Snooping... I don't get it

So, I've done it, with an ex.... and it is the worst thing anyone can do. It was my first and last time. I've come to the realization that I really just don't want to know, care or want to feel like I need or want to. If someone is doing something shady, all light comes to dark.

On that note, I have this friend, she is a snoop-a-holic. She has snooped in my phone, in other friends phones and in her boyfriends phone, and it torments her. She asked me to hang out one day, and I told her I was tired. Well, she looked at my phone that weekend and saw that I had texted another friend to hang out that night. She was pissed at me and didn't talk to me for a few days. I get why her feelings would be hurt, who wouldn't take it personal. But come one, regardless of how much we love or care about a person, whether that be a family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend... we don't always want to hang out with them, it doesn't mean we care any less. Then she called me upset because she read a text that her bf sent to this girl and said he was flirting.

I just don't know. I think she has a problem. I told her that her calling me upset about her new findings was getting old, that she just needed to let go, stop looking for things and enjoy life. Can this be an addiction? I don't really know how to help her, and as of right now, I just want to distance myself from her and not deal with it.

Correction, "all dark comes to light"

snooping is a violation of privacy, a lack of respect to those you supposedly love, it shows a lack of trust on the snoopers part, proves they are insecure and a control freak. Control freak meaning that the snooper must know what is going on with everyone while they are not around those individuals. Which is moronic?
Can you help her? Doubtful, self esteem is something that she has to develop on her own. Maybe by bringing this to her attention will give her some enlightenment. But more than likely she will brush this off and continue with her behavior.

You did the right thing by distancing yourself from her. Not only is this behavior annoying, it is exhausting and drama addictive.

Life is to0 short to be paranoid and worrying about what other people are doing 24/7.

I went through my exes phone before and I would do it again because he is a cheating son of a bitch!

I wouldn't care if someone went on my phone or read my diary or my posts on forums because I am an open book and nothing phases me??_

I also have a very curious nature and I have amazing detective skills when I put my curious mind to it.

I understand its bad to be a control freak for a BF but sometimes life can get so out of hand especially when it comes to relationships you think its something that you can control but Ive since learnt its best to utilise self control.

Funny how people always say you should have trust. I don't get it because no amount of trust is going to stop a person from deceiving you. Trust is nothing. As someone that's been lied to & been too trusting at some point in my life to even think about snooping...I'd sure snoop the hell out of someone now. I'd rather be made a fool for a short period of time than go on & no living a lie.

BTW, I'm currently watching that show Snapped about women who kill & it's escalating my trust issues with men at the moment. Umm yeah, I think it's safe to say I just don't see myself dating 😄

That's insane of your friend. I see alot of people snooping on their s/o's phones because they're afraid they might be cheating which is unhealthy but fairly normal behavior. But I have never seen anybody snooping on their friends phones wtf. How does she even get ahold of your phone to begin with? and why do you allow her to look through your messages? She is crossing some major lines and I would have a serious talk with her about her behavior. But also, maybe you should just tell her the truth in the future. I know you lied to protect her feelings, but finding out you lied obviously hurts her more and turns her into an even more paranoid person.

Unfortunately I have a similar habit. My friends call me at times to find things out just by using fb or twitter. While dating my aqua I could tell you everything about her ex and she hated it, recently she said I'm crazy because I'm always sniping for info on the girls page. I tell you this much sometimes it's not a good feeling to see certain things when you go looking for it. I have made a commitment with myself to stop. If I need to know it will surface on it's own... The call phone is a little too extreme especially if it's just a friend!

The first two replies from chemengin and 11 are great. Completely opposite sides and it's hard to argue either. I am not a snooper, however, I did it at the end of my marriage and believe I was right to do so. I have no intention of doing it again but it's possible? Really though if I got to the point where I'd feel the need to snoop, the trust is gone and it'd be just as quick (and much less painful) to simply say that and end the relationship.

Oh, I am very much an open book too. If I'm dating someone and they have a question, I'll answer it. I've never cheated, but I have been accused a few times. There is a boundary and respect issue. Not right away dating, but once your kinda serious, sure I'd give passwords to a gf. If there's nothing to hide, why hide it? I would however be kind of irritated if I fou.d out she was using them to snoop or track me. I gave them in trust to make stupid things easier.

Damn libras, I see both sides.

Posted by LibraSid
Really though if I got to the point where I'd feel the need to snoop, the trust is gone and it'd be just as quick (and much less painful) to simply say that and end the relationship.

Exactly. The trust is gone and your relationship is over. Snooping is just trying to find out what is going on and prolong the inevitable. But once you snoop that first time or you think you need to snoop your relationship is over.

I don't like snooping and I would be absolutely offended if someone did it to me. If you want to see my phone, ask. I don't care if its because you want to read my txts and don't trust me, ask. I want to hear someone declare out loud their insecurities for mistrusting me. I won't hide anything but they have to ask me. I'm willing to work through insecurity issues only once.

But, if they're so willing to disrespect me by violating my privacy, its freaking over.

Posted by LibraSid
The first two replies from chemengin and 11 are great. Completely opposite sides and it's hard to argue either. I am not a snooper, however, I did it at the end of my marriage and believe I was right to do so. I have no intention of doing it again but it's possible? Really though if I got to the point where I'd feel the need to snoop, the trust is gone and it'd be just as quick (and much less painful) to simply say that and end the relationship.

same here.

If snooping becomes necessary, then the relationship is on its last legs anyway.

I've been cheated on by my exhusband, and I still don't snoop in my mans stuff. Oh I pay attention to things but I dont snoop.

Posted by LibraSid
The first two replies from chemengin and 11 are great. Completely opposite sides and it's hard to argue either. I am not a snooper, however, I did it at the end of my marriage and believe I was right to do so. I have no intention of doing it again but it's possible? Really though if I got to the point where I'd feel the need to snoop, the trust is gone and it'd be just as quick (and much less painful) to simply say that and end the relationship.

same here.

If snooping becomes necessary, then the relationship is on its last legs anyway.

I've been cheated on by my exhusband, and I still don't snoop in my mans stuff. Oh I pay attention to things but I dont snoop.

Posted by LibraSid

Damn libras, I see both sides.

lol story of my life...

but, in case of snooping it is a simple and definite NO! Ugh the very thought of someone doing it to me or worse me doing it to someone else makes me kind of disgusted tbh

Could I forgive someone doing it to me? Only if I find the reason for doing it to be fairly "reasonable". Human beings are not perfect and weak.

If I'd have a heavy valid reason to doubt a friend/partner, I'd try to find out what is going on, but it won't be by snooping. nah

OP, your friend does sound like she has an addiction.

Posted by chemengin
snooping is a violation of privacy, a lack of respect to those you supposedly love, it shows a lack of trust on the snoopers part, proves they are insecure and a control freak.

yeah, my thoughts exactly

Thank you all for your responses. I'm learning that this is quite an interesting topic, that has great cases and points for both sides... the snooping and the non-snooping. I guess I find it more interesting with her, because I get the bf thing and snooping, although I don't agree with it, I get it. However, her snooping on my phone, adds a whole other element. Quite frankly, I'm an open book, people can go on my phone as they wish, I have nothing to hide. Yes, someone posted a comment that I should have just been honest with her about not wanting to hang out. That was selfish on my part, in an effort to not hurt her feelings and not wanting to deal with her reaction, I told her I was tired. My bad on that one.

Someone brought up a point I hadn't thought about, her wanting to not miss out on anything, that may explain why she looks at my phone. I don't really. Some day I want to talk to her about it and see what I can learn. To me, someone that is looking for something regardless, is either paranoid, wanting to sabotage whatever it may be before she gets burned... I don't know. I wouldn't care if someone went a snooping on me, but thats just me. I know some people find it to be a huge violation.

Posted by kindness

.... and it is the worst thing anyone can do.

really?

let's hope you don't run to the store with your dog (or child) in the car and leave it there while you're shopping, since you think it's the worst thing anyone can do.

The last thread I encountered of yours was you bitching about your mother ... now you're bitching about a friend.


Maybe you're the problem

Someday you want to talk to her about it? You haven't talked to her about it yet!? And this is your girl-friend? That is weird on so many levels. Is she bi? Maybe she has a crush on you, there is no way someone can be that damn insecure. And paranoid and sabotaging? Why would she feel the need for this? Something here isn't adding up. Or she's straight psycho.

She's not addicted to snooping. She's addicted to her insecurities & all the other underlying issues that drive her to snoop.

I feel finicky about the "What starts in the dark always comes to the light" philosophy b/c it sends the message that all truth will magically show up on your doorstep 1 day. Not always true. For some the truth comes in the form of a 3rd party (ex, stranger, etc.). For others it's a matter of paying attention to the signs/red flags (signs that aren't always present). And then there's the evidence that you believe is sitting right in front of you (mail, website, bill, phone, etc.)

Realistically, the 'truth' can be found in alllll of these different scenarios.

And I find it ironic that people always say things like, "Don't leave or act on impulse unless you have proof." I'm NOT encouraging women or men to snoop. Just saying that if the only proof you'll have/need is in a device, then you ignoring it for the sake of their privacy is just as risky as seeing a red flag & not acting on it b/c you technically don't have "proof."

Every truth doesn't come in the form of "Hi my name is..... and this is the proof that your partner is a scumbag." I'm sure all the women who found something deal breaking in a man's devices don't regret snooping, especially considering they may have spared themselves from months/years of pain they weren't even aware they were in.

It's a catch 22. If you snoop, you're insecure. If you see a red flag, act on it & leave right away, you might be accused of being in the wrong or jumping to conclusions (which some associate with insecurity). If you don't snoop but feel that the truth is somewhere in front of you in the form of a device, then you'll harp, and harp and harp until you explode (Never let a woman's imagination run wild for too long lol)

I can see it from all sides. 1 of my good friends went through her husband's phone, not b/c she was a regular snooper but b/c she felt something was up, but didn't wanna be 'that girl' who jumps to conclusions or walks away before having any proof. But she snooped & she found out that her man had like 5 different girlfriends. Call her insecure if you want, but she's 1 smart, saved-from-the-devil girl! Is what it is

Posted by krysrenee7
She's not addicted to snooping. She's addicted to her insecurities & all the other underlying issues that drive her to snoop.

I feel finicky about the "What starts in the dark always comes to the light" philosophy b/c it sends the message that all truth will magically show up on your doorstep 1 day. Not always true. For some the truth comes in the form of a 3rd party (ex, stranger, etc.). For others it's a matter of paying attention to the signs/red flags (signs that aren't always present). And then there's the evidence that you believe is sitting right in front of you (mail, website, bill, phone, etc.)

Realistically, the 'truth' can be found in alllll of these different scenarios.

And I find it ironic that people always say things like, "Don't leave or act on impulse unless you have proof." I'm NOT encouraging women or men to snoop. Just saying that if the only proof you'll have/need is in a device, then you ignoring it for the sake of their privacy is just as risky as seeing a red flag & not acting on it b/c you technically don't have "proof."

Every truth doesn't come in the form of "Hi my name is..... and this is the proof that your partner is a scumbag." I'm sure all the women who found something deal breaking in a man's devices don't regret snooping, especially considering they may have spared themselves from months/years of pain they weren't even aware they were in.

It's a catch 22. If you snoop, you're insecure. If you see a red flag, act on it & leave right away, you might be accused of being in the wrong or jumping to conclusions (which some associate with insecurity). If you don't snoop but feel that the truth is somewhere in front of you in the form of a device, then you'll harp, and harp and harp until you explode (Never let a woman's imagination run wild for too long lol)

I can see it from all sides. 1 of my good friends went through her husband's phone, not b/c she was a regular snooper but b/c she felt something was up, but didn't wanna be 'that girl' who jumps to conclusions or walks away before having any proof. But she snooped & she found out that her man had like 5 different girlfriends. Call her insecure if you want, but she's 1 smart, saved-from-the-devil girl! Is what it is

+ 100

Posted by iamwhatiam
Someday you want to talk to her about it? You haven't talked to her about it yet!? And this is your girl-friend? That is weird on so many levels. Is she bi? Maybe she has a crush on you, there is no way someone can be that damn insecure. And paranoid and sabotaging? Why would she feel the need for this? Something here isn't adding up. Or she's straight psycho.

Yeah, I guess for now I just want to put some distance between us and see if the behavior continues. This is something that I've noticed about 3-months ago maybe? I don't know if it was there before and I just didn't notice or what. I would imagine there is more to it, issues of some sort.

kyserene: yes, I can see it from every perspective. I suppose it just seems unhealthy that she seems to do it so much. I'll reach out to her in a week or so and chat it up over dinner or something. Perhaps she will open up to me or perhaps my calling her out on it will make her more aware of her actions. Or, maybe she is ok with being that way, which hey, if she is... then it is what it is.

Posted by kindness
kyserene: yes, I can see it from every perspective. I suppose it just seems unhealthy that she seems to do it so much. I'll reach out to her in a week or so and chat it up over dinner or something. Perhaps she will open up to me or perhaps my calling her out on it will make her more aware of her actions. Or, maybe she is ok with being that way, which hey, if she is... then it is what it is.

I don't think she likes that part of herself, however I do think that she's accepted that this is apart of who she is. I think it's everybody else that hasn't accepted that this is just who she is lol

Sure have that talk with her. But don't come to the table with expectations. She probably won't change. She'll probably listen to you talk, & follow up with 1,000 justifications for why she feels the need to do so.

And any time someone justifies wrongdoing or blames everyone else for their own insecurities, that's a sure way to predict whether or not someone is likely to change any time soon. She won't ever change what she refuses to acknowledge. That's true for any and everybody.

Instead of waiting on her to change, instead ask yourself if this about her is something you can or can't deal with. If you can, it would be understandable, especially considering there are ways for you to prevent her from invading your privacy + there may be good aspects to her that made you feel she was valuable & worthy of a friend in the 1st place. But if you can't deal with it, that's understandable too.

Hi Kyserenee, though I'm a bit taken aback about her snooping, it isn't a deal breaker for friendship with me. Having read all the posts, yours especially, if this is something that she accepts about herself, who am I to tell her otherwise. If she is ok with it, then I can deal, it isn't harming me or causing me drama. In all honesty, her looking on my phone and finding out that I didn't want to hang out with her was something I had brought upon myself by not being honest from the get go.

I want to chat it up with her, not to change her, but to offer myself, should she want to chat. I don't believe in changing people, I've been down that road before, and it will always be a battle lost.

^^^ The mark of a good friend!

I agree that it shouldn't be a deal breaker, but hey some people would disagree & it's hard to tell someone that they don't have a right to have certain standards, ya know?!

I think it's great that you're willing to at least have that convo with her. Ya know, woman to woman. It may go in 1 ear & out the other, or hey it might actually set in. Who knows. Regardless, friends should be able to be honest with each other, especially when 1 of them is engaging in behavior that may hurt them & future relationships in the long run

Look at it this way: Some women don't realize just how obvious their bullsh****t ways are to everyone around them. Some people are ok with not changing their flaws right away if it 'appears' like no one else is hip to it. It's 1 thing for a boyfriend and 1 family member to see/know that flaw, but it's another thing when bunches of people start coming out of the woodwork trying to talk to them about it. Sometimes hearing the same advice or being cornered for the same thing from multiple people makes a huge difference & sends the signal to the friend that if YOU even notice it & see the problem, then maybe it's an issue worth looking deeper into & possibly changing

Again, doesn't mean it's gonna happen lol But speaking from experience, I know I've always felt more encouraged to look deeply into a problem with urgency when multiple people have called me out on the same thing. It's kinda like walking in a room without realizing that you forgot your pants! lol When everybody sees you & notices that you're missing a few screws, suddenly you feel naked. Suddenly, you start to care more about what others think. And sometimes that's a good thing b/c it ups the urgency to get your sh***t together!