on life and marriage that he seems to share with you.

not to sound mean but:

Don't blame him for being himself, you are the only one who can decide who you want to be with. Accept him or deny him, but don't gent angry at him for your decision. you didn't compromise with him on the moving in situation you compromised with your own morals.

now a solution just my thoughts.

Tell him exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, he can either accept this or deny it. Either way he will respect you for your honesty and self awareness. As far as his social schedule I will agree it is a bit much, but Aquarius is all about change and improvement. let him figure out a solution that works for everyone and he will be happy with it.(because he got to make it)

p.s.
every couple fights at least that often (6 months)

just wondering, as a Libra do you have a bit of a difficult time making decisions?

Yep. When I'm mad, I don't have a problem. It just flies out of my mouth..."Get the f** out!" But then after I've had a few days to calm down, I always go back to the old argument of whether or not I really did the right thing, if I am being fair in trying to see both sides of the situation, etc. !

Tell him exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, he can either accept this or deny it. Either way he will respect you for your honesty and self awareness.

Well, last Friday night I decided to just bite the bullet and come right out with it. We were in the middle of "talking" and he was saying that he would do whatever I want...move out, move upstairs, stay. He didn't want either one of us to move out because he loves me so much. Here is our conversation verbatim:

Me: How would it change your relationship with your son if you put a ring on my finger? I know how it would change ours, but I don't see how it would change your son's relationship with you.

Him: You mean an ENGAGEMENT ring?!?!

Me: You don't have to say it like it's a curse word.

Him: I'm not going to stand here and argue with you.

Me: Fine, don't.

I walked out of the room and we haven't spoken since. He took his son out of town for his birthday over the weekend. The morning he left, I awoke to a note on my nightstand that said, "Have a good day. I still love you. I'll see you Sunday." While he was gone, I unloaded my things out of his furniture, and his things out of mine, and started packing for him. He came home Sunday night, he obviously was angry and didn't come speak to me. It's the silence that's killing me. I'm going on about my business, but I HATE this lingering on his part. It's a simple decision to me. Stay and commit, or go in peace.....just do SOMETHING!

"Accept him or deny him, but don't gent angry at him for your decision. you didn't compromise with him on the moving in situation you compromised with your own morals."

Airbender....you're so right. (kicking self in ass)

"Did you have an expection that when he moved in with you that he would marry you?"

Yes, it was implied. Again, I never wanted to be the one to bring the subject up. I'm old-fashioned in that sense in that I think it should be HIS decision. When we bought the house together, he knew that I wasn't open to living with him in front of my son without being married. He said I needed to move in the home first so we could sell my old house, then he would move in when we decided to think about getting married. As we were moving my stuff in the new home, it just didn't feel right to me to have this man making half the payments on a gorgeous home that he couldn't live in. It seemed rather selfish on my part. So I told him that I would let him go ahead and move in then, as opposed to waiting. Then I find out through his friends that he's not getting married until his son graduates. There was plenty of opportunity for him to tell me this BEFORE we bought the house, and BEFORE he moved in. Like I said, I feel like I was tricked.

I'm currently in the phase where I'm getting the silent treatment from him. This is partially due to me not making any effort either. How do I get my point across without pushing him away forever?

personally (being an Aqua female) i would ignore you to, Aqua's know marriage isn't going to make anyone happy and we are a fixed sign, nothing but internal revelation can make an Aqua see it any other way....I don't appreciate being pushed and put out so I'm sure your Aqua is ready to walk, to be put out because he's not doing what another person wants to do or jus getting put out of the house b/c he's not on the same page with you, I mean come on...if I went out of town and came back with my bags packed, I wouldn't even look back, to me you seem a bit selfish and your energy has a loud i'm desperate to get married, i'm sure he's feeling manipulated also.

You said he knew your stance on being married but you allowed him in any way, well thats manipulation, a woman that STANDS for something would not compromise herself but I have a feeling, you hoped he would see how great it was being with you and change his mind, well that blew up and now it's his fault..oh okay 😄

"he knew that I wasn't open to living with him in front of my son without being married. He said I needed to move in the home first so we could sell my old house, then he would move in when we decided to think about getting married."

It seems likes this guy does totally respect your decision and values, just like I said before: he has been consistent. you keep changing the script on him and expecting him to change his values every time you change your mind.

Look he seems like a good guy who really wants to be with you, but no one wants to feel forced into anything.

plus:
this is just a guess, but maybe during that weekend with his son they talked about you and he probably felt good coming home............then he saw you already made the decision as far as him staying or going.

and about his son graduating what is that like a year and a half to go?
sounds kind of insignificant next to a life time together.

Girlygirl no you weren't tricked, you pushed things forward, i'm sure he was fine paying half the rent, you allowing him to move in sent the message that you were okay with him being in the home without marriage.

You heard information second hand, that's so immature, you could have sat down with this man before he moved in and asked him his stance on the marriage issue before you allowed him in the home, your guilt caused this not HIM...I'm not trying to give you a hard time but your emotional and your making this guy out to be the villian, why would a man that you feel manipulated you want to talk to you....if his stance was to wait until his son is grown then thats his choice and decision, you said so yourself he wasn't moving in until (WE) discussed marriage, well you failed to discuss it and allowed him to move in...why are you upset?

Dang Tiki!!!! (snap, snap, snap). U go girl. I love it when someone just tells me like it is. I can relate to that!!!! You know, I'm really not out there desperately yelling "Marry me or else." This all started over something completely unrelated and has escalated to this point. Maybe I should give a little background.

My first husband was an alcoholic (blah, blah, blah). Very abusive, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was the poor sap that didn't have the backbone to stand up to him. It got to the point where he was coughing up blood every morning, and I packed my bags. I finally learned it was HIS problem, not mine. I got a quick 30 day divorce, left him EVERYTHING, just took my clothes and left. 2 weeks after the divorce was final, I learned I was pregnant. Long story short, I had the baby, never got back with the ex. The ex eventually got into drugs, which escalated into meth use and drug dealing. Then he came after me and my son. He kidnapped my son for 3 weeks, all over the news, manhunts, the whole bit. Sounds like a friggin movie, I know. He's now wanted by multiple law enforcement agencies, and has legally been a missing person for 4 years now. Horrible nightmare, but hey, he's gone, it's over, life moves on.

I was single for 10 years before getting involved with this Aqua man. He had to ask me out 3 times before I'd go out with him. I think he just liked the challege at first. It's never bothered me for him to have guys night out. My only rule is that he shouldn't tell me what time he's going to be home because...come on...he's never home at that time. Quit telling me what time you're going to be home, then I won't have any expectations. The other rule is that when the bar closes, your a** better be home. There's never any good excuse for a man in a serious relationship to be out after that.

Last Sunday night he came home when the bar closed....but he brought 2 buddies with him. They proceeded to party into the middle of the night...even after I'd asked his friends to leave 3 times because my son was asleep and needed to go to school the next morning. He told his friends it was his house too, and they could stay.....so they didn't leave. I was sooooooooooo friggin PI**ED!!!! It just threw me back into the days of my marriage where I had NO control over anything IN MY OWN HOME! He admits now it was a stupid, stupid move on his part, he just didn't think it was a big deal at the time.

LOL! I don't mean any harm girlygirl, I sometimes get too passionate about relationships...sorry to hear you had such a hard past with the ex but remember your into something new, enjoy it and keep him out of the house until you 2 can come to terms with one another but it seems living together would be a challenge for you 2...it might not be a good idea to get married until you know he can be sensitive to your needs as a parent.

Seems you 2 still have some issues that need to be approached before living together...good you put his ass out, he seems a bit insensitive like most of us Aquas can be.

He keeps apologizing for what happened....and I truly believe he IS sorry about it. But it just causes this whole issue of the battle of me vs. the bottle and the buddies to come up again. He should have asked his buddies to leave, but I feel like he chose them over me. I've already faught this battle before, and I already know who wins. Not me or my son.

He says he drinks to help him cope with stress and his problems. He's evidently have problems at work that he hasn't talked to me about. He said he knows he's got to do something about his drinking. (Geez....heard that one before.) He's asking me to stick by him through this and he is committed to changing and becoming a better man, and he's also acknowledged that he does a really poor job of letting me know how much he loves me.

My point is....I know this journey of betting alcohol is a long, trying, heartwrenching journey. I went on that journey for 8 years with another man. It just doesn't seem fair of him to ask me to go through all that again when it's clear there's no real committment here. I told him, "I've already done this. I exchanged vows with a man, and I owed it to him to walk through hell with him for those many years. I don't owe that to you, and I'm not sure I can walk down that path again." It would take a serious commitment on his part to make me go through it again. If he's committed, I'll hold his hand through every moment of hell, no matter how long it takes.

"and about his son graduating what is that like a year and a half to go?
sounds kind of insignificant next to a life time together."

Actually, it's 3 years away. But what if I hang in there for the next 3 years just to find out that he's still not ready. I'll be 40 in 3 years, and my son will be 13. I don't want to waste ANYONE's time. You know?

"keep him out of the house until you 2 can come to terms with one another but it seems living together would be a challenge for you 2"

Actually, we live together REALLY well. It's comfortable for both of us. I feel mean telling him to "get out now." Well, not when I'm really pi**ed, I can say it pretty easily then. But I asked him to leave and he's still hanging around. Why doesn't he just go? I'm just ready to move on....with him, or without him.

BTW...I'm glad I found this website. You guys really do help. Feels good to finally vent about it. I haven't even talked to my family or friends about it yet. Not really sure what's happening.

Well Aqua's including myself can be pretty stubborn but the key issue is the drinking, if it truly bothers you then thats a RED FLAG, if he's allowing men to come into the home without any regard for you and your child, that's a RED FLAG. Thank god I have no desire to marry but I can relate to you when it comes to waiting 3 years only to become disappointed b/c he hasn't followed thru with a proposal (well that's one possibility after 3 years).

I feel you shouldn't compromise, if you made it clear that you didn't want to co-habitate before marriage then you should stick with that, the message your sending right now is that your not really serious about what you ORIGINALLY said, if he was fine paying rent without living in the home then you should have either allowed him to continue paying until he got sick of it or find a way to pay the rent on your own and ask him to discontinued taking his contribution towards the rent.

Well he's in the home so now what?? Are you going to have these blow ups for the next 3 years, it's time to relax and let it go until you figure it out for yourself.

"But what if I hang in there for the next 3 years just to find out that he's still not ready. I'll be 40 in 3 years, and my son will be 13. I don't want to waste ANYONE's time. You know?"


-you need to talk with him and tell him exactly that. tell him that you do not want to waste your time or his time any longer, and see what his reponse to that is. you need to make sure you two are on the same page as far as wants, needs, and your future. if you aren't, then you must move on.

Oh, tiki, babe. We're not just renting....we OWN it, together. Both our names on the deed....both our names on the mortgage. I actually accepted that as a huge sign of comittment at the time, and that's what caused me to think he wouldn't really have a problem taking the next step. Am I wrong to think that was a HUGE step towards commitment for an Aqua? Or did he just see it as a business deal? BTW, I'm a realtor, own my own company, and we got an AWESOME deal on this place. Smart money move for both of us.

that is a HUGE step for an aqua, well for anyone really! and i think that it was a huge commitment on his part. and he probably looked at it as that. maybe he just doesn't feel that he has to get married to be committed. there are a lot of people out there that think that way. obviously he has SHOWN you that he is more than committed to you in many other ways. i don't think you need to worry about that...but, if you truly want to get married and it means that much to you, you need to voice that to him and make sure he is on the same page before you continue the relationship.

i know you were probably talking to tiki...sorry, i thought i would just step in on that conversation 🙂

No, please, jump in moonchild. I would love ANY opinion I can get. Marriage is important to me....because of my son. I would like for my son to experience a true family at some point in his childhood. Us living together has caused some confusion for my son. He's always asking me if Tim is his stepdad, and I have to explain "no, he's just mommy's boyfriend." (Knife twisting in my heart) I do take the blame for that one. I just honestly didn't think it would be such an issue, but it's become one. My parenting skills obviously suck! LOL

Like I said, I don't need to walk down the aisle next week. I'm even okay to wait until his son graduates, but I need a sign of good faith from him before I'll wait that long. But when the idea of even a long engagement scares him, makes me rethink how committed he truly is.

i am sure that you love your son and want the best for him, but you should get married because it is something that YOU want to do. as long as your aqua is around all of the time, and is a good role model and influence on your son, i think that is good enough. hopefully as your son gets older, he will realize that!

Okay...house in both your names is nothing to sneeze at and you are an example of a real family, what's real these days? Nothing wrong with wanting more but your not doing so bad girlygirl. Aqua men love security...if you can get a good ebook, google dating without drama and commitmentphobic men, these books are powerful, it helps you to get past some hurdles in relationships...jus a suggestion, I will shoot you the links, they cost a small fee but the money is nothing compared to the information you get out of them.

"Aqua men love security"

Really? Why does it feel like he's running from it then? He's already admitted he's gone too much, and wants to change that. He also says that he knows he needs to work on showing me how much he loves me more. That's all nice to hear, but I guess I'm a little gunshy. I looking for proof now. A sign that he's serious. To me, this should be a compromise. If he's sincere in wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, can't we compromise? I'll wait on marriage until his son graduates, but he needs to show me that my waiting won't be in vain. What's wrong with a long engagement? It appeases me, and he's not putting that marriage rope around his neck before he's ready. Makes sense to me.

Hey moonchild....are you an aqua?

I'm googling that now, tiki. Thanks so much!

no, i am not an aqua...but, i have been dating an aqua for the last 3 yrs.!!!

and trust me, i know ALL about the commitment thing!!!

Moon, are you wanting a committment from your aqua man? How do you deal with the silent periods?

as far as Aquaman loving security I think what was meant is that he feels secure with you.

more than likely you guys knew each other/dated for a long while before you were an Item.
if so: he figured out he can trust you with his love.

then it was another 2 years before you moved in:
he figured out he can trust you with his financial interests.

as far as the next 3 years play it is up to both of you to decide where you want to be individually. If it doesn't match then it may be time to move on.


and as far as your son goes by next year, he will be comprehending life and relationships lot better, he will probably prefer to see his mom dating a guy that is good for her rather than married to someone who is not.

well, my aqua moved across country 4 months ago...and there was no mention of taking me with him or anything. then after a couple of months, he asked me to move out there...so, i told him that i won't move without a commitment first. and now, hopefully that is being worked on 😉

and, i have not dealt with a "silent period" in a LONG time...but, that is probably because we are long-distance! but, ugh...i do NOT miss those silent periods!!!

"and as far as your son goes by next year, he will be comprehending life and relationships lot better, he will probably prefer to see his mom dating a guy that is good for her rather than married to someone who is not."

-exactly what i was getting at!!!

Airbender....anyone ever told you you were smart?

So moon....how long ago did you ask for your commitment?

it's been almost 2 months now...

Moon, what was his response when you asked for it?

he said that he is fully committed and it is only a matter of time...but, he is on the same page as me and we both want the same thing.

What is he waiting on?

Had you talked about it before?

"Airbender....anyone ever told you you were smart?"

I get a lot of people saying that I make sense. 😉

as far as silent periods we Aquarius types like to always be the definition of aloof.
so if we are an emotional wreck or know we will crack our emotional coyness in your presence, then we will wait till our composure is in tack then reappear.

well it seems like you have a better outlook or Idea about what your situation is now.

how do you feel know?

Sorry Typo LOL

How do you feel now?

Oh, airbender. I don't know whether or kiss him or knock the s*** out of him. So, for now, I'll do nothing. I'm getting to the point where I'm at least willing to listen. But I'm not ready to say anything yet. :p

"What is he waiting on?"

-he is waiting to be financially set...and for the "right" time!!!

I don't have to worry about it tonight, at least. It's bowling league (the dorkiest of all of his sporting priorities). I really only have to worry about it on Mondays and Wednesdays. The other nights are booked. See....now I'm getting p***ed all over again. Who has a schedule like that! Tuesdays-bowling, Thursdays-golf (til the bar closes), Fridays-son's games (which I'm not allowed to go to), Saturday-golf (til the bar closes), Sunday-golf (til dark, or the game's over, whichever is later). Everybody loves him, and I feel like everyone else comes first. So be it. I'll do nothing for now.

Moon, I don't know how you're being so patient. What keeps you holding on?

"Moon, I don't know how you're being so patient. What keeps you holding on?"

-i know that in the end it will all be sooooo worth it!!! and i believe in us and have a lot of faith in our relationship...and most of all, I LOVE HIM with all of my heart!!!plus good things come to those who wait 😉

p.s. i really believe that he is testing my independence as well as my patience right now!!!