Isn't drifting away but not taking an interest?

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I've always been a shy individual. Sensitive, hopeful and maybe a little naive. I also haven't really had that much experience in developing successful relationships with men. They either lose interest becuase I'm usually hesitant in the beginning (it takes me a little bit to warm up to someone). The more approachable and patient they are the faster it is for me to warm up to them. I'm not usually approached a lot by men as compared to my friends as I don't have the typical looks society would label as "Sexy" or "Beautiful". I do think I am pretty in my own way but I don't exactly have men regularly chasing after me. I typically end up being the best friend.

I wouldn't say I am insecure or have low esteem. I know what my strengths are including my intelligence and my athleticism but I think I have bad luck.

I wanted to communicate a problem I may be having and if any of you can be so kind as to provide feedback. Please no negativity.

I have known a guy since child hood. I wouldn't exactly we are freinds right now but he has been a guy that has always had a dominat impression within different stages of my life. We used to be neighbors, and then I ran into him again in high school, and then more recently a few years ago in my adult life which has lead me to writing today.

We were friends when we were younger and even though we have been on different paths as we got older, that spark that we had when we were younger has always been there for me. When I ran into him as an adult a few years ago, that natural spark was still there but as time went on especially more recently, I question it. I'm afraid I did something like I always do and turned him off.

My friends and his friends have all become friends. His friends like me and my friends like him. I met his friends through him and vice versa. More recently, I have resigned in believing that I am either being taken for granted, I'm that kid sister/best freind or I turned him off. He has stopped being apparent in taking an interest in my life and has stopped making it apparent that he notices things but he isn't drifting away either.

I don't want to approach him about this becuase no matter how many times I replay the possible scenario in my head, it will probably come out uncomfortable and awkward but I do want to recieve guidance as to why he has been this way.

Does he always have to approach you?

Do you ever take an interest in his life?

I'm just wondering if you reciprocate. 🙂


What's his Sun and Moon... and your Moon?

He's a capricorn. I don't know what his moon is. I am a gemini, my moon is taurus.

Does he have to always approach me? I am not sure what you mean. He does approach me, the worry I have is that when he does approach me or when I approach him, he doesn't mention anything about how I have been or my interests such as asking me how my thanksgiving holiday was for example but he will ask his friends or my friends those typical questions. Even when I ask him those typical questions, he still doesn't ask me about mine.

I reciprocate all the time but it seems fruitless. Not sure how it got to be this way. I don't want to think I ruined something.

I'm sorry to say but I see nothing here in your interactions that indicate he's interested in your romantically. Just because you feel chemistry for someone doesn't mean that either they feel it for you or that they would be good for you. You really can't make any good decisions based simply on how you feel or what you wish would happen. It sounds like this is one fantasy one "what if" that you need to put to bed. Maybe your very feelings for this man are keeping you from reaching out to others who have more to ofter? You gotta find a way to be more open to men but also to hold back and see what they bring to your table. More relationships does not mean more happiness. Often it means you're opening yourself up to be used or disappointed on a more frequent basis because you either don't know how to weed out the players & liars or you're a glutton for punishment who wants what they can't have because they can't have it. Finding love really isn't a numbers game. It will come to you, usually when you're not looking for it. Just work on feeling good in yourself, resist the urge to compare yourself to others and be thankful you don't have a trail of exes and broken hearts. More is not better in the game of love.

I wasn't really inquiring on a romantic front. I was more interested in finding out more about the basis for such behavior so I won't cause similar behavior in the future. I don't have beyond normal insecurities but if I don't find a basis then I am afraid I will develop irrational insecurities in the future.

I wasn't in all honesty doing anything out of the ordinary with him from anyone else I spend time with.

"that spark that we had when we were younger has always been there for me. " There's the issue right there if you're hoping to be friends. That's not what's going on for you.

He is exhilirating. I'll give you that. But it wasn't the reasoning behind my first post. It was bred out of curiousity more than anything. It's not something I'm used to from people I know, it's the usual behavior from people I have just met.

Trying to make sense of the new adjustment especially when everything came at a screeching halt. I may be naive and guillible sometimes, but I'm not clueless. I'm not the kind of lady that overreacts as I am a rational. I believe in treating people the way you wish to be treated and to know a human being who seems to have lost the desire to know who I am but hasn't lost the desire to get to know my friends or his friends is a plight that exists.

NaiveOne, This "friendship" is dangerous to you because you do have romantic feelings and you've now invested them in a going nowhere man when you could be out meeting new people. When you have feelings for someone and by feelings I mean romantic feelings, you're not really doing friendship. It's not honest to sa

It's not honest to say that you are either. If you're a rational person, use your head to extricate yourself from this trap. For it is a trap and it's caught your heart. Free yourself and let him go.

Posted by Lust
Okay, try this: stop thinking about what other person might think if you do that, or do this, or what if he pull away, or why did he change, or bla bla bla. Keep saying hi, be friendly, or be (try) perky without expecting for anything. As long as you know for sure that you didn't insult him (or anyone) or say mean stuff then you are good.
Regardless how he acts toward you, don't worry about it. Just Keep going and stay friendly/kind to him (or whoever) unless that person insult you.

As far as moving friendship to a next level, well stop talking like "a friend" Be flirty, give him a hint without declaring how you feel. Also don't wait until he (or someone) initiates. you need to be proactive, You can decide your destiny if you want, create thing, Make it Happen!

All of that is not really relevant as I am not trying to pursue him. I do not have the time to make such an effort.

My only curiosity as I've said is if he's still in an active friendship with his friends and my friends that they have known and thus I am still in this predicament is.

Posted by Este8
It's not honest to say that you are either. If you're a rational person, use your head to extricate yourself from this trap. For it is a trap and it's caught your heart. Free yourself and let him go.

I am not sure what trap I am in that you speak of. I am not actively pursuing him or anyone as I do not have the space to bring in someone into my life.

I am only concerned that while he still is friends with both of our friends (his own and my own) and has pulled away from our friendship. Logic dictates that a path continues unless it is disturbed. I have not treated him any differently than his friends or my own friends so there shouldn't be any disturbance that would cause him to react to me differently than he did up until recently. Logic would also state that if he is going through trauma or worry in his life, his reaction to everyone would be different as well but it isn't.

The trap I speak of is "the friendship trap." Men don't really want to be you friends, NaiveOne and pulling away over time is natural. Maybe he knows you dig him and doesn't feel comfortable being friends? I think you need to let this one swim away. Friendship should never feel forced.

How would he come to any of those conclusions? I have not communicated it to him. I have not flirted with him. I do not stare at him. I do not blush at him or perform any of the atypical signs of interest.

He is treated as I treat any person I come across that I am friends with.

Distance is unkind when there is no basis for it.

You might've not really ruined anything. He seems to be uninterested but displays kind and respectful behaviour. He's not coming too close or drifting away because he might be simply neutral towards you and the situation= He doesn't really like you and he doesn't dislike you. So i don't see that you did anything wrong or if you need to think about this as much as anything else. As for the curiosity part, do you think it might be "interest"? Personally speaking, Im always wondering about how thin is the line between curiosity and interest. I'm not saying i know you're intentions or feelings, as you obviously are more aware of that. Just consider the idea..

As for him, i tried using "might" a lot since i'm not really him and i can never speak in behalf of the guy.


Hope this helps.

So you're not communicating with him and are wondering why he's "drifting away?" Are you for real? Does this make sense. See this is why I know you're still very much about this guy. You go avoid him and monitor his reaction. He pulls back and you wonder "what does it mean?" It means he's mirroring your avoidance game. Seems pretty simple to decipher.

Posted by Geminisces
You might've not really ruined anything. He seems to be uninterested but displays kind and respectful behaviour. He's not coming too close or drifting away because he might be simply neutral towards you and the situation= He doesn't really like you and he doesn't dislike you. So i don't see that you did anything wrong or if you need to think about this as much as anything else. As for the curiosity part, do you think it might be "interest"? Personally speaking, I'm always wondering about how thin is the line between curiosity and interest. I'm not saying i know you're intentions or feelings, as you obviously are more aware of that. Just consider the idea..

As for him, i tried using "might" a lot since i'm not really him and i can never speak in behalf of the guy.


Hope this helps.

Drifting away is the act of stopping all forms of interaction which involves speaking, physical distance, eye contact. This is not to say he is heartless towards me but to drift; this is what has occurred. Drifting away has not occurred between him and his friends or him and my friends. That is the difference between curiosity and interest because a pathway continues infinitely until disturbed. Something has been disturbed. Curiosity has gotten the better of me because I do not flirt with him, I am very friendly with him. I am friendly with everyone I encounter and to be perform such acts because of me is not something I would do to someone else without cause.

Posted by Este8
So you're not communicating with him and are wondering why he's "drifting away?" Are you for real? Does this make sense. See this is why I know you're still very much about this guy. You go avoid him and monitor his reaction. He pulls back and you wonder "what does it mean?" It means he's mirroring your avoidance game. Seems pretty simple to decipher.

I have not communicated any feelings of interest or affection to him. I did not say I do speak to or with him.

I apologize I had a typo in the post above this.

I meant to say, I have not communicated any feelings of interest or affection to him. I did not say I don't speak to or with him.

Posted by NaiveOne

Posted by Este8
So you're not communicating with him and are wondering why he's "drifting away?" Are you for real? Does this make sense. See this is why I know you're still very much about this guy. You go avoid him and monitor his reaction. He pulls back and you wonder "what does it mean?" It means he's mirroring your avoidance game. Seems pretty simple to decipher.

I have not communicated any feelings of interest or affection to him. I did not say I do speak to or with him.

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Even so he can tell it by your facial expressions. You can't hide the spark like you think you can. Bottom line: he's just not that into you as a friend or more or he'd be communicating with you. Just accept that and move on. You don't need to chase after a man to have him be friends. Just make new ones and don't worry about what he's thinking cuz it's not about you. Sorry if that sounds rough but use your logic to extricate yourself from this "friendship trap."

I agree with the two previous comments.

You are making this more complicated than it is. Men are not difficult to read. If a man is interested you would not be here posting this question! His actions will let you know. Men talk to you when they want to, they ask to see you if they want to see you. If he isn't contacting you frequently and if he isn't taking you on dates MOVE ON.

Posted by Geminisces
I agree with the two previous comments.

He is not a mind reader and did not get a graduate degree in the field of microexpressions. I do not express atypical interest signs that most ladies express. Blushing, awkwardness, flirting. I do not do those things with him.

I treat him as I would anyone I encounter.

If I say hello, the typical response would be hello back. I get no hello back. Just a look. Not a heartless look. Just a glance.

Distance is unkind if common courtesy isn't performed such as saying hello back. Distance is not unkind if you are needing space to decompress.

Posted by Geminihope
You are making this more complicated than it is. Men are not difficult to read. If a man is interested you would not be here posting this question! His actions will let you know. Men talk to you when they want to, they ask to see you if they want to see you. If he isn't contacting you frequently and if he isn't taking you on dates MOVE ON.

He isn't contacting at all. But he is contacting all of my friends. They ask me to join in our wine & beer tasting or other adventures we have always had as he asked them to make sure that I know about it and join. He can ask me, he is not a mute. I have never been cruel to him, I have not been awkward with him. I have not focused on him. If he has chosen to not even give me the common courtesy of saying hello back as I say hello to everyone and I get a glance. Just a glance. That is a decided action based on a disturbance that he is generating.

A disturbance that need not be there but if he desires to keep that distance and wants to sever ties then we can do so. I do not play the telephone game and will never ask my friends to be the funnel between him and I.

Why do you care if he is ignoring you?? He doesn't like you. Who cares what his friends say and what your friends say. I have never had a guy ignore me when I say hello. Especially if he liked me. No man would do that. Who cares if he is ignoring you! Stop trying to be his friend and forget him.

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