Cancer Lady...what happened?!

Pisces here, who met a cancer lady online and we clicked right away. Talked for 2 months and she visited me in a different state. Met my family in my home..for my bday.

Fast forward a week and I find out she's actually dating other people. I called her out on it and her response was I never made it official, so she's in the right. I tell her okay, take me out of contention and she says, she wanted it to be me and her...

I kinda figured bringing her to my home and meeting my family was sending the right message.

I cut all contact as she claimed I put spyware on her phone....which is crazy. Is this cancer playing games?

She told you straight up you didn't make it official. Seems pretty straight forward to me. And maybe she didnt understand how you knew she was dating others hence the spyware thing.. Yes its a little odd.. But i feel there is more to this story..

There really isn't any more to add to the story. I feel as though she were playing a game the whole time..

How did you find out she was seeing other people?

Sounds to me as though you were elusive, and didn't clarify your intentions with her. You said taking her to your family home was sending the right message, which means you never stated your intentions.

You just assumed that she would read your mind. And now you believe it's her fault that you failed to communicate your intentions with her.

There's nothing wrong with dating several people. If you wanted more, then you should have talked to her, rather than believe she would just magically know what you mean.

It's not exclusive until you have that conversation!

I didn't guess, I was told. Apparently she's got a pretty checkered past and someone didn't think it was fair. Again, we don't live in the same state...so blessing in disguise?!

It's possible that she isn't even seeing anyone else, and used that as an excuse to get you to step away.

Afterall, it's pretty crazy shit to bring a person to your family to meet when you're not even in a serious relationship. That would be enough to make anyone run for the hills away from you.

That sends the wrong message to the other person. So, where you thought you were sending the right message ... you actually sent the wrong one.



You don't bring someone home whom you haven't even developed a relationship with, consisting of terms and mutual understandings of where the two of you stand with each other.



You showed her that you're crazy, with no real concept of a relationship.

Posted by P-Angel
How did you find out she was seeing other people?

Sounds to me as though you were elusive, and didn't clarify your intentions with her. You said taking her to your family home was sending the right message, which means you never stated your intentions.

You just assumed that she would read your mind. And now you believe it's her fault that you failed to communicate your intentions with her.

There's nothing wrong with dating several people. If you wanted more, then you should have talked to her, rather than believe she would just magically know what you mean.

I did assume...true. She never once mentioned she was seeing other people. I feel like had I known, I wouldn't have had her stay at my house. Not to mention she lied about planning this family night on the town when in fact it was actually a date she had with another guy.

Why so possessive?

It seems bizarre for a Pisces to act jealous and want to control.

So, she's seeing other people. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy good times with her if you both have chemistry together. Just because you like someone and have a good time being in their company does it mean it's suppose to be serious.

I just don't get your ownership attitude. It's not Piscean-like. We are here to experience life, not hold on to it so tightly to bend and mold that you can't even manage to enjoy other people.

Enjoy what there is to experience her without trying to control the outcome, and then step away when it's done with fond memories. As it is now, you have no fond memories of being with her, only bitter ones.



that's your bad that you have done to yourself by trying to own another person. the joy you will have in life is in your memories of your experiences ... so make them count



She probably wouldn't have had to lie to you, if you weren't so unrealistically possessive. If you were open-minded enough to handle the truth, then she probably would have told you the truth.

that's your bad you did to yourself.



People seem to have a very difficult time realizing that the universe doesn't revolve around them.

Posted by P-Angel
It's possible that she isn't even seeing anyone else, and used that as an excuse to get you to step away.

Afterall, it's pretty crazy shit to bring a person to your family to meet when you're not even in a serious relationship. That would be enough to make anyone run for the hills away from you.

That sends the wrong message to the other person. So, where you thought you were sending the right message ... you actually sent the wrong one.



You don't bring someone home whom you haven't even developed a relationship with, consisting of terms and mutual understandings of where the two of you stand with each other.



You showed her that you're crazy, with no real concept of a relationship.

This makes me sad. She visited me from a different state on my bday. Which I already had plans for with my family. I asked if she wanted to go and she agreed. It wasn't a surprise. Why would she agree if that was the wrong message?

Posted by P-Angel
Why so possessive?

It seems bizarre for a Pisces to act jealous and want to control.

So, she's seeing other people. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy good times with her if you both have chemistry together. Just because you like someone and have a good time being in their company does it mean it's suppose to be serious.

I just don't get your ownership attitude. It's not Piscean-like. We are here to experience life, not hold on to it so tightly to bend and mold that you can't even manage to enjoy other people.

Enjoy what there is to experience her without trying to control the outcome, and then step away when it's done with fond memories. As it is now, you have no fond memories of being with her, only bitter ones.



that's your bad that you have done to yourself by trying to own another person. the joy you will have in life is in your memories of your experiences ... so make them count



She probably wouldn't have had to lie to you, if you weren't so unrealistically possessive. If you were open-minded enough to handle the truth, then she probably would have told you the truth.

that's your bad you did to yourself.



People seem to have a very difficult time realizing that the universe doesn't revolve around them.

At what point was I being possessive? In fact, if I'm not mistaken, it was the absence of possession to justify her point...

I didn't say I wanted to be exclusive, agreed. And that is exactly why I'm asking if she were playing a game all along.

Posted by Puguglies

This makes me sad. She visited me from a different state on my bday. Which I already had plans for with my family. I asked if she wanted to go and she agreed. It wasn't a surprise. Why would she agree if that was the wrong message?

Did she have a choice?

No !!!

How rude and inconsiderate it would have been on her part to tell you that you should cancel your plans with your family, to be with her.

You are trying to read far more into this than is necessary.

She liked you, she wanted to hang out with you, you already had plans and so invited her tag along, she went .... and now your scheming to make a fucking mountain out of it, trying to insert all kinds of meanings to something so simple.

Are you young? Have you never interacted with other people before?



You are trying to make mean more than it is, like there are hidden meanings to it all .... when she was just trying to hang out with you, but, you had plans, so she had no choice except to go along.

didn't she come distance to see you? didn't you say she lives in another state? so, why would you make plans with others if you knew she was coming to see you?

You try to sound innocent, like you've been victimized .. but, between the lines, it's easy to see that you had a part in setting this up. Probably to try and manipulate it as much as you can, so that you can play victim.

I don't see where she has done anything wrong here. I don't understand why can't just let it be an outing of a bunch of people, having a good time. why does it have to have hidden agendas in your mind?

Posted by Puguglies
Pisces here, who met a cancer lady online and we clicked right away. Talked for 2 months and she visited me in a different state. Met my family in my home..for my bday.

Fast forward a week and I find out she's actually dating other people. I called her out on it and her response was I never made it official, so she's in the right. I tell her okay, take me out of contention and she says, she wanted it to be me and her...

I kinda figured bringing her to my home and meeting my family was sending the right message.

I cut all contact as she claimed I put spyware on her phone....which is crazy. Is this cancer playing games?

Here's the thing, you only talked to this woman for 2 months. That's not enough time to create permanency in the human brain when it comes to another person. In order for the mind to really get accustomed to another individual it takes about 3 months. You simply moved too fast. I'm sure there are reasons, but coming to a different state to meet you on your birthday in front of your family? That's three serious scenarios that occurred all at once. It was probably too much for her to handle in the end (regardless of whoever's idea it was). That was mistake #1.

Mistake #2 is getting upset when you found out she is dating other people. Of course she's dating other people. You've been talking online for 2 months. If you had been dating in that time, you'd have a better argument. There's no reason to expect her to not be talking to other guys because honestly there's no reason for YOU not to be talking to other girls. You're talking to a girl long distance online, what did you expect?

I will say that she wasn't completely honest with you though. The confusion didn't exist because you "never made it official". That's a cop out response on her part. What she meant to say was, "We didn't get to the point of having the exclusivity conversation." Simply put, you blind sided her and now she's putting the blame on you. This situation fell apart because you jumped the gun, not because you didn't have the exclusivity talk. You moved too fast and she's too nice to be blunt. Guess what would have happened if you asked her to be exclusive after only seeing her for the first time? She would have said, "Hey it's too soon, let's get to know each other better first."

Is it cool that she lied to you about other guys? No, but no one who is smart is ever going to throw another person in your face either. In reality her dates are none of your business the same way your dates are none of hers. You two aren't in a relationship.

So what if she's dating other guys? Are you so concerned about them that you feel belittled? If you were truly self confident you'd understand that those guys couldn't hold a match to you. For all you know she was meeting some of them for the first time as well. Maybe those other dates were terrible. Maybe she felt the strongest connection with you and went on those other dates to be sure. Maybe her showing up to meet your family on your birthday was a sign she was truly interested in you.

I can't speak to the spyware issue. That does sound crazy.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by Puguglies

This makes me sad. She visited me from a different state on my bday. Which I already had plans for with my family. I asked if she wanted to go and she agreed. It wasn't a surprise. Why would she agree if that was the wrong message?

Did she have a choice?

No !!!

How rude and inconsiderate it would have been on her part to tell you that you should cancel your plans with your family, to be with her.

You are trying to read far more into this than is necessary.

She liked you, she wanted to hang out with you, you already had plans and so invited her tag along, she went .... and now your scheming to make a fucking mountain out of it, trying to insert all kinds of meanings to something so simple.

Are you young? Have you never interacted with other people before?



You are trying to make mean more than it is, like there are hidden meanings to it all .... when she was just trying to hang out with you, but, you had plans, so she had no choice except to go along.

didn't she come distance to see you? didn't you say she lives in another state? so, why would you make plans with others if you knew she was coming to see you?

You try to sound innocent, like you've been victimized .. but, between the lines, it's easy to see that you had a part in setting this up. Probably to try and manipulate it as much as you can, so that you can play victim.

I don't see where she has done anything wrong here. I don't understand why can't just let it be an outing of a bunch of people, having a good time. why does it have to have hidden agendas in your mind?

click to expand

I appreciate your wisdom, but no! Not a spring chicken. Granted I haven't seen a many moons as you, I'm old enough.

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Puguglies
Pisces here, who met a cancer lady online and we clicked right away. Talked for 2 months and she visited me in a different state. Met my family in my home..for my bday.

Fast forward a week and I find out she's actually dating other people. I called her out on it and her response was I never made it official, so she's in the right. I tell her okay, take me out of contention and she says, she wanted it to be me and her...

I kinda figured bringing her to my home and meeting my family was sending the right message.

I cut all contact as she claimed I put spyware on her phone....which is crazy. Is this cancer playing games?

Here's the thing, you only talked to this woman for 2 months. That's not enough time to create permanency in the human brain when it comes to another person. In order for the mind to really get accustomed to another individual it takes about 3 months. You simply moved too fast. I'm sure there are reasons, but coming to a different state to meet you on your birthday in front of your family? That's three serious scenarios that occurred all at once. It was probably too much for her to handle in the end (regardless of whoever's idea it was). That was mistake #1.

Mistake #2 is getting upset when you found out she is dating other people. Of course she's dating other people. You've been talking online for 2 months. If you had been dating in that time, you'd have a better argument. There's no reason to expect her to not be talking to other guys because honestly there's no reason for YOU not to be talking to other girls. You're talking to a girl long distance online, what did you expect?

I will say that she wasn't completely honest with you though. The confusion didn't exist because you "never made it official". That's a cop out response on her part. What she meant to say was, "We didn't get to the point of having the exclusivity conversation." Simply put, you blind sided her and now she's putting the blame on you. This situation fell apart because you jumped the gun, not because you didn't have the exclusivity talk. You moved too fast and she's too nice to be blunt. Guess what would have happened if you asked her to be exclusive after only seeing her for the first time? She would have said, "Hey it's too soon, let's get to know each other better first."

Is it cool that she lied to you about other guys? No, but no one who is smart is ever going to throw another person in your face either. In reality her dates are none of your business the same way your dates are none of hers. You two aren't in a relationship.

So what if she's dating other guys? Are you so concerned about them that you feel belittled? If you were truly self confident you'd understand that those guys couldn't hold a match to you. For all you know she was meeting some of them for the first time as well. Maybe those other dates were terrible. Maybe she felt the strongest connection with you and went on those other dates to be sure. Maybe her showing up to meet your family on your birthday was a sign she was truly interested in you.

I can't speak to the spyware issue. That does sound crazy.

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Thanks! This makes sense

Posted by Areyoumytwinflame

Posted by Gob_Shite
You bloody Americans and your anally-retentive labels...

Posted by Puguglies
I kinda figured bringing her to my home and meeting my family was sending the right message.

If that's not enough to indicate his intentions then nothing is. Also, what prevented her from asking for clarification? Wasn't this supposed to be a two-way relationship or what? Just because he never explicitly put a label on the relationship doesn't make what transpired his fault.

No wonder Hollywood films often insult the intelligence of the viewer - too many of you have become so reliant on having things spelt out for you.

@Puguglies, she's an immature/unevolved hoe and you dodged a bullet.

I totally fucking agree. If it's an American thing I'm embarrassed for us.

"You didn't tell me we were exclusive"= you didn't tell me I should respect you.

Gtfo of my life

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Which was my thinking. I could have said, if you're coming then figure it out on your own..with the added cost. Which is why I offered to stay at my home.

After finding out one stuff, it turns out she is basically looking to start a new life away from past. Hence the coming to a different state.

Posted by SomeSortOfMermaid

Posted by Gob_Shite
You bloody Americans and your anally-retentive labels...

Posted by Puguglies
I kinda figured bringing her to my home and meeting my family was sending the right message.

If that's not enough to indicate his intentions then nothing is. Also, what prevented her from asking for clarification? Wasn't this supposed to be a two-way relationship or what? Just because he never explicitly put a label on the relationship doesn't make what transpired his fault.

I do agree with this.

However, I've also come to realise that these days it's unfortunately naive to assume that the other party is going to be exclusive until specifically stated so.

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I would agree if he was actually talking to her about the relationship. As it turns out, he wasn't ... he was just assuming she knew his mind.

So, then I definitely disagree and it is his fault, since he is the one wanting clarification.

Also, as it turns out ..... he knew she was coming to visit him, he then turned around and made plans with someone else. So, that means he was manipulating her and the situation.

So, his coming here and acting like a victim because she didn't act according to his planned expectations screams asshole.

Posted by Puguglies

She visited me from a different state on my bday. Which I already had plans for with my family.

The above is a clear indication that you didn't even respect her enough to make plans for her visit.

Coming from out of town is a big deal for a person, and you couldn't even bother to make arrangements for the two of you to have time along together ..... you basically blew her off by making plans with other people KNOWING she was making that trip to see you, and then threw her a bone by telling her she could come if she wanted.



You're not fooling me with your innocent act. You manipulated this whole thing.

A decent guy who cared about her and has respect for her would have made arrangements to share his time with her exclusively.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by Puguglies

She visited me from a different state on my bday. Which I already had plans for with my family.

The above is a clear indication that you didn't even respect her enough to make plans for her visit.

Coming from out of town is a big deal for a person, and you couldn't even bother to make arrangements for the two of you to have time along together ..... you basically blew her off by making plans with other people KNOWING she was making that trip to see you, and then threw her a bone by telling her she could come if she wanted.



You're not fooling me with your innocent act. You manipulated this whole thing.

A decent guy who cared about her and has respect for her would have made arrangements to share his time with her exclusively.

click to expand

I don't want to say you're weirding me out...but you are. She came for my bday weekend. How do you know we didn't go sightseeing or we weren't intimate? Is that detail required? Would I be the victim then? Your reaction tells me you share the same traits as her...

Whoa i actually agree with p angel.. At least for a little bit... Also you didnt mention long distance even more reason to STILL play the field!! Wth.. I date several ppl and then narrow it down!! Otherwise its a waste of fucking time. You live in two different states!! How would you know if shes dating others?! Long distance is hard enough but youve only just begun this thing. Stop being butthurt man up and talk about it like grown ups if you still like her.

Just curious, what was disrespectful?