Do Cancers have trouble letting go......?

First off, I am a female VIRGO. I met a Cancer guy when I was 16 in highschool. We dated and had a pretty intense realtionship throughout college. His entire family loved me. We ended up dating for 5 years and because he cheated repeatedly, I eventually broke things off with him. He cried and begged on his knees for me not to break up with him. I explained to him that I needed to end things #1) b/c of his cheating I didnt feel like he wanted me anyways and #2) I needed to do it for ME...for myself...because he was the only thing that I knew. And I felt that I was incomplete as a woman and needed to grow. I felt that our relationship was hindering me from doing so. So fast foward 5 years (today) and he still emails, still calls, still calls me the pet name he had for me when we where together, still tells me he loves me, and all the while, he has a child now and is raising a family. (but not married) He tells me ALL of their personal business. He tells me about their threesomes and how open their relationship is. And now that she has his child, I asked him if he could see himself marrying her. He says yes. He has been with this same girl every since he and I broke up but has never committed to her. The other day I asked him why he won't commit to her, and his response was: "Because I'm not going to ruin another woman the way that I ruined you. I ruined you and I'm not going to do that again to anybody"
When should a person officially cut off an old love. Just simply stop speaking to them all together? Where do you draw that line? It's like he still has a serious emotional attachment to me...

From the way I see it .. it takes two to tango.

If you ask an ex about personal matters, such as, "why won't you commit to her", and other personal questions .. then in essence, you are actually still attached as well because if you weren't concerned about him emotionally, then you wouldn't even think about him in this context .. his personal life and the way he's handling it, seems to be a concern = emotional attachment.

We all are to certain degrees .. even with friends, we inquire into their personal lives. It appears to me that most people can't really see themselves, in most cases.

Look at how many times in our lives we'll look at other peoples relationships and think, "I'd never do that. Look how he's treating her." And then turn around and enter blindly into a relationship doing the exact same thing? We can see it in others, yet, are completely oblvious to ourselves.

I understand what everybody is saying but I want to make it clear that I have NO NO NO romantic feelings for him whatsoever. He can tell me about his threesomes and it doesnt bother me. Nothing he says to me bothers me because I dont want him anymore. And I havent wanted him for years now. When he tells me he loves me, I never say it back.

So I guess the true question here should be: Is it pretty much a bad idea to friends with your ex? I think that it's disrespectful to her as well. Even though they are not in a relationship. And, yeah I have to take responsibility for that as well. To me, cheating sexually and cheating emotionally go hand and hand. (even though I dont know if you can really call it cheating because she is not his girlfriend, at least in his mind)

And I've told him, whenever (if) I finally end up in something serious, out of respect for that current guy, that I would have to stop communication with my ex. Because I feel that it's simply disrespectful. But it is helping me to see that the decision that I made 5 years ago when I broke up with him....now I see that it was a good decision because he hasnt changed one bit. And he admited that his promiscuity got even worse when he and I broke up.

"P-Angel--->If you ask an ex about personal matters, such as, "why won't you commit to her", and other personal questions .. then in essence, you are actually still attached as well because if you weren't concerned about him emotionally, then you wouldn't even think about him in this context .. his personal life and the way he's handling it, seems to be a concern = emotional attachment."

I can partially agree with you here. I point these things out to him to get him to understand that he needs to treat her better than what he's doing. I point these things out to him to make him understand that he has not grown any as a man. And to make him see that he is doing the same things that he was doing 10 years ago as a young man. I care about him as a person, yeah. How can you date somebody for that long and NOT care. But I don't want him as my man ever again.

It's ok to stay friends with an ex, Southern .. I'm just saying that if you are a participant in discussing personal issues with another person, and both parties talk about their emotional situation, then both parties ARE looking for emotional words to be relayed back, so therefore, both parties are being emotionally dependent on the other to talk to them about their feelings.

It's great that he has a person he can confide in, however, you have to keep in mind that since he's having some hard times right now dealing with his feelings and because you are there for him, allowing him to express .. then this doesn't mean anything except that he's working through some things and he's trusting in you not to take it personally and think that it means more than it does.

Right now, he's working through what has always made him feel, and one of these things is you .. it doesn't mean any more than that. Once he's figured this out, then he probably won't say things like that to you. He's reflecting and expressing how you moved him in his life and what that meant to him.

I tell my dear friends all the time, how they've moved me, touched my heart, don't you? And, I'm not looking for them to think I'm hanging onto them and unable to move forward in my life .. it's just a soul search to see where and why my life is what it is, and I depend on them to allow me to express this without thinking that I'm stuck on them, or an issue.

Why think about him in terms of an old love everytime he tells you he loves you? And whether you should cut him off for it?

I love all my friends and tell them regularly .. it doesn't have to mean anything more than just loving them as a person. Because he tells you he loves you .. you are processing this as it HAS to mean intimately, and it doesn't .. it only means you are dear to him for what quality and awareness you brought to his life.

Personally, I think it's great you have someone to whom cherishes you enough to talk to you about what is important to him. It's been 5 years .. if he was "In Love" with you, do you think he would have waited until now to profess this?

You are reading more into this than what it is .. he trusts you, that's why he tells you things. That's what friends are for .. to trust that you can talk to them about things and tell them you love them and they understand where your heart is.

It won't be much longer before it's figured out.

interesting scenario. Im friends with some of my ex's but the ones that were unfriendly Im not really on friendly terms with. How can you be friends with someone that is doing something you strongly oppose? I'm even friends with my now married exfiancee and we do give each other relationship advice, but Im very respectful of his wife and would just as soon talk to her as him except she doesnt like me, mostly because she's just disagreeable. I always encourage him to work things out with her and when he gets on the "oh I miss yous" or the "what ifs" we usually dont talk for a few months because he needs some time to back up from the line he crossed. Unfortunately I do see that my friendship with that ex offends my current guy so I really havent talked to him since I've been more serious with this guy. I guess that's when folks let go, when the roads part.

Southren how old is this guy? If he is a younger Cancer male, yes, he will hang on but once he finds someone he plans on being loyal to, he will let go. He may not be emotionally mature yet.

"krobe03--->Southren how old is this guy? If he is a younger Cancer male, yes, he will hang on but once he finds someone he plans on being loyal to, he will let go. He may not be emotionally mature yet."

He's 28. He called and texted me the other day for Christmas. Saying "Just wanted to call you and tell you that I love you. And I can't help but think about you during the holidays because we spent sooo much time together. Mama says hello my brother say's hello and everybody else. I love you baby and I hope you enjoy the season"

I even talked to his mom on x-mas day and she laughed and told me that she still has my framed pictures up in her house. And that she doesnt have any pictures up of his current girl who has his child. And she said to me "yeah he mentioned you the other day and said that that the two of you had been talking" and I said "yeah we have, and I don't know if that's a good idea or not" and she said "well you never know what can happen. Never know what fate has in store and right now, he really needs your friendship" (I guess with him being a new father now and with him having alot of internal battles within himself)

ST, i think he needs someone close to him to listen to him n support him... maybe im right maybe im wrong.
But yes..im a cancer as well and i know i can let things go...even love go!
Like Cancerbuddy, if i have no other choice i just let go but doesn't mean that im giving up. And it's hard for me to make friend with the exes.

you still talk with his Mom? Ok Im with whomever said maybe you should be asking how well your sign can let go. I dont think Cancers are going to cut off someone who 1.isnt the person that caused the relationship to breakup and 2.doesnt go away themselves. If you dont want to keep talking with him then you're just as free to let it go as he is.

I am cancer I like to reiterate cancerbuddy's point. It is difficult initially and it takes a lot longer time to let go for a cancer. The best way to get over (If thats what u really intend to do) is to be very straight forward about your intention and stick to it. He may feel bad but believe me, cancerians take dejections with humility when they are given straight on the face. But if you keep stayin touch with him and giving him this unseen hopes, he will never understand that you are over with him.

1st off... I think some cancer men (some, not all)... Have the tendency to have their cake and eat it to.... This guy seems to be one of them...

There are some cancer guys who just don't care about who they are hurting and they are very selfish...

I honestly think he is jut relaying to you who he really is... And in black and white he is never gonna change. He might tell you that he is not in a relationship with this girl but, I guarantee you that he is... She probably was willing to put up with it... Do you honestly think that him not being fatithful to her doesn't bother her? They have a child together... She was probably willing to do the threesomes as his way of being able to have other woman but, it won't end there... for these type of cancer men sex is an addiction...

He's just telling you this is who he is, he knows who he is and he knows he can never be faithful because he wants to have other woman... You know who he is there for he can talk to you... Cancers always stay in there comfort zone...

He probably does love you in his mind... And if he got you back... He'd still be the same person...

1st off... I think some cancer men (some, not all)... Have the tendency to have their cake and eat it to.... This guy seems to be one of them...

There are some cancer guys who just don't care about who they are hurting and they are very selfish...

Dayum, YOU hit this one on the head. I read a book about commitment phobic men and for some odd reason, the Cancer man I met hit the description of a HARDCORE commitment phobic to the TEE!

The reason it says men are like this is because the woman they are with are making them feel "TRAPPED". SO, instead of feeling trapped, they go out and sleep with countless amounts of women so that the woman they are with does not make them feel that they are in a married smothered relationship. They want and seek love, but once you give it to them and act like the "perfect wife/mother/girlfriend that seek out and will leave the woman they are with for months just so that they don't feel smothered. Then the man starts resenting the woman and makes "HER" life a miserable "HELL" for making him feel trapped.

It is "NOTHING" you can ever do to make him feel better, so the best thing to do is stop trying. He is NOT going to change and the woman who he does change for will be the one who doesn't give a "dayum" about him, his needs, his whereabouts. SHe will NOT lay down for him and he will chase her from now until forever and fall in love with "HER" because she is not making him feel trapped.

I am not referring to ALL CANCER men, just the one I have met. And this is not in to particulars of one sign.

The reason it says men are like this is because the woman they are with are making them feel "TRAPPED".

I don't think that's really it... Most of my knowledge just comes with my past experiences and dealing with men period...

I did everything for my X... It wasn't about being smothered I never smothered him ever... In fact when he was out I never checked on him like that. I never called saying where are you, who are you with, what are you doing, when are you coming home... I don't think he would say I was ever smothering to him... In fact after breaking up and I will say the true reason we never worked out was because of his unfaithfulness... As soon as I learned he was cheating and sleeping around... He started emotionally abusing me and then it was physical... And it wasn't till I found out what he was doing... I went in his cell phone because I sensed something going on and then it was you touched my stuff and I disrespected him. His pet pieve because not to go in his phone... Why because that was where the evidence was... So in my mind that was take it or leave it... and after breaking up.... He came back saying how he was a changed man and he had sometime to do some growing up how he was getting older and ready to settle down with me get married that I was the one and I was the only one who ever really took care of him, I was the only one who ever made him happy, and he had no complaints in the bedroom blah blah blah... I went back and I tried to do that he never became abusive again... but, shhhh He still was doin the same ol... I found a hotel room receipt in his car that was purchased by the girl online and found out about another girl he had been seeing for over a year even before we got back together...and of course he tried to be manipulative and say I was the cause of our problems because I went in his phone again lol... I was down grading myself and putting my own self through hell and that's no way to live... I couldn't take it and enough was enough...

On another note...

You always here woman saying all men cheat... and there are a lot out there that do... But take a look at the world around us... The woman out there don't care anymore because they have been hurt enough times and they flip the tables... They don't care if the guy already has a girl or if they are married... Men do it cause they can and half of them get away with it... It's just a dogg eat dogg world...

honeygirl

Maybe I need to give you the name of that book. LOL! Everything YOU just said was in that book about how men blame YOU, say they are going to change, tell you this, tell you that, but AS SOON as you start showing him LOVE again, he will go back off to doing the same thing.

YOU TAKING CARE of him is what the books says was causing him to do it. You were maybe not smothering, but you were mothering him. You were doing "wifely" things for him and that alone made him feel trapped. A commitment phobic man has some DEEP DEEP internal conflicts with himself. However, you acting like a perfect wife, mother, girlfriend to him made him feel trapped and that "trapped" feeling made him run out and cheat on you. It is deep. These men don't think like me and you. You wanted to love him and make him feel your trust, be loyal and dedicated and act "wifely" to him (well not saying YOU in general ANY woman). However, that just triggered his impulses to go out and be with other women so he could not feel like he was just with one woman.

He is very complex. He wants your love, but once you "buy" his self pitying stories and show him love in return, he runs. He is scared, but in truth he really does not want you to act as if you are his wife. That is why you see some men in love with "skanks". A shank does not know how to be a wife. She is into herself and she can give a dayum about what he eats, who he sleeps with, where he is at, she cares about nothing but herself.

Good women are the ones who get used and played on. You cannot be "good" to him. Some men say they want a good woman when it is all said and done, but when the truth comes out, the good woman is always the one who get cheated on and played on because she is doing to much to try to please him. He doesn't want that in his life. He doesn't want you to play wife, he wants you to live in a fantasy world with him and do things that a perfect "wife" would do, but once you do it and he has captured your heart, he is off to the next bigger challenge.

The book is very, very deep but I can tell you one thing, I know how a commitment phobic man thinks and he is COMPLEX! He has two personalities.

Real talk Krobe!!!

"SweetestFatale--->you still talk with his Mom?"

His mom and I are super close. I'm closer to her than I am with my own mother. And when I talked to her x-mas day she said something that bothered me a little. When I mentioned to her that I didnt think it was a good idea for me and my ex to continue being friends she said that there was nothing wrong with it and that she was trying to get HER current boyfriend to understand that. She said that her current boyfriend has a problem with HER being friends with her exes. And it bothered me because back when me and my ex were together, he would always tell me the things that his mother taught him. Stuff like "always have a spare tire.." and "never tell your left hand what your right hand is doing..." And a while after me and him broke up, he said that he never had respect for women because when he was growing up, he saw didnt men in and out of his mom's bedroom. And he started to resent her and women at a young age.

See, he grew up in a single parent home. I grew up with two married parents. And I feel that that is a serious issue when it comes to dating. And I now understand this is part of the reason that he and I did not work out. Doesnt excuse his behaviour, but I do believe that all of us are a product of out environments.

"Honeygirl--->I don't think that's really it... Most of my knowledge just comes with my past experiences and dealing with men period...
I did everything for my X... "


Honeygirl, your story is a spitting image of what I went through with this man. We were young and in college and after he pledged his fraternity, he started getting attention left and right from girls. If I even reached for his phone, the sh*t would hit the fan! But I could tell just by his reactions that he wasn't doing right by me. I found out about a girl and questioned him about it and he even went as far as to punch a whole in my wall because he was upset and mad about my accusations. And I'll be darned if the VERY next day, I talked to this same girl and she told me everything. And then he was crying and begging me not to leave. This went on for a couple of years until I finally ended things.

And that kind of stuff threw me off for the longest. He would do the most f'd up things behind my back and then turn around and act like he couldn't breath if I was to ever leave him.

And yeah his current girl allows their relationship to be open but I keep trying to explain to him over and over, that in HER mind, she is doing these things in the hopes of finally having him to herself one day. And at the same time, now that she ended up pregnant by him, she will be in his life for the next 18 years. It's just weird to me. I asked him how the heck she got pregnant and he said during sex one night she told him that she forgot her pill but she thought they would be fine. And so he didnt bother to pull out. I mean it's like he wants somebody to be there for him without being committed but at the same time he purposely created a situation that would cause her be be around forever. And he told me that with her it's like he has the best of two worlds. He said in her he has ME and he has his bestfriend (guy friend) from highschool/college all in one person. He has both people in her.

and I don't think any of this is "sign" specific. This is more of a gender issue.

"leokitten--->ahem...that was me sf. and i agree totally, with myself and you. i mean come on!!! talking to the guys mom...and complainging about HIS inability to let go. sounds to me like you like the guy hanging on as it gives you an ego boost."

I'm a Virgo. I could give a rat's *ss about ego. Don't have one. Never have. Never will.

"it's getting hot in heeere so take of all your clothes...."

oh...sorry...it's just the temperature was getting a little high in here...made me think of that song 😉

wheres dr phil when u need him? please dont lump all cancers together ladies ......and trust me it definitly isnt gender specific. women play just as must as the men do. i'm a commitment phobic cancer myself......because people dont give a shit about other people.

😢

awww...i care about u angel🙂

no no.... I was frowning because I don't like people hurting you 😢

id rather have some ribs broken than a broken heart........the ribs will heal faster😉

well you've had that....both actually.... and I don't like either...as lady scorp would say...hmph

Yeah I feel you CJ, some people are commitment phobes, not because they cant be committed but because they simply have a mistrust of the ability of others to make a commitment. Honestly Im getting tired of having to prove my ability to make a commitment, but somewhere down the line I realize that he doesnt know me as well as I know me.

Southern, if him and his Mom are screwed up I say let both of them go. It's one thing for you to mention a screwed up philosophy and another to act on it, if he's acting on his mothers screwed up philosophies then it should be a no brainer.

Southern, if him and his Mom are screwed up I say let both of them go. It's one thing for you to mention a screwed up philosophy and another to act on it, if he's acting on his mothers screwed up philosophies then it should be a no brainer.

Yeah, I agree with you on this one Sweets. If he had no respect for his mom simply because she had alot of men in and out of her bedroom, then he basically is saying he "trusts" NO, woman to that matter because he was a witness to his mom's own behavior.

In actuality we (at least I know) it is "hard" to let someone you have been attached to go, I just would not really ever take him seriously or put my heart into him. I would just keep it light and friendly but be distant and aloof.

Astrologically
Cancerian men and women have major trouble letting go. Not just their relationships but people, things, and minor conflicts as well. After a short scuffle they constantly want to dwell on it trying to prove points and the opposition wrong. Even after the matter is done and taken care of thinking about it is a different thing but Cancers like to make a grand show of the whole thing again and again. The whole thing about isolating and crawling back in the shell happens after they have obsessed over a matter long enough.