Anyone attract to emotionally unavaliable men? WOMEN PLEASE

I've been doing some real soul searching, I've been really keeping positive and really learning to love myself more and better myself. But I have also notice that my whole life I have been attracting men who are not emotionally available. Like for instance; I waited a year and a half with no sex, but I ended up making a mistake of sleeping with a guy who later confessed that he was married. I have dated my ex for a year, seen him everyday, spent the night but guess what he was married too. My ex was abusive when I was younger and I have notice that I have been dating guys that are emotional abusive as well. I get rid of them real quickly now, not going down that lane again. It just seems like the more I am loving myself the easier it is to get rid of this guys that are just not right for me. I have been reading this book and it talks about how when you start getting rid of the guy who are not emotionally available, is a step closer for you to come across the right man. My questions are there any ladies that are also attracting or was attracted to men who are not emotionally available? If your where attracted to guys for where unavailable emotionally in the past and things changed for you, what have you done differently? Also how long did it take to start attracting men who where truly emotionally available?

@stopbeingdelusional I know for a fact that there are some emotionally available guys, great guys. I usually don't ask guys out, they ask me out, and it always seem like they are emotionally unavailable. I don't ask men out because my family told me that if a man approaches you, at least you know that he is interested. If you go after a man, you never really know where you stand, well til later. I was told let the man find you.

If you've been hurt, this can be a protection mechanism. Being attracted to emotionally unavailable men protects your ego when the relationship falls apart. I've loved married men a couple of times when I was really young but got over it fast because they're never there for you. They never can be.

Posted by Foreverloveme
Have you fully healed from your past?

This is important.

@stopbeingdelusional I am very shy person, I really do want someone that is emotional available, I mean how can I make them sense that I won't reject them? And I need to really figure out what I am doing to giving them the green light and cut that out!

I have healed from my past, I have forgiving them, and I have forgiving myself mostly. I don't feel like I use to that all men are no good, but that is not true, I know that for a fact.

@Season Yes I have been hurt, but to be honest I have moved on. I really believe that everything happens for a reason tho. The two married men I was talking about didn't tell me they where married until after the fact. But thank God they told, so I could move on. But I have been attracted to these kinds of guys since I was in high school, so I don't know if it is protection mechanism. I believe no matter what you do if a relationship falls apart egos are going to be crushed.

@Foreverloveme Thank you, yes I need to definitely meet more people and yes have no expectations but standards. Very good advice! Yes I do believe I will meet the person who was meant for me, just gonna take some time. I need to work on my patience! Thanks :-)

Did any of those guys actually get divorced or still married? And had side chicks. It's very common right now.

Haha trust me those questions above is something I asked alot and still get no but really are after time spent of course.

All men are emotionally available, they just pick and choose who they open up to. Don't believe the hype.

Posted by notsosure

Posted by honeyK
All men are emotionally available, they just pick and choose who they open up to. Don't believe the hype.

Interesting way to look at it. But you can also turn it around this way: probably there are guys out there who wants to get with the topic creator in a serious way, but she choses not to date them and go for the others guys instead. So for some guys the topic creator will be an emotionally unavailable woman... 😄 I love life!

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That too. Sometimes some girls like guys who don't like them back. Once I see a guy doesn't like me back I become unattainable.

Posted by arose32

Posted by Foreverloveme
Have you fully healed from your past?

This is important.

click to expand

It is important indeed. Healing I think depends on

how long and how intense those feelings were.

I can't heal nor I want to. Knowing it's not going anywhere we both just waiting for some miracle.

Posted by honeyK
All men are emotionally available, they just pick and choose who they open up to. Don't believe the hype.

Not all men are emotionally available.

Mine isn't so I am.

However we are dealing with it. It's hard.

But I wouldn't change it. And no I am not

calling. I gave it all up to him. And there

aren't any meetings. It's in past and we both

know how it hurts. But we just can't stop

at least talking to know we are still there for

each other.

So there is no emotional availability.

@stopbeingdelusional Oh trust me I asked them if they was married/in a relationship/ not over an ex, I asked both of them and they lied to me! I ask all of those questions and they lied! Like I said I was with that one guy for a whole year, at his house, spending the night, almost every day. I had no red flags until it was the very end of our relationship. I hung around his friends and not one of them said anything. Heck I was invited to a work event and I wasn't told anything! Where I am from it is a military town, so alot of guys don't have family, long term friends around. He wasn't even gonna tell me, I found out on Facebook! The other guy I asked all of those questions, but like I said he lied. I was at his house too, around his friend, nothing gave me a red flags. I did rush with him and I agree I should have took my time with him. The only reason why I found out from him, is because he told me he couldn't commit to me, I asked why and he finally told me he was married. As soon as I found out about either one of them being married, I dropped them real quick. Trust me I am the nosiest person, I look through stuff, ask questions and everything. But they lied to me.

Posted by stopbeingdelusional
I am sure emotionally available guys are Everywhere--If you don't spot them, most likely it's because *YOU* don't find them attractive :p

Bam...and there it is. OP, nine times outta ten if you look back there have been a ton of emotionally available guys in your life.

@Impulsv My dad and me we have had closure when I was 18. We both love each other and I forgive him. We both talked about the situation, he apologized for everything and I told him I forgave him. I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't met for him to be in my life at that time in my life and it is fine because everything happens for a reason. I have a step dad, that is great and he shows me the unconditional love that I need. I love him very much and he is a God sent.

@beautifulsoul74 I have been around so great emotionally available guys but they are taken!!!! I have dated a couple of guys that where but they was moving, so I didn't even try. I live in a military town, so people are always here than gone.

It seems like everyone is focusing on the married men, what about the guys that are trying to emotional put me down? I don't know, I guess I am going to have to just do some more soul searching and really examine each of my past relationships.

Posted by Mic2016
@beautifulsoul74 I have been around so great emotionally available guys but they are taken!!!! I have dated a couple of guys that where but they was moving, so I didn't even try. I live in a military town, so people are always here than gone.

I apologize but...lol I didn't read the part of the headliner about women only. I'm a male. But I will say quickly that it's meant to be that way because changing your inner self is difficult. The thing is, is getting to the point to where you're emotionally secure within yourself. We(men and women) often look for emotional input from others to validate our being with someone...in other words reassurance. This isn't a flaw and is more like a blind spot that we"re unaware of. Once you get to the point to where you're truly happy with or without someone in your life, that person will come. As someone mentioned earlier, guys sense when you're not attracted to them. That is true. While we may want to pursue, we won't out of respect for your feelings. When everything has come to a completion within yourself, the right guy will come along and you'll send him that vibe that you're available.

Posted by beautifulsoul74

Posted by Mic2016
@beautifulsoul74 I have been around so great emotionally available guys but they are taken!!!! I have dated a couple of guys that where but they was moving, so I didn't even try. I live in a military town, so people are always here than gone.

I apologize but...lol I didn't read the part of the headliner about women only. I'm a male. But I will say quickly that it's meant to be that way because changing your inner self is difficult. The thing is, is getting to the point to where you're emotionally secure within yourself. We(men and women) often look for emotional input from others to validate our being with someone...in other words reassurance. This isn't a flaw and is more like a blind spot that we"re unaware of. Once you get to the point to where you're truly happy with or without someone in your life, that person will come. As someone mentioned earlier, guys sense when you're not attracted to them. That is true. While we may want to pursue, we won't out of respect for your feelings. When everything has come to a completion within yourself, the right guy will come along and you'll send him that vibe that you're available.

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I am happy with being with myself, I have been by myself for almost two years now. I guess I am afraid that I might get to content and use to being alone and I don't want that. But you are right I just need to continue to be happy by myself and just say whatever happens, happens. Thinking about it, I was told that I have that stance of being distance but she told me that once people get to know me they love me. I guess I have to also work on my body language of being more open. Thank for your insight? :-)

@stopbeingdelusional Yes I plan on moving in the next year, hopefully sooner. I agree I just have to be patient. Thanks :-)

I went through a very tragic experience and after that was drawn to emotionally unavailable men for a long time. this analogy helped me to understand why...

Have you ever been with someone or, to be more precise, tried to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable? You want this person so much, the chemistry between you two may be amazing, you may have deep intimate conversations with each other and even go out on dates a few times and yet, something is definitely missing and you feel unsatisfied. This person just would not commit to a full blown relationship with you

Why are you so attracted to this person if you know the two of you can't be together? If you really believe that you want to be in a loving committed relationship with someone wholeheartedly, why is it that you still chose to stay in a situation that, you know deep inside, will get you nowhere? Do you really believe that you can change this person's mind about being with you or do you just make yourself believe it because you feel like you have no other choice?

Let's look at this simple analogy that may open your eyes a bit, scuba diving. Have you ever done scuba diving? One of the rules of this sport is that you have to have someone to dive in with you. You need at least one partner who will watch your back just in case if something happens to you or your equipment. Every person who makes a choice to dive into the water takes a full responsibility for his or her life. People who are not ready for this or people who have fear of being underwater, feel claustrophobic inside a scuba suit, or fear of any water creature that might attack them, do not go underwater. They choose to stay in the boat. If you take the concept of water as being in a relationship and anything above water, i.e. boat or shore as single scene, then a typical emotionally unavailable man or a woman is someone who prefers to stay in the boat. They may be extremely fascinated with water creatures, they love dolphins and they love to swim as long as their head is above the water level, but they just don't want to dive in with you

Now, to see a bigger picture, imagine yourself, the one who really wants to be in a relationship, jumping into the water, looking up at the guy in the boat wondering why he won't jump in with you. From your point of view, all you can see is this poor person in the boat who misses out on all the fun and the experience of watching the wonders of the sea. You try to convince him or her, explain it to them what they're missing, tell them it's not as bad at they think, sometimes even try a few tricks to get this person to jump in and yet, nothing you can do gets them to fully dive into the water with you. They give you ten thousand reasons and excuses, the water is too cold, their suit doesn't fit them, they watched the movie Jaws the night before

You get hurt, frustrated, disappointed, wonder what you did wrong or what is wrong with you and yet, there is one important thing you refuse to acknowledge. The fact that you're the one who isn't experiencing all the wonders of the sea and that it is your fault that you don't. You keep hanging around the surface of the water in your scuba gear, refusing to go under and experience it all the fun yourself. Sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? And yet, if you waste your time trying to get an emotionally unavailable man to commit, that's exactly what you're doing. Why is this so appealing to you? Why does the person in the boat seem a lot more attractive to you than someone under the water?

The truth is, whether you see it or not, you are not entirely ready to go underwater. You feel like you want to be there all the way but something holds you back. And you want this person to jump after you from the boat because you want to avoid your fear of facing the deep waters alone. And it's not only the fear of water (intimacy) you're experiencing, it is also the fear of rejection. The person in the boat can't really reject you as a partner because they don't want to be anybody's partner - they don't want to dive. While someone underwater can refuse to be your partner for a number of reasons, some of which you may not want to know. As much as you try to avoid getting hurt, the person in the boat will hurt you far more than someone underwater who could say "no" to you as a partner, because the guy in the boat will string you along and keep you lingering at the surface, preventing you from fully experiencing the wonder of being in a relationship

Perhaps from that you can see that you are maybe avoiding a relationship by choosing people who are not able to give you one.

A really good way to move OUT of this pattern is to make a really clear list of boundaries. no matter how obvious those boundaries may be, stick to them 100% .

Like a list...

1. I will not date anyone who does not communicate with me daily

2. I will not date anyone who lives long distance

3. I will not date anyone who is not over an ex

4. I will not date anyone who sends mixed messages

Basically WRITE IT OUT and logically use it as a check list...you will stop doing it

@AlaniaB I loved how you broke it down :-) That is a great idea to write a list, I am a visual person and make a list person anyways, so that makes sense to list what I will not accept. Thanks for the advice. :-)