How do I deal with my Cap being a Mama's boy??

My cap and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and have a 14 month old daughter. He is overall a very good bf/father which is why I Dont want to just give up on our relationship. However, recently he has become a mama's boy out of nowhere and I feel betrayed because I've even caught him lying about it. I Dont know how to talk to him about it because I know how important family is to the Cap.

He's been looking for a house for us to live in as a family. However, instead of asking me to come along, he goes with his mom and aunt because they are helping him financially. Him and his mom have the new house in their name. I found out from another family member the reason his mom wants her name on the house and not mine is because in case we get married and divorced, I won't get a penny. Since the name is in her name and not mine, she already has plans to decorate the ENTIRE house, stay in our guestroom almost every weekend, etc.

The worst part of this all is when I asked my Cap several times if anyone else's name is on the house, he said NO. He outright lied to me which makes me feel like I can't trust him. (Ive told him in the past if i ever caught him lying again, wed be done). They are being very secretive and doing all of this behind my back even tho my Cap says the reason he is buying this house is so we can live together and be a family. I feel like if I forgive him yet again for lying, he will continue to do it.

He was never close with his mother before, so idk why this is happening all of the sudden. I'm guessing it's because of the financial aspect of it since money is important to the Cap. What should I do? How do I talk to my Cap w/o making him feel like I'm forcing him to choose between his mother and I?

His mom is protecting her financial interest. Get over it.

If they get the lone they are responsible for the debt. They are making the down payment and paing closing cost. You have no legal financial obligation. You have no rights to the property. You are not married. You have no legal rights unless you are married.

So. Move in. Be happy. Love mom for helping.

You caught him lying. Why arent you done?

Ohhh. I get it. Empty threats. You lost respect.

Sorry. Not trying to be mean but it pissed me off that you want your name on the loan but you're not putting up any money. You're only a girlfriend, not a wife.

Well, I think you're right about the financial aspect,
but I have no other answers for you, sorry..
I'm just fly-on-the-walling here actually.

But just quickly: did you say the Mothers name is already on the house, or this a future possibility?

Posted by truecap
His mom is protecting her financial interest. Get over it.

If they get the lone they are responsible for the debt. They are making the down payment and paing closing cost. You have no legal financial obligation. You have no rights to the property. You are not married. You have no legal rights unless you are married.

So. Move in. Be happy. Love mom for helping.

Look who is up late and posting after work hours! ^^^^^

Trouble with Aquaman?

J/K 🙂

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by truecap
His mom is protecting her financial interest. Get over it.

If they get the lone they are responsible for the debt. They are making the down payment and paing closing cost. You have no legal financial obligation. You have no rights to the property. You are not married. You have no legal rights unless you are married.

So. Move in. Be happy. Love mom for helping.

Look who is up late and posting after work hours! ^^^^^

Trouble with Aquaman?

J/K 🙂

click to expand

ha ha!

and yeh, I think Capgirl is right, I mean, my Caps mum has offered to buy us a place or at least help put down for it.
No way in the world would I expect my name on that, unless we got married... even then, it's her investment not ours if you know what I mean.

But then, I like my inlaws and trust them regardless of their family issues so I don't have the same problem.

Oops, sorry Truecap- silly me!

Yep, when mom is toting the note, you get all that comes with that.

Except the part where she is decorating the place.

That seems like overkill and misplaced control.

Wagtail: Her name is not on it yet, but it is what they are planning on doing (they are closing in a month).

Truecap: I am still CONSIDERING leaving, just said I didn't WANT to. It was not an empty threat, I thought I really would for sure be done if lied again and I still might be. Idk I'm just trying to get some advice from an outsiders opinion. I always appreciate your guys advice and i appreciate everyones honesty just plz Dont b mean. I have never been mean to anyone on this forum and never plan on it.
Also, it's not that I want my name on it for nothing. If my name was on it, I'd put down just as much money as him maybe even more. I'm not looking for a free handout if thats the type of girl u think i am. And I know I'm a girlfriend not a wife, but he acts like we r married in the sense that he tries to tell me what to do w/ my money, etc.

I should clarify I would NEVER expect my name to be on it if I wasn't putting money down. It just hurts me that he talks about getting married, but then goes and has his mom put money down instead of me (which he knows I have it) and does it all behind my back and lies. 😢

Thank u all for your opinions/advice, I truly appreciate it. 🙂

I wasn't trying to be mean. Its just caps usually say what they mean and mean what they say. Sono threats unless you are willing to follow through. I was being honest in how he might perceive that.

It jut seemed like you wanted the same rights as a wife. Im not big on shacking up and having children together outside of marriage. I wasnt and am not judging but there are a lot of legal challenges when it comes to home ownership and rights. For instance if you help pay the mortgage and you break up, then you have no legal rights to the property after you have sunk money into it.

Basically though you have to accept the mom if she is putting up money and you cant complain. Either refuse her offer or indulge her interference.

Now to be on your side. If you have the money for half a down payment and he gets mom to do it, it does sound weird. I dont blame you for questioning and would look into it further. Speak up rationally, logically and non confrontationally.

True cap: OK thank your for giving me a Capricorns perspective. 🙂. I can't refuse her offer because they are trying to hide it from me and do it secretly behind my back...they think I Dont know even though im 100% sure it is what's going on. :/

So, if her name isn't on there yet. Technically he hasn't lied.

Posted by aries87
True cap: OK thank your for giving me a Capricorns perspective. 🙂. I can't refuse her offer because they are trying to hide it from me and do it secretly behind my back...they think I Dont know even though im 100% sure it is what's going on. :/

its not fair of them to keep you out of the loop.

Wagtail: I've never bought a house so I'm kinda confused on the entire process. He got approved for a mortgage, made an offer (which has been accepted) but doesn't close until the end of the month. I asked him if anyone else's name was going to be on it besides his and he said no. Then I caught his mom saying she is going to decorate because she feels responsible since her name is on it.

well, that still doesn't mean he lied to you...
she may be making assumptions, he may have not even realised... How many homes does he own?
Same boat as you, no idea, first home owner not aware etc maybe he doesn't see it as a big diss either.

Well there's more to the story that I didn't want to go into because it's long and complicated. Basically Caps step mom told my mom (because they're close friends) that Caps mom was putting her name on our house specifically because she didn't want me to get anything if we got married and then divorced.

She cheated on and left Caps dad, so idk if she thinks I'll do the same thing to Cap?? That's the only thing I can think of because I've never done anything to hurt him or offend her (that I can think of...?)

So, this isn't his mother -this is his Dads wife we are talking about... essentially...

Ahhh sorry this is so complicated! Lol Caps mother is the one who is going to have her name on the house but his STEP mom is the one who told MY mom what was going on.

Ugh, she sounds very controlling. I wouldn't move into the house she is paying for especially if she feels she has the right to decorate and live in it.. Because she does. It just sounds like a mess. Tell him you know about it and you don't want a house where she is involved. Just wait until you can both pay for it yourselves so you don't have to have any outside influences.

There's way too much bs going on Capricorn needs to be slapped... Financial obligations ok but there is also one to you. I don't see this ending well. He's been lying he's a lot more loyal to them as he should be but is neglecting you. Also his mom and step mom don't sound welcoming.

Ariesintrovert: That's what I was thinking but I wanted to make sure I wasnt being over dramatic.

My Pieces best friend told me just to move in and be a family but not help him pay the mortgage. It goes beyond just money tho....

Posted by Sugarfoot

Posted by wagtail
So, this isn't his mother -this is his Dads wife we are talking about... essentially...

Sounds like his step mom told her mom what his biological mom is planning on doing. But how does the step mom know? She could be hating to stir up drama.

Too much hearsay to be getting this worked up over and thinking about leaving. If you're gonna have a hope or prayer of being together, leaving can't be your go-to solution for every problem that arises.

+ what truecap said in her first post.

And if she moves in, that's a built in babysitter on wknds. Pssssh girl please!....don't worry, be happy.

The decorating thing is a no though. That's a power play.

click to expand

I like your alternative viewpoint that's why I'm not a woman.

Posted by Sugarfoot

Posted by wagtail
So, this isn't his mother -this is his Dads wife we are talking about... essentially...

Sounds like his step mom told her mom what his biological mom is planning on doing. But how does the step mom know? She could be hating to stir up drama.

Too much hearsay to be getting this worked up over and thinking about leaving. If you're gonna have a hope or prayer of being together, leaving can't be your go-to solution for every problem that arises.

+ what truecap said in her first post.

And if she moves in, that's a built in babysitter on wknds. Pssssh girl please!....don't worry, be happy.

The decorating thing is a no though. That's a power play.

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Agree with all of this.

Yeah, that decorating thing is the biggest red flag in all of this.

Big time power play, and won't end well unless you take her bullying and controlling -- which is sure to follow, if not already taking place.

Mommy doesn't want to relinquish Cap baby to another woman. Bad sign.

Woah woah woah, any unmarried guy with a fourteen month old son and live in partner who is fixing to buy a house for his family is deserving a little more credit here!
we only have a) her side of stroy and b) we find out it's based on OTHER family members (not even blood) hearsay...

Frostey91: Well his step mom is welcoming which is why she felt the need to tell my mom the truth. His mom is very nice to my face but I am finding out it's all a fake show. 😢

Sugar foot: She says she knows because of her husband (caps father). At first, yes I thought it could just be stirring up drama so I ignored it. But then his mom accidentally told me how she felt responsible for decorating it because her name is on it.

aries87: this ones for you!

I picked the vid with lyrics.

Check it out. Sounds like what you are dealing with.

Sugar foot: yes I def agree with u about leaving not being my go to answer which is why I'm trying to figure out alternatives...

Cap Tenn: ha yes that song is perfect!

Soooo, why has nobody suggested confronting the Cap about all this? Clear some things up?

If the stepmom is leaking info or worse, making shit up, then you have a valid reason to tell him what you have heard. Give him a chance to defend himself, give you an update or kick her ass for stirring.
You two have an obligation towards each other.. to communicate.

And you are not talking to him either. All you do is go behind his back (here and with friends I guess) only to probably decide out of the blue that you are angry about something.

It doesn't matter if shit hits the fan. Because I don't see this ending well otherwise.

If the mother is paying for the house as an investment and have her name on it that's fine. But I would make it perfectly clear that unless she is buying the house for you and the Cap to live in instead of treating it as a place of her own that you prefer to decline that offer.

Aries87, where are you from?
To me it is very weird for the mother to reserve a room and plan to come over that often.

Posted by AriesIntrovert16
Ugh, she sounds very controlling. I wouldn't move into the house she is paying for especially if she feels she has the right to decorate and live in it.. Because she does. It just sounds like a mess. Tell him you know about it and you don't want a house where she is involved. Just wait until you can both pay for it yourselves so you don't have to have any outside influences.

I agree.

IDK. Seems to me like the cap is momma's boy and will do whatever momma says. Maybe he is too weak to go against momma.

I don't think the commitment to you is as strong as it should be and you should be wary of this whole situation.

I would definitely go to closing and look at all the paperwork myself. Find out where and to whom the checks are written to, find out who's name will be on the property, view the appraisal and find out the value and purchase price of the house.

If my name were not on the mortgage agreement, I would NOT help pay the mortgage. If you were married and split up, then you would legally have rights to 50% of the equity in the house. Not being married, you would have NO rights to half the equity. It's his, he keeps it and there will be nothing you can do about it.

So, do not pay mortgage payments, do not pay repair bills, do not pay fixing up costs (like paint, flooring, etc). If it is their house, those things are their responsibility. Nothing wrong with paying a little rent or utility payments.

Or you can have an attorney draw up paperwork with some sort of agreement with them to protect your interests, just in case.

Watch a cap, we can be sneaky with financial arrangements. We will protect our interests no matter what.

++++1 TigerCap

If I were in your situation I would talk to the Cap about what's being said and clear that part up.

My concern would be my rights as a tenant in the home they (mother and son) are buying together.

My other concern is losing rights to my child, I've actually seen a couple of people I know lose sole custody of their children because they got evicted/put out and where homeless and went through a bunch of legal mess to get custody rights back.

I definitely don't think you should move in with him until some ground rules are set and when their set get it in writing legally. Maybe consult a lawyer or look into getting a free consultation about what your legal options are if he chooses to put you out and keep the child. You must know what your legal rights are in your State. You may not have any legal rights in this kind of situation so it's important you know your legal rights (if you have any) and what you need to do to look out for your best interest first before moving in with him.

I don't recommend moving in with him if his mom is buying the home solely to control him and to control you and your happiness. You'll be miserable and if he's lying already about his moms behavior it won't get better.

If you do go ahead and move in I suggest signing a lease. Whatever you do don't shell out money to pay his and her (his moms) mortgage, never shell out your money to fix and repair anything in that house unless you're okay with taking a loss because you will not see a return on your investment.

Things like splitting electric, water, trash is fine because you'd be paying that regardless of where you live but I don't recommend trusting a man who has the capacity to lie in your face.

Whatever you legally share together you invest your money in but if you're not legally involved with the process of buying that house you're pretty much at the mercy of him and his mom, so please have a back up plan A B C D before you do anything.

Don't be foolish and not look out for yourself or you'll most likely come to regret it.

Obviously something very wrong with this story.

He is trying to do the right thing for his family.

He needs financial support to make it happen. Can you help him? Why are you sitting back and being passive? It's probably worked for you this far but if you want things right in life, you have to also be willing to put in the effort.

What has lead him to ask his mom for help? What have you been doing?

Ugh. Haha

From what I read, he doesn't sound like a mama's boy but you sound like a martyr.

Posted by aquapiscescusp
Obviously something very wrong with this story.

He is trying to do the right thing for his family.

He needs financial support to make it happen. Can you help him? Why are you sitting back and being passive? It's probably worked for you this far but if you want things right in life, you have to also be willing to put in the effort.

What has lead him to ask his mom for help? What have you been doing?

Ugh. Haha

I sense that too. Maybe that's why I started out being the way I was in this thread. Something just alerted my spidey senses.

I read that pretty much everyone says for me to talk to him about it which I just want to say I did once already (he just lied to me) and will plan on talking to him again soon. I just wanted to get your guys opinions on what u thought and how I should approach the situation.

TigerCap: It was not my first instinct to go on here...I actually haven't been on here in a year. However, I like to come on here when I need advice because I love my cap very much and DONT like talking behind his back. That is why I came here INSTEAD of going to friends (w/ the exception of my one best friend) because at least you guys Dont know who he is. I still plan on talking to him of course.

Pieces cusp: yes he needs help but he went to his mom instead of coming to me. I could help him and wanted to but he didn't ask. When I suggested splitting the down payment and putting both of our names on it he said we wouldn't b able to since we weren't married (which isn't legally true and he knew it). I Dont understand what you mean by being a martyr. I'm just here because I love him and want to make things work WITHOUT being passive. That's why I plan on talking to him again.

Thank you all again for your advice and input I appreciate to taking the time to respond. 🙂

To be a bit more clear on my part, I think it's very admirable that he is in the process of getting a home for him and for his family but to ignore obvious red flags isn't ideal either for the girlfriend.

The lying about whose name is going to be on the deed is a red flag for me, lying of any kind is a red flag.

His mother taking over the house is a red flag, suddenly mom is shelling out money and decorating his house which of course she has every right to do because it's her house and yet that's not necessarily something most women who share a bed with a man want, a lot of women would not feel comfortable having mom pissing all over the house with her decorative style is not the best way to begin in a new home, coming over whenever she feels like it etc.

For me I would not trust a man who lies and who suddenly shifts into allowing his mother to piss all over his relationship because she can, just doesn't seem right to me.

Aries I have a question.

Did your Cap directly tell you that he's buying a house for you and for the baby?

It sounds like your Cap does not want to be financially tied into a relationship with you and if that's not enough for you to back off then you're in over your head.

From what you've revealed he's lied to you before and now he's lying again. You even set a boundary around accepting his lies and you didn't follow through with the vail threat to leave.

Just because you share a child together does not mean he's serious about being with you, it just sounds like he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and would like to maintain a civil relationship with you but maybe you're making this relationship out to be more than what it really is and maybe mom isn't the problem here, the problem is he's not into being with you the way you want and need him to because if he was truly serious about you he wouldn't tell you bold face lies and he wouldn't hesitate to share a home with you and put both your names on the deed of that house. He wouldn't hesitate to build a life with you if he was serious about you.

If you have to TRY and make things work then it's not working and you know it's not working which is why you're trying so hard to make it work. The lie and the house issue is another wake up call that it's not working.

Time to re-evaluate what kind of relationship you're really in. Not moving in with him would be a healthy start until you understand what you're getting yourself into.

Tiki33: yes that's exactly how I feel.

TwirlingStrawberry: I'm not trying to disrespect my Cap I love him very, very much. That's why I began my initial post by saying what a good bf and father he is. However, i can't help what I feel and that was just the first thing that came to my mind when describing the situation. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was disrespecting him. In fact, if I didn't respect him I wouldn't b spending time on here trying to figure out what is the best thing to for my family. I Dont want to upset him or offend his mother, but I need to b happy and feel comfortable as well.

Tiki33: I just saw your most recent post. He specifically said he was buying the house for us to live in as a family. He specifically said if it wasn't for us, he would just rent an apartment or go back to living with his three buddies. If he DIDN'T say that, I would agree w u 110% . However, he talks about getting married and having another baby (together) so I know it's not that he doesn't see us staying together. He's a typical cap and doesn't talk about emotions much but when he does, he has said he's happy. Even his own mother has started talking about us getting married recently.

TwirlingStrawberry: I am going to ask him directly again (I already did once). I Dont like drama...that's why I came here...to get other people's opinions so that I could see if I was being over dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing. All I'm doing is asking for advice on HOW to talk to him and approach the situation. And the reason I called him a liar is because he's lied before in the past and I caught him and he admitted it. His own mother even said her name is on it so either she's lying or he is. If she is the liar and he isn't, then I am sorry for calling him a liar. I'm just asking for advice because I'm trying to be a good girlfriend and not upset my man or offend his mother. Please Dont beat me up over it!!

Posted by aries87
Tiki33: I just saw your most recent post. He specifically said he was buying the house for us to live in as a family. He specifically said if it wasn't for us, he would just rent an apartment or go back to living with his three buddies. If he DIDN'T say that, I would agree w u 110% . However, he talks about getting married and having another baby (together) so I know it's not that he doesn't see us staying together. He's a typical cap and doesn't talk about emotions much but when he does, he has said he's happy. Even his own mother has started talking about us getting married recently.

I think you should get married before buying a house.

*shrugs*

Posted by truecap

Posted by aries87
Tiki33: I just saw your most recent post. He specifically said he was buying the house for us to live in as a family. He specifically said if it wasn't for us, he would just rent an apartment or go back to living with his three buddies. If he DIDN'T say that, I would agree w u 110% . However, he talks about getting married and having another baby (together) so I know it's not that he doesn't see us staying together. He's a typical cap and doesn't talk about emotions much but when he does, he has said he's happy. Even his own mother has started talking about us getting married recently.

I think you should get married before buying a house.

*shrugs*

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I say that because, in my state if he owns the house before you get married, it is pre-marital property and if something happened and you divorced later down the road, he gets to keep the house. I would advise checking your state laws.

In his shoes, because of this, I would make sure I bought the house first to I don't lose half of my investment. See why we are advising you to check the legalities?

Those of us who have been through a divorce have learned some hard lessons. I'm not assuming that you will break up, and I hope you don't. And no one ever gets married thinking about an eventual divorce. But after going through one, I will be smarter next time. I'm sure everyone else who's divorced will too. We're just trying to help you prevent a lot of problems just in case.

Yes I appreciate that. I have looked into it and it's the same in my state. I think that's WHY his mother is telling him to do this....she's been thru a divorce and knows the ropes by now.

Posted by truecap

Posted by aquapiscescusp
Obviously something very wrong with this story.

He is trying to do the right thing for his family.

He needs financial support to make it happen. Can you help him? Why are you sitting back and being passive? It's probably worked for you this far but if you want things right in life, you have to also be willing to put in the effort.

What has lead him to ask his mom for help? What have you been doing?

Ugh. Haha

I sense that too. Maybe that's why I started out being the way I was in this thread. Something just alerted my spidey senses.

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Yes, something is off here 😉

Here's a tip.

When having children with a guy, marriage seals the deal legally.

Start with that 😉