What do you think went wrong

with this interaction?

someone did a huge favor for me a few months back and i'm thankful and all and our last convo was ofc pleasant. but he seemed like a busy person and after that favor, i did not wanna impose or bother him too much. i'd post stories about my son and maybe the first 2 times he'd view them (and i felt like I was reaching out in this way even though it's generally for all my friends on socmed) but I'd also like pics of guns he'd post (and in my head these are all methods of me 'reaching out'). hell i interact with my mother even less these days and we have a GREAT relationship. months pass by and nothing from both our ends except for those rare times i've liked a gun pic or 2 and he'd view my posts. but we're all just people going about our lives and i rarely am the type to initiate in anything in life. then suddenly he messages: "no hi hello?!"

and then i understood that not all is well. I feel embarrassed coz did i do something wrong? am i coming off ungrateful? should i have initiated convos with someone I've never really talked to until our mutual loved ones died?

this my pisces uncle btw.

Don't make it a bigger drama. Just text him "hello, how are you doing? I've been enjoying following your posts."

Posted by ATGR
He doesn’t sound that upset. Did you message him after that?

i said something to the effect of:

"oh hey i was just working on something and nothing new to report really. still no takers on your land (something i'm helping him sell off) and gran's still nagging me to come around but i live with my in laws now which is best for the baby. how are you?"

then he left it on read from that point and didn't really look at my other messages after that last line nor picked up when i tried to call. tho we're blood relatives, we don't actually really know each other very well. we have never been around each other outside of funerals nor have we ever really gotten to know each other urgently. that and we also currently live very far from each other.

his last fb post in fact was a pic of one of our loved ones final resting place. and idk about you, my social skills might be low but i'm pretty sure discussing his dead mom's not exactly the best icebreaker even outside of parties.

Posted by geminiflyby
Don't make it a bigger drama. Just text him "hello, how are you doing? I've been enjoying following your posts."

i get that but guns and funerals aren't exactly 'enjoyable' so i've made sure to react emoji instead. i've already missed call and the ball's in his court. srsly my family's the kind where you have to walk on eggshells (i'm not even the exception to this coz i'm easily uncomfortable and offended too). but we were on good terms the last we spoke and he could've maybe commented on one of my son's endless pictures.

Posted by NotALibra
His mum died?

Maybe HE is in a bad way. Perhaps drinking a lot or something

Don't assume it is about you

well to be fair, my dad died right after his mom.

Posted by ATGR
If you’re not really that close I wouldn’t be worried about it.

this is a huge a favor and out of all my relatives, i like him most which says a lot coz we barely really know each other 🗿🗿

oh well i did my best, i'm just gonna wait for him to come around. you can't really explain your nature to somebody, we just gotta learn each other some time.

Posted by BadderBunny
No matter how busy I am I make time for friends and family. Call him. Even better video call so you can see his facial expressions. Ask him how he is doing. If he lives near you, arrange to visit him. Let him know you want your baby to meet their grand uncle. If he's still resistant, well you've done all you could.

As a pisces I do things for family and dont really expect anything in return. Especially nieces and nephews. I do appreciate knowing I am thought about and cared about though. Something more than a facebook like.

i did try to video chat him but he didn't pick up my call. i'm really terrible when it comes to maintaining relationships unless we're married or i birthed you. my parents have never been really needy with me nor have i really looked around for them. but i understand that my uncles's mother was very clingy (she's a cancer) and he was raised very differently from me.

ball's in his court so i'm just gonna leave things as they are.

Posted by Bandito
Should have just said hello my favorite uncle, I’m deeply sorry to have heard about your mother’s passing. Insert whatever you may feel about her here. Is there anything I can do for you? You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.

Instead you made it all about you lolz. Wait did his mom die or what?

Could have said hello my favorite uncle. I’ve been thinking about you lately. How have you been?

Just something simple lol.

she's passed quite some time after and my dad's death was more recent. then ofc the excitement of the baby. and i said all those things to him coz i felt i had to explain myself-why i wasn't communicating enough apparently.

and here i thought when i post stuff on social media that i'm 'socializing.' guess not.

You were born a Virgo

Posted by Walk_on_by
You were born a Virgo

it sucks

maybe if i had more extroverted fire or air i'd have a better time

He didn't do you a huge favour in exchange for your socially awkward chat, lol. Besides, the favour could have been towards your parents, even if you were the beneficiary. Your guilt may not be justified.

Do what it feels natural to you. Just don't tell someone how busy they were! If you make excuses, they should be about you feeling sorry, not shifting the blame.

Posted by cersei

Posted by Undine
He didn't do you a huge favour in exchange for your socially awkward chat, lol. Besides, the favour could have been towards your parents, even if you were the beneficiary. Your guilt may not be justified.
Do what it feels natural to you. Just don't tell someone how busy they were! If you make excuses, they should be about you feeling sorry, not shifting the blame.

How is telling someone you thought they were busy and didn’t want to bother them shifting blame? It’s no one’s fault for being busy, it’s something out of one’s control. So it’s not like you telling them it’s their fault. That’s being honest, she said herself she thought he was busy and didn’t want to bother him. Because that’s really why she didn’t respond. That’s like telling her she is blaming him if she thinks he’s busy. Doesn’t make sense.

If she tells him she didn’t want to bother him he might tell her “oh you’re not bothering me I like hearing from you” etc then she knows she can contact him without feeling like she is bothering him, and he knows that reaching out is difficult/socializing is not easy for her.

I see nothing wrong with that.

Or she can do what you said and think oh it’s just a small favor if he feels bad that’s on him. Which seems worse, because some people are just lonely and want someone to reach out and say hi now and then. Obviously he felt that way since he messaged her like that

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A didn't contact B because she didn't feel like it (or another personal reason).

A tells B "I didn't contact you because you ..." (insert a reason A invents and then attributes to B).

A blames B for her inability to contact him, so she feels less guilty.

Simple!

ps; "I'm busy" it's a lousy excuse. Saying "you are busy" is shifting the blame. It's up to him to decide if they are busy enough to respond or not.

Posted by Undine
He didn't do you a huge favour in exchange for your socially awkward chat, lol. Besides, the favour could have been towards your parents, even if you were the beneficiary. Your guilt may not be justified.

Do what it feels natural to you. Just don't tell someone how busy they were! If you make excuses, they should be about you feeling sorry, not shifting the blame.

i'm not blaming him. it's just he never really posted anything online, last one was of his mom's gravestone and my dad died 2 months after that and that's what i meant by knowing each other mostly through funerals. and then after that some guns he bought for his collection. meanwhile, i was posting endless pics of my son. then months of nothing on his end.

if there was a HINT at all of him being online like maybe viewing my stories then i'd feel like hey he's online maybe i can reach out. but even as he did that favor for me months ago, he always acted like he was in a hurry and he would reply like maybe after almost a day or 2, when we video chatted he was even driving.

Posted by virgoOPPP

Posted by Undine
He didn't do you a huge favour in exchange for your socially awkward chat, lol. Besides, the favour could have been towards your parents, even if you were the beneficiary. Your guilt may not be justified.
Do what it feels natural to you. Just don't tell someone how busy they were! If you make excuses, they should be about you feeling sorry, not shifting the blame.

i'm not blaming him. it's just he never really posted anything online, last one was of his mom's gravestone and my dad died 2 months after that and that's what i meant by knowing each other mostly through funerals. and then after that some guns he bought for his collection. meanwhile, i was posting endless pics of my son. then months of nothing on his end.

if there was a HINT at all of him being online like maybe viewing my stories then i'd feel like hey he's online maybe i can reach out. but even as he did that favor for me months ago, he always acted like he was in a hurry and he would reply like maybe after almost a day or 2, when we video chatted he was even driving.

click to expand

That is what went wrong! You are talking from YOUR point of view and are unable to accept a simple fact that you shouldn’t excuse yourself for not reaching out by telling any other person that they were unreachable! Your own thoughts are not an excuse for offending someone!