Trying Again - Now What? (Page 2)

Posted by tiki33
Emo fix your damn issues FIRST before attempting to love someone. How on earth can he love you when you struggle with loving yourself.

You cannot love someone you're addicted to, that's obsession and infatuation which has nothing to do with love.

Snooping is bad behavior no matter how you twist it. You cannot love and trust someone when you're seeking to understand him through snooping, that behavior points to you being controlling and feeling out of control and your unwillingness to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

No man least not an emotionally healthy man wants to be straddled down with a woman with self esteem issues which is why none of your relationships are working. You are work! Too much work! Men don't get into relationships to do more work.

You will NOT get more from him. He will not include a woman with your issues in his life and you will not feel any kind of emotion from him because an insecure woman cannot handle her own emotions so how can you be trusted with his emotions.

You won't get any of it because you have failed to rectify some pivotal issues in your own life FIRST.

He cannot love a woman whose struggling. How can he trust a woman who is insecure and has low self esteem/love addiction issues. He cannot and that is what you are failing to see and understand, until you fix you he won't be able to trust you with his heart.

I understand what you are writing. However, I do love myself. I won't go into all the ways I am awesome at risk of sounding arrogant, but I am confident in what I have to offer a man. Getting a man is not difficult. It's getting the man I want.

Ironically, insecure men are endearing to me. At least it shows they care. I do love myself. I think part of the problem is that I am attracted to geniuses, and then I get insecure trying to figure out how I can measure up. I tend to put men I like on a pedastool and am really good at inflating their egos.

Only by having these types of experiences can I fix my own issues. In past relationships men have been able to recognize my inner beauty and stick by me during the dark times. I am a cancer. My emotions run deep and I want to feel connected.

He definitely wants a mentally strong woman, and I have not been that. But, if he was willing to believe in me and make me feel secure, I know I could be. It sucks that I have to pretend like ever

everything is awesome all the time. I wish I could just keep it real. I guess I need to find someone who is more in tune with their emotions.

I don't know why people keep rushing things to the point there has to be an end game to everything. I'd understand if this lack of certainty went on for years but just a couple months? Those should be AWESOME months, getting to know someone, enjoying them etc. If things click..YAY..if not, why is that so bad? It's like people's presence in our life only has value if it goes all the way as we'd have hoped..if not we consider it as time wasted. Enjoying someone in whatever capacity..time wasted. It's really sad.

It's like walking down a road and at some point someone joins you and you have great laughs, maybe a picnic, enjoying the scenery. But then immediately you feel a fork appearing in that road and you picking one road and the other person the other road. You keep this fork in your mind and you no longer care about the experience, it even started raining and what's the point to all this experience if they are to drift away from you?

Where's the rush? Why not just flow with this guy and see where it goes? You seem to be having a good time when with him..when not with him you should also have a good time living your life. Let the chips fall where they may..in due time.

Posted by EmoGrrl
I do love myself.

Posted by EmoGrrl
make me feel secure

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...

I'm just standing here waiting for shell's patience to finally run out 😆 (if it hasn't already)

Any moment now..

Posted by Damnata
I don't know why people keep rushing things to the point there has to be an end game to everything. I'd understand if this lack of certainty went on for years but just a couple months? Those should be AWESOME months, getting to know someone, enjoying them etc. If things click..YAY..if not, why is that so bad? It's like people's presence in our life only has value if it goes all the way as we'd have hoped..if not we consider it as time wasted. Enjoying someone in whatever capacity..time wasted. It's really sad.

It's like walking down a road and at some point someone joins you and you have great laughs, maybe a picnic, enjoying the scenery. But then immediately you feel a fork appearing in that road and you picking one road and the other person the other road. You keep this fork in your mind and you no longer care about the experience, it even started raining and what's the point to all this experience if they are to drift away from you?

Where's the rush? Why not just flow with this guy and see where it goes? You seem to be having a good time when with him..when not with him you should also have a good time living your life. Let the chips fall where they may..in due time.

I love this post. Very poetic, except, haven't you have ever wanted more from a man than he is giving you? It's especially frustrating in this case because I was getting more from him in the first month and less now in the second, and it is the fault of my behavior.

This is the time for me to detach, take a step back, and focus on some projects. I am wondering if I should keep dating again too. Inspiration and motivation can be difficult when I am feeling heartbroken.

I want him in my life, and I am not ready to move on from him completely yet. I feel like I need to give it one more month of flow to show him I can be awesome and not freak out. And no more snooping!
(This does not mean I will not be wondering what he is up to though😛).

How does a woman turn casual into serious? I feel like if I let him be casual for too long, he will want to stay that way. But I don't think leaving him is the answer either.

My point was about her being unsatisfied and moving along shellshocker. I dont actually think this dude is presenting any problems.

As damnata said... It is supposed to be fun at this stage. Not looking at his phone to verify his answers to her questuons
questions.

If it isnt fun at 2 months....I dunno...sounds grim to me.

I cant even explain how useless it is to be bothered in this thread though. I was trying to be nice and cconstructive and it was still taken improperly all around.

This shit about "not freaking out" and having scared him away is pure ridiculous by the way.

Sure I wanted more at times. It's ingrained to have expectancies and they're a bitch to handle. I realized at some point that I was only acting out fantazies out of my head..in which they were expected to behave a certain way. And then I realized..in that case..the man didn't matter. I mean I was so committed to the scenario..any man could have been in his place..just filling in a role and that's unfair to him and the connection we had. The dynamic is formed by 2 people not whatever projections we throw on it.

I've always had a propensity to day dream my life away but in the end I get nothing out of that. Now I just enjoy people's presence in my life, whatever they want to share with me. I might get some awesome insight out of it. There's usually a longing for more when you get along with someone so well but things sometimes fall apart because we can't control the outcome when there are 2 people involved. I just accept it with the minimum amont of bickering and focus on the nice memories we shared.

I don't think anyone turns casual into serious..it either happens along the way or not. Things evolve naturally.

Posted by deezie
This shit about "not freaking out" and having scared him away is pure ridiculous by the way.

Why is that ridiculous? Why take such a self righteous stance? I do appreciate your words and feedback. As long as you all keep investing energy into this thread, so will I.

Posted by deezie
If it isnt fun at 2 months....I dunno...sounds grim to me.

I mean, if there's so much freaking out now..what will happen when they're together and have to handle a real crisis?

Status will never fix insecurity.

I just wish I could express myself to him, and talk to him about it. Bring to his attention that at one point he told me I was welcome in his life and he wanted to share with me, yet he keeps going out and doing all these fun things without me that I would love to be part of. I am not allowed to tell him this because it is considered needy and clingy, and that sucks.

Posted by Damnata

Posted by deezie
If it isnt fun at 2 months....I dunno...sounds grim to me.

I mean, if there's so much freaking out now..what will happen when they're together and have to handle a real crisis?

Status will never fix insecurity.

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If we were actually together and he was including me in his life I would feel a lot better. If things could go back to the way they were before I freaked out on him I would feel a lot better.

You have time machine?

Posted by EmoGrrl
I just wish I could express myself to him, and talk to him about it. Bring to his attention that at one point he told me I was welcome in his life and he wanted to share with me, yet he keeps going out and doing all these fun things without me that I would love to be part of. I am not allowed to tell him this because it is considered needy and clingy, and that sucks.

Well you are welcome in his life..where do you get you're not? He's known these people for more than 2 months, they probably have activities they share together. Why not allow this man to enjoy himself with them and create different type of activities for you both?

Basically this man is living his life while including you in it..you're not brushed to the side..yet you don't want to allow him to live it if he has fun things he'd rather do with his friends. This isn't a prison and you're not his warden.

Ha, I wish!

Posted by deezie
You have time machine?

oh deezie, why art thou so evil?

I remember living with one of my exes...I was so excited whenever he'd go out and meet with his friends, or go on a business trip. Yaaaay, moar time for me to roam around the house by myself.

Posted by Damnata

Posted by EmoGrrl
I just wish I could express myself to him, and talk to him about it. Bring to his attention that at one point he told me I was welcome in his life and he wanted to share with me, yet he keeps going out and doing all these fun things without me that I would love to be part of. I am not allowed to tell him this because it is considered needy and clingy, and that sucks.

Well you are welcome in his life..where do you get you're not? He's known these people for more than 2 months, they probably have activities they share together. Why not allow this man to enjoy himself with them and create different type of activities for you both?

Basically this man is living his life while including you in it..you're not brushed to the side..yet you don't want to allow him to live it if he has fun things he'd rather do with his friends. This isn't a prison and you're not his warden.

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I just mean that he hasn't invited me to go out and do anything with him in awhile. At first he seemed eager to go out with me, include me in the things he does and introduce me to his friends. After an incident some weeks ago where I freaked out on him it's felt like he's shut me out. As a result I've gotten clingy and insecure (includes the snooping). I should be doing the opposite.

Posted by Damnata
I remember living with one of my exes...I was so excited whenever he'd go out and meet with his friends, or go on a business trip. Yaaaay, moar time for me to roam around the house by myself.

It's different when you're living with the guy! 🙂

You can invite him you know.

Open heart, good positive energy.

I'm sure you can think of some activity you'd both like.

Forget about the freaking out if it doesn't define you. Lead by being enthusiastic about things and reconnect once more. If someone freaks out but realizes it and then adjusts their behavior and turns to the bright side of things..people will respond to that energy and bypass the freak out. If the freakout is ingrained, you need to work on that. People really like genuinity and will ride the happy train with you if you decide to steer it that way.

I'm starting to sound like a hippie in this topic, my inner Virgo isn't pleased. Time for me to go to bed.

haha, Damny I had to walk away... my eye was beginning to twitch. Much better now, see how easy that is!

High, high expectations of all consuming in a very short amount of time. Maybe the guy backed off when you went emo and has become more observant with you one on one... before/if branching out into coupledom. Who knows, no point worry about it with regret. It happened, so what now?

You are filled with self doubt and insecurity. You can't loose something that never gets off the ground so stop wishing for more and enjoy the ride. Real relationship don't move on invisible timelines of productivity that only head in one direction.

best of luck to you

LOL!

Damnata I know you were talking to shell about patience but I just have say my patience has completely ran out.

IMHO he's treating Emo the exact way she deserves to be treated. Why give you more when he can get so much more out of you just by giving you less. You'll never get more because you're so available and ready to accept his crumbs.

Yes, tiki your advice is ALWAYS to leave the man because he's giving crumbs and lying. IYHO... most women are love addicts and most men are narcissists. You said the same things to me and seem to have a preference for labelling water signs.

I find this amusing considering you're an Aquarius. I was married to one of those once...

Posted by shellshocker
haha, Damny I had to walk away... my eye was beginning to twitch. Much better now, see how easy that is!

High, high expectations of all consuming in a very short amount of time. Maybe the guy backed off when you went emo and has become more observant with you one on one... before/if branching out into coupledom. Who knows, no point worry about it with regret. It happened, so what now?

You are filled with self doubt and insecurity. You can't loose something that never gets off the ground so stop wishing for more and enjoy the ride. Real relationship don't move on invisible timelines of productivity that only head in one direction.

best of luck to you

AMEN to you and Tiki you took the words right out of my mouth. But by now some part of me just thinks she's doing it for attention. I think all of our patience's have run thin with trying to help a woman who's acting all emo and childish and won't do anything to help herself because her boyfriend has things to do. Needless to say, let child touch the fire she'll get the hint and realizes it burns,

@187 I agree with you..

To clarify, I don't believe he's doing anything wrong, he doesn't owe her anything.

It's not that he's giving her less, it's that she's ACCEPTING less and silently begging inside for more.

Projecting her deep need for a life partner onto someone who has established that it's just bootycall sex.

Wanting things to take a turn back to where it was before she displayed her discomfort with being in an intimate relationship that requires her to be vulnerable, couldn't handle it then and now she's begging for it to go back to the space where she was freaked out and uncomfortable.

To clarify a bit more, he's not the issue nor is he the problem, she is, she's coming into this with all these issues on a personal level, projecting those issues onto him and into her relationship and expecting him to miraculously fix her feelings, he's not responsible for her or her feelings and he won't give her more to fix her insecure feelings, it's not his responsibility to coddle a grown woman.

Posted by tiki33
@187 I agree with you..

To clarify, I don't believe he's doing anything wrong, he doesn't owe her anything.

It's not that he's giving her less, it's that she's ACCEPTING less and silently begging inside for more.

Projecting her deep need for a life partner onto someone who has established that it's just bootycall sex.

Wanting things to take a turn back to where it was before she displayed her discomfort with being in an intimate relationship that requires her to be vulnerable, couldn't handle it then and now she's begging for it to go back to the space where she was freaked out and uncomfortable.

To clarify a bit more, he's not the issue nor is he the problem, she is, she's coming into this with all these issues on a personal level, projecting those issues onto him and into her relationship and expecting him to miraculously fix her feelings, he's not responsible for her or her feelings and he won't give her more to fix her insecure feelings, it's not his responsibility to coddle a grown woman.

Being emo has no benefits. It's nothing more than wanting people throw a pity for you when they don't deserve it. Maybe she should stop being so damn emo because it tends to throw more excuses to their problems rather than actually get them to wrap it up.

Posted by tiki33
Cancer females (a lot of them) are pain freaks...They love getting into impossible situations and then whine and moan about it for weeks, months, sometimes years....

I don't usually give advice to Cancer females because they are hard headed, don't listen, desperate for love and affection and tend to cling onto the wrong man.

Find your dignity, don't put up with half ass lying men or you'll never get the life partner you deeply desire.

That seems to be a shadow side to some Cancers... whether it's Sun or Moon.

Obviously, they aren't all like that-- we have some stellar ones, here-- but the one that ARE like that?

It's like they were born with violin in hand, and relish narrating their own persecution-- le Woe is Me.

Posted by shellshocker
She has been dating the guy for 2months

She has no idea who he's texting and meeting because she snooped... she didn't ASK him but he's a liar. No mention that she's invading privacy.

And you guys are talking about life partners? Do you really decide on a "life partner" after 2 months of dating? Usually, the advice is to date around and don't put your all into one person so early in the dating game.

It seems there are different rules for water signs *eye roll*

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Idk for sure, but it seems like a safe bet to say that this one is out for a life partner. :/

And what's the saying... Don't date someone you wouldn't consider marrying... or something like that.

js

Posted by EmoGrrl

Posted by SpinCycle
It is a man's job to come hunting for what they want...be that exceptional person he wants to hunt, court, catch and be proud of.

Part of it is that I'm in my 30's and I don't feel like I have time to waste. I want to find a life partner. I'm worried I will invest time into him only to find out he doesn't want a relationship, but at the same time I'm not allowed to ask him if he wants a relationship after only 2 months. Not sure how to deal with that!

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Using your age as a reason to rush to find your "life partner" is one sure way to end up with the wrong person. As well, how would be life partner material simply because he says yes to a relationship after two months?

You seem to be overly concerned with what he wants, what he's doing when you could be enjoying yourself, living your life and making it more fulfilling while getting to know him outside of his bed. Use this time to see if he is even someone you want as a boyfriend instead of fantasizing about him being a life partner.

As for the message you read, you honesty have no idea what the text means other than what it said. They planned to meet/met. Meeting someone does not mean they are dating. Given you are not in a relationship with him, it wouldn't really matter if it did. Point here, you had no reason (other than your insecurity) to go through his phone. Not starting off on the right foot.

*he