virgralady
@virgralady
11 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 15 · Topics: 3
Cancer men and commitment phobias? Please help.
Why did you let him move in without a commitment?
Because I'm in a bad financial situation and so is he, so we figured we'd help each other. It was actually his idea.
Haha, I wasn't asking for marriage. I just think that seeing each other for 9 months is long enough to make a commitment, as in, a legit relationship rather than some non legit relation. And we don't sleep in the same bed, lol. Some nights we do, but he wanted his own room. Our relationship is very nontraditional, I just want commitment. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend and know that the energy I'm putting into him is actually going somewhere and means something.
I mean, I get what you're saying starlover. I shouldn't want someone that is so hesitant, but I feel he has his own reason for this and it has nothing to do with me. Him and I are just so perfect for one another; we flow together so beautifully, but I feel he's scarred from a past relationship and it keeps him from moving forward. I feel he's just content in having himself, which I guess should be more than enough of an answer for me, but I just can't seem to let him go. It's ridiculous on my part, I suppose.
Posted by virgralady
Recently, he has moved in. He stated the only reason he was moving in was to help me, to help himself, and so he could be closer to his studio. This was fine and the statement didn't really bother me.
The other night I had brought up to him that if he's living here and we're still "seeing" each other or whatever this thing is, I'd need commitment for my own security.
You pulled a bait and switch!!
He told you specifically why he was moving in.... and you were fine with it. Now, once he's in you ask for commitment?
Nice try, tho. If I was this Cancer I would've lost any trust and would start to distance myself. If you tried to use sex to get me interested again, just like you tried to use a roommate/financial help situation to get a commitment .... I'd bang you a few more times before moving out.
Just because...
I'm satisfied when things are grounded and I know exactly what it is. Is it really that wrong of me to want a relationship with someone I've put 9 months of my life into and they've done the same? I don't think it is, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong for wanting a little security in a relation such as this one.
Posted by shellshockerPosted by virgralady
Recently, he has moved in. He stated the only reason he was moving in was to help me, to help himself, and so he could be closer to his studio. This was fine and the statement didn't really bother me.
The other night I had brought up to him that if he's living here and we're still "seeing" each other or whatever this thing is, I'd need commitment for my own security.
You pulled a bait and switch!!
He told you specifically why he was moving in.... and you were fine with it. Now, once he's in you ask for commitment?
Nice try, tho. If I was this Cancer I would've lost any trust and would start to distance myself. If you tried to use sex to get me interested again, just like you tried to use a roommate/financial help situation to get a commitment .... I'd bang you a few more times before moving out.
Just because...click to expand
Haha, did you not read through this post? It was his idea to move in. We've been seeing each other for 9 months. He throws around the idea of being together, but isn't ready. I was just saying to him that it was difficult to be living together, sleeping together, but no commitment or anything official.
Posted by starlover
..then he isnt ready and you should let me him go to get over his past lover ~ you can let him go ~ we can do anything if we have the right intent
The situation I speak of happened over 10 years ago, he's just scarred by what she did to him.
Posted by virgraladyPosted by shellshockerPosted by virgralady
Recently, he has moved in. He stated the only reason he was moving in was to help me, to help himself, and so he could be closer to his studio. This was fine and the statement didn't really bother me.
The other night I had brought up to him that if he's living here and we're still "seeing" each other or whatever this thing is, I'd need commitment for my own security.
You pulled a bait and switch!!
He told you specifically why he was moving in.... and you were fine with it. Now, once he's in you ask for commitment?
Nice try, tho. If I was this Cancer I would've lost any trust and would start to distance myself. If you tried to use sex to get me interested again, just like you tried to use a roommate/financial help situation to get a commitment .... I'd bang you a few more times before moving out.
Just because...
Haha, did you not read through this post? It was his idea to move in. We've been seeing each other for 9 months. He throws around the idea of being together, but isn't ready. I was just saying to him that it was difficult to be living together, sleeping together, but no commitment or anything official.click to expand
You say all this AFTER he moved in. Why would you let someone move in and sleep with you without a commitment? As a Cancer, I don't like to feel obligated. He laid his cards out on the table BEFORE... you let it all happen then want to complain about your feelz and YOUR decision after setting up house.
manipulative
Unfortunately you won't get a commitment. You knowingly took on a man whose afraid, scared, commitment shy, you willingly went into developing a commitment when commitment wasn't even on the table.
I agree with shellshocker--you bait and switched. You said you were fine with HIS reasons for moving in but realistically you were never completely fine with that which is why you're pushing for a commitment. You are not fine with being in love with a man you're in love with whose not giving you a commitment who is receiving the benefits of a commitment from you.
You're stuck...Eventually he's either going to have to move out or you're going to have to stop giving him a commitment without being in a commitment together, stop the desperate shenanigans you're doing and let the idea of being in a commitment go.
FYI it's ways around getting a commitment shy guy to commit but it's way too exhausting to explain here and it's way too much work, it's a lot of work and energy and work and energy, you can do better.
I agree with shellshocker--you bait and switched. You said you were fine with HIS reasons for moving in but realistically you were never completely fine with that which is why you're pushing for a commitment. You are not fine with being in love with a man you're in love with whose not giving you a commitment who is receiving the benefits of a commitment from you.
You're stuck...Eventually he's either going to have to move out or you're going to have to stop giving him a commitment without being in a commitment together, stop the desperate shenanigans you're doing and let the idea of being in a commitment go.
FYI it's ways around getting a commitment shy guy to commit but it's way too exhausting to explain here and it's way too much work, it's a lot of work and energy and work and energy, you can do better.
Posted by starlover
It's women that want the together forever stuff, not men
Greetings, Starlover.
You might be surprised to know that there are a few of us decent men left out there, but we are totally taken aback by all the trashy women out there. You know, the types that fuck 30 guys a year, drink like pigs, kill their babies (and push other women to kill their babies too), use the word "FUCK" about 10 times a sentence in casual conversation, and have ALL THE MENTAL ISSUES AND BAGGAGE OF AN ENTIRE INSANE ASYLUM because of their choices in life.
The Godless whores out there FARRRRRRRRR exceed the gentle and wonderful ladies worth knowing, which proves to be an inherently difficult struggle for those few of us who want a normal, monogamous and psychologically healthy relationship with a woman.
This whole labelling thing is a bit silly to be honest.. I mean someone saying they are "committed" to you / calling you their other half does not make the process of a break-up any more easier/harder than if u were "undefined".. I mean if marriages can end in divorce (which is more difficult due to the legal things) and people who have been together 5+ years officially also often split so in reality, labels really do mean very little, if anything.
Posted by ScorpioFishPosted by starlover
It's women that want the together forever stuff, not men
Greetings, Starlover.
You might be surprised to know that there are a few of us decent men left out there, but we are totally taken aback by all the trashy women out there. You know, the types that fuck 30 guys a year, drink like pigs, kill their babies (and push other women to kill their babies too), use the word "FUCK" about 10 times a sentence in casual conversation, and have ALL THE MENTAL ISSUES AND BAGGAGE OF AN ENTIRE INSANE ASYLUM because of their choices in life.
The Godless whores out there FARRRRRRRRR exceed the gentle and wonderful ladies worth knowing, which proves to be an inherently difficult struggle for those few of us who want a normal, monogamous and psychologically healthy relationship with a woman.click to expand
Misogynist... smh.
Posted by virgralady
I'm satisfied when things are grounded and I know exactly what it is. Is it really that wrong of me to want a relationship with someone I've put 9 months of my life into and they've done the same? I don't think it is, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong for wanting a little security in a relation such as this one.
No it's not wrong to want a commitment, but it doesn't mean you will get it. It takes two to tango and you shouldn't force him into a commitment he doesn't want. He obviously doesn't want it. Why force him? Then it's fake. Yes, you want him to want it to but it's OBVIOUS he doesn't. Let it go.
Having that label won't change anything about your relationship. Having that label won't mean that tomorrow he will wake up and won't change his mind about being in that commitment with you, because he very well can.
If he were to commit tomorrow it won't change a damn thing about the way he feels about you or how you feel about him. It's only a security blanket for YOU, so you can feel less insecure.
Now why force something if he doesn't want it just for the sake of your security? What's more important? The love you share or your security? You obviously can't have both because he doesn't want the commitment and if you force him into it, you will only make him resent you. Trust me.
you can't force anybody to have a commitment with you
Posted by CluelessCancerPosted by xtinaPosted by virgralady
I'm satisfied when things are grounded and I know exactly what it is. Is it really that wrong of me to want a relationship with someone I've put 9 months of my life into and they've done the same? I don't think it is, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong for wanting a little security in a relation such as this one.
No it's not wrong to want a commitment, but it doesn't mean you will get it. It takes two to tango and you shouldn't force him into a commitment he doesn't want. He obviously doesn't want it. Why force him? Then it's fake. Yes, you want him to want it to but it's OBVIOUS he doesn't. Let it go.
Having that label won't change anything about your relationship. Having that label won't mean that tomorrow he will wake up and won't change his mind about being in that commitment with you, because he very well can.
If he were to commit tomorrow it won't change a damn thing about the way he feels about you or how you feel about him. It's only a security blanket for YOU, so you can feel less insecure.
Now why force something if he doesn't want it just for the sake of your security? What's more important? The love you share or your security? You obviously can't have both because he doesn't want the commitment and if you force him into it, you will only make him resent you. Trust me.
Never force anybody to do anything, but why buy the cow when the milk is free. She has been with this guy for 9 months, that's long enough to know where something is heading.
Girl close your legs, don't cook for his azz, and treat him like a gad damn roommate, he doesn't owe you a commitment and you don't owe him SHEET.
click to expand
+100
I agree with clueless get some boundaries pronto. No cooking, no sex, no sleeping in the same bed, just stop it all and treat him like a roommate.
Just think of it this way. If he observe that you will take less from him and he can still get more for example he still can get the same benefits--sex, cooking, having you when he wants you in any way he wants you then why on earth should he give more of himself when he doesn't have to do that. He can have you with little effort on his part.
Get out of la la land about the years of friendship turning into happily ever after and LOOK at what's really happening in the present. He's not open for a commitment so why are you still trying to get one! He's wasting your time.
It's an ass backwards situation that needs correction and boundaries and you have to correct it and create a few boundaries.
Just think of it this way. If he observe that you will take less from him and he can still get more for example he still can get the same benefits--sex, cooking, having you when he wants you in any way he wants you then why on earth should he give more of himself when he doesn't have to do that. He can have you with little effort on his part.
Get out of la la land about the years of friendship turning into happily ever after and LOOK at what's really happening in the present. He's not open for a commitment so why are you still trying to get one! He's wasting your time.
It's an ass backwards situation that needs correction and boundaries and you have to correct it and create a few boundaries.
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