my on going Cap saga

This is kind of un update i guess. Or rather i wonder how much a Cap can take, where is your breaking point?

So I am still with my Cap, lots of ups and downs. Last period was good, him opening a lot and very giving. Then came yet another clash where I was me and reacting somewhat selfishly. Now he is not sure if he wants to continue. I am telling him he actually wants and he gives in, i feel it.

He is so not good for me but there are those moments when i feel so much wormth, acceptance and love that i cannot help but come back for more. Then when i get my cup filled in i feel free to start testing his boundaries. His boundaries are not at all far and an explosion follows.

Now we are in a post-explosion phase and i wonder do you Caps enjoy mine field relationships?

Btw Tiki, you are absolutely right ... but in an ideal world.

I thought you said you were going to stop seeing him a few weeks ago, and why are you testing his boundaries. Do you really want him to blow up on you? Like Really?

This is just too silly.

Indeed i stop seeing him on a regualr basis now, every month or so.

Silly, i agree, sort of a favourite mistake. But then what else do we have except the now?

Posted by asha
Btw Tiki, you are absolutely right ... but in an ideal world.

Hi Asha,

What do you mean by but in an ideal world?

You're doing the best you can given you've committed yourself to staying in the relationship despite the negatives so really it doesn't have to be ideal but I'm curious about what you mean by that statement.

Pink78, i wished things were as simple as you put them.

Until recently I was convinced things should become simpler with age, experience and maturity. Now I think this is yet another ilussion I have to give up ...

Hi Tiki, I appreciate your presence here.

Recently i re-read what you`ve written in my earlier threads.

My point is you were abloslutely right in pointing on the numerous red flags in his early behaviour; i saw them myself. The best thing i could do was brace myself up and get out of this asap. But i stayed and stayed against my better judgment. Stayed not cuz it was a good option for me but cuz i could not do better at that time. And i still cannot.

Will i ever be able to do better? I do not know. But future does not really exist; all we have is this moment only. And today i feel week, I need what he can give me and i reach out for it.

I have my wounds and he has his too. For the moment it seems our wounds match well together. We are elements of a perfectly imperfect world.

I would love to follow your advice and be strong and resist the temptation to call and talk to him. I tried to and I failed. But the failure feels good at this particular moment. I feel happier now than 1 hour ago when I was fighting my temptation. Who knows tomorrow I may be unhappy again but tomorrow is far away. I will be taking decisions for tomorrow when and if it comes.

Asha It's just my opinion, doesn't make it true but yeah you have to grow up some by dealing with your own issues FIRST before you criticize his issues because you both have issues and you're focusing on him and his issues to AVOID your own issues and it's creating a problem.

Your life and thoughts is so revolved around him and his behavior that you seem co-dependent and very insecure as if your happiness revolves around him--revolves around what he's doing or not doing, your happiness is dependent on the up's and the down's and that's NOT HEALTHY behavior. I don't know if you see the part you play in all of this but you're not a victim--you are a co-conspirator, you tick this man off and then you behave as if it's all his fault and you want to give up, stop being so immature about this.

You PICKED this guy, you're responsible for making it work, if it's not working stop blaming HIM for his explosive temper and all of the other things you don't like about him and focus on the good, when he's acting up just GO TEND TO YOUR LIFE, stop focusing on his behavior if it's that bad, stop focusing on his behavior because it's not as if you're going to leave him for good over it so you have to adjust by GETTING A LIFE--GET INTO SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIM THAT YOU'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT and you won't care so much about his 2 year old temper tantrums, just remove yourself from the relationship temporarily or permanently until he get himself sorted out properly.

I'm not sure what kind of fairy tale Ideal you got going on but clearly that ideal is NOT working out for you and thus you must lower your expectations--come from within and work with what you have instead of wishing he and the relationship would be different and then going into FIX IT mode to force the relationship to be something it's not, stop focusing on the way you wish/hope the relationship would/could be and appreciate what you got, if you want more then leave and seek greener pastures.

Posted by asha
Hi Tiki, I appreciate your presence here.

Recently i re-read what you`ve written in my earlier threads.

My point is you were abloslutely right in pointing on the numerous red flags in his early behaviour; i saw them myself. The best thing i could do was brace myself up and get out of this asap. But i stayed and stayed against my better judgment. Stayed not cuz it was a good option for me but cuz i could not do better at that time. And i still cannot.

Will i ever be able to do better? I do not know. But future does not really exist; all we have is this moment only. And today i feel week, I need what he can give me and i reach out for it.

I have my wounds and he has his too. For the moment it seems our wounds match well together. We are elements of a perfectly imperfect world.

I would love to follow your advice and be strong and resist the temptation to call and talk to him. I tried to and I failed. But the failure feels good at this particular moment. I feel happier now than 1 hour ago when I was fighting my temptation. Who knows tomorrow I may be unhappy again but tomorrow is far away. I will be taking decisions for tomorrow when and if it comes.

This is your addiction to him talking...You're brain is chemically off balance and you're body is CRAVING that high but sooner than later you get into the low---the bad parts of the relationship and then your body CRAVES that HIGH, that HIGH is ASSOCIATED WITH HIM AND THE RELATIONSHIP and thus you seek him out to get relief, this is TOXIC, you are turning into an EMOTIONAL CRACKHEAD, it's called DEPENDENCY and LOVE ADDICTION.

If you don't get out of this you'll be in therapy or an love addict website--group asking for help, yes it can get really bad Asha.

I know your self esteem is low, you have to work on that especially if you felt this way before he came into your life, take some time to fix the things you can fix and accept the things about yourself you can't fix so you won't keep attracting TOXIC MEN into your life.

You can do better! This relationship has got you feeling low inside, it's killing your already fragile self esteem, you're LOSING what little identity you had left and becoming DEPENDENT on him to identify WHO YOU ARE as a woman and if he doesn't think that highly of you well you'll begin to BELIEVE you ain't worthy and can't do better than him and then you really are STUCK, relying on a mean-bitter-explosive man to give you something HE DOESN'T HAVE, he can't give you healthy love if he's toxic.

If you go no contact you will DETOX in about 8 weeks, you'll feel so much stronger, I can't tell you how to proceed, if you're addicted you'll have to come to your own conclusion to go no contact but inevitably that is what you'll have to do TO DETOX and get back into your right mind, a more healthier mindset about yourself.

Posted by lnana04
I thought you said you were going to stop seeing him a few weeks ago, and why are you testing his boundaries. Do you really want him to blow up on you? Like Really?

This is just too silly.

Please don't confuse her with the facts. She is asha. She knows best. Remember when she attacked Wounded Leo?

and now she is back with her own drama.

*pass me the popcorn*

BGP, I never attacked Leo. I stated my view that women our age should not chaise men of the age of their sons if they do not want ot get into trouble.

And I definitely do not insist in you being involved in my drama, feel free to skip it.

Tiki, all you say is true. I realise, I SEE it myself. Love addiction is my diagnosis, guys may be different and they have been different; they are relpacable, I attach my needs to someone, traditionally a wrong one.

I badly need someone to talk nonsense to, to lough with, someone to make love to. When I do not have these I get depressed; nothing esle is of similar value, this is my luxury.

This latest case with the Cap is such a clear-cut case that I cannot not see how things work. He is not good on paper (for me), limitted capacity (I have high standards) BUT he offers and is able to give what I need. I cannot get a fully-fledged relationship from there and you have described well why not. I try to live without what I need for sometime but soon get depressed and run back for candies.

What I wonder is whether the diet you suggest is the solution? I get depressed always when put myself on a diet. Should we not just live for the moment and satisfy our needs now cos what else do we have? Some imaginary future?

And I want to stress the guy is not that bad, he is just not good for me. He loves me and tries his best, problem is I will not be satisfied with his best in the long run. I realise I have committment issues myself and I can be really egoistic at times.

Tiki, you also said "accept what you cannot change in you", very wise. I am tired of all fights, too many for a lifetime, I do not have energy for more, I am going shortcut into depression. I am temped to let myself go and wait for things to improve when (and if) they can.

Tiki, something else, I AM addicted to highs and lows, my life was all about it and it was not my choice. Have no clue how to get rid of this addiction, which I see very clearly. No highs (in a broad sense) and I am in the lows. Feel helpless, do not know how to do it.

Posted by tiki33
You can do better! This relationship has got you feeling low inside, it's killing your already fragile self esteem, you're LOSING what little identity you had left and becoming DEPENDENT on him to identify WHO YOU ARE as a woman and if he doesn't think that highly of you well you'll begin to BELIEVE you ain't worthy and can't do better than him and then you really are STUCK, relying on a mean-bitter-explosive man to give you something HE DOESN'T HAVE, he can't give you healthy love if he's toxic.

Thing is he is not doing it, this problem does not really exist. He does appreciate me and demonstrates it. I know all his family and he is proud to present me as his gf; he plans our time togehter, he is available. He even wants a closer committment (wanted to bye us rings for my birthday, not engagement rings but still and I got scared).

So the devil is not that bad and it makes things more difficult. If you have someone who is not available or puts you down, then it is easier I guess.

Leo,

Thanks for your positive attitute. I am trying to open my eyes and get over my flaws, my presence on this site is part of my efforts.

I was judgemental to you, sorry about this. Age and experience do not prevent us from doing stupid things; it is just the kind of stupidity that differs. Sometimes I think what is obvious to me should be obvious to everyone but then often what others see is hidden for me.

I hope you are getting over your pain.

Since youve started posting about him all youve done is complain. According to you, hes always been below your standards. I think your issue is you like/love someone you feel you shouldnt, and you hate the fact that he, of all people, is making this confusion.. The relationship doesnt make sense to you, especially not "on paper" and you are fighting head against heart. You have, well had, a view of how things should be and hes come in and crushed the fairytale/fantasy. This is all you. If you want it to work, you gotta rewrite some things within. If not, then end it and go find your idea of love.

"Thing is he is not doing it, this problem does not really exist. He does appreciate me and demonstrates it. I know all his family and he is proud to present me as his gf; he plans our time togehter, he is available. He even wants a closer committment (wanted to bye us rings for my birthday, not engagement rings but still and I got scared).

So the devil is not that bad and it makes things more difficult. If you have someone who is not available or puts you down, then it is easier I guess."

Asha what is really bugging you? Maybe you're not good enough for him, you keep projecting this BS onto him and expecting him to meet your high standards but honestly what are you ADDING to his life that makes you so much more better than him?

If he's not that bad but not up to your standards then leave...You are not only making him miserable but clearly you are causing your own misery by staying in a situation you are not 100% committed to.

One minute you say he's bad, the next he's not that bad. You definitely have some issues, one of them being commitment issues, no one here can force you or talk you out of your inability to be MATURE which includes your inability to commit because you feel he's BENEATH your standards.

You are addicted to the highs and lows because maybe you don't have a good life, least not one that you are passionate about and enjoy so you're not only creating drama you are also clinging to it as your life line, you love being miserable and that is what your committed to, you are committed to drama and misery and the feeling of feeling HIGH but as you know with highs comes the lows, you are messing up your mental health behaving this way.

Asha you're an adult so what are you going to do FOR YOURSELF that is mature and healthy? How are you going to take good care of yourself in this kind of situation?

You have the answers to YOUR life, own your life, own your decisions because it's your life and you decide to be happy or miserable.

Maybe she's bi-polar?

Posted by pink786new

Posted by tiki33
"

You have the answers to YOUR life, own your life, own your decisions because it's your life and you decide to be happy or miserable.

+1

Also, I just wanted to add that because you say he is "beneath you", you may expect him to kiss your ass more? And since he does not always do this, this in turn makes you feel worse about yourself because someone "beneath you" can at times make you feel rejected?

As I mentioned before, start doing things that make you feel good about yourself like working out, hobbies, spending time with family, fill your time up completely.

click to expand

Yep. I think she expects him to kiss her behind and he will not have it. He seems like a firey Cap and I can tell you, he most likely can care less what you have/not. All that stuff doesn't matter so you might as well leave it at the door, cause he'll break you down, and it seems that's what he's doing. Maybe not intentionally, but if you've created an illusion of yourself because of x,y,z then yeah, he's the one that will shatter that.

I definitely agree with what you say here.

Posted by tiki33


Asha what is really bugging you? Maybe you're not good enough for him, you keep projecting this BS onto him and expecting him to meet your high standards but honestly what are you ADDING to his life that makes you so much more better than him?

If he's not that bad but not up to your standards then leave....

+ 1000

Hola. I haven't read your other threads, so I'm sorry if I am not getting the full picture here.

You don't seem satisfied in this relationship. If you've made other threads about this person, then even more so. Don't be with someone for such superficial issues like worrying about being alone or whatever else. Be with someone because you like and want to be with them. If you're not happy, leave. And if you keep on being selfish, he may make that decision for you. From your sentence about him not being sure if he wants to stay in this and you convincing him he does - that won't be able to work forever. He already has doubts. If you're not satisfied with him, either, I don't know why you would even bother trying to convince him.
If you're addicted to this kind of stuff, addictions can be solved. You need to make a mature decision on what is best for the both of you. Even if you could continue like this, does the guy really deserve it?
Also, if you want your relationship to work, get professional help. That's all I can say.
Either way, it's best you make a decision soon, so you can stop wasting your time and his time. Either put more of yourself into the relationship or leave.

Thank you all for comments, I needed other peoples` views. I fully agree with some statements. I am a victim of certain beliefs and my mind is fighting my heart.

Tiki, your are right: "You are not only making him miserable but clearly you are causing your own misery by staying in a situation you are not 100% committed to"

I know I am responsible for my own happiness/misery. I try to lead a normal life far from my country, culture and friend circle and I do work, go to gym, attend cultural events. This has been my choice and I am happy with it. I just try to understand myself as sometimes I do not. Being outside my comfort zone teaches me very rapidly survival techniques and how to cater my needs and keep going. Apparently I need something, which this Cap gives me and my emotional status deteriorates when I do not have it so I will try to have it. Future does not really exist for me; I can only live at this very moment. Who knows in the end I may become the ultimate survivor: I am hungry - I eat; I am sleepy -I sleep; I am in danger - I fight or run; I need sex - I have it; I need whatever - I provide it it to myself.

Would not mind at all ))

Asha this is harsh but GROW UP...Stop dumping your immature IDEAL'S onto him and blaming him for not measuring up to something he's not even aware of.

You're not happy so nothing will make you happy not even him, stop blaming him for you're unhappy life by projecting this he's not good enough--he doesn't meet my standards nonsense, people don't stick it out with people they feel are beneath them unless THAT PERSON IS VERY INSECURE and has a deep desire to beat up there mate in some way be it mentally-emotionally and sometimes physically to feel better about him or her self. Yes he has flaws--bad habits but holding them against him only to stick it out and criticize him is not only selfish but crazy making behavior on your part fits into this to.

I noticed you have this survival instinct that apparently keeps you USING HIM for your survival, that's partly why you are ADDICTED to this relationship because it's become a NEED, a NEED FOR YOU TO SURVIVE, YOU ARE NEEDY so it's not him that you want, it's what he's providing to you physically--intimately and emotionally that keeps you addicted.

If you're USING him to survive and using him to learn about yourself through him then stop complaining because he's apparently dishing it out as much as you give and HE'S PROTECTING himself from your dangerous behavior to a certain extent, a person can only be pushed so hard and so far before he explodes, he already per my understanding has an explosive personality--temper so you are just ADDING fuel to the flame by behaving the way you've chosen to behave in this relationship. If you plan on staying then GET WHAT YOU CAN and when things get too heavy DISTANCE YOURSELF or LEAVE this man alone before he hem yo ass up and catch a case. I'm sure if he realized you were using him to survive he'd dump you real fast.

You can't really complain about something YOU'VE CREATED, if you don't like your choices then change them, don't expect empathy and sympathy if you're making bad decisions for yourself.

You're happy being miserable, you're happy with your choice to stay involved in something that's turning quite toxic, you can't expect much from the choices you've made, so hush up and sit in your misery or do something about your current situation to help yourself rise above it.

Tiki, thank you for all your comments, I really appreciate your point of view.

I know I have my issues and I am constantly trying to get over them. This man has his issues too and he is trying to get over them too.

I am not sure what it is that attracts us to each other and keeps the relationship going. Every time I try to be logical and analyse someting happens that blows all my logic away so I give up. All I can do is just live and react to circumstances as they come. My latest philosophy is I can only live at the present.

I am not using him really; this was just a metaphor. I give him too and I think I give him a lot. So as strange as it may sound this may be some illogical, not ordinary kind of love.

Remains to be seen 🙂

One last thing I would like to share, which impresses me. I notice I influence him a lot. He is listening to what I say and buys things. I even hear him repeating my words at times and he is careful with his reactions now.